I am curious - these are some of the details I would love to have written answers to - can anyone chip in with questions they want to know?

When did they first meet?
Where did they first meet?
Where and when did they meet a second time?
When did they first go out as a couple?
Where did they go?
What did they eat or drink?
What did they talk about?
What kind of underwear did she wear?
Who bought the condoms?
What happened to the rest of the condoms they didn’t use?
How many times did they have sex?
What positions?
When did they have sex?
Where did they first make out? Where did he touch her?
Did she give him a BJ in the car?
What did she say about me?
You went to her house for movies; what did you watch and did you kiss her goodnight? Was there anyone else there but the two of you? Did she fix you dinner? What was it?
Did she have any bad habits?
What was the cutest thing about her?
Did she do her nails? Were they long?
When did you first tell her you loved her?
What was her response?
When did she first tell you that she loved you?
What did you say about our child to her?
What did she say about children?
When did you first discuss long term plans or did you?
When did she start pressuring you to leave me for her?

I have many more, but am stopping here. Please add.

i would really like to know more about you and your story. forgive me, i'm a new user and are not that familiar with everything on this site.

Most of the above, plus....

When did the friendship turn into something else? Did you recognize this was happening?
Where did they first meet?
Where and when did you meet a second time?
Where else did you go as a couple?
Where did they go?
What did they eat or drink?
What did you talk about?
What kind of underwear did she wear?
How many times did you have sex?
What positions?
When did they have sex?
Where did you first make out? Where did you touch her?
Did she give you a BJ in the car?
What did she say about me?
What was the cutest thing about her?
Did she do her nails? Were they long?
When did you first tell her you loved her?
When did she first tell you that she loved you?
What did you say about our child to her?
Did she pressure you to leave me for her?

What road did you park on?
Was it planned or was it spur of the moment?
Did you have to put the backseat down?
Did you think about it when we drove in our van together?
I know you bought her things, what did you buy her?
How did you beg her?
What would you have done if anyone would have seen you shopping together?
Was it good? For her, too?
Why didn't you even try to make love to me for 2 months, out of loyalty to her? guilt? disgust? with me or you?
Did you talk about your wife?
Did you talk about her XH?
She called late and night, twice and you lied about it, didn't you?
Did you kiss her in our basement when she was delivering her daughter's frozen pies?
Why, oh, why, did you sign your email to her "XOXOXOX" after you told me you didn't love her and were just friends?
Did you want go shopping with me because it was fun with her and you thought it would be fun with me or were you trying to erase a bad memory and build a new, better one with me?

Did you hate me?
How did you feel about me during this?
Can you respect me for staying with you?
Do you wish I would have kicked you out?

This isn't doing me any good today.
DB

<small>[ December 12, 2002, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: dazedblonde ]</small>

I am sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories, I know for some people that thinking about the details triggers things - I am the kind of person that has to know 100% so can process it and move on. Even my counselor doesn't agree with needing to know details, but then why do I feel such an absolute drive to find out?
Also, if you click on one's name, you can go to all of the posts. I am not a big believer in signatures, they post every time you do if you forget to uncheck the box.

<small>[ December 06, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: KS ]</small>

I am struggling with the "know or not to know issue." When I first came here a mere 3 weeks ago I was gung ho about knowing. Now, things are going pretty well and I don't know if I want to know or not. Then I saw that post and WoW! It was like you were asking every single question that I had. Your initials are similar to OWs and I did a double take!

Christmas party is tonight. She might be there. Skirt I bought not as good as I thought. Getting anxious.

However, H just icq'd me a big kiss so am starting to feel a little better.

What are you going to do about the answers to your list?
DB

KS,

Why would you want to know those things? When my H had his first "real" A. I was kind of curious at the time, but its much too hurtful to know the details I'd rather not.

Just me

I know you started this thread as a list of questions you would want to know. Not everyone will ask them and not everyone will get answers, but it is worth getting out on paper.

Did you think of her when you were making love to me?
Do you miss her?
What romantic things have you told her that you haven't told me?
What turned you on about her?
Did you have phone sex with her?
What was the attraction?
Would you have married her if you didn't meet me?
Did you fight with her?
Was she cute, pretty or beautiful?
Can you forget about her?
What emotional need did she meet for you?

It would seem to be more productive to ask questions that help you to answer the big picture questions -- Like 'What was it you were missing from me that you found in her?" Besides, you may find that your H truly doesn't know the answers to the finer details. Many of the books and much of the research shows that wayward spouses have trouble with timelines and details because the deceitful nature of the relationship forces the affairees to erase the finer points. The less they have to remember about places and dates and times and stuff the better.

My $.02.

I think I want to know the answers to all these because I want NO empty spaces in my mind. Because I have an incredible imagination and you wouldn't believe some of the things I have imagined.

Okay, now some of these I had answered. One night about a month ago, after we had gotten back from one of his gigs, I sat him down in bed and said, I want to know every lurid detail about this weekend, it's important to me.

Well, I had envisioned some weekend filled passion with fun and games, and - well, basically the kind of weekend that we would have had during our really good times with no children - I mean, we had fun when we were dating, okay!? Seriously ecstatic fun! So I am projecting our VERY best time onto this weekend...

Anyway, he tells me that the minute they got to the hotel room, she immediately went after him sexually, which I am sure was a big turn on for him... she went for it,and he basically went for it and that was the first part of the sex part. No romance, no candles, just down and dirty sex. Great. Then they went out for a snack, and then I think came back and had more sex. Well, at this point, it was night time and she is obsessive compulsive, so she is washing her hands every ten minutes, and can't be in the daylight without major cover ups and glasses, and then she starts in on him right when he is trying to sleep. "I hope it was worth it to you - you've ruined my life, blah blah blah..." and he falls asleep - not wrapped up in her arms, but skittering around the room like a nervous spider, re-arranging her suitcase contents.

So the next morning he wakes up and she is perched on the other bed watching him. Of course they had sex again. Do I think he enjoyed it? Well, there is no such thing as bad sex according to most men. But at this point - I am thinking, that HE was thinking, oh wow, I have bitten off more than I want to chew. Did he have fun with her? Well, I am sure - as much fun as you can have with an obsessive compulsive psycho. It had to be exciting.

But fun? I don't think so - not in the long run. He bought the condoms, he left them in the room. Doesn't sound like he wanted me to find out about any of this. Sure doesn't sound like he was getting ready to leave me, like she said he said. Nope, he was living a fantasy and pretty well wrapped up in it.

She was very pretty. I give her that. But substance? Kindness? Intelligent? Not like me. I do know as much as he liked her body and her looks - he loves my mind a lot more. So, the details help me wrap up in my mind what happened in actuality versus what happened in MY fantasy world. I think I wrote awhile back that if it was as half as good as we imagined it to be, then they would have left us a long time ago.

Sometimes I think they get so caught up in it, that they do leave, because that's the proverbial end of the story, but most of the time, they come back. That's what I think, but it's just my opine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused35:
<strong>KS,

Why would you want to know those things? When my H had his first "real" A. I was kind of curious at the time, but its much too hurtful to know the details I'd rather not.

Just me</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">confused,

Many DO want to know a certain level of details because these are facts about THEIR lives. These are facts that have been wrongly withheld from the BS. Some don't. But the ACT of being WILLING to share these secrets with the BS is very very curative and goes a long way in showing the WS's committment to healing the marriage.

I alreday knew when it started & who the OW was. By the time D-day came around I knew what lead up to it and we were already working on things. So all I needed/wanted to know was:
Is it over?
Are you sure this is what you want?
Are you ready to totally recommit to the marriage?
Are you sorry?

I wanted to make her a non-entity. I wanted to move forward, not focus on that. Of course when I started being harassed by the OW that was difficult. It was the unwanted details she gave me that haunted me for the longest time and caused me tremendous pain. Which would make her very happy if she knew.

So Fairydust was not "healed" by the details. Meloday Lane was "healed". Anyone else healed or more hurt?

Doing some self help detective work.
DB

Last night H and I had a conversation about some of the details of his EA's as well as the physical contact he had with some of them prior to meeting me. It was interesting to hear his feelings about it and how there wasn't the emotional attachment that he has with me. It was purely a physical thing.

When we are communicating and he is sharing with me, I feel that I am healing. I would rather know the details, but only from a space that it is over for good.

Curiously, he started the conversation by asking me some details of relationships from my past.

Some things are better left to imagination I suppose. Some things I even dont want to know about, ever. And some things are vile, dirty and downright yucky that I dont want to go anywhere near them.

Because if I would, it would make me even more crazy. Think about it.