I was reading something that DR. Harley had said about how affairs should end. This is a direct quote:
"Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous."
I did not assume anything. I knew my H could now handle what I had done. He has never been abusive towards me but his violent anger/temper is incredibly scary and hurtful. He had me cornered in the bathroom in the dark, crying and huddled up screaming at me and rasing his arms. Every time I would flinch he would yell, "I'M NOT GOING TO f***ING HIT YOU!!"

A good friend of mine gave me advice that I should have listened to. "Do not tell him by yourself. You need at least one other person there to make sure he doesn't kill you." Even my friend was afraid of how he would react. Now tell me was I being disrepectful, manipulative and dangerous assuming my H could't handle the truth/what I had done.

This is how the story ends. He still has never physically abused me. We are still together because he has denied that anyting happend. It's now a funny story he tells to family and friends about the made up story his crazy wife tells.

Am I wrong to not set him straight again?

Who did what to whom?

What IS the story?

I don't know your entire story, but I think if you are afraid to tell him by yourself, you should seek a marriage counselor to help you. Perhaps you can tell him there.

Abuse comes in many forms. He needn't lay a hand on for you to be abused. That you were cornered is not good. That you are scared by his "violent anger/temper" is not good. This is not your fault and is clearly not what Dr. Harley meant. Your husband has issues he must address, as well, befopre your marriage can ever begin to take the tiniest steps toward recovery. This doesn't give a free pass for the choices you've made (I assume from your words that you're the wayward spouse). But it does, to me, sound like you need to protect yourself and get away from your husband.

Wait a minute, whippit, let's not grant stewardess "victim" status so quickly. If she is, as both you and I suspect, the WS here, we're only hearing one side of the story, a side that we know usually distorts reality.

OK, stewardess, we'll grant you that physical violence is unacceptable in almost any circumstance, but emotional reactions, including ranting anger, should not be unexpected in the face of unfidelity from a betrayed spouse.

We will greet you and treat you with compassion here, after all, you are here, but don't expect sympathy if you're the recipient of the usual betrayed spouse reactions.

The absolute best thing you can do is direct your husband here. We'll treat him the same way - with compassion and respect as long as he presents a deserving personna - but he's not off scot-free, either.

We're a tough bunch - and equal opportunity critics.

WAT

<small>[ December 06, 2002, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

you know, WAT makes a good point. Three weeks after d-day I made a decision to do something my W thought was too agressive (no, I did not abuse her in any way). She told friends of her that I had always abused her psychologically and this was further proof. One friend even suggested she go to an abused woman's shelter. One of her friends who knew me well told her that she was not portraying the right UC and suggested that we talk and that if she was afraid of me she could act as a mediator. Our mutual friend hosted the talk and shortly thereafter my W said she was willing to work on the M. She stopped mentioning the psychological abuse accusation a few months later.

If you are talking about a habitual temper problem then I agree that it is abuse, but if you are speaking about his reaction after finding out about your A, then his reaction was pretty normal. Perhaps not right, but normal. See, us BS go through a range of emotions you could not even begin to think possible. It is the worst hurt in our life.

I still insist that you need to go see a MC and take your H with you.

thanks, uc, like you, I was "abusive", too. After that, I was trying to "ruin her financially." Let's not forget that I also "hid money" that could have otherwise been used for our son's medical treatment.

stewardess, we're not saying that you didn't feel threatened. In actuality, maybe you were. It's just that we're not easily duped.

WAT

Trust me, I'm not quickly labeling her a victim. She's not. None of us here are, really. She indicated a history of violent temper. I'm willing to extend the benefit of the doubt in such a case.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong>I'm willing to extend the benefit of the doubt in such a case.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...as I think we all should and I do.

stewardess, please understand that nobody is flaming you in any way. You came here for advice and you should be able to find it. I think the point WAT and I are trying to make is that we don't know enough of your story to give you advice. Let me remind you that we all hurt, in different levels, but hurt is hurt. Part of what helps us handle the pain is helping others, but to do that we have to have information to know how to help. Does this make sense?

WAT, did I put words in your mouth? I apologize if I did.

this is my story.

my H has always be paranoid that i would leave him for someone else. he was in a very serious relationship years before me and was hurt very badly by this woman. not only did she cheat numerous time but got pregnant. he has not talked to her in a long time but remains great friends with her parents.
almost every time i would go out with my friends, most are male he would ask me when i got home if i cheated. this went on for a year until i couldn't take it any longer.i couldn't shake the feeling that he was following me everywhere i went. that he was going through my mail and email. looking over my shoulder as i wrote email, listening to my phone calls. it was too much. i told him it was time to get over his jealousy and paranoia. i did not get upset when he would go out with his best friend's sister whom he had been in love with before he started dating me. he would tell me when we were just friends how much he loved her. it wasn't until i overheard a conversation he was having with her and then lied about it and started making more and more trips to the next town she lived in, when i thought he might be having an affair. i confronted him about it, asked him to define his idea of cheating and that we would go from there. he did not deny anything and still admitted that he loved her very much, not as a friend. i was upset but not enough to leave. for the next week we talked every day about it and what to do. we deceided we loved eachother enough to make it work.

everything comes with a price.

in a moment of dispair i did cheat. he became upset and like my other enty he denies anything every happened. i got on this sight to find out a better way to handle our relationship. what i need to do and what he needs to do. we filled out the questionaires and talked about them. we are taking the steps to a healthier marriage.

i want everyone to know in no way i am defending what i did or blaming my H for it. i take responsibility for my actions. i just wanted to get out there some things that have happend over the last year. if you have any more questions i will gladly answer them.

cheers.

Stewardess,

Your post is somewhat confusing to me so I am going to muse and muddle through it and hopefully offer my point of view.

In some ways you are lumping a lot of extremely important factors and warning signs present in your marriage that certainly impact on eachother while at the same time are seperate issues and severe problems...

The Dr.s article on disclosure and even the line you quote really is dealing with the WS (wandering spouse) perception/rationalization for reasons not to tell. And remember that the next line is.."How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth"

Obviously based on your post you two had major major warning flags in your relationship that must be dealt with as well as the affair...

If you have truly identified a pattern from your husband ..where his"anger/temper is incredibly scary and hurtful".. It is painfully clear that there is a huge problem with conflict resolution.

We are only victims once of a spouses emotional abuse/threats in which we are scared...and for any more that we let ourselves be exposed too...we become participants...I say this to lay NO blame at your feet...but to empower you to not be part of any cycle of such disrepect.

His reaction though does not change the facts of what you had done...

Also look at the communication styles of your marriage
Obviously neither of you have learned to listen to the other very well..or to really seem to care about what the other thinks/feels both of you are pretty much tuning one another out...while each cries foul over the same issue....

He would tell you how he did not like you going out with friends (mostly male) yet you continued to do so for a year before telling him to get over it...
And you would try to tell him how uncomfortable his friendship with a girl made you feel and he continues with her...

In your question about being wrong to set him straight again...the truth is although he denies it..he already "knows"...and based on his reaction I don't see much point...as the whole meaning of it being anything even close to being therapuetic at this time in your relationship would just be lost in a battle...of Yes I did have an affair...No you didn't yes i did, no you didnt' yes i did..na na naa naaa .see the pattern...??

If I were you I would look hard for a really really good therapist...I don't think you two can do this on your own..with such a history of disrepect from both of you....

He needs anger management and you both need to figure out how resolve conflicts...
You need to hear him about your male friends...and he needs to hear you about his...
AND both of you need to work on trust issues...

Lots of work...but the fact that you both want this to work is one of largest hurdles to overcome....
You two need to learn how to be a team....
peace to you and your home
ARK

Stewardess

Did you have an affair with another man?

Did you husband find out?

Or is he just thinking you did and reacting in a jealous manner?

Please be a bit more clear. Sorry

I want to help you but need to be clear before I say anything..
Thanks
Zoey