I havn't posted in a few days I have been busy with work and other things. Well 2 days ago I stopped by my WW work to get something to drink. When she saw me she came up to me and gave me a deep passionate kiss. She said she wanted o come home get counselind the whole nine yards. She stayed with me that night. I told her she must agree to no contact with OM. She sais ok and told him to get out. OM said he needed to find a place to stay and left with out taking his stuff. She didn't hear o see him until today. Yesterday I met her at work. I brought dinner and helped her out. She came home a slept in our bed. She said she was sorry for all the pain and heartache she had caused. She also said she felt bad for kicking OM out with no where to go. I tolf her he has places he can go. He has friends. This morning I kissed her goodbye and went to work. She called me later ad said she was going over to the other house to get her stuff. OM was there and the fog rolled right back in. I went by her work when I got off and talkd to her a minute. She said she wasn't sure if she was ready to come home after all. She was going to stay with her parents for a few days and think about things. I went home and waited. I then forgot I had to deposit my check and went to the bank. I decided to go visit her real quick after the bank because it was only a block away. OM was there and she was hugging up on him. I said what is going on here? She tells me that the past two nights she has felt nothing towards me and she was going to stay with OM a few day to think things over. I was so mad and hurt I almost couldn't stand it. I'm not sure if I can take this heartache she is causing me. I feel like giving up. She could not stay away from OM. He has her convinced he has no where to go and she feels sorry for him. I'm really not in a good mood and things just look as bad as ever. any thoughts???

Plan B.

I'm not sure I'm ready for plan B. I am going to go see her today tell her how it is. I can no longer take this from her. I can no longer stan the pain she is causing. I am going to tell her everything I have learned about affairs and everything I have learned to better myself. I am going to tell her either do what you said you were going to do the last couple of days or I am going to sheild myself from her. I guess I am doing a plan B after all. I can no longer take this rejection and pain. I feel so bad for my daughter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to tell her everything I have learned about affairs and everything I have learned to better myself. I am going to tell her either do what you said you were going to do the last couple of days or I am going to sheild myself from her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ultimatum? If you are willing accept the consequences, no matter the outcome, then by all means do it, but if you are not then I would humbly suggest that you avoid this tactic like the plague. Besides this will probably be viewed by her as you being 'controlling' and you'll just end up pushing her further back into OM's arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I am doing a plan B after all. I can no longer take this rejection and pain. I feel so bad for my daughter.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even if you end up doing a flawless plan A/plan B, your M could still end up being history because she MAY decide she just does not want to come back to you at all. This is part of life, and the sooner you accept this possibility and make peace with it, the better you'll be in control of your own actions and not let your emotions sabotage your best course of action.

The plan B letter is essentially a love letter that explains the incredible pain you are experiencing because of her A with OM and why (because of it) in order to protect the love you have for her, need to have no more contact with her until she ends it completely (with no more contact) and is willing to committ herself in rebuilding the M thru MB oriented counseling.

<small>[ December 07, 2002, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

well my first thought is to cut it off there.she's in the fog and your the one paying for it.how long do you want to do this.MB suggest's as long as it takes.i followed this some.yes when her fog clears your still be there just waiting,should you decide to wait.however,from my own experience,the longer it goes on the more damage it causes.every day she spends with him and causes you pain is one more memory you have to deal with.i was amased how quickly my wife just forgot about her affair.it doesn't work the same with us.every single day i let her continue is a million memories that i have ,most bad.and the worst part is these are memories that i allowed.
most people when ask if they could change the past say they wouldn't.i would do a few things diferent.it was bad enough she inflicted pain on me with the affair,but then me inflicting my own pain by standing by and waiting.that part i would change.i have enough pain just from what she did before i knew,but i have more problems with what happend after i found out.

I have been thinking. I want my wife to come home but I also want to builda good marriage when she ready. I just don't see how she could be so crual at tims and so loving at others. I really hope she comes home and gets counseling. I think it will help us alot.

wrngler, it might be a good idea to let your WW know that if she decides to end her A with OM, and committs to rebuild the M with you thru counseling with an MB oriented professional, that you vow never, ever to throw the A in her face. Let her know that the old M is dead and gone and that you want a NEW M with her built on love, respect, and trust. But for the time being, it is painful for you to be in contact with her while she is still involved with OM and thus want no contact except for that related to your child.

I took your advice and let my WW know I would not throw the affair in her face. I wanted a new and better marriage than before. She seemed to respond pretty well to it. She told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to cme back to me or just the security of our relationship. having her own house and stuff. So I guess today was positive. She kissed me goodbye whih surprised me. I know she loves me but she can't give up other man. No matter how much he screws up. I have made coming home look very good and she almost did. I tol her I understood her feelings and would help her get better. I really made myself look good in her eyes. I'm thinking positive but also keeping my feet planted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to cme back to me or just the security of our relationship. having her own house and stuff."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank her for her honesty. Let her know that you will support any decision she makes.

Wrngler even though she is the mother of your child and your 'legal' wife, you are NOT her owner (keep this in mind). Nobody own's anybody, remember that.

wrngler,

On another thread you said that the OM was a born screw up.

If you think it is safe to do so, get your wife a nice Christmas present that the OM will find out about. Maybe he will show his true self again?

It sounds like you have done everthing you can to show her it is safe to return.

I don't want to sound overly optimistic, but it sounds like this A may die "a natural death". Let's all hope so. A nice XMas gift is a way of directly telling your W that you love her and at the same time, passively saying to the OM, "I'm still here."

Also, watch yourself, emotionally that is. TooMuchCoffeeMan has suggested Plan B and that may be what you have to do to protect yourself.

Keep positive.

Funny you should say something about a gift. On another thread I said I had bought her a ring for christmas. Well when she said she was coming home I gave her that ring. She was still wearing it when I saw her today. I don't think OM has noticed it yet or WW is taking it off around him. He gets extreamly jelouse when she talks to me or sees me. I just wish she would stop feeling sorry for him. She always is willing to help people out. I admired her for that. Now it seems tobe a burdon. She does not seem happy to me. It's almost like she is waiting for him to leave. The couple of days when I thought se was coming back she told me she felt bad for throwing him out. She said she felt depreased and wished she had not been so mean to him. I guess when they saw each oter she tried to apoligize and I'm sure he said he had no where to go. She felt bad for him and went running back to him. Well he may be on his best behavior right now but he will screw up some more. I have modified my plan somewhat for recovery. When she tells me she is coming home I will tell her to get her stuff or I will go get it right then and there. Then all the other stuff like no contact and counseling will also be included. goodnight for now. I hope I sleep better tonight.