Here's my latest update:

I finally spoke with Jennifer last week. Most of what she told me is in the web site, but she did give me some interesting insight about my W's behavior. She recommends that I Plan A for the next couple of weeks and start writing Plan B letter. I have another appt with her a week from Monday. She thinks my W is at the height of her A and that OM will not be able to take care of her ENs after a while. I've resigned myself to the idea that this is it, I have to start acting as if we're divorced. This will be hard but all I have to do is think about Thanksgiving weekend to do Plan B properly.

Today, I called my S and W picked up the phone and said she wanted to talk about a couple of things. We talked for about an hour, the highlight of the conversation as follows:

1. She said there is something she does not understand and that is how can we make it work if there are too many differences between the two of us. My response is that there has always been differences between the two of us but that right now they are magnified because of what she feels for the OM. I said that differences are part of what makes a M thrive. If we were both the same it would be very boring.

2. She said she and OM have had several "crisis" already. I told her that boyfriend/girlfriend crisis were not the same as married people's crisis. She said she agreed. With this she's saying she already knows him really well. (FOG?)

3. She said that when she tells me she's sorry she really means it even though I feel she says it coldly and w/o any feeling.

4. I told her about my talk with Jennifer and what she said. She sounded interested and asked me what it was she felt for the OM then. I recommended once again that she visit this site and that I could send her some of the books I've read.

5. She said she cannot reciprocate my love because she feels absolutely nothing for me. Jennifer told me that if she comes back to the M, initially everything will feel forced but that in time things will come naturally and in fact one day she may wake up and say "this is real." I am curious to know from those of you who are there if this was true in your case.

6. She says she is suffering too. I asked her what about, she did not answer, I said "are you suffering because you're away from the OM?" she still did not answer. I'd like to think that she has an inner struggle but I don't know. I really do think she's suffering because she's not with him. If this is indeed her suffering, how can she compare it to mine? I may be selfish with this.

An interesting point Jennifer made is that when faced with a situation we shouldn't be in one has the option to either stop the behavior or to change our moral values and sets of beliefs. I recall back in May/June when she decided to work on the M, to me she decided to stop her behavior but could not and contacted him again (addiction?). Since she decided to continue with him then she started changing her values and beliefs: We're not married really, God knows what's in her heart, we can't be together, etc.

I don't know what I feel right now. Maybe numb. I am doing a little better this weekend compared to last. Just the thought of losing the best thing in my life makes me cry blood, not tears. She knows this, she has heard how much I love her, but unfortunately she's the only one who does not admit it. All our friends (who know), family, etc. know of my deep love for her, except her. Jennifer recommended that I seek a legal separation to include custody and financial. Basically, I have to let the A run its course. This is very painful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very painful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it is, but you are not alone.

TMCM,

Thanks for your words. I know that figuretively speaking I'm not alone. This message board has been wonderful to me, but I still go to an empty bed at night and I look around my house and there is nobody here.

I miss my S's laughter, his jokes, his petitions to play with him, etc. I miss my W's laughter when I make her laugh, her kisses, etc.

Thanks though.

<small>[ December 07, 2002, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>TMCM,

Thanks for your words. I know that figuretively speaking I'm not alone. This message board has been wonderful to me, but I still go to an empty bed at night and I look around my house and there is nobody here.

I miss my S's laughter, his jokes, his petitions to play with him, etc. I miss my W's laughter when I make her laugh, her kisses, etc.

Thanks though.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You wouldn't be a human being if you didn't.

Sunday was a bad day emotionally for me and today it is starting out that way. I am afraid of being in this pain for a long time.

Last night I briefly talked to my W; she broke yet another agreement regarding telephone access to my S. This was a minor one and I just reminded her of the agreement.

She said a couple of things that caught my ear:

1. A friend told her that the situation she was in is as if she was single and she had two guys fighting for her but she loved one and not the other. Well, she feels for the one she does not love but she has to pick the one she loves. I am like, wait a minute, ours is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We are married and have a son.

2. To which she replies that we are married only on paper because I was never in her heart. Now she knows what real love is and feels like in her heart and therefore our love was never real. (Fog?)

Utterly Confused: I am so sorry that you are still feeling so much pain. I can truly understand your feelings.

I too remember times I'd make my H laugh and how he used to love my hugs and kisses. I know how it feels to go to an empty bed at night and just wish there was someone to hug and to be hugged by.

We can only hope that for people like you and I there is some 'sunshine' in our future. I don't know why else we would be going through so much pain. It must be for a reason.

You take care of yourself. I'll keep checking for your posts.