Hi. I've started Plan B as a result of more discovered lies-lies that didn't even have a purpose. So, I canceled dinner plans with WH and told him that I didn't want to pursue a friendship unless he was no longer seeing OW. He said our dinner plans were not a date but just to talk -to see how things went. Hmmnn.
He spent Thanksgiving w/her family and is taking her to the company party. That hurts.
I am scared that Plan B will push away any hope that we have of reconciling. I think he'll just keep walking away. Our relationship and his with OW both started as friends and time spent together. However, WH wants family time and a girlfriend. He spent the entire day after Thanksgiving with us-even though OW wasn't working.
I just can't figure this out.
He had asked about spending X-mas together and doing shopping together, etc. but I said no. If ever there was a time that he felt the consequences of this actions..it's over the holidays.
However, I guess if he makes it through the holidays with OW..then that doesn't bode well either.
His roommate (divorcing male) financialy supports him (ie. toys, extras, nice house), his girlfriend keeps him warm, and he sees his kids. What incentive does he have to make any changes? I feel like the odds are against reconcilation at this point.
Comments appreciated.
Can't Sleep

forget about him a moment, what do you want? do you want to sit around and hand him ice cream while he's eating cake? or do you want to move on? he'll probably not start missing you until you go away. right now, he knows that he can do anything he wants to you and you'll accept it. if you are strong enough to take it and are willing to try, then stick with plan a. if on the other hand you feel that your heart and soul are every bit as important as your vows, it may be time to move to plan b and try to save yourself.

***He spent Thanksgiving w/her family and is taking her to the company party. That hurts.
I am scared that Plan B will push away any hope that we have of reconciling.***

You *already* have no hope of reconciling as long as this kind of stuff is going on. Zero. None. Nada.

***His roommate (divorcing male) financialy supports him (ie. toys, extras, nice house), his girlfriend keeps him warm, and he sees his kids. What incentive does he have to make any changes?***

You're right -- he has no incentive at all. He will go on like this just as long as you let him. Why? As Dr. Phil would say, "Because he can."

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Do not expect instant results. It's going to take some time before he realizes you're serious this time. Good luck.

Dear Can't Sleep,

I feel like I am in the same situation as you in that I am enabling my WH to not make a decision. If our WH have all of their needs being met, why choose? I wish I had some advice to help you decide, but I think it is an individual choice to go to plan B. If you need to protect yourself from the hurt and pain he is causing, then I think you should go to plan B. But if you can continue to stay strong and work on you in the process, then stick to plan A. I wish I could offer more, but I am in the middle of answering those questions right now.
Take Care!

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi Can't sleep,

I don't know your story too well, but I have to agree with the other posters. You are right your H has NO incentive to change.

I must say don't be afraid of plan B. I have basically been in a forced plan B since H moved out a year ago and out of state. I have plan A'd when possible. But really having not to deal with the day to day things with H have made it easier to see what I want and let me know that if he decides not to return I will be fine.

Your H has everything now. Of course he won't change. I feared that my H being with OW would bring them together. Now I welcome it. I want to know the outcome good or bad so I can move on too. We cannot foresee what our plan A or plan B will do in regards to our spouses. I am though a firm believer that following the plan A then B are the BEST we can do for us and our R. Whether we get the outcome we wish for or not. I know if I had not given my all I would not be comfortable enough now to let fate or God take over. If it was necessary, which it isn't in my case, at this point I would be in Plan B. I am ready for it. For my H it really is the point for me that he either P@@ps or gets off the pot. He IS going to lose me and soon. I will be gone. Not physically but in my heart.

So, to repeat Kristwany. What do you want? You need to do what you think is right and you are comfortable with. What is best for your family, not necessarily your H. He has made the decisions that put him here, he must start to live the consequeces. My H has started to live the consequences of his actions and it isn't pretty. Will he wake up? I don't know. But it doesn't matter as much as it used to.

Don't give up hope however. If you have read SSA you see that most A's don't end the pretty way. It is a tough road. So hang in there. Read and post and get more advice, it will become clearer as you go along what YOU need to do in your situation. Everyone's is different. But being here will help immensely. Good luck.

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>

Thanks for your replies. Sounds like everyone agrees I am doing the right thing.
Since I've made this decision, I feel scared and believe the end is here but I also feel like looking toward the future and have refocused on some goals.
I could have continued in Plan A..the time we did spent together I enjoyed, I do miss him, and Christmas will be lonely. However, every time he lied or I realized that he was doing something with OW, I felt terrible and used. Part of me was afraid that he was increasing contact lately because of the holidays and then after the holidays, he would decrease again.
Thanks,
Can't Sleep

Cab't Sleep,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this during the holidays. My heart goes out to you. Keep up the inner strength and let us know what's goin' on! You're in my prayers!

HUGS!!!
PQ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by can't sleep:
<strong>Hi.......I am scared that Plan B will push away any hope that we have of reconciling. I think he'll just keep walking away.

He had asked about spending X-mas together and doing shopping together, etc. but I said no. If ever there was a time that he felt the consequences of this actions..it's over the holidays.
However, I guess if he makes it through the holidays with OW..then that doesn't bode well either.
His roommate (divorcing male) financialy supports him (ie. toys, extras, nice house), his girlfriend keeps him warm, and he sees his kids. What incentive does he have to make any changes? I feel like the odds are against reconcilation at this point.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CS,
PLAN B is to protect you not the WS. In fact it sets distance between the WS and BS because the WS actions or words (or both) are hurting the BS. So plan B is not to return him.

Remember you can't control him in either plan A or B. So he can pull away on either one.

He does seem to show the need to need you there for certain things. Whether you meet that need or not is your choice. Sometimes the best help is no help.

'I love you but can't help you at this time.'
'I understand you asked to come along but it is not healthy for me at this time.'

Something like that. I believe you already made that choice but not going to dinner with him. Looks like he was trying to make you think it was more and then pull back when you declined. Notice how he may be attempting to not show his hurt.

But he needs to hurt to learn not to do this to you again. Maybe he needs a bop from the LB Fairie..... LOL!!!

take care,
L.

Thanks for your support. I still feel torn about my decision but going for it as I have no other choice at this point.
He called the kids at 5 to say goodnight (message)...why can't he just call at his normal time(8) from the OW's house? Why is this all so separate? Guilt? Does it make her mad? Is he too selfish to take time away from her? The kids have never officially met her as his girlfriend (met her once at work when were still together).
I am going to be OK. I am just sad and feel it's over.
My kids, suddenly, are all having a hard time with this. Oldest child in tears last night about us not being together at X-mas (his first verbal reaction in 9 months), middle child had a nightmere about a big pink monster eating everyone, and youngest child wet the bed (never does). Don't think it is a concindence that it all happened on the same night. Do you think they sense a change in me? I was very calm last night with them.
I woke-up at 4 a.m. and have worried about them ever since.
Thanks for your insights...please keep them coming.
Can't Sleep

I am scared that Plan B will push away any hope that we have of reconciling.
That is why you tell him you want reconciliation in your Plan B letter. you did send a Plan B letter, didn't you?