Hello Orchid,
I would like some advice from you as I love the way you think and I admire all your posts and answers.
The problem is my WH who left me over 6 months ago and he filed for divorce. This has really devasted me. This divorce is about in its final stages.
He has come a few times and wanted to try? Well when he comes he picks fights, says nasty things and blames me for all. I found through his cell phone bills, (PI), two women and I have names and addresses. I did go there and his vehicles where there.
I told him to tell me the truth or I could not trust him, put his ring back on, show some love and commitment to our marriage, and go with me to my counselors. He says he will not tell me anything and does not make an attempt to show any love for me and says there is nothing wrong with him!
He accused me this week of ruining our Christmas?
I do love my H with all my heart but just do not want him back with the lies as I feel he would do this again as he walked out three times this year because he was going to live his life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Please let me know what you think and how I should go about this. Thank you a million and may God Bless you. Have a Great Holiday too!

Hi LNC,

I am sorry you are in this situation. You can benefit from many posters so I will say right off the bat, just rename your thread so you can get the benefit of all here, ok?

For what it is worth, here is my 2 cents.

1. Your H is sitting on the fence.
You need to learn about cakeeaters and
how to deal with them. Take a look a the
book, love must be tough by Dr James
Dobson.

2. Your H is not done with his A or need for
As.
You need to evaluate what that means for
you and your family. Identify your
boundaries and learn to implement them.
You may need professional assistance
(IC or MC).

3. Really assess what your postive and negative points are.

4. Find out what his needs are.

5. Are there multiple reasons for his A? Any of them chemical related?

6. Protect yourself and your family's interests.
Many in the fog will put some or all of it at risk.
Take no chances.

7. Make sure you create a safe support group for you.

8. This next one is hard. You can't fix him. He needs to show you what his worth is. If he needs help, he needs to go get it. Don't enable him by doing it all. Rest your giver for a while and let him do the giving. It may stimulate his brain.

Think about the above and let us know what your thoughts.

By the way......that blaming you for ruining his christmas is hogwash........ and he knows it. Let that stupid comment slide. He is babbling.

L.

Hi- Just thought I would add... that I ruin everything according the ws at times.. whatever he feels like blaming me for. My fault he doesn't see his kids enough... blah blah blah... well his fault he moved out and 30+ minutes away, blah blah blah..

Hugs, It is just total ws talk. Comes from their handbook.

H

Hello Orchid and Honey,
Thank you both for your kind words and experience!
This has been a very trying time for me as I do not have those great little faces to look at! I would be in heaven if I did. They do help pull you through.
Orchid my WH does not have a chemical reason for the A. He never did anyway and I am almost sure he does not now. He is a very stubborn man and cares most about himself. I was worried though a few weeks ago when his sister said to me that all of that family have manic depression which could be my WH's problem as he does have a temper (not physical)even when he drops something. This may well have caused most of our problems as we never fought.
I did have my own counselor but I think when he went one time she kinda sided with him and I know he can be charming - put on!
Thanksgiving was awful as he had called and asked if he could come around 5. I said ok and thought maybe we would go out to eat. Well he ate with his friends and brought me a meatball sub. I was not remembered by family. He stayed only one hour and left. The other day he came and told me I was ungrateful for the sub. No I just want to be treated like his wife.
Yes I do think he is fence sitting but how do we knock them off it? Lol! I guess by the time he corrects his behavior the divorce will go through and I will not take him back. He has had all summer to try and he has only argued. I have gotten to a point that I am taking care of me and he will loose a good wife that he never took anywhere or cared enough about. His loss right?
Did you girls every feel like you were so confused you did not know how to get where you were going? He was my whole life. I have taken steps to be protected and he is finally paying support for me. I had surg on right arm as a resident twisted it year ago Oct and caused alot of damage so my pay dropped 150.00 a week being on comp. WH left and stuck me with all the bills.
I have really tried to find out what his needs are but he only argues and my nerves can not take his mouth anymore and mine gets up to at times. I have learned to just smile and it eats him. Problems communicating as he will not tell it like it is.
I go out and also find lots to do.
I have read Dobson's Book and yes I agree. That was a good Book. I have read His Needs and Her needs also and been on this site now since May. It does help. Learned tons.
Thanks to both of you and the hugs and prayers come right back at ya!