Foggy Husband says: "You know.... I STILL don't love you."

Terri answers softly; " Remember, I am (Daughter's name) mother."

Dear T,

A reverse psychobabble course would have been so great!...

"would you like fries with that?" is all I can think of...

Hope it makes you smile a little.

{{{{HUG}}}}

Hi. Can you imagine, he hasn't restated his claims since Monday.

Left me another three voicemails yesterday. The first two rambled the same general thing. The third, "Can you pls call me on my cell phone when you get a chance?"

Tuesday night, I go to pick up D at my mother's. H has brought my mother a small tree for her apt, put lights on, ribbon and angel! My reaction? Not very positive because I can't really figure him out anymore.

Ark, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you're still giving your idea of this perfect love existing between the two of them way to much power.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're absolutely right. I am. It's really hard not to think that there's something amazing between them since he left everything he had behind for it and especially, since she's not here on a full time basis.

But everything you say is correct. I have to detach, stop thinking of their love...move back to that place where I was before knowing of the dreaded vacation place. It's hard to move back to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and he may come to find that you loved him INSPITE of his faults....for a long time....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He'll never realize this unless he were to live with the OW full time. That's my fear.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you detach a little more and get him out of your day to day stuff sooo much </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to try.

Thank-you Ark.

Smudger, Thank-you for replying. Hope your situation gets better over the holidays.

Do I have hope? Less and less, but yes, I still hold the torch for our marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If WS one day says he does have feelings for you, you must be sure and not react by letting your defense down </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If my H ever did, I'd probably fall over from a heart attack! And I'm sure, so would all of my MB friends!

Hi LL, Thank-you for your words of encouragement.

Pepper, Powerful...

Baby, LOL!!

Hugs to all.

T-

Be grateful he is being kind to your family, that is a very very good sign... maybe he is one of those prideful males that can't admit when they are wrong? I know I am married, by paper, to one of them....

I think that is a great sign! I think he cares, obviuosly,he is just so deep in his stuff.. that it is hard to see the way out. Help him in the kindest way you can.

I am for reverse babble at times, but please don't overdo it! Show him your strength- but don't let his actions, bring you to doing things that are so out of character for you... MEAN things that is... Sarcastic comments that are hurtful, etc. Just don't go there.

Silly is fine, but not mean.

Show your love through the babble.

Our christian counselor is so wonderful T.

He says I have to quit holding the A and h's other faults over him.. that is HIS STUFF to handle... I don't want him telling me how to correct me.

The couselor says we should BOTh offer grace and forgiveness.

Peace to you and your family, including your h, at this time of year. Blessings.

Give him a wonderful christmas gift T...

One idea- I made COPIES of pics of us together that he chose.... out of the albums... still making more and made him his own little albums... He even has a pic of him and son on the fridge at his place now. YEA!!

There is hope!

Ask him if he would like some copies of pics... maybe? It is a wonderful gift btwn me and H... and he chose pics of me, my parents - who he will not even go near- they were always good to him.. and my sister.. etc. I thought he would be picking just him and the boys... but no, I was included, and several times he has told me ... how he has been looking at the old albums...

Hugs to you T, don't get too mean.

It is in forgiving that we are forgiven, in pardoning that we are pardoned, and in loving that we are loved.

Love, Honey

Hello Honey, Thanks for your kind reply.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be grateful he is being kind to your family, that is a very very good sign... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You think so? I think it's guilt, isn't it?

But I will try to be kind. I do not want to become one of those embittered exwives.

I'm really glad you have found a good christian counselor. I wish there was someone close to me that I could find. He sounds like he's actually into saving marriages.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The couselor says we should BOTh offer grace and forgiveness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said something similar to my H the other day because my H says he'll never forgive me for leading him to have the A. I hope God shows him differently.

I was thinking of getting him a nice gift but I fear being rejected.

Thanks for your encouragement, Honey.

Take care.

T- Offer him the gift.. if he doesn't want it tell him you will take it back if he feels he doesn't want a gift from you...

I gave my h one for anniv and christamas this yr and last... I think I may have skipped his bday and I think his feelings were hurt and at that time we slid apart more.....

Everytime I have done something kind to my h without rubbing the a in his face, I would say there were baby steps... well at times... he won't take the kindness.. it is like the guilt or anger overwhelms them... so politely say, ok... and move on....

Be polite, loving and kind. It works T... even on meanies... believe me, it is the only thing I found that works...

I hope you and your h find each other again soon. We aren't there yet, but it is baby steps.

I asked and asked and asked... I found a church that offers inexpensive counselors...in a church environment. I found out about this church and the cousneling center from 2 friends. I told h I was giving up and very sad, and then asked him would he be willing to try counseling... he sd he would...

That was a few months a go.. it took me over a month to find a place I could afford.

Here's to some prayers going your families way. Be loving and kind T. I don't think he likes the sarcastic you- not that you are overly... and not that they don't deserve it....!!!, you never were when you fell in love , were you?

My counselor sd to quit throwing the A at him... let it go.

Hugs, H

How are you T?

Honey

Hello Honey, Sweet of you to wonder about me. Hope you're doing okay.

H had sales forecasts that were due on Monday so I didn't see him until Sunday evening. He had asked to take D to his mother's for dinner on Saturday but I had already made plans to take D to the Nutcracker Ballet. Well, I don't think that went over too well. He seemed REALLY cold on Sunday night although he did offer to buy stamps and mail Christmas cards for me.

Tonight he called me twice to tell me where he was at...but really cold, mean and angry. Wanted to make sure I wasn't sending the cards from him too.

Ignored him as much as I could but I felt really DOWN today. That's why I've been staying away. Too low for words.

Lots of hugs.

Terrified-

I think he was really cold for parts of 2 reasons, jmho:

1. He wanted D for dinner and couldn't have her when he wanted her.

2. He was jealous about the ballet, and might of secretly liked to have been invited, even though he might of turned you down if you did ask... if he is anything like my wh...

I think you prob. know this stuff anyway, .... today the counselor sd . we both prob. know each other well enough to know when each other is being rude, angry, annoyed, sarcastic, petty, happy, glad, loving, kind, etc.... we know... even without words... YOU KNOW HIM.

I still think this is a big temper fit. A lot like my h... a lot of why I ck in on you... .you get alot of similar stuff I get.

The ow will wear off, do not fret.... the truth is he really loves you.

I have found success in being kind and loving, but politely telling him I did not want to bother him..... I think that one worked well this week...

WH actually sd he is afraid that I will just agree to sign the D papers out of frustration since he hasn't tried to make this work... while I have given it a overly zealous effot... 'overly zealous ' his words... I know I have been..attempting to get us to do things together etc .

I think it is scaring him a bit that I am like... well, if you don't want this I can't force you... I want to make it work, I love you and know we can... but if you won't then OK.

That acceptance of then OK... seems to help. Whatever you want is fine, I release you with love and kindness....

I really think you have a great chance left t.... I know it is hard, and even harder his fantasy is still active... but that is all it is .. a fantasy.... If he really wanted a D.. he would of alraedy filed long ago.. we all know that.

Do something kind, with no expectations... I think that is what will work with your h....

And back off... kind of like you would treat a hungry lion you are trying to make friends with... be nice, but from a distance.. don't let him bite you.

I think about you and I hope this week holds kindness and love for you.

It is in loving that we are loved, and in forgiving that we are forgiven.... that is part of my theme as of late.

Prayers and love are being sent your way.

HUGS TO YOU, HONEY

T --
I miss posting to you, and I notice that you post much less often.
I always look for updates from you!

I was really hoping that you had read Katie Scarletts thread -- on the 2nd page there were some really interesting points about respect.

I think about you often.

How long are you going to continue with this? And believe me, I am NOT suggesting that you give up on your marriage. But I believe that you need to give it a good strong SHOVE in one direction or the other. You're going on and on in this quasi-separated state, and I see no reason whatsoever for him to ever make a move. How long are you going to tolerate it???

I'm so curious about how you handle his offers to help you. I'm curious about how you handle his come-ons. It seems like there is so much unsaid.

He seems to have a "need" to help you. It makes him feel less guilty to do things for you. I wish/hope that you don't allow it. I guess thats the part of me that thinks you should be in Plan B. Let his guilt find another outlet.

Or go the other direction -- and GO HEAD on into Plan A.

I have the impression that you're somewhere in between -- not really Plan A, but not Plan B either. And meanwhile life just goes on and on.
WH is continuing to build on this separation between you and trying to gain everyones comfort with it. Please choose something. Take control. Either make it impossible for him -- stay involved with his family, make sure everyone knows that you want the marriage, let everyone know that he's cheating and you're trying! OR -- flat out walk away from him, plan B and don't look back. Stop letting him dump his guilt by doing things for you. Get away from him.

Your choice -- but MAKE YOUR CHOICE. Stop letting him control the outcome.

Hello all,

I've been pretty frantic with Christmas approaching and hectic work schedules. I've tried to keep my mind occupied in order that my overall spirits could improve.

I'm sure alot of you on this board find Christmastime equally difficult. The only thing I really find comfort in besides "talking" to MB'ers is talking to God.

H called me a few times yesterday. The first time I answered and he became rude. Threw something back at me about communicating...I hung up. Just didn't feel it was worth battling. I'd probably LB or something like that. And besides, I'm at work and in the middle of many things. Is hanging up an LB in response to verbal abuse?

Well, he called back 5 or 6 times. I never answered. He then tried to call my cell phone. The first time I picked up but he started to blow up again so I hung up. He then called 4, 5, 6 times. I shut my phone off because people outside my office were getting sick of hearing the cell phone ring.

Tuesday is normally the day my mother watches D. My mother has a big problem with her blind eye. Couldn't watch D. IL's fill in. I make plans to leave work early so I can arrive at a decent hour. Decide to deliver some gifts to friends with D.

The reason H calls is because he's confused Tuesday with Wednesday. He blows steam and says NO WAY, IT's MY NIGHT, etc. etc. Well, I remind him quietly that it's only Tuesday and he says "Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Something you never knew how to do. Apologize." I hang up.

That's the last time. Today. Same deal. Calls both phones endlessly. Well, today is Wednesday but it just so happens that it's my D's Christmas concert at her school. My FIL comes to pick her up Wednesdays. I had to prepare dress/shoes/gifts for teaches/camera/day clothes and I have to leave early for concert. H angrily suggested that I shouldn't go because it's his night. I stood my ground. Didn't yell. Just responded, "Not on your life." Yes, he's being REALLY CIVIL.

Honey, you truly sound amazing. Strong. Confident. Wow. Keep it up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The ow will wear off, do not fret.... the truth is he really loves you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you were right. I don't know anymore. I think he's too angry and unforgiving.

I'm so glad that your H seems to be responding to your new approach. Could it be that you're truly happier with yourself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do something kind, with no expectations... I think that is what will work with your h.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to ignore his tantrums and respond with some level of respect or simply walk away so that he can listen to himself instead.

And I LOVE your new theme! Way to go Honey. Hope your week is progressing well.

Lex, Great to hear from you!! I think of you too!

You ask some terrific questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long are you going to continue with this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know. I'm all confused right now. I was asking myself the same thing. So many people offering advice. The only ones I listen to are MB'ers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish/hope that you don't allow it. Stop letting him dump his guilt by doing things for you. Get away from him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really am trying to say no to most of his offers. The only thing is every time I say no, it's okay...he retaliates and says, sure, you're the victim aren't you? Telling everyone you're all ALONE, having to do everything by yourself. Well, #1, I don't depict myself as a victim with anyone. If I'm sad, it's because my marriage is gone.

The quasi state you describe is how I feel. In limbo.

I really do believe that he feels the same and will file in the New Year.

Thanks for checking in.

Terrified,

I know you are hurt and sad and it's the holidays...and I don't want to bring you down any more....
BUT....
I really really think it's time to let go of what he may take as a LB quit worrying about that part and set some clear limits on what is becoming just plain intolerable harrassing mean behavior...

Time to start using his language back at him in the context of what he "believes" he wants...

Time to tell him that if wants a divorce soooo bad then he better stop here and now with all his tantrums and insults..that he sounds like a two year old more than a grown man...yep a disrepectful judgement for sure...but since this guy is sooo goood at flinging them at you...maybe a few back his way might get through...

tell him clearly that he wants all this to run sooo smooooth yet he takes every chance he can to insult and hurt you...and tell him you have had ENOUGH....

Tell him you will have no choice BUT to seek out others to do things or do them alone because he has gotten himself another woman and can't be civil let alone bothered with his family
babble back that you doing things alone will give him good practice once his honey comes to live and she is more interested in gazing into his eyes rather than letting him go out and be with his daughter..tell him it's a personal favor from you.......be direct and frank .....and that is his CHOICE REGARDLESS of all his shallow excuses of it all your fault...

babble back that you the olympics committee called and have added a new program coming up..and that they believe he can take the gold medal...in the sport of blaming others for their own misery....

Tell him his number of phone calls are not OK...and that he will make you get a new cell phone if they don't stop...and that if he can't be civil on the phone DO NOT CALL>>>>As he is proving that he is not a very nice person
(use his tactic and blame all your reactions on him).....
babble that dear better quit calling sooo much at work because if you get fired his alimony will go up and poor poor other woman won't have as much to sponge off of him...and she might call him something bad in some foreign language...and he needs the money for language lessons....

still still still not giving up on you and even him...but you must must must shake him up like a snow-globe...
write it in a letter...lie to him and tell him you are ready to talk about "issues" and go out to a restaraunt and tell him what you really are going to tell him is he better shape up...or nothing will be smooth from here on out...

Yep it's a LB...but the more you give away your self worth and respect in this the more he damages you AND feeds into his whole false world of he's sooo right.....

And you know what...GO ON A FAKE date...do it even if it's really a blatant lie....do it...turn that old switch on his head...especially since he has made some subtle passes...make him take daughter to his place...get adoringly cute...smell great and play it for all it's worth...go see some foreign flick or musuem in the city go alone...but talk about it when you come back...use the words "we" here and there....distract the heck out of this guy...do it NOW TODAY....plan it.....and if it's stuck in between a lot of hectic holiday plans...even better ...the more outrageous....but important it appears to be ...the better...make him STOP and THINK and WONDER....

find your strength and power....he can't take from you what you don't give him the power to take....be strong strong strong....
ARK

T,

HI- Just in regards to hanging up... I found that I felt better about hanging up on him when I kindly sd.... I can't be talked to that way, so I need to go now... maybe we can talk later in a kinder way? Or something like that... don't even remember how I sd it... but politely get off and let him know it is because he talked to you that way, therefore it is clear you are hanging up in response to his rudeness... not that he doesn't already know it, but saying it outloud helps.

My h actually started doing the same back to me if I ever got unruley? Who, me?

Hugs, H

Terri,
What strikes me time & again, is for a guy who is supposedly "over" you, he sure does seek your attention repeatedly and insistantly.

He's not sure.

Doesn't mean he'll act appropriately or seek reconciliation, but he's is definitely not sure in his own mind.

Dear Terrified,

It might be worth surfing over to Dr. Irene's web site on verbal abuse. Ex-Princess Buttercup has links. It sounds like that is a big issue in your relationship with your H- one that will ultimately need to be dealt with, whether you divorce or reconcile.

He seems to be into using you as some sort of verbal punching bag. Was he always that way in the M?

"Is hanging up an LB in response to verbal abuse ?"

Silly girl ..... noooooo it's not .... but, hang up with *class* .... "When you are able to control yourself over the phone I will be ready to talk, good-bye until then."

Would you think it was an LB if you daughter hung up on someone abusive?

When in doubt, ask yourself to imagine someone you deeply love in the same situation ... then ask , "Is this an LB?"

Pepper (still on jury duty !!! Gads!!!)

LB's are in the eyes of the receiver.

So yes, hanging up on him 6 or 7 times with him calling repeatedly and getting angier every time is LB'ing. Not to mention not very good Plan A.

Which is why I try to gently raise the question to T -- what is your Plan A all about??

It doesn't seem to me that T is doing Plan A, and certainly not doing Plan B. So what exactly IS the plan?? How long are you going to stay in this limbo?

Hey -- I am all for her putting up some boundries and not taking his verbal abuse. And common sense says that hanging up on him when he becomes nasty is a good thing to do. The problem lies with the fact that he is using this behavior to justify himself. Every time she hangs up on him he says "see!? thats why I can't be married to you anymore!"

I think a more reasonable way to handle it is to stop taking his calls. Don't put yourself into the situation where you have to hang up on him.

Get back to the basics of MB'er Terri. Plan A or Plan B. You've got tons of support no matter what -- but do it right!

Lexxxy nailed it, Terr.

You need to have a Plan ... you're flailing and thrashing about with no Plan, flying by the seat of your pants, Hon.

Whichever Plan you find appropriate we will support you in it. But without one, you will see no change.

Jo

Hello all,

Well, I'm trying to detach. Does detaching make you feel empty and disconnected? I suspect the answer is yes.

Until this morning, I had convinced myself of many things. Then my H shows up to pick up D. I don't know how to greet him when I seem anymore. Perhaps someone could help with this? Do I say hi, how's it going? Good morning? Cold, warm, distant or aloof?

Anyway, I simply said Hello and went on to let him know there were a number of things to remember for D's school...the knapsack with change of clothes (by the door), boots in a bag, gifts for teachers, treats for Christmas party, cheque for day care...everything was ready by the door.

Then H rants about tree not being watered (well it was but he assumed that I probably didn't do it). Then H rants that I left my car door unlocked. What was I thinking? He came very close to me in his second rant. I had my coat on and was carrying out a few things I had made for our company Pot Luck. He came VERY close. I felt that familiar electricity I normally feel when he is close to me. Does he feel it, I wonder? He was just SO close.

Ark, Who ever you are...you are special. Thank-you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really really think it's time to let go of what he may take as a LB quit worrying about that part and set some clear limits on what is becoming just plain intolerable harrassing mean behavior... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I know you're right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time to start using his language back at him in the context of what he "believes" he wants... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to do this Ark. When I sense losing my resolve, I close up. I'm not as confident as I should be in my "babble delivery".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And you know what...GO ON A FAKE date [/QUOTE

Sounds like a really good idea and I will try it in between the holidays. However, I honestly don't believe he will WONDER...I need to get back to that place that I was before I found out about the rendevous to Yugo.

Hello Honey,

You're right. I should hang up only after I've told him why I'm hanging up. I think I may have done that once or twice.

Thanks sweetie.

Hi Lor,

[QUOTE]He's not sure. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray you're right. I pray for this every day. EVERY day.

Hi Espoir,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to be into using you as some sort of verbal punching bag. Was he always that way in the M? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hard question. When he "loved" me, he was critical in many ways. He's critical of most people he's close to...that's just him. I'm not sure I can classify it as verbal abuse.

Hi Pepper,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but, hang up with *class* </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get it. I forget sometimes how to be, how to act, what is right, what is wrong...am I now becoming the LB queen?

Lex, I'm thinking about you. Hope you're okay. I'm going to try to call you sometime this weekend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LB's are in the eyes of the receiver.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to start remembering this guidline when I speak or do something. It's usually in LB fashion.

Thanks for reminding me of the need for consistency. Like I said, the holidays are bad. I did stop answering his calls for the rest of the week. Today, I think he called only once and it was about D's coat.

I'm trying to get back on track. Just a little thwarted because he's SO mean and cold again.

Told my friend that Christmas has lost its spirit???? And it's all my fault???

Thanks Lex for checking in.

Hey Jo, thanks for reminding me.

Love to all. Have a good weekend.

In my opinion, you're making this way more complicated than it has to be.

Like the others said, you need to pick a plan and stick to it -- though I sure don't see how you can Plan A a man who is physically and verbally abusive and I can't imagine that the Harleys would recommend it.

It seems to me that unless you want to go on and on and on and on and on with this to the end of time, you are in desperate need of Plan B. That way, whenever he says anything rude all you do is say, "Okay." Or, "Sure." Or, "Yes."

That's it. Then you walk away.

Simple. Nothing to rehearse or remember. And very, very effective at STOPPING THE ABUSE right now.

There are three fundamental mistakes here that I'm seeing:

First, you're still waiting and hoping he'll wake up and come to his senses all on his own without your having to take any action except sit and wait. If you've read the other posts here, or any of the Harley's material on this site, you will know that it hardly ever works that way.

Second, you are still telling yourself that his verbal abuse and nasty treatment of you are signs of "love," and that it's just "guilt" that's making him act this way.

Poppycock. You are cruelly deluding yourself with this and dragging your daughter right down with you. It's his desire to keep you in your place and still have his life as a single man with a girlfriend that's making him act like this -- it sure as hell isn't "love" for you.

Trying to call this treatment "love" is the classic response of an emotionally abused person. Love doesn't feel like that -- not for any reason!

If this wasn't what he wanted, he wouldn't do it. And why should he change? He's got his girlfriend, he's got time with his daughter, he's got his life as a single man, and he's got you cowed and Terrified and swallowing everything he dishes out and begging for more.

All he has to do is bide his time and keep pushing you until you finally, finally, finally get sick of him and file for divorce yourself. Then he can say that YOU are the bad guy, and not him, and in the meantime he's off doing what he wants to do anyway while you and your child live in misery.

See how nice that works?

If he loved you, he'd be with you as a loving husband. Think about it -- is he always this nasty, like when he's with his friends or at work or with OW? Or does he just act this way when he's with you and wants to make sure you stay Terrified and in your place and not interfere with the life he has now?

Third, you have got to understand that sex does not equal love. Just because a man wants to scr*w you does NOT mean he loves you. Just because there is a sexual spark between you does NOT mean you are in love with each other. I suspect that this, more than anything, is giving you a very destructive case of false hope.

I'm sorry if this sounds too harsh. But if you think you can just sit and wait for him to somehow magically wake up and make this all better, you are going to be waiting until the end of time. This will not change until YOU make it change.