My H is ready to write a NC letter but doesn't know how to write it. He asked me what to say so I'm asking the experts here to help me.

It should NOT say, "I'll miss you."

It SHOULD say - I have decided to make my marriage to my wife work. This is what I want. Please respect my decision and do not try to contact me in any way (and then list ways such as email, pager, blah, blah, blah).

Is he going to let you read it. Because I think that is a good idea.

Good luck.
DB

Yes, he is going to let me read it and we are going to mail it together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Is this it? Just short and to the point. Leave us alone or else. How do I know he's not going to later tell her to ignore it that I made him do it. That sort of thing. How do you know it's genuine?

I don't think it needs to be threatening. But it does need to express his seriousness in working this out with you. I think he should say to her that he loves YOU and wants to work it out with YOU. That she needs to respect his decision and not call him or contact him in any way.

Do they work together, go to the gym together? How did they meet? He needs to address that also. Find a new gym. Get a new job. Or switch shifts. This is what the Harley's advise but we personally couldn't apply the job thing to our situation.

It is imperative that you read it first so he can't add anything like "my wife is making me do this". Also, I read somewhere that a neutral 3rd party could deliver the letter. Do you have someone like that?

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It deals with this exact topic. Go get it.
DB

Since I haven't figured out how to do links yet, I cut and pasted this advice from Willard Harley. You can find the whole version under Articles then Coping with Infidelity Part II: How an Affair should end. Good luck.

"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. "

Thanks "dazedblonde"! They met about 6 years ago when my H had decided to go back to school. After a semester he never went back. It has supposedly been ongoing ever since (according to her). He will not admit to all of the details. It is a very complex and contorted story. Somedays I can't believe I have even been a part of this whole sega. I was so blind and so stupid for so long. I lived in such a sheltered world. Never thought anyone would do this to me. Anyway, it's like a drug addiction. They don't know how to stay away from each other for long periods of time. I think my H is serious this time but I'm so afraid it may not last. I wish he could do the 12 step program to get over her.

It's not LIKE an addiction. It IS an addiction. I firmly believe that.

Do you know ALL the details? I guess that would be hard considering the length of time involved. Do you feel you know most everything about the A to give you a sense that you are satisfied in knowing about? Did that sentence make sense? How long has it been since he's seen her? Do you believe it's over? I mean, how can we ever believe that, but does he sound convincing or foggy?

I see you have two small children. This must be really hard on you. I hope he's a good father.

Good luck with the NC letter.
DB

He's a wonderful father. OW says she saw him last week. He denies it. He seems sincere but I just don't know anymore. I also have an addiction with her that I have to break. I have been having email contact with her. I cannot explain it. In a different life time we could have been best friends. But in this lifetime she wants my H. One day she doesn't and the next he's her drug of pleasure. H says he's through and denies almost everything she says. I don't know who's telling the truth. I'm afraid that just like drugs he may go back after month of being "clean". I don't know if I can go through this all over again. Everything has come to light or at least what he'll admit too. I too know she is trying to sabotage us but it is so hard not to believe what she says. It's sick I know. I don't know how to explain it. I'm lost and desperate to have my family and my H back. Am I pathetic or what?

JMVHO, but I think a No Contact letter needs to apply to you, too. No, you can't believe ANYTHING she says. So quit talking to her. Change your email address and get rid of her from your address book. Now.
DB

Is it possible you are addicted to the drama of it all?

Yeah I guess I am. I am always itching to see what she has to say. I am now to point that I believe I am ready to go into treatment and detox. I am ready for a peaceful life. I have asked him to just let me go if he cannot be happy and faithful to me and our family. It's not fair to any of us. He agreed wholeheartedly and said that he had come to that decision as well. He says he's tired of all of the drama and lies and deceit. He says he can't stand seeing me this way. I am through with it all too. I have to give up my drug as well.

You asked how do you know he didn't tell her later to ignore it? Well, the raw truth is, you can't. I know that my FOM told me that he didn't write much of his n.c. letter; that every line had been dictated to him. Told me not to listen to anything he didn't tell me verbally.... wonder what he was telling his wife? I sincerely doubt that it was "Honey, as soon as your back is turned I'm going to call her and tell her this is B.S."

Not all N.C. letters are, though. I think you just need to guage him by his actions and trust your gut. Me personally, I didn't write a N.C. letter. I didn't want the contact that sending one would require.

I did the EXACT same thing with 2 of the OW. E-mail and telephone contact. And it was like an addiction as well. AND I felt I could have been best friends with one of them in another life. The 2nd one needed me like a child needs a mother. It was draining me!!! And she was telling me that H was contacting her and he was denying it. I did write a NC letter to her. I told her that if I was expecting him to not contact her, I had to do the same. I wished her the best of luck in her life. Then I had to "just stop". It was hard. I wanted to know if he was still talking to her.

My true best friend told me that I had to rid my life of anyone who was not there to support my higher good and healing my marriage.

Good luck and you are not sick or crazy....it is very easy to get wrapped up in that!