<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am new here and just trying to figure out why i have done some of the things ive done..My H and I have been married about 7 years and recently i had an A...I know deep down I love my H, but somehow when the OM shows up I start acting like an idiot again....my H and I dont have much of a sex life...but i know there is still more to the A then just sex, the problem is I'm not sure what else is there....the OM really doesnt mean anything to me..nor do I mean anything to him....I know I'm creating a huge mess...I'm just not sure why...anyone have any suggestions? Please?

kthsbabygirl
You will find plenty of information on this site to help you. You have done good by coming here. There are a number of posters who have been in your position. I am sure they will help you. Read the articlews and posts on the MB site and try and get counselling.
The positive thing about MBs is that you can find out how to build a happy marriage including improving your SF.
NS

Welcome to MB kthsbabygirl.

I would like to recommend that you read the MB concepts on this website as well as the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love busters'. You might also want to fill out the The Emotional Needs Questionaire to find out what are your most important emotional needs are.

From your description of your married sex life and how OM doesn't mean anything to you and vice versa, it seems that SF(sexual fulfillment) is one of your top emotional needs.

You must understand that if you are still having an A with OM, there is no chance for marital recovery and your efforts will be doomed to failure before you even have a chance to implement them. So ending your A and writting a letter of no contact to OM are the foundation on which your marital recovery will be built on.

Please don't lose hope, there are many people in your shoes and they were able to rebuild their M's, and so can you.

Want to second what Newsunrise posted. You can receive lots of support here.

I'm sure you're aware that the path you've taken is loaded with landmines which may blow up at any moment. IF...you want to get on a path back to your marriage, you need to end your affair as quickly as possible, as the longer it goes on the more likelyhood that your H will discover it...and then you'll have to face the results of his knowing of your betrayal. You'll need to put as much physical distance as possible between you and this OM. If this means changing jobs...do so. Do whatever it takes to make it next to impossible for you to see him at all. The sooner you remove yourself from the path of temptation, the sooner your emotional connection will wain.

One of the biggest attractions to being involved in an affair is the discovery of learning about someone new. It's being able to rewrite your "role" in a love/sex relationship and you only have to expand the effort to play "your part" in whatever time you can take from the primary relationship. It's exciting, forbidden, and something you're keeping "all to yourself". You don't share it with your spouse...you become a "new you". You've got no clay feet, he's got none, and each of you only have to "be on stage" for a limited time...and you only put your "best foot forward".

If the marriage is having sexual difficulties...get some professional help. It could be something as small as a difference in needs, which you and your H can agree to work on meeting each other halfway. It could be something as serious as a physical problem, which will need a doctor's help to correct. And everything in between.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am new here and just trying to figure out why i have done some of the things ive done.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto all the previous posts. Read, read, read... It is important to find out why things happen but IMHO its better to figure out how to make things better.

Does your H know about the A. What's the story there?

Remember you are not a bad person, you just made some bad choices. It says alot that you are here.

Take care.

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

ditto to all above posters. I still question why I had my affair. Its seems too simple that the OM was fullfilling my EN and that he was depositing Love deposits in my bank, while H was withdrawing them, but NOT meetingmy ENs. ( did that make any sense??)

You need to make up your mind if you want to save your marriage or not. I think that you do, because you are here asking for help. I think that is great and I know you can do it. Its hard, but it can be done. I did not belive it when others told me 4 mos ago, but even though there is still alot of pain in our lives, my H and I are in a better place then we have ever been.

I think the OM does mean something to you, as pointed out he is giving you lots of love deposits because he fullfills your sexual needs.

ditto to all above posters. I still question why I had my affair. Its seems too simple that the OM was fullfilling my EN and that he was depositing Love deposits in my bank, while H was withdrawing them, but NOT meetingmy ENs. ( did that make any sense??)

You need to make up your mind if you want to save your marriage or not. I think that you do, because you are here asking for help. I think that is great and I know you can do it. Its hard, but it can be done. I did not belive it when others told me 4 mos ago, but even though there is still alot of pain in our lives, my H and I are in a better place then we have ever been.

I think the OM does mean something to you, as pointed out he is giving you lots of love deposits because he fullfills your sexual needs.

Welcome to MB kthsbabygirl,

I agree with all the suggestions in the previous posts about reading as much as you can on this site, and also perhaps reading Harley's book Suviving an Affair.

I was where you are back in May of this year. I too have been married to my H for about 7 years (it's our anniversary in a few weeks actually), and deep down really love my H, but had an affair with his best friend. I too told myself that the OM really didn't mean anything to me. But I came to realize that if he didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

With the help of this site, lots of reading, and some counselling, I have begun to understand why I had the affair. It will take time to figure it out, that is for sure. For me, some of the reasons are:

- he made me feel appreciated
- he was fun to be with
- he praised me and made me feel good about myself
- he gave me lots of positive attention
- he listened to me when I takled about my problems, including my marital problems
- I have a genuine difficulty with setting boundaries for myself (saying "no" to people)
- the level of intimacy between my H and I had eroded, we didn't communicate like we once did

Generally, you will find that this site and many other books will tell you that you were not having all of your needs fully met by your H, so you sought out someone else. Fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and figure out what needs are important to you.

I would recommend you tell your H the truth about the affair, before he finds out or figures it out. Mine found out, and that has made recovery all the more difficult. Confessing at least shows your desire to rebuild trust and commit to the marriage.

If you don't tell your H, there will always be a void between you. Better to tell him and work together in an open and honest marriage, then always have something keeping you apart.

Cut off all contact with OM. I ended the affair with d-day, but being around OM a few times early on just made me want to be with him, which isn't going to help the recovery of your marriage.

Good for you for acknowledging that what you are doing is wrong. You have a potentially long and bumpy road ahead of you. I've been there! Feel free to ask me any questions you like, I'll try to help you any way I can.

Take care and good luck,

Jen

I want to say thank you to everyone who replied...you gave me a place to start figuring things out. The A ended almost as soon as it started....i knew it was wrong when i did it and didnt want to make things worse....I'm not sure about telling my H...i fear that might actually put the OM in physical danger...i think i will tell him...i think i just need a little time first.....my biggest problem is that i cant seem to get away from the OM....since we have talked online for a long time...and he seems to know alot about computers...no matter what i do he seems to be able to track me down.....once again....ty for all of your help and i will try to keep you posted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> .....my biggest problem is that i cant seem to get away from the OM....since we have talked online for a long time...and he seems to know alot about computers...no matter what i do he seems to be able to track me down.....once again....ty for all of your help and i will try to keep you posted.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The next time OM contacts you, tell him that you do not want him to contact you ever again otherwise you will tell your H about his constant persuit of you (chances are, this last part will make him stop contacting you). Be firm with him otherwise he won't beleive you.

If the OM continues to stalk you then you should take action against him in the form of telling your H and obtaining a restraining order against him.

Good luck and God bless.

I have to ask this - How did you meet him? Online?

Well..i did meet him online....we talked on here for about a year...then i went to a chat party with everyone from the room and he was there....

What made me ask was the cyber stalking. There are those on the internet that find vulnerable people, get to know them, and when you want to end it, they cyberstalk you. Possibly with the intent to blackmail you, let me see, what else have I heard of. Oh, I know, I read an article about a woman who met someone online, somehow he found her address and started to phyically stalk her. She has moved, he finds her.

I don't know why, but this was my first thought when I read the post about him knowing his way around computers.

I am trying to remember the name of an online group that helps with cyberstalking. I read about them in a magazine article. I think it was cyberangels.

If I can find it, I will post it to you. It may not be this, but it sure sounds like the potential for it.

I found it.

If you think he is stalking you, contact them. They might have some advice for you.

http://www.cyberangels.org/

What I recall in the article a teenage boy was in a teen chat room. He started up a chat with a teenage girl. It turned out that this was not a teenage girl but a older man. The teenage boy, had a webpage, which the olderman trashed with obsentity and porn links. He tried to mess up this kids life.

Like I said. I don't know why, but one of your posts immediately brought this to mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure about telling my H...i fear that might actually put the OM in physical danger </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will tell you this. Not telling him is definitely not going to help. How you do this is not my call. Maybe some others could advise you on this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> no matter what i do he seems to be able to track me down.....once again.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How? There are plenty of computer nerds(myself incld.) here to assist along with the suggestions in the previous posts.

Sue...ty for the link...im hoping i wont need it but im beginning to wonder about that.....he is even emailing my friends now..the other people from the chat party(friends) trying to get them to help me understand why we belong together.....the more i think about it...the more i think i will tell my husband about it.....i think i will just have to try not to tell him the OM name...maybe that way it will make it a little safer.....as far as how he keeps finding me...im not real sure....i know where he works at night...but someone said they think he also works part time for one of the local isp's...but they arent sure which one...i dont know if he could get all the info he would need that way or not...i really dont know alot about computers.....again....i do want to thank everyone for their help...i was afraid to come in thinking i would have to be judged again and right now i am getting that from every direction...so ty very much for the support and advice....
shell