My H discovered 2 weeks ago about my recent affair. I have had no contact with OM for approx. 3 weeks. H feels I am just going through the motions of being in this marriage. If other man had been single I would have been out the door. H thinks I'm unremorseful, pissed I was caught and I'm sad now that OM isn't contacting me (by request of my H).

Irony, took me 10 years to get over a R where boyfriend cheated on me, but I only came to terms w/it three months before I went and cheated on my husband. H doesn't feel I could feel the pain he is going through now since I wasn't married to boyfriend.

From my experience, I know only time will take away his pain. But I am not able to verbally articulate my shame and what a terrible thing I've done to him. We both admit we weren't fulfilling each other's emotional needs. He says that is the only reason he hasn't kicked me out the door.

Any advice?

You said; "If other man had been single I would have been out the door."

Why is that?

Pepper

PS ... Welcome to MB. Please read the concepts listed on the site map.

Mary

Sorry to see you here on MB, but it is a wonderful place for support and help. As a FWS myself, the people here have been amazing, but only you can help yourself.

It is very very early days. But if you are remorseful and willing to re-build your life with your H, it will take a long time.

Read everything here, and order some books Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Give people here some more information if you feel you can. The more you can tell, the better the advice you get.

I know only too well the shame and guilt you feel about the pain you have caused your H. Remember, that you have to heal yourself too (again a long process), and it is difficult to explain why you took the path you did, when for me, I still don't really understand or know.

Take care and wishing you well from London.
Lisa

Mary,

Just a few questions. How long have you been married to your H? How long was the affair? I presume it was an emotional affair, EA, as well as a physical affair, PA.

If you were still focusing on a 10 year old relationship, do you feel you were focused on your H?

One piece of advice. Don't mention to your H that you KNOW how he feels. For one thing you don't because if you did you probably wouldn't have had the affair or you simply wanted to punish him.

I sense from your tone that punishment was not part of the package here. However, you do need to communicate to him your feelings. Since you seem to be able to express yourself well, based on your limited post, perhaps writing down what you feel, and what you want to do with H might be easier than talking to him.

As others have I would strongly urge you to get two books (there are other goods one out, but I haven't read them). The His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by Harley. Or if your are a fast reader <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> go to Barnes and Noble get a tall coffee and start reading. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In any case, welcome. I am sure you will see and learn things here that will surprise you.

God Bless,

JL

i am constantly asking H how I can show him how sorry I am for what I did. He always answers with 'just love me and be my wife forever , and never do it again'.

Mary as a FWS, I know the first few weeks are the hardest .. in hte beginning you are just going thru the motions... Surviving an affair talks all about it . I just got the book and its very helpful. Both of you have to be honest with each other and figure out what caused this imbalance of love deposits and withdrawls that led to your A with OM, and loss of love and faithfulness to your H.

Good luck!