I haven't even said anything to my WH for a week or so because he just denies, denies, and becomes so defensive. So basically, I told him I knew a few weeks ago, been telling him for months that I suspected it, and he just denied it. I have recorded messages she left him but he does not know this yet becasue I don't want him to change his password becasue I'm trying to catch a message with a time & place for them to meet so that I can bust them, then it sure would be hard to deny. I know in the past 2 weeks he has not seen the OW unless it was for less then 5 minutes. I'm hoping that I scared him. The weird thing is if I didn't snoop I would have no idea anything was going on. He's been great with me and we've been getting along better than ever, people have even comment on it. Obviously, these people don't see me when I'm not with him, worrying where he is. Anyway, I know he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end and I'm pretty sure I can forgive him if he would just confess but he is in complete denial. How do you break that wall down?

onelast,
Your choices as I see them:

1) wait. Likely to be a long one, some spouses never confess.

2) invite him to confess without revealing any evidence.

3) confront with what you've got.

4) get more evidence. He will then know you've been lying in wait for him to screw up and will likely either confess or withdraw. Either way, if the A continues, he'll be more careful, even if he ends it, he will be more careful.

How does he feel about counseling? If he won't go, that's not a postive sign he's likely to end the A. But some people just don't like the thought of it and are resistant no matter what their intentions. If he will go, it would be a good place to reveal what you know.

onelastbreath,

I have not seen your other postings so this may be a redundant question.

Is the OW married?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4) get more evidence. He will then know you've been lying in wait for him to screw up and will likely either confess or withdraw. Either way, if the A continues, he'll be more careful, even if he ends it, he will be more careful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a tough choice, but I believe you have a right to bring some daylight. You just have to be careful how you do it if you want to save the M.

If you do bust him by snooping I would be careful to also make it safe for him to "come to his senses" by not LBing. You have a right to be angry, for sure. It's how you use it that counts.

Take care.

Yes, the OW is married.
My H will be very upset if he found out that I listen to his messages. I still have more reason to be upset at him, and he is the one who gave me reason to start snooping.
I just keep waiting for the right answer on how to handle this. I do want to stay married and I'm pretty sure he does. I don't think OW has any intention of leaving her H either.

How about having a general conversation about building a stronger more intimate marriage without specifically mentioning the suspected A?

Discuss your needs for honesty and openness in the relationship. Ask H for suggestions for ways to improve your M.

Feel him out like this with the most benign and innocent and non-accusitory conversation.

If he becomes defensive during this ... then you have information about how un-likely he is to confess.

Make it a SAFE conversation for your H to participate in.

Do this more than once if you have to.

Pepper

I'm trying to catch a message with a time & place for them to meet so that I can bust them, then it sure would be hard to deny.
Then they will deny, deny, deny. He'll say, "Why are you following me? See why you are paranoid. We didn't plan to meet. I was here and she just happened on by."

I know in the past 2 weeks he has not seen the OW unless it was for less then 5 minutes. I'm hoping that I scared him.
He's probably being MUCh more careful.

He's been great with me and we've been getting along better than ever, people have even comment on it.
More reason for him to say, "you're being paranoid."

Don't try to convince him you know anything. He knows you know and all he has to do is deny.