I have been a reader of MB for a long time but never posted anything. Right now, my situation is in crisis and I need everyone's input. Here is my story:

I was married to my husband for ten years and have two boys.

1. In the middle of 1999 while he was in college for his Ph.D, my H began his affair with a single woman. At that time I was in a bigger city 200 miles away because of job reason. In Sep. 1999, H got his degree and was back with me but affair continued by phone/email.
2. In May, 2000, OW secretly moved to the same city where we live and it became PA.
3. Feb, 2001: H told me the truth.
4. From Feb. to June 2001, H sat on the fence.
5. In June 2001, H was matched to a medical resident program thousand of miles away and he took OW with him. The excuse was she had no job and could not support herself (a student). I stayed in my job because of immigration status. I am not allowed to change/quit job before I get the permanent residency. My H is the beneficiary of my petition of permanent residency.
6. In Oct. 2001, I found MB and started officially planning A on H from distance.
7. In March, 2002, H said he wanted to keep my family together and leave OW behind.
8. H continued to live with OW till end of June, 2002 and transferred to a new program in another city but it is still thousand of miles away from me.
Affair continued after H moved via daily phone/email contact.
9. In August, 2002, we finally got our permanent residency. I am free to move.
10. In Sept. 2002, OW found a job in a city only 70 miles away from H. PA resumed. H said he tried to end this relationship several times but gave up everytime he met resistance from OW.
11. Also in Sept. 2002, H agreed that I and children would move to his city and reunite our family there. He said he would end his affair and give me a normal life.
12. I went to visit H and we rented a house for our planned new home.
13. Before thanksgiving, H came back, rented a truck, and moved all our furnishings to where he lives. We wanted to do the moving before snow time. I am planning to quit my job in Jan. of next year to join H.
14. Children, parents-in-law and I flied to H's city following H's moving truck for holiday. When I first steped into our new home, I realized OW spent a lot of time with H there and did a lot of decoration. H's affair is far away from ending.
15. OW knew our moving plan (she might not know when I was going to quit my job), but she was very quiet and didn't fight with H. She even helped to clean up/decorate the house. What's going on between H and OW bothered me.
16. The night before thanksgiving, H was at work, OW came to house and told me that H gave her permission to enter this house and visit us and this is also her home. She even said H and she agreed to support me and children after I quit job. She planned to have long conversation with me and persuade me to be friends. I forced OW leave, but I didn't sleep all night.
17. H came back next morning. Told H I couldn't deal with OW and he needed to make his decision to get everybody out of this mess. H said he would not let OW come when I was there.
18. I flied back after the Holiday with older son (his school is not over yet). Younger son and parents-in-law stay with H. OW frequently visited our new home after I left.
19. Two days (Dec.5,)after I left, H said he was thinking of transfer. It looks like he wants to leave OW behind.
20. However two days later (Dec. 8, this Sunday), H called me and told me that he was evaluating his feeling to me and it was more like brother to sister than lover. He cares about me a lot but it is not love. He said he was very disappointed at what I said "I can't quit job and move when OW was still deeply involved in his life. I want to take children back to our old home." He just realized that our marriage was damaged beyond repair and he had no feeling to repair it. He hopes I can keep my job and don't move.

Now I am facing an empty house with an empty/desperate heart. I will travel to our new home during Christmas and H and I will have a lot of talk.

Please help me on my situation. I really don't know what to do next. This marriage is more than anything I want.

Well, I am really stunned! I am hoping that someone with more experience can come along soon to help, but I wanted to let you know that someone is here listening.

I also have been married 14 years and have two sons. Our R is still in crisis and we are now sleeping apart in the same house, so I don't know what advice I can give you about how to save this marriage.

I would say that you need to ask yourself if you want to go on allowing yourself to be treated like this. Does your H really think it is possible to have both women living together in the same house?! He sounds like a conflict-avoider in an extreme way. He does not know how to say no to the OW, and he does not know how to tell you the truth. He sounds like he is quite happy living as a bigamist - that is a man who is married to two women at the same time. He is only now just realizing that this little scenario doesn't work.

I am not experienced in plan B, so I am not the one to give advice - but it seems to me that it might be appropriate here.

What do his parents think of all this? And what about your sons? How old are they and what do they know? Also - where is your family and are you in contact with them? Do you have friends you can trust? Have you talked about this with anyone - your family or friends? You need to have people around you to support you - this is not a battle you can fight alone.

Hang in there and keep posting - I am sure that someone will come along soon with better advice than me.

Take care,
LIR

Thanks, LIR. My kids are 6 and 3 years old. They don't know anything until now. They are too young to understand it.
Parents-in-law are very frustrated and sad about their son. They are doing their best to support me. My H doesn't want to listen to anyone.

Wow. It sounds like you are on a terrible roller coaster ride. I am so sorry to hear that.

It seems your WH is only focusing on his own needs right now. It sounds like you have been in Plan A and he is taking complete advantage of you and now has taken all of your belongings as well.

IMHO, you should Plan B and focus on you and the kids.

You will be in my prayers.

Seekingforhope! i would not give up so easily. Number one, as his wife you have rights. And if the other woman came to my house, I'd have her hauled out by the Police! Change locks and take all her decorating and get rid of it. It's your home, so make it your home. YOu can always get another job where your husband is. Tell him you're not quitting so easily or making it easy on him. Did you know in some states you can sue the OW? Also, did H work while in college? If not, then you supported him through his schooling and are now entitled to all your money back! It seems these programs here are about tip toeing around the WS. Time for some tough love and taking your rights. If he still insist on having other woman, he can get a divorce, but he can also pay for the damage done to you. Look into legal aide about suing for alienation of affections against OW! Make their life so tough they'll wish they'd never heard of each other. Maybe I'm wrong. but that's my feelings and my opinion.Others here have more experience so read all the post.God bless and good luck with your life. One other thing, if another woman entered our home, she'd be taken out to hospital when I got through with her. LouLou