I talked to my W last night about buying her out of the house. She was fine with it. All she asked was that we get two appraisals so she's sure she's getting fair market value on her share of the equity. I was surprised by how agreeable she was, but I caught her off guard, so that could change.

sad dad

Call me an eternal optimist, but maybe she saw suddenly a potential future where there are no big & scary changes for her...? like, no divorce, no move, but back to the good ol' family....?

What's your proposed stance once you got the house - let her have a room? kick her out for good? let her have a key? let her even stay? did you talk about it?

It's in her interest to let you do it. First, it's more stable for your daughter. Second, it keeps a door open for her. Should the two of you somehow reconcile, she has the possibility of just walking back into her old life. Same man, same house, same family. A place she's attached to and comfortable in. If you move, she doesn't know what you'll commit to. What neighborhood, what type of dwelling.

So it's really a win-win for everyone right now. Hope she doesn't change her mind. I think if she feels she's getting a fair price from you, she will go along with it. After all, someone will be buying the house, why not you if there's no financial disadvantage?

Good job. I'm also surprised she didn't react adversely. The two appraisal scheme is reasonable and customary. As a point of detail, you might want to specify that you average the two, but if they disagree by more than, say, 5%, you get a third and average the two closest. I'm sure there's a real estate geek around here somewhere who can advise you on this.

WAT

Just a computer geek here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That's wonderful! Maybe she's starting to wake up a little! It doesn't necessarily mean she'll come back to the marriage, but cooperation at this point (and on this subject!!) sounds like a change!! I'm glad to hear it went well!!

nick,

You are the eternal optimist. I'm not even thinking along those lines. We didn't get into specifics. Right now I've got to choose a lender and get the paperwork started. I'll handle the closing date and when she has to be "out" when the time comes. I'll be pretty flexible about that.

espoir,

As I said above, I'm not looking at this as a way of leaving the door open for her. Yes, it is open for her, but I'm doing this because it's in mine and my daughter's best interest.

WAT,

The higher the house is appraised at, the better it is for me because it improves my loan-to-value ratio, which reduces my PMI and may allow me to roll my car loan into the refinancing, which frees up some cash.

h4f,

It went a little too well. I'm waiting for the proverial "fly in the ointment", but maybe that's just the cynic in me.
sad dad

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

W called today to "remind" me that when I go through the exact numbers with a lender, to factor in child support. We haven't discussed CS at all. With a 50/50 joint custody agreement, I don't know how much I would have to pay each month, if anything. I'm already incurring 1/2 the costs of raising our daughter. I have a call into my lawyer to discuss it. I talked to my lawyer once about it along time ago and she said one possibility is that I'd have to pay 20% of the difference in our net salaries, about $250/mth.

sad dad

After talking to about a dozen lenders, I finally got some numbers I can live with. I'm sending in the loan application and other documents tomorrow. I get the strange feeling that my W will use the unsettled child support issue as the "fly in the ointment" that I refered to earlier, and refuse to sign off on the house until CS is settled. One really has nothing to do with the other. Buying the house or selling it outright, CS is still an issue to be settled by the lawyers. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

sad dad

My plans to buy the house appear to be going off without a hitch. My loan application has been approved and closing is tentatively scheduled for 1/27. My lawyer is going to begin drawing up the papers for the quit claim deed. My W is putting a bid on a TH tomorrow not far from our, um, my house. I plan on giving her until 3/1 to be out. Not the ending I hoped for, but better than it could have been. Once the house issue is settled, the rest of the financial issues will get started which won't be fun, but that's a matter for my lawyer. I'm staying out of it as much as possible.

sad dad

Sounds good, SD! I know it's not what you wanted, but if the DV actually goes through it will be good to have a stable, familiar home for your D. Of course I still hope the actual reality of being out in the big bad world and seeing you make a new home out of the one you used to share might possibly shake her up enough to DO something about it...but some people just don't seem to be wired that way. No matter what, I think there are much better days in store for you!!

I just wanted to update all of you. I close on my house on Monday. It will be a relief. I probably won't be moving back there until the late Feb, but it will be good for me to be back in my home and good that my daughter will be able to stay in the only home she's known.

sad dad

Awesome!!! I hope the closing goes smoothly.

sad dad-

That is good news. It sounds like the home has a lot more happy memories for you rather than your W anyway. Hope financing goes well.

We won't be able to discuss finances until we come to some agreement on custody of the kids. That is a ways off yet. Best to you and your daughter!

HoFS

That's great sad dad- one more issue out of the way. Glad it went smoothly.

good stuff, sad dad. how are things with WW? did you think about how you deal with her & house, like do you want to leave her keys, a room where she can stay etc, what will you do with her things? that could be a moment for you to reach out to her and offer your hand (if that's what you want to do at this stage)

Thanks everyone.

Nick,

I don't talk much to my W, by my choice, trying to detach. My W is buying a TH house not far from the house. I will ask her for her keys.

This will be a big change for my W. Throughout this whole ordeal she has been able to stay in her home and had me there sharing the housework, cooking and bills. She has never lived on her own so she will have to be completely self sufficient for the first time. I'd like to be able to help her out if she needs it, but I can't. Neither of us will be able to move on as long as she keeps depending on me like a H.

sad dad

<small>[ January 31, 2003, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Well, I closed on my house today. Everything went well with one small exception. My W refused to sign the quit-claim deed until she gets her check and the title company cannot cut the check for 3 days (it's the law) and w/o a signed quit-claim deed. So we have to go back to the title company on Friday, sign the quit claim deed and they'll give her her check.

Her lawyer told her to do this, but I don't know why. I won't waste time trying to figure it out.

sad dad

When will you move?

Pepper,

By the end of the month. I can't wait. I've been living in my mother's TH since July. She passed away in December, so being there is very eerie.
It never felt like home.

sad dad

Sad Dad-

Not that it matters, but her lawyer was probably giving her good advice. Of course it depends on what state you are in and the laws you may have, but essentially a quit claim deed ends her rights to the home. In other words, her lawyer was just making sure she was able to get her money/proceeds before giving up rights to the home. That is why they are waiting until the end of the recission period (3 day waiting period) to sign the quit claim.

Yes, is all is pretty much a matter of splitting hairs- but probably not horrible legal advice nonetheless.....