My wife is dead set on a D but only to relieve any guilt she feels. Does that make sense to you? To me it sounds like " I need aq divorce so I can continue doing what I'm doing and not feel bad about it".
She wants to fill out paper work together, she doesn't want to do it. Whats up with that?

There she is again, just called to see how I am. Telling me I should go see someone. Saying she is confused about why she did it. If she loved me why did she do it, she needs to be alone to figure herself out.

Should I write the letter and leave Or should I make her leave and see what it will be like on her own?
CD

OK, I preface this with the fact that I have a bias. I got talked(guilt tripped) into leaving, then I found out about the As.

That said, without question, you should stay.

JMHO

Say this to her ... "I also need to understand the meaning behind all of this. I will not run away or hide from problems within our marriage. I intend to grow into a better man from this experience."

good luck

Pepper

CD,

You and your wife are LDS as am I. Getting a divorce is not the way to seek the peace of true repentance. Her guilt will not go away by this. It will only enable her to continue to sin without as much guilt. I assume that you two have not been active in church or I suspect you would have immediately gotten your Bishop involved. Since you are married in the Temple, she would likely be excomunicated from the Church. That may sound very bad, but is a path to total forgiveness as it would allow re-babtism and a total cleansing of her guilt. However, that step requires a great deal of work and willingness to FACE her sin and its consequences.

It appears that she does not want to face the consequences of her actions. You both will not get anywhere at all until she is willing to do so. With her present attitude I see little hope for your relationship to survive this. But, as you have children and want to save your marriage, I would consider the following:

1) Explain how hurtful and damaging a divorce would be for the children. It will NOT solve anything. It won't help her guilt. It won't help your relationship. It will be the hardest thing that she, you, and the kids will go through short of the death of a family member. Divorce is a DEATH. The death of a marriage is in many ways more painfull than the death of a loved one. I know what I am talking about. My mother was married 7 times and my dad twice. My first wife died suddenly. Both of my parents have also died. The divorce was the single most damaging thing in my life. Try to get her to see what she is doing to those kids. Their lives will never be the same.

2) Explain that getting a divorce in order to "test" your resolve to stay with her is a foolish and unacceptable action and that you will not play this stupid game of hers. If she insists on a divorce, then it will be a Temple divorce and the two of you are finished. She appears to be just playing with you and playing a game. "Let's get a civil divorce, keep the Temple marriage in place, I can then be 'free' to screw whomever I want, then we can get back together when I'm through being a 'bad girl'". Don't play her game. Call her bluff. Either she stays and works through all this, or a Temple divorce, devestation to the kids, and you both move on.

3) You need to contact your Bishop and get him involved with this situation. Even if you are not presently active, he can help. He can counsel you and can get you in touch with professional LDS marriage counselors that can help her resolve her guilt and actions and get your marriage back on track. She may get excommunicated as I said, but with the spirit's guidance, that is usually a necessary step for forgiveness and must be done no matter how painful. Her eternal salvation is at stake here, not just your marriage. You know what I'm talking about. Right? Get her to agree to talk to the Bishop about this. This must happen whether or not you get divorced. But he can likely talk her out of this stupid path she is on.

4) Refuse to leave. Refuse to sign the papers. Make her fight for the divorce. But talk to an attorney right away if she insists. Protect your legal rights as much as possible. Document EVERYTHING NOW. Document the date and time of the affair disclosure. Document everything that you know about her actions. You need to take steps to protect yourself ASAP. Do these things without her knowing.

5) Explain to your wife that for the sake of the kids, for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of her welfare, for the sake of yourself, you want to make THIS marriage work and will do what is needed to change and to be a better husband for her. But that you require HER to be willing to stay married, go to counseling, face her sin, give up contact with other men, read the book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness", and move on with live together as a family.

A divorce will be a disaster for your family finances, and a disaster for your kids emotional wellbeing.

Good luck to you Brother.

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Susan's Man ]</small>

She wants to fill out paper work together, she doesn't want to do it. Whats up with that?
It lets her NOT do some of the work and itmakes you agreeable to the divorce. Easier to NOT deal with something than to deal with something painful.

If she wants one, let her do it. Don't challenge her in it. Just tell her you don't want one and won't help her with it.

Telling me I should go see someone.
It's a way of "pawning" you off on someone else. They think it "helps" you and it also eases their consience. After all, if you would go out with someone else, then they (your spouse) really doesn't mean that much to you.

Should I write the letter and leave Or should I make her leave and see what it will be like on her own?
Do not leave. It shows that you are NOT committed to squat. It may also show (the courts) that YOU are the one who left.

CD:

I agree with Pepper, don't give her the answers she expects (to appease her guilt or whatever). Answer her with questions that make her THINK.

Also:

"Should I write the letter and leave Or should I make her leave and see what it will be like on her own?"

Neither. Don't make any of these decisions FOR her. Just keep living your life, doing your best plan A, and let her make her decisions and live with the consequences on her own.

OK, I think I am in another whilwind of confusion.
My parents came to visit this week end and the W Was home and spent time with them and us as a family. After they left she made sure I understood that nothing has changed and she still needed a D. She says she would like to do it and not tell anyone. That way in a few months if we are able to start again nobody knows any different. But if I need to tell everyone it doesn't matter to her, she needs it to relieve the guilt. I really don't care anymore, atleast I keep telling my self that.
What I don't understand is WHY DO I CARE? After everything thst she has done, the lieing, the cheating the secrets and who know what eles she has done, Why do I even want to stay with her?
But she still tries to do things so I don't think she is out playing. For example, today she went to the gym and said she wanted to go to her yoga class later. I told her that was fine, then was honest and told her that I don't trust her. That I was unsure that she was going to the class or somewhere else. She gave me the "thats why we have to divorce" spill then said fine I will not go, "I will stay here and wait for you to get oout of church and be here when you get home". Not the understanding respone I would like , but she didn't go. Now is that because she wasn't really going in the first place or because I didn't trust her?
Looks like she will probably go get paper work tomorrow. I told her that its what she wanted not me, but I wasn't going to stop her. I am beginning to think its my only option.
Just don't know any more.
CD

This is just my opinion but it really sounds like your wife is mentally ill and will continually emotionally abuse you. Her request and the reasons for it are absurd. I think even now you are realizing you deserve better and she is a person who uses convoluted logic to justify her actions. It sounds like she wants to go out and play with other for six months and have you to fall back on if things don't work out for her. It just seems like you are being played over and over again. You deserve better than to be used and abused this way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says she would like to do it and not tell anyone. That way in a few months if we are able to start again nobody knows any different. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk about that a little more. What do you think she means by that?

HI CD
Are you still deployed? I guess you are home now right.

Well I can't agree more with what PEPPERBRAND said.

I also need to understand the meaning behind all of this. I will not run away or hide from problems within our marriage. I intend to grow into a better man from this experience."

That is excellent advice. I also agree you wife has some serious emotional issues going on and she needs help. All this playing mind games with you MUST STOP.

I hope you can both get into some counseling or something. Its really crazy to be telling you to go elsewhere and that she wants a D because of what she did. That is a COP OUT.

Please take care of yourself. You rate to be treated BETTER than this. Either she wants to work this out or she wants a D. Whatever the case, she can't keep telling you one thing and doing another. Its crazy!

Keep us posted
Zoey

<small>[ December 15, 2002, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

She says she would like to do it and not tell anyone.
Of course. Then she wouldn't have to feel with any of the fallout. Besides, then she could feel much less guilt because you agreed to the divorce too.

That way in a few months if we are able to start again nobody knows any different.
You both would know.

Looks like she will probably go get paper work tomorrow.
Don't hold your breath.

I told her that its what she wanted not me, but I wasn't going to stop her. I am beginning to think its my only option.
Pretty much as far as what SHE is going to do. You could lock her in a closet, but she might resent that and it may get you arrested as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Right now you need to read up on all the MB principles and learn Plan A inside & out.

That one is easy. She just wants *you* to be a co-driver of the divorce - which you rightly refuse to be. That way, it would be easy for her to claim that it was "mutually agreed", that "you didnt fit together anyway" bla bla bla.
Wrong way!
Just carry on as planned. If she really wants the divorce - a) she should do all the paperwork, you stall to the max b) of course, everybody should know about it.

CD,

Your wife and I could be the same person. I used thise words almost verbatum on XBF. Truthfully, she is VERY confused and anything you tell her is being heard, but she is burying it because she doesn't want to face "reality".

Give her time and space, but DO NOT LEAVE if you really want to save this! I FEEL VERY strongly that you can get there if you are patient, supportive, and want it badly enough.

It sounds to me like your W wants a D to ease her guilt and take the quick way 'out' as she sees it. My H was the same way after I found out about his A. He would keep bringing up divorce even though I insisted it would be bad for our kids, our problems weren't unresolvable etc. I would state my case over and over and yet he would still insist he wanted a D. I finally learned to tell him that I would not discuss it further when he brought it up- that I was against it morally and spiritually and that if he insisted on it he would have to do ALL the steps involved in it AND tell our 3 kids about it himself. My H was getting heavy pressure from OW to divorce me and was looking at apts on his lunch hrs and did file on me. However when I received the papers I called him home and spent 2 hrs telling him how opposed I am to divorce AGAIN and something in him finally snapped that afternoon and he realized that a divorce was not what he truly wanted. Sometimes a marriage has to go all the way to the edge before the WS sees what they are really DOING! take care and don't make it easy for your wife if you don't agree with D-lifeismessy

I agree that she needs help. I think she needs to get help for herself before I could even hope of fixing our marriage. It is all coming clear to me as to what I have dealt with in the past. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough for her. If I didn't go to school or study for promotion it was because I didn't care about her enough to do better. And yet with all the belittlement and put-downs I am always too eager to help her out in what ever she needs done. Sure I get a thank you, but I don't think she has ever shown me real appreciation. Maybe I am just feeling taken for granted right now, I don't know.

So I have mixed feelings here. One side says I need to tell everyone so she can not hide behind anything and face what is going on. The other side feels she is sincere when she says she needs A D to start new and begin again. I guess if she wants to start again, she can still can even if everyone knows. Do I tell everyone what she has done or is that just being mean? I told her I didn't want to return to the marriage we had. I said we needed to work on alot of things.

I know she wants me to agree to the D, she already told her sister I wanted a D as well. Her sister knows I don't want it because she asked me before if I did. That is something she will have to do on her own. However, I thought of making a deal with her. If she gets professional help I will sign anything after she has had 3 sessions. I don't know if that is a good idea or not, but I am worried about her.

I guess I will find out if she gets the paper work today. If we both agree it can be over in just two weeks, if not it will take 3 months. Either way, I don't have to agree she can just file and wait.
CD

CD,
Make your actions fit with your words. If you are saying to W and other relitives that you don't want D, then stall. You can't sort your feelings out and do what is correct after being home a few days or weeks. The time to know what to do will be measured in months, with lots of thought.

It may help to just ask her to sit down and say " Look, lets give this a few months before we do anything, I'm afraid a D will be a horrible mistake that we will both regret."

Your largest problem right now seems to be that you live with her and all she says is "I want to D you, this won't work." You are hearing it over and over and it affects your thinking. Lets say in a few months you feel she is right and that D it the way to go. It won't have hurt to have stalled a few months. If you go ahead and do it now, without time and thought, you may regret it forever.

You may find it easier to stall by not being direct. When she says she wants a D right not, just say something vague like "Well, I don't know, I need time to think about things. All this is so hard on me, I need time." Then just beat around the bush so as to not confront her. You can experment - you probably already have.

Please try to continue to be nice to her, it will be much easier for her to want to stay if you are nice to her. Organize your thoughts and your time and do what you plan to do each day no matter how she reacts. She may test you to see if your resoulve to help her is for real. No matter if you stay or go in the end, she still needs help, and you can give it RIGHT NOW. Remember who you are trying to be like, and try to do what he would do, it makes your decisions a little easier.

SS

CD: Before reading the other responses to you, I wanted to comment on this:

"I told her that was fine, then was honest and told her that I don't trust her. That I was unsure that she was going to the class or somewhere else. She gave me the "thats why we have to divorce" spill then said fine I will not go, "I will stay here and wait for you to get oout of church and be here when you get home". Not the understanding respone I would like , but she didn't go. Now is that because she wasn't really going in the first place or because I didn't trust her? "

Look, I think that she didn't go because she loves you. Now, it's certainly honest of you to tell her that you don't trust her, but think about this: Is there any doubt about this? If not, why rub it in? Why not show her, instead, that you can envision a time when you CAN trust her. Also, try being more honest about how you feel, not about how you want to punish her. It's certainly reasonable to want her to face the consequences of her decision to have an A, but try to think of ways to not give in to her apparent desire for a speedy DV that don't "attack" her in the process.

I disagree with Bryanp. Your W actually sounds like a wonderful person that's in a heap of a mess right now. Not mentally ill by any means (other than the fact that the aliens have the pink slip to her higher brain functions at the moment).

CD, I've been following your posts for a while now (in a former life of mine on this board), and I believe that you've got a lot to be hopeful for. Sure, if she wants a DV, let her file, stall if you want to, and be as loving as you can. Don't let her go without a fond memory of a loving CD to take with her (and lure her inextricably home again!).

All my best,