Hi everyone,
Thanks to all that have posted last night and today. Your words have encouraged me more than you will ever know. I think it helps to know we aren't alone here. My question now is how much of what I'm feeling should I tell my WH? He has called me off and on all day inquiring as to his sensing of my "bad mood" : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I told him we would talk tonight. Should I just tell him that his actions have made me a total raving lunatic, unable to have even the slightest bit of control over my emotions and that lately most mornings come and I am disappointed I wake up, that I now fantasize about dying like others fantasize about trips to the bahamas? I am on the fence about reconciliation and I'm afraid of too much information to him will push him back to OW who helped him escape all his responsibilities etc. Why would he want a headcase back? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Opinions. By the way, coping better today due I think to new scrip for Xanax.

bonbon,
what antidepressant are you on? I thought my world was coming apart also, my doc changed me from zoloft to something new, i will look it up for you. Also, he gave me a mild anxiety med to take once or twice a day incase i need it, it has made all the diff. in the world. Let me know and i will look up the name for you.
KK

Hi SWTBONBON,

Hang in there. We all know the pain you are feeling. And what you are feeling is normal. Yes, everything seems to be in the way. Eventually, things will start to settle down. I don't know about Anti D's. By the time I realized I should get a prescription, I started getting things under control within myself, I didn't need them.

Hang in there for yourself and your D. She really needs you, you need you. We need you. We are here for you. It helps to talk to somoneone.

It does get better. Eventually. Sometimes it comes back to haunt you, when it does, it is easier to pull yourself back together.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Swtbonbon, I validate your feelings. i've been there! Do not wait for days, but call and tell office you have an emergency to talk to the doctor. Don't take no for an answer and if needed, walk into his office.And once you have a psychologist or psychiatrist, they have to return your calls. They are responsible if anything happens to you and they didnt' answer a call back!And yes, you can get to emergency room. Make you H come home and take you and take care of daughter. Listen, I was in counseling for 5 yrs, suicidal and so depressed the pain actually became physical. it took trying the 4th medication to find one that worked for me. First was paxil, then zoloft,then prozac, and the one that worked well is Effexor XR! It is possible for the wrong med to even make you worse. Prozac did that to me.Wellbutrin made me very ill physically. So not all can take the same med and get the same results. But with right medication, you will start to feel better. And if need be, you can go directly to hospital and tell them your thoughts. You will be held in a psych ward. I was, but it was not a looney bin, but more like hospital and counseling during day, my counselor also came everyday. They will assign you one also. I was there 72 hours. But it helped to just get help and not have to take on the daily responsibilities for that time.
I want to promise you one thing here. YOU will get better! Though at times I felt like I would be better off dead, nobody is worth it! And your baby needs you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As for whether H is still in A. Get yourself better first. Get angry then and do the snooping to find out. He has a responsibility to help you through this also.It's not about us just struggling through the pain alone. And he does need joint counseling. They an do joint and separate on different appts. I'd start seeking a new counselor if this one says no joint yet. That is where the counseling is supposed to help bring out the lies and truth. They're supposed to be doing a job with that. Not just listening to us talk then send us home. They're supposed to be trained to assess people, body language, eyes, facial expressions that help them determine lies and truth. I had to seek through several to find a decent one.
Hang in there please. I'm here if you need me.(winningdove@aol.com) I know the depth of pain, but it will get better. NOT maybe, but WILL.God bless, LouLou

Can I suggest that if 10 docs won't take you for this SERIOUS issue..Please get someone to watch the kids and go to the Emergency Room. They will help you!

Im very concerned. You really need to go to the ER. You don't have the energy to be calling all these medical offices and being turned down. You need help. Go to the nearest emergency room and please let us know how you are doing.

I know you are in pain. Its very early in the process. We are all here for you. Please let me know how you are and get to the ER.

If I knew where you lived. I'd find you a doctor. This is crazy that you reach out for help and no one is taking new patients. This is URGENT.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Zoey

hi everyone,
I have counseling appt. with psychologist at 10 this morning. I will come clean about how where I am. I haven't seen himfor 3 weeks because of holidays, ice storm etc. so I think he will be surprised at my slide into oblivion. I will ask him to help me find someone. At this point I will go see someone my insurance doesn't cover and figure out how to pay later. I'm scared about these feelings. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
It took much courage but I told my WH about how far gone I felt. He was very supportive and held me tight and repeated over and over that he loved me and he was so sorry. at this point though I am still so hung up on the A, that I don't know how to believe him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is possible for the wrong med to even make you worse. Prozac did that to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">About the meds, I am taking LEXIPRO. I think it is similar to prozac. I wonder if that could be what is contributing to my feelings. I felt horrible in the beginning of course, but then I felt stonger. Now after 6 weeks of Lexipro, I get into such states of prolonged sobbing, that I throw up, etc. Also, I have reverted back to something I swore I would never do, Binging and Purging. I feel so messed up right now.

Thanks for listening, you are helping me hang on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Realize this:

You don't really want to die!!!!

Say these things OUT LOUD so you can hear yourself:

I want THE PAIN to die!

My pain will not last forever .

I will get better.

I will feel whole again.

I will become stronger from this pain.

I will show my daughter how a woman can overcome serious problems and continue living a good life.

These are affirmations ... put these words inside your brain and repeat them over and over.

Pepper

Swtbonbon, you definitely need a different med! Now. And they can give you anxiety meds to help until the anti depressants have time to kick in. Don't you dare give up! We need you here as much as you need us! I promise you I've been there. Still have some problems but I finally got past the point of the deepest hell of depression. It gets better with treatment and with support from your H. One thing I've been told over and over. If H didn't want to be here, or your H didnt' want to be there, they wouldn't be! Believe him if he says he loves you. It's hard to stop the images playing in the head, but it can be done. With doing all the positive playbacks in your head, prayer Definitely! and treatment. Everytime a negative image comes, or thought, please rebuke it in the name of Jesus. I had so much pain and bad dreams. I prayed for God just to give me relief while I slept and take the bad dreams away. I finally got to where I didn't have them but every few months and that was only when I allowed something negative to enter and prey on my mind that day. Do not keep purging and binging. I became anorexic, not because I tried, but from the effects of the depression. It finally let to a collasped artery in my heart, a heart attack. And Thank God I was taken to good hospital where they were able to insert a stent in the artery and save my life. Even in the pain, know that not another human being is worth your taking your life. Why give somebody that pleasure. I had to work my mind that I would not allow H or OW that freedom and benefit. I was determined to stay and not make it easy. LOL It worked. We're rebuilding our Marriage and I know without a doubt he loves me because he endured the hell with me of depression. I wasn't a pretty person to be around at that time. I could spew hatred and venom all over the place. I actually felt murder in me. It's the irrational thinking and behavior of depression. Glad you're getting help and don't become discouraged if it takes a long while. It's baby steps. Little by little, you start to come around again. Hang on and keep faith. God bless, LouLou

Just got back from counseling, he was surprised at my recent decline. He advised me to increase med dose and look for doctor to give me something else.
LL- Have you ever heard the song "it's a thin line between love and hate?" I too have felt this way.
I don't know if I like my IC. I have trouble opening up and I often sit in silence there. It's not like I don't want to talk, but I don't know what to say. For others of you who are in C, does your therapist sort of lead or guide you or tell you things to help you? Today for instance, I was so ashamed of how I felt that I just sat there for a long time and he let me. Then finally he said, "well don't stop talking, thats what you are here for" I said "I don't know how to begin. etc etc" then finally I just blurted it all out. Then he just says I don't think you really want to end it. Your just having the normal feelings of someone with biochemical disturbance and depression. I don't think there is anything "normal" about how I have been feeling. Is this guy one of the "bad ones"?

On the positive side, my H has called me to check on me several times and for the first time since D-Day I was actually happy to hear from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He even tried on his own to look up doctors for me.

Im not sure about this guy you saw
Yes some of this is due to depression but that was brought on by the A and other issues.

Please find another doctor. Please keep calling and stress the urgency of this. Tell them you can't maybe pay the fee all at once will they let you make 1/2 payment and 1/2 in a few weeks. I know there is someone that can help you. Please email me at ZACHANDZOEY@yahoo.com

Tell me where you are from if you are okay with that and I can maybe help find someone for you. It bothers me that someone is in need of dire help, reaching out and being treated like just another person feeling blue

swtbonbon-

If you're having doubts about your C, start looking for someone else. I had a couple of duds before I found someone I liked. Just look around and try to get referrals if possible. I personally think that it's important for you to atleast be comfortable with the person regardless of whether you agree with his/her advice. Hang in there and remember that things WILL get better for you. We're praying for you and your family!

-G

Hi everyone,
My sister is coming from wilmington to spend the weekend with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think it will help for me not to be alone this weekend.(H's weekend to keep D) I spent a long time on the phone with my ob-gyn's nurse today (he is the person who originally gave me Lexipro)She talked to me about my counselor and she advised me to do the same as all you guys. She thinks that he is not really helping me. So I am going to search out someone new. Also, nurse is consulting doctor about drug I am taking to see if I should adjust it while waiting to see psychiatrist.
To all my new friends here at MB Thank you, Thank you, THank you for all who have replied. Coming here is definetly helping me with all these feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just wanted to say, I have been in the same place that you are in, and it's 1 year later and things are so much better. Last year I was lying in my bed, thinking about death and sobbing multiple times a day. My WH had recommitted to me but my soul was shattered. I started on antideps, first one didn't work, second one I had to increase the dose twice. Finally got on the right dose. When the anti D works you won't be sobbing multiple times a day, or thinking of suicide. You will just feel calmer.

You must find the right C. I interviewed 4, picked 1, then ended up trying a 5th guy for EMDR. He turned out to be the best IC I've ever had. He cares about me and he keeps me focused.

Likewise for MC. Our first guy was a complete charlatan. He was terrible. Our second was very good. We went while my WS was still carrying on the A. Likewise our MC said I can't work with you while one partner is involved with a third person.
But we kept going to "work out the details of the separation". In that time, the MC challenged my WS alot and got him thinking.

swtbonbon

How are you doing? If your sister comes in for the weekend, talk to her, tell her everything you are feeling, I promise you talking to her will make you feel better.

I hope you are feeling better.

OH WONDERFUL!

So happy to know your sister will be with you. Please let us know how you are doing. Praying for you.
Hang in there sweetie..

Zoey

You're doing so good SwtBonBon. Reaching out for help from others is a sign of strength. So is knowing when it's time to take anti-deps to help you thru the bad stuff.

Keep posting and leaning on us. So many of us have been where you are at. We really do understand what you're going thru.

Lv,
Jo

Hi swtbonbon,

I just wanted to let you know that I know someone who is taking Lexipro. The time of day that you take it can also effect how you feel. He was taking it in the mornings and felt horrible. He was shaky and wanted to sleep all the time. He started taking it at night and is doing much better. He sleeps better and his emotions are more balanced. Lexipro is supposed to be a very good new drug. There aren't supposed to be many side effects and no drug interactions. It also works the same as Prozac.

Good luck to you,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Swtbonbon,

I hope things are better today

Hi Everyone,
Just saw my sister off. It was nice to have someone here with me in the house this weekend. I feel a little better today, but had major panic attack at family Christmas gathering yesterday. As I sat there with everyone, I realized I was the only single in a room of doubles. My sis, and brother both have new babies (something that I wished for so badly this year)and I felt "it" coming on. I had to get out of the house. It was like I was on fire. I jumped up and my mom looked at me and asked if I was okay. I mumbled something about needing tampons and left for the store. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just couldn't take it any longer. My heart was racing and I was sweating. Ireally wanted a bottle of wine but guess what? the town they live in is "dry" didn't have wine at the supermarket. Anyway, drove around for about an hour crying. Went to drugstore for makeup to fix my face then went home. No one mentioned that I looked upset. I dont think anyone knows what to say. I see now why people always say holidays are so hard. This used to be such a special time for us. We always spent a lot of time together around Christmas. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
On another note, it just goes to show how differently these anti-D's affect people. I was taking Lexipro at night. It made me so I couldn't sleep a wink. 3 nights, only 6 hours total. I stopped taking it until doc could give me something to sleep and immediately started taking it in the morning instead. I still have trouble sleeping when I take it in the morning, although not as bad.

swtbonbon,

It will get better. Yesterday I went to a friend's Xmas party and it was the first time I've gone without my W and son. As soon as I got in, my friends' daughter immediately asked me where my S was. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> That was tough. Unlike you, I wasn't the only single one there but still I felt awkward. In spite of this, I put on my best face, played quite a bit with the kids (they loved it and it made me feel better), missed my son, ate too much and had fun. So, it does get better.

Be well.

<small>[ December 15, 2002, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>