Hi guys,
Does anyone have any advice on how to break this cycle of obsessing about A? Everything seems to trigger me. I just want to feel better, yet everytime I start to feel just a little better, something happens. I never realized how much our daily lives are inundated with A related material. Songs, tv shows, books, etc. Last night I tried to have nice "date" night with H, but had to fill out paperwork for a healthcare class I am taking. Had to fill out full medical questionaire. Question # 39, Ever tested positive for STD? Well, as you can imagine, Sent me over the edge since H did give me STD and that was how I found out about A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Rest of the night ruined for me. I hid it well. I am trying to implement Dr. Harley's methods, so I didn't want to LB. But the truth is , I did want to LB. I wanted to scream at H for causing me such pain. I want him to suffer!!!! It is so hard to be nice to him when I am in a place where everyday feels like a war with myself. My C hasn't given me any advice on how to deal with obsessing. I know everyone processes things at different rates, but what is average time frame for things to get better?

One day at a time.

My triggers are not as frequent as they go away with time, but the only way you can survive them is one day at a time. Whenever you find yourself obsessing about the A think that it will pass, that tomorrow you will feel a tiny bit better than the day before. Before you know it those tiny bits add it to a noticeable difference. So, I guess the key is patience. I don't know if you are a religious person or not but my faith in God has helped me tremendously.

Now, I will not lie to you, my W is not back and the A is going strong. The A and my M consumes most of my time, except perhaps when I am at work. But I am thinking more clearly now and most of my thoughts are about what is going to happen next and how to protect my S from my W's fog.

Be patient, be well.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Swtbonbon, a thing my IC got me to do with regards to triggers was to make a list.

So I made a list of things that started me off obsessing, or things that particularly hurt. That list got quite long in the early days. But then as time went on over the next few weeks it stopped being written to.

Then I was told to look at that list and review it. Everything I could change (like say material goods or rooms etc) I was to change a bit or get rid of. This was a process of "reclaiming" or "remaking" them such that they were altered from the A circumstances.

There were many things that could not be changed and these I have had to grin and bear. But each time I did the power of them, the pain of them was reduced. In time I began to cross off those items that did not hurt me anymore and now some 3 months after A#2 these are all but gone.

Time and Patience yes, but also some practical help may assist. Why not turn the issue around? Its ok to be hurt so say "I am obsessing, how can I face this trigger and deal with it in order to diminish its power so that I obsess less next time around".

Neil.

Neil -
Thank you so much for this advice - it will definitely help me, too. My problem is photo albums. I look at them and wonder - "Was it going on then, were we happy", etc. I talked with my husband this weekend and he is unwilling to give me any details or tell me anything about the A because of guilt. I wonder how to overcome this?

Thanks for the idea. I'm starting my list now.
DB

THanks for the advice. I will start a list today. Do you keep that list only for yourself or do you share it with your WS? At this point I will try anything because I cann't live like this all the time.
Still waiting to hear from the Doctors about the meds. Hopefully I will hear something soon.
I have one other question re. FOG. Is it really possible for the WS not to have period of this? My H had EA with OW before it became PA. Yet he doesn't express any signs of "FOG". Is he repressing or just lying to me or to himself about his feelings? Obviously I don't trust him when he says he doesn't think about her, No contact etc. I wonder if the fact she gave him STD influences this process at all. After he moved out, after one week he wanted to come home and has maintained that ever since. He indicates that he has no desire to hear from OW. I worry that he is either still in contact, therefore no fog, or that he will eventually have to deal with feelings he is suppressing and end up rekindling the A. Any thoughts out there? BTW, I am now officially addicted to this site. All of you are what is helping me make it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BonBon:
I can look back and see where maybe my H was in "fog" before DDAY but after DDAY there was little if any fog. This worries me at times, too. However, when I am with him I don't worry because things are great. It's only when I'm not with him (work) that I start thinking about this and wonder.....
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by swtbonbon:
<strong>THanks for the advice. I will start a list today. Do you keep that list only for yourself or do you share it with your WS?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I kept the list for myself. My W was not strong enough to deal with such a list. In fact I kept a journal on a near daily basis because I was unable to discuss my issues with my W. I also discussed the content with my IC. My Trigger list was in the back of the journal. Three months ago I laid that book to rest. There is enough in there to write a book!

Neil.

DB,
That might be it. My H walked around our house in a funk for about 2-3 weeks before he left. Wouldn't talk, ignored me like I wasn't there. Jumped my case for no reason when he did choose to speak to me. Our conversations had dwindled to "What did you cook me for dinner?" Maybe that was his fog.
Boy, this list is taking up considerable space in journal. Maybe I ought to have auxillary journal just for triggers. Heigh ho silver!