There are slow little baby steps happening... SLOW, slow, slow, and they leave me wondering ... Will things ever change?

Well i Know they will... we will either make it through this, or divorce eventually. He says he wants to work it out.

My dad sd to me the other day or course he will come home eventually, when he can't pay the rent.... now that hurt....

Oh well, I want a better marriage, and know it is possible.

Please pray. Suggestions on outliving this waiting? Success in waiting? I guess move on while trying the best I can.

For now counselor is seeing us once a week, which is a miracle... there is slow improvement and we are to spend some time together each week... child support has been filed, and he is somewhat mad about that too now... but PLEEESE... get real on that one... it is unfair to leave me here paying for everything...

UGH.

Am I nuts to want my family to stay together and to survive this?

J got mad at me over the 'contract' on no drinking and driving and how firmly I wrote it.... I am praying for safety when he drives with the kids and his honoring his promise... I know a written agreement is no promise it won't happen, but just hope it will make it more serious.. and give me his written word on that promise.... So anyway, he was mad.. and sd he was going to give me grace on this... since htat is what the counselor advised .. that we both offer more grace and forgiveness and quit picking at one another... me at him for the A's , etc. lack of finacial support, etc. and him at me for everything in the world he can come up with.

I look forward to words of support hopefully... or advice... I am feeling weak as I WAIT, I hate it. I want this fixed and NOW. tired of waiting, and getting back into taking care of me slowly, I know that is where my focus needs to be.

Hugs, H

Hey Girl - sorry I didnt' call last night...the little guy was bouncing off the walls ALL night long - woke up every 1/2 hour <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'll try to give you a call tomorrow....

Regards,

BB

No biggie BB- I know I have 2 l' guys here, but a bit easier to handle than a baby I am sure.... except when they argue or worse ... fight!! ugh, we try not to do that.... they take their own bath together most of the time and that helps a lot! They also play with each other too, which helps...

Trying to make myself do some yoga while I watch a lifetime movie, and focus more on the diet. My weight has me down, as usual this yr. I have to dump this weight.... The zone , right?

I have done it with both kids, down to size 4, this time I am feeling like I am having the worst experience with losing wt in the world!!! I know it will come off! Focus on me, right? Plan a on me, right?

Thanks for the post bb!

Honey

Honey,

In answer to your question, that's part of what Plan A is for.....to give you something to DO while you "wait"!

In focusing your attention and energy in fixing YOU, you don't have a lot of time or energy to keep worrying about or looking at what else is still wrong w/WH.

The double bonus is that while you are waiting in a productive manner, you're also becoming a better mate yourself! I don't think any of us ever "arrive" totally, so there's always something to work on.

This feeling weak, growing weary, etc. is part of the roller-coaster ride we're all on. Hang in there, girlfriend!

(And spending lots of time praying ain't a bad idea, either!)

God Bless,

Interesting how most of us if not all of us feel as you do. I thought I was a patient person until this happened to me.

What has been working for me is an advice my W gave me shortly after d-day. Whenever I feel despair and lack of patience, I recognize and accept what I am feeling. I tell myself feeling this is normal and it will pass, just wait it out. I try to distract myself, I pray to God to help me and the feeling does not last long. Of course, I will not lie to you, sometimes what I feel is so strong even this does not help, but you know what? My W was right, it DOES pass.

Hang in there. Sometimes I, too, think I am crazy for doing all this. I think you have read my posts as well and know how desperate I am to have all this end.

Be well.

Thanks Lupo and UC- will ck on both of your stories to see where you are these days...

Yes, I am working on me... I just did 2 yoga poses/ exercises and had an orange... gee, I feel better already.. ready for a few more! I have my water bottle handy.... too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now, with ws around... I was usually a work in progress.. until he left... 2 whole yrs prior I had been ms. zombie pilled out on pain pills.. who wouldn't want to go??? or cheat???? This is so much part of it I hate it, and I have had lots of truoble pulling myself back into life.. since he left... with 2 kids and a fulltime job.. gee- there is not a lot of time...

So anyway, back to the positives- am working on me... exercise and diet is very important for my well being, so this is a focus. I am getting more focused at work which is awesome... I had such trouble for sooo long, and I am feeling less nuts and desperately upset over this...

Yes when I get busy it does pass.

UC- THANKS FOR THE INfO- on remembering that your feelings will pass.. in alanon we say.. this too shall pass. Thanks for reminding me. We also say, I can start this day over anytime - I love that one too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !

I do have more and more tools and strength as days go on.. but I get sooooo upset sometimes and I just want to call him and say... please come home.... why don't ya? Don't ya know I love you??????

There is hope, and I am thankful. If I hadn't been so in love with him once.. and I still am... although his behaviors do make it difficult.... to keep loving with the same intensity , as does the drinking, of course....

I love who he is, not the drinking and who it is making him.

Thanks for being here. I needed to hear some reminders that it will pass= those desperate feelings do go away... and when I don't call... :0--- those are the times that he calls me..

thanks for being here... I just have issues not being too needy... because I don't want anyone else... and I want some company around here.. I don't want to be alone, and I want a male companion, and it needs to be him....

thanks, H

Are people so much alike???

Honey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do have more and more tools and strength as days go on.. but I get sooooo upset sometimes and I just want to call him and say... please come home.... why don't ya? Don't ya know I love you?????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are days I want to talk to my W so bad because I'm feeling so down and feel like telling her, "OK, the nightmare is over can you come home now, I'm so excited to put into practice what I've learned so we can have a better M".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and I want some company around here.. I don't want to be alone, and I want a male companion, and it needs to be him.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, in my case the company I want is of the female kind but it needs to be HER. I can't stand it.

When I read what you are feeling is like WOW, it is the same thing I'm feeling.

Keep strong.

Thanks UC,

Glad to know I am not alone in these feelings. I keep thinking it, and I am changing.... drawback is, I still do call and invite or ask him to do stuff... counselor is wanting us to do stuff.. but I need to let wh take the lead on the planning and stuff like that... quite reminding him of stuff... or finding a reasson to call him... in my mind.. he is still my h.. in his , who even knows anymore????

Tonight I enjoyed my 4 and 10 yr old boys.. thank goodness I am finally getting out of a depression more and more and can just enjoy them. I love them.

As some posters say in the beginnings of this it is hard to be an available parent.... thank good ness I am more available these days.. just have to work too many hours for my idea of being a mom... I hope that will change.

I also HATE the times my kids are gone visiting dad, but am learning to enjoy the rest time I do get, or the time I have to focus on some Mom adult kinds of fun- even if it is gardening, reading or simple things like that.... I used to enjoy with wh here .... WHY oh WHY? Yes, I wasnt the perfect wife, but he was not the perfect H either.. cheating is never the answer.

I believe in working things out, obviously..... Prayers that there is hope. Even if it doesn't work out and we never reconcile, I wll be ok. I am working to be a better and better me and a greater and greater mom.

Thanks for being here.

H

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>