OK, Finally after a year (D DAY Dec 19,2001) I have someone to talk? to....

Its real tuff keeping this stuff inside. Anyway, My wife of 17 years has a job in the same Fed agencey I do. She takes a 7 year break to raise our son, and is offerred an absolutely great job with the same agencey. Only this time she gets to telecommute from our living room and travels 2-3 weeks a month. This led to her having an affair with one of her contractors. I eventually discovered it because some things were just not right (and you all know what I mean...been there done that...ALL of you it sounds like...Do we get "T" shirts for this?) Anyway, we agreed quiting the job is not an option at this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So right now , as we speak, they are together, and as usual I am going nuts. Everything I have read states she needs to never ever have contact with this guy again. But what is the course of action or agreement, expectations, etc., if they must still work together. It is not so much as I do not trust her as it is I do not trust him. At this time, we do have some time set aside when she returns so I can tell her that I still need some emotional reassurance when she is on the road that the work is only professional. But I have problems still with her wanting to be friends with this jerk, and they, (there is always a group) still go out to eat, etc. I wonder if there is not still some emotional need she gets from him? So, any thoughts for those who have cheating spouses still working with the other person?

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:54 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Dear Fun:
Would it be possible for you to go with her on these trips? Maybe just once to see what it's like? Or at least when she's going to be visiting this contractor? Is she gone on the weekends?

Has she told him that the A is over and she is trying to work on M with you? Is he married?

My H was also having A with coworker but at a different branch in a different town.

fun
I have the same problem. H still works with OW. I have a very difficult time with this. H say's not to worry i can trust him. Well i did 100% and look where it got me. I will never give blind faith again. Still finding out details of this whole mess. and the lies regarding her he led me to believe they didn't work together for over 6 months so yeah it's rough. I don't know what goes on there during the day at this point in time i just have to go with the assumption that it's over. What can we do. I can say if there is any way possible for her to move jobs (DO IT) no matter how hard i try i know this is holding back our recovery. I would rather live with less and would give anything if he didn't have to be there and she is definately not going anywhere. I have ask him for NC with her and if it is absolutely necessary for work that i wanted to know doesn't matter how small. He has yet to tell me of one time they have spoke and i know they must at some point this doesn't help. So no advice really but be very alert and NC for lunch which is how it starts no small talk these are a must and then it is still going to take longer to recover than if they never layed eyes on them again. I truely believe this.....My heart goes out as i know the pain this brings

Thanks folks:

It's good to know that others know what I am talking about because I know my wife as not figured this out yet.I keep thinking what I would do and how I would react if the table was turned and I just do not end up with the responses I would hope to get...This may be a girl/guy differance. Anyway, Baby, thanks I have alist of boundries written out for her to read on her trip next week. Fortuanetly he is not on that trip. I am asking her to tell him now that the party is going to be permannetly over and that its time to clean up the mess. I really want this zero conatct for life..out of principle. I know you all can relate. I guess what bothers me is I found out a while back (yes Dazed he is married) that his wife is from a town about 40 miles from were both we and they plan to retire in about 5-6 years...How's that for luck. thats why I want to get on with the none contact now. Dazed, I could go on these trips. Even with him around. But I know the nature of her work would have me hanging out until work was done and besides, he still there. It will happen some day I am sure as we work for too small of an agencey for it not to. I guess what has bothered me is this guy has never had the balls, I mean courage, to ever call me and say, hey, thanks for not sqealing to his wife.Of course,I have plenty of documentation for her should things ever happenagain and it will go out federal express to his wife and they both know this. And Carolyn, you said it all in your second to the last line. It takes longer to recover given the circumstances.

So OM wife doesn't know? What about exposing that? I'm neither for or against that. I think you have to decide. There have been tons of posts about that the last few weeks debating the topic. One position I think you have to think of is that the W should have the right to make the same decisions you are making regarding staying in her M or not. No one is being fair to her by hiding it. Also, there is the whole STD issue. Anyway, that's food for thought for ya.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It's available for purchase on this website in the Bookstore section. I have read it and am now wondering about reading Torn Asunder... that's another thread.

Fun --

Quitting the job is the ONLY option!

Do you want to save this thing? How much is your marriage worth? If her salary is the issue, then I suggest a reprioritization of values; your life, marriage, and family are at stake.

Set all the boundaries you want--proximity is the key. In these situations, temptation is fed and encouraged by "The Nearness of You."

You said it yourself: "I really want this zero contact for life, out of principle." How can you best arrange that?

I'm sorry about this mess in your life, but I just don't understand advice which places the value of the job over the value of the relationship. You can't afford NOT to have her quit.

Ammon

in my opinion, for what it's worth, i think it's imperative to tell his wife. the old adage do unto others as you would have done to you springs to mind here. i mean, wouldn't you have liked to be told before you found out? she has the right to know, to make a decision as to wether she wants to stay in her marriage with all the facts. not only that, but if there's any chance that she could have been exposed to any std's or god forbid aids, she needs to be tested! right now! i honestly don't see why the thought of telling her is so dificult for some people. i can't think of many who given the choice would not want to know themselves, and yet they seem to have this dificulty about telling the other spouse. where is the choice here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks again all, I will let you know about my request to her to write the guy and start a no contact rule, plus options for her job.

As far as my view on telling the other mans wife...I think I simply do not want another person to have to go through what many of us have.

I also think that you have to be careful what you ask for. Do I really want this guy free of his marriage to pursue my wife unchained? In my case I know she was getting emotional support from him while he was ready to leave his family for her and that scared the hell out her. So I guess everyone needs to examine this situation for themselves as there is no cookie cutter solution

I agree there are no cookie cutter solutions but I think that your reason for not telling the other spouse has to be warranted. Just because you don't think she should go through this is NOT a good reason. You are thinking for her and placing your feelings onto her and frankly, I don't think that's fair. Telling her out of spite is not a good reason either. But I think telling her for her health and life choice are TWO very good reasons for her to know. I hope you reconsider this....
DB