Hi, I'm 23 yrs old been married since march. Me and my wife have been together for about 5 yrs now, we lived together before marriage and we had 4 children, the last 2 were twins. When we first got together before marriage we spent alot of time together doing things together, partying, etc.
She met my family and I met hers. We did have a sexual relationship as well before we got married and she got pregnant the first time. After that I was confused and didnt expect this, so I started drinking heavily, even through her pregnances. I obviously wasnt ready for children, but I was happy that we were having children, just knew I wasnt financially prepared.
When I wasnt working, I would spend alot of time on the computer and I believe this bothered her.
Finally I quit drinking, but after i quit drinking, she made me aware that we didnt spend time together when i did. (3 yrs btw). Unfortunatly I wasnt in the right state of mind half the time and didnt realize that I was hurting her. I apologized a number of time for what I had done. I finished my Information Technology degree hoping to make things financial sound.
I noticed her not seeming very interested, because I was busy all the time and she was stuck at home with the kids most of the time. I bought a second car hoping she could get out more but by the time I did, my van broke down.
I am a computer technician and know alot about computers, so I introduce her to them. I even got a high-speed connection and networked 2 computers so that we both could get online. Hoping that we could both share this recreation.
This ended up biting me in the butt though. When I introduced her to pc's, I showed her things that I liked to do, play games, talk to ppl in games, etc. She ended up playing the games and all which was fine.
Eventually, she downloading instant messangers and started to chat with ppl on there, for hours and hours at a time and we were not spending the time together anymore. I ended up finding a love letter to one of these ppl and confronted her about it. She got mad, said that I was snooping, and I was, curious. I also at one time installed a key logger to know exactly what was typed during a windows session.
She said that the letter meant nothing, that it was a kid that she was just trying to make feel better, but for some reason that was hard for me to believe. I ended up in a rampage and had a friend come over and take the computers out of the house. We moved since then and she doesnt know anyone where we live, so I decided to bring a computer back.
Once it was back, she got back into the instant messangers. So, eventually I pretty much demanded to see her email once again, found nothing suspecious. I revealed the keylogger as well. I think I maybe have falsly accussed her, but not sure.
There was a big fight, she was ready to leave and somehow, I convienced her to stay. Now the problem is, she seems withdrawn. We hardly ever find a babysitter and money is tight. She is hard to talk to lately as well and says I dont know her at all. She says that she is not sure whether she wants to stay or not, unless I let up on the computer issues. Please help, I love my dear wife very much..

Hi Cerebos,

I wanted to congratulate you for the courage that you showed by posting here. There are many wise people here that will offer you advice and guidance.

From what you've written so far, it sounds like your wife (and you) are very isolated. Unfortunately the computer does tend to be a great diversion for someone that is extremely lonely or emotionally lost.

Have either of you sought out any kind of counseling for the drinking and affairs? I commend you for beating that habit. Has your wife ever gone to support groups for this?

Please tell us more about this situation so that we all can get a better picture of what is going on. Talking about it helps, especially when you are at your low points.

Cerebros welcome to MB, and as Kily told you, this is a great place to share, vent and get support during difficult periods in a M. Please read the concepts and Q&A sections as well as purchasing and reading the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs''Love Busters' and 'Surviving an Affair' along with 'What Women Want Men To Know' by Barbara De Angelis. Educate yourself and you'll become a better husband. I would also like to suggest that you and your wife go to a marriage counselor that specializes in SAVING marriages.

Before I leave you I would like you to realize that what's here called 'Love Busters'(angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, annoying habits, and independent behavior) are the destroyers of romantic love. Please stop them immediately before they make you cause anymore damage to your marriage.

You are not alone. We are all here to help one another.

Thank you for your replies. Neither one of us have went to any type of counseling. This is also something that can get expensive. I had to drop our med. insurance to be capable of paying bills... A few months ago, me and my wife had talked about the possibility of joining the military. I tried the air force first with no luck. Apparently, if you are 23 or married (both in my case) they do a credit check. Then while living in my hometown, we had a house fire while i was at work. Everyone got out safely. Unfortunatly, that left us homeless. We called her parents and they had a house that we could stay at. (all along this, the computer stuff is going on) And I hate to admit, but I think there may have been some neglect (towards the children) related.. We goto stay at this house until we find something else. For a few days there was no computer. And the month that we were at this house, she was very distant from me at least after the computer came back.. This is also the same place were i found the notes..
Somtime inbetween all this, there was a big fight about the computerand feelings and I felt like I couldnt take it no more, so I left to a friends house. This friend was someone that I used to drink with alot. I felt like I wasnt going back home. I ended up breaking my winning streak, turning to alcohol once again. I ended up crying more that I ever have, I felt alone and broken.
The next day, I made myself goto work, realizing i had forgotten my key to get in the doors. I knew that I could get in so I didnt worry about it. After work, I knew i had to go get that key,
so I ended up heading that way. I got there and my wife wasnt there. I got the key, her sister was there with my kids and I asked where she was. She said that she was out at her moms and was supposed to goto the store. So I went out there and asked her to come talk to me. She said that she was going to the store so I told her that I would take her. We went there, talking as we got closer. Once we got there I stopped in the parking lot and asked several questions. She told me that she didnt feel the same about me, which floored me. She said that she didnt think that it would be a good idea for me to come home, I kinda lost it. She said that I should take the car so i could continue working, I told her to keep it since the kids were staying with her. We argued about that for a few minutes and i just flipped, got out of the car and started walking down the highway. While this was going on, she apparently went in, did her shopping, went past me on the highway about 5 miles and waited for me in a driveway. Once i got close i fell to my knees begging.. She told me to get in the car, i finally did.. then somehow, an agreement was made that if i joined the military we could work things out.. ?!?!? As for this subject, what was said about a month ago, she says we should just forget about it.. This subject has been history, until I didnt get a promotion at work that I was expecting..
I found a place closer to work, which we live at now.. She says that I blame everything on the computer.. What should I do??

Hi Cerebros,

Do you and your wife attend any kind of church? I know that there are programs that are offered through different places that are low or no cost. To be honest, it sounds like there are many dynamics going on in your marriage and you both need to start dealing with each other and the issues. The computer is just like your alcohol, a diversion from what you are really feeling. Counseling is a great place to get to these issues.

Have you read any of the info that Dr. Harley has presented on this site? It really is a great start at understanding the ccle of things. Also there are a few questionaaiers that you and your wife can fill out to see what needs are not being met in the "R".

Cerebros,
I am sorry for the pain you and your family are going through at this time. I agree with Kily, many churches have programs to help out people in need. There are many dynamics going on!

Please keep posting here, Cerebros. Thanks for your reply on my thread, too.

AS far as the computer, I can see that for me it was an escape. I've paid such a huge cost, as have my children, for my selfish escape route. Please keep working on things with your wife. I hope she realizes that internet 'friends' can be anyone they want to be through a screen. It is simply not reality.

Take care,
HP

thanks for your replies.

we don't attend a church regularly, though a friend at work had invited us to visit their church. I asked her if she would like to go with me and the kids and she simply refused saying that i was trying to get her to do something that she did not want to do.

She said that she can worship god at home. Unfortunatly this sounds like something that I used to say..
I have been unsuccessful to finding low cost counciling. what exactly do you mean by "dynamics" ?

I realize that with the alcohol i did a horrible thing.. I have had a couple drinks here and there, but only got "drunk" once this year. I feel that I have made amazing progress with this.

I will have to agree, I think that the computer has been something like the drinking was..

I have read many things from MB. The stages of marriages is what has influenced me to continue the fight. I have asked her to look over this site. I think she came to the site, but I believe that she may be ashamed for some reason and says that she doesnt think "reading" is going to help anything.

She also says that I am making a bigger deal out of this situation than I should? I am confused, because the other day I came home from work (I work 3rds currently) in the morning, and I got on the computer myself listening to music. I broke down again, even into tears, which most people that know me knows that doesnt happen very often.

Well, she ended up asking me to come sit with her and comforted me! It seemed like the day went so perfect and we both entered Intimacy.. the entire day went well with no arguement. We even got alot of the christmas shopping done and took the kids with us.
But then, yesterday..

I woke up asking questions and don't know why. What did you do today, who did talk to (computer/phone), etc. Like I was in a paranoid state of mind.. This started conflict again..

I'm thinking of leaving this issue alone for awhile, because all it does is stir up arguements and alot of the times I end up apologizing..

Maybe I am making a big deal out of this. Why do I insist on driving myself crazy thinking about it.. Shes says that I need to trust her and I do, I just don't trust these other people. And she has given our phone number out to some of these people/kids and oddly enough, they appear to be teenagers..

Now I know my wife well enough to know that she would not cheat on me with a 15 yr old.. So what is this.. ??

One that called had to be young, because he sounded like he was going through puberty.. could tell by the sound of his voice..

I have explained to her that giving our phone number out like this can be dangerous.. As far as I know, this doesnt happen often.

None of this makes sense to me.. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Hi Cerebros,

No I don't think you are making a big deal out of this at all. I personally think that giving you # out to minors is a REALLY bad idea! Not only is she practicing poor judgement, she could be arrested and put on a sex offenders list if it ever turned physical between them!

When I said that there were a lot of dynamics involved, I was trying to say that there were several issues that are going on that are contributing to the problems. It also sounds as if you might be suffering from Depression. There are many times when depressed people turn to the bottle for answers. Have you considred talking with a doctor about meds.

I personally suffered from Depression for most of my life, and it was an underlying cause for a lot of my relationship problems.

There seems to be a lot of unresolved feelings that you need to start addressing. I hope that you do seek out help.