Here is my situation: A little over a year ago my wife began telling me that she needed more space, that she was "sprouting wings" etc. Coincidentally at the same time she began developing a relationship with an older single woman who was attending our church. The led worship at our church together and related on this topic very well. Prior to this I had begun experiencing a newfound love for my wife and desperately wanted to show this to her. I wanted us to create an ever closer bond in our marriage. My wife made it clear that she was not up for this. We had many discussions and not a few fights about this. Time continued and she began seeing more and more of this other woman. It got to the point where they were seeing each other at least 3 times per week and talking on the phone or IM'ing every night. I witnessed some of the language used. The OW would say to my wife " I love you so very much" and " I just need to be near you" etc. After asking my wife about such language she began minimizing the screen whenever I walked into the room. TO her credit she said she did this because she feared that I would see a totally innocent comment and get mad. When they talk on the phone every night, my wife sits in the tub with the door mostly closed and the fan on apprarently for privacy.

My wife has changed so much in the past year. She says that it is independant of her relationship with this OW. I say the coincidence is too obvious. W has said she does not need as much physical affection from me. She also says that she is much more secure in our relationship and therefore does not need to spend as much time with me as in the past. Understand that W used to be very dependant on me and would become upset if I did not pay her enough attention. We have essentially changed roles. I have been very depressed about this situation for over a year. I feel hopeless because W says that this is the way that it will be from now on. She has made it clear that the OW will be her "best friend" forever and she does need to spend this ample amount of time with her and talking to her. I forgot to mention that they do like to get together and spend the night as often as possible. We have discussed this quite a bit and my wife assures me there is nothing physical between them. I do believe her about this. I contend that the this is an emotional affair and my wifes eyes have been blinded to what is going on. My kids (9 and 6) have both independantly noticed the change in my wife and have commented to me that momma is very different. The OW is in my home often and has an enormous amount of influence on my wife. She also bought my wife and her a set of broken heart friendship necklaces that they both wear often ( I didn't like this).

We have fought and talked calmly about this for a year and I still don't feel a bit better about the situaion. I have prayed that God would show me the truth and talked with inumerable people about this situation. My current perspective is that the relationship is overboard and I am currently praying that God would open my wifes eyes and let her see the truth and the damage that has been caused. I would welcome comments regarding 1) how you see the relationship and 2) What action you think I need to be taking. I should add that my wife says that she is committed to our marriage and will never leave me. I feel the same way. We are both Chrisitians and I believe we will live up to this but I do feel hopeless about our marriage as it is.

It seems that your wife is not being truthful to you. She has already left your marriage emotionally and quite possible is involved physically with this OW. She sounds like a cakewoman who is maintaining a full relationship with this other woman while still enjoying all of the material benefits of being married to you.
The tone of your message indicates that this OW has taken over as the significant relationship in your wife's life and she does not seem to care whether you like it or not because you have indicated that you are willing to accept anything. There is an old saying which states
"no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". I would hope professional counseling would be a must but it seems your wife is happy the way things are and has no desire to change.
The bottom line seems to me that since she knows that you are an enabler through your acceptance of this outside relationship she certainly will have no motivation to change the status quo. Let me ask you this question. If your wife was doing this with another man would you accept this? Of course you would not. This is no different. She is having her emotionally and more than likely her physical needs being met by another person and you are accepting of this. She is in a fog and will continue to be in it as long as you inform her that there are no repercussions to her actions. Your wife is living a single life with another woman while receiving the benefits of marriage to you. Are you willing to accept being number two for the rest of your life?
I will let others offer you advise but it really sounds to be that she has crossed the line and you do not sound like you have much of a marriage. I am amazed that you have accepted this outside relationship for so long. I wish you luck. Your wife needs a wake up call that you are not willing to give her. If you wish to be second best then it is by your choice.

Dear Put:
Welcome to MB! I'm sorry for your marital problems. Just know that everyone here is feeling the same way you are - everything you feel is normal and you are NOT alone at all! Please take the time to read the Basic Concepts section. I also feel that you and your wife will benefit from the emotional needs questionnaires.

It does sound to me like your wife has replaced you with this OW. It also sounds as if you and your wife are not fufilling each others' emotional needs at the moment. She is in a deep fog and probably cannot recognize the course she is following.

Take care of you and your kids. You are only responsible for your actions.

Good luck, read, and please keep posting.
DB

So far I would have to agree with what the others have said.

It seems as though your W is having an A with this OW. It does not matter if it is an emotional or "full blown" PA. She has turned / gone outside of the M for emotional support and other needs she has. The fact that she is "much more secure in your relationship" is confusing especially if she is pulling away from you.

The changes you and your children notice are usually "tell-tale" signs of an A.

I'm not sure what direction to point you in, other than to gather as much information as you can from here at the MB site prior to talking with her further about this. Local counseling I'm sure would also be a great benefit or if possible, try to setup a session with the Harley's.

Most of us here know what you are faced with. Keep coming back...

MITT

Thanks for the posts. FYI: W has adamantly opposed any counseling at all. I suspect I know why. I have come at it from various angles even indicating that if the counselor says the problem lies with me then I will deal with the situation as I am counseled.

I have seriously considered an ulitimatum (me or her) and I am afraid that I know what her decision will be. She will leave me. I am not sure if I have the strength for this and really dread the effect it would have on the kids. I am open to your input here.

If there are folks out there who would take my wifes side on this I would like to hear from you. I still try to be objective even though I am mired so deep in this it is hard to be sometimes. That is in fact why I would like input.

Would also appreciate your prayers that my wife's eyes would be opened.

Thanks

Dear Put:
Of course your wife doesn't want counseling - there's NO problem! Typical WS-speak.

I suggest that you read everything on this website - articles and everything. I have bought Surviving an Affair which is available in the bookstore section here. I am also going to buy Torn Asunder tonight because I have heard sooo much about this book. I'm not sure if there are other books you could read that would deal more with this same-sex relationship you are facing.

I do know that maybe last week there was a thread about same sex relationships you could go back a couple of pages and see if you could find it.

I think this is going to be really hard on your kids - especially the 9 year old. I would like to think your wife would finally wake up and see that. If you give her a choice and she chooses OW don't take it as a final chapter. Seriuosly, she knows not what she is doing! FOGGG!!!

Good luck. Keep posting.
DB