Okay - here we are Friday!!!! I don't know if tonight or tomorrow night will be the "big talk" night but I think I'm ready. I almost started in on it last night but it was pretty late so I decided to wait. I'm just afraid this talk could last sooo long and I don't want it interrupted.

How about you - ready for some shopping and talking? How are you going to start the topic?
DB

Your right, its finally friday.
I'm glad your ready, I actually feel sick when i think about it. I know in my case (ow still in the picture) that it could go either way.

I am going to give him the letter tomorrow night and ask him how he feels about it. When we get home. There will be no kids and i think i will ask him to move out on Jan 2nd. He has often said that He thinks the only way for this to be fixed is for us to seperate. I was thinking last night about another post Katie Scarlet, I wonder if i am just allowing this. And becasue he knows i am not going to do anything he is loosisng respect for me. I know i can hardly face myself anymore. I can only imagine what he is thinking. Possibly, she is so desperate to stay married, that she will allow what ever....

Not going to to this is not going to do this for much longer.....

How are you going to start this??? I'm really scared.

Be strong. I think you are a VERY strong woman. You changed your own flat tire!!!! You can do anything.

I am a totally kept woman. Oh, I get gas but that's it! He does the bill paying, financial stuff. I buy groceries and do housestuff. You are strong - you can do it.

Katie Scarlett really made me think, too. I think that we buried the first ONS and I went on in my life like we had before allowing him to do whatever he wanted - hold on loosely. I don't know if that's part of the problem or not. But that did get me thinking too.

You are sooo strong!!!

I am going to say, let's go over these questionnaires and then I think it will take care of itself. However, I don't know if it'll be tonight or tomorrow night. I'm nervous. Not scared. Just like I'm planning an ambush and he has no idea.

This will tell me alot anyway. I think I will be able to control my lbs but I don't know if he will be able to. It will be very telling. I know he'll feel sad and guilty and that will hurt me to know that I am purposely starting a conversation that is going to hurt him and hurt me but I really feel like it will be a cleansing feel-good type of hurt. Get it over. Peroxide in the wound.

Are you going to go out for supper after shopping or just come straight home?

You can do this - you are strong. Just think how good it's going to feel after this talk is over. Just the anticipation and not knowing will be a relief - maybe not feeling good but relief. I bet you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders.

You are sooo strong.
DB

I guess i am preparing myself for the this to go badly for H and Myself, I do think he loves me, he just doesn't want to face the reality that i can't live with this like it is. He will be angry and sad at the same time. Angry at me for not letting it go, and hurt becasue i am making him choose. I know that one of the things i am going to say is that I don't want him to break it off with her to hold it over my head for the next 15 years and be angry about it for ever. I would rather he just leave now and be done. I don't want to live with anger and resentment from me towards him or him towards me. It would be better to just end it. That is what i am going to say. I am just afraid im not strong enough to not back down when he starts packing. I think if i could just get past that part i would be ok once he was gone and my kids were told and they were ok. It is just so hard when you know you have done all you can do, and it was still not enough. Thanks for the support.

I hope your talk opens new doors in your relationship. I know what it is like to feel as if you have to do something, or it will go one like it is forever. I'm glad that your able to take that step. (((((Dazy))))))),

((((((((sara))))))))
Hugs right back at ya!!! IF he decides to pack and go you have to be strong or things will stay the same way. Be strong. You can do it - I think you can do anything.

I hope, for the sake of your kids and marriage and the greater goodnes and fairness of the world, he comes to his senses. And just because he does leave remember - it might not be forever and it might do you both good to have a break. You can learn that you can live without him (heck, you already are, really - if he's not around much and not living up to his end of responsiblities) and he might wake up, shrug off the fog and come to his SENSES!!!

You were sooo excited one week or was it two, ago when you wrote that letter - you couldn't wait to give it to him. You need to carry that over until tomorrow to give you some momentum heading into this.

If he starts packing and you think you are going to back down and be a doormat - leave and go for a looong walk.

K.

Your RIGHT, I can do this, I want to do this, i just need to have a good planned exit. I have thought long and hard about leaving the house while he packs but i want him to actually leave me. with me there looking at him. It will probaly take valium to keep me calm. But i will do it. I was thinking about packing his bag before the conversation. Just a couple of changes of clothes and toiletries. so i could just hand it to him and say " I see you have made your decision." I really need to be alone now, You can contact your mom to contact me when you are ready to see the kids. And walk out and set on the porch. And let him leave. Reality check.

Yes, that is probably a better idea than you leaving him. After I sent that I thought - oh- it's never a good idea to be the one that walks away first.

Having a bag packed for him is good so that you don't have to suffer the sight of him. Real good.

You're a teacher - look at this as a little adventure for you and the kids - a minivacation from dad and all the walking on eggshells you do. I'm trying to be upbeat for you.

Maybe you won't need the upbeatness. But what about the Jan 2 deal? So, you think he'll leave now instead of on Jan.2?
Just wondering how that will work.
DB

I think that he will be really angry. If he goes there then i want to be prepared for that, i want to be able to end the angry tirade at my home a swiftly as i can. I really hope it doesn't. I really look for him to try and negotiate with me, When he realizes im not going to try and talk him out of leaving..

Here's hoping for a good weekend for us both

Sara I hope you get this post because I thought about this over my lunch - could you do something about the key to the gun closet? That really worries me. I don't like guns and we don't have any except one bb gun so I guess my H could shoot his eye out but other than I don't particularly know or care about them.

Just be careful. Be strong.

Who do you have for support? MIL, Mother, good friend, minister?? I think you might need it this weekend.

I think I remember you said you don't have a computer at home but I'm gonna check on Sunday for messages just in case.

The outlook for a talk tonight is looking bleak for me. H is having BAD DAY at work - he's in a BAD MOOD. Oh, well, there's always Saturday.

Be strong. Be gentle. Be firm. Be mad. Be strong.
K.

Dear Dazy,

I already took care of the gun situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The other day really shook me up. I'm sitting here crying, My baby just won the school spelling b. It is so hard to know that i could cause them pain. Even if it is not my fault, i do wish I could fix it for thier sakes.

I will post Saturday. We are getting out computer set up for the internet at home Saturday.YEA

As far as suport goes, i think i have some. I Haven't let them know about the ongoing affair, they did know of it in the beginning, so it won't be a surprisse.

I am sorry about your H having a bad day. Your right, there is always tomorrow.

Yeah for the good speller.

Can't really give much advice along the kid line except to say if things are as bad as you say they must sense something and maybe will be some relief to them to get things out. I'm sure they are going to need a lot of support as well.

Good luck - go celebrate the good speller!!!
DB

Dear Dazy,
Well, im on line at home. Hope your nightis going better than mine, chekc withyou later Sara

Dear Sara:
Had to come to work to print out my Christmas letter. Nothing accomplished last night. However, tonight is looking VERY promising. Can't believe you were up sooo late!!!!

Good luck today and tonight. I'm crossing my fingers that things turn out in the best way possible for you.

K.

Dear Dazed,

Just have a few minutes. I have decided i don't want this. just waiting for the time to come to finish it. I feel so disrespected, in my own home. I feel like im just the doormat, and i really didn't mind to much as i was in plan a but i can't do it forever and his behavior, its not changing. Got to run to work. Someone quit so now i have to work, Sun, night, tuesday night and Friday and Saturday night. By the way D-Day + 1 year is Tuesday. I have done all i can
Thanks for your support. I hope last night was good for you.

Sara

Dear Sara:
We had a long talk last night. As soon as I started the conversation he broke down sobbing. To make a long story short, he doesn't understand my need to know details and will not tell them to me because he feels so bad about and wants to forget it. I told him that I really needed this to heal and move on but I don't think I'll ever get the opportunity to know. I had to lead him through several questions and sort of told him what I thought happened - that I had imagined. He said it was nothing like that and that he thinks it was nothing - didn't mean anything and I 'm making a mountain out of a little event that meant nothing.

So, I guess we go on from here but I think this means it will take longer to get over because of my overactive imagination.

I went shopping Friday night for Torn Asunder - 2 stores in Peoria and neither one had it!!! Can you believe it???? I must live in the middle of nowhere!!

Couldn't really tell from your note if you had a talk or not last night. I can tell you seem blue and depressed. Please take care of yourself first. If that means no longer being a doormat and going to plan b - then do it. Don't wait for January 2, or December 26. You need to start taking care of you. It doesn't sound like he's going to change anytime soon.

I guess I had all these high expectations about being open and honest and getting everything out but came out of it deeply disappointed.

I'm still advocating out with the old and in with the new for New Year's.

Thanks for sharing your name. The spelling of my name is rather unique and I'm not ready to use it on the open Internet yet. So I'll just sign this,
KP

Dear KP,

Hi, and Good mornig, Well, I am glad you got to talk a little, I know you are probably worried that you will not be able to discuss this and work through it. I think at some point you need to tell him that although he doesn't think it is important, and that it didn't mean anything that to you it means that something needs changed in order to make sure it doesn't happen again. I understand about the expectations thing. Maybe its just to soon to talk about it for him.

I had to work on Friday night. WHen i got home my H was there with one of his budies,(this one assulted me once before. I beat the crap out of him) His wife and another girl (both girls are 17) they both have two kids. Anyway. Everyone is drunk. My 7 year old is taking care of the baby. Well i kicked them out. His wife dog cussed me in front of my daughter. My H got mad. I just went to bed. About 1 hour later i hear H throwing his tonails up in the restroom. Natural consequences i just left him. at five in the morning i finally got up and went to get him some aleve, the only thing that helps. Took kids to my moms and had to explain what the heck happened the night before. Kids wondering. Discussed drinking with them. Came up with a plan in case it happens again.. Spend day with H, hardly said anything. Got home late, went to bed, Got up went to church. H. Called me. I was kind, and all. when i got home from church, house was still trashed. Beer bottles everywhere. ect... I told H that i didn't make the mess, he needed to clean it up. He didn't, had to work last night. House still a mess when i got home. He had done nothing, My Dad stopped by. I finally broke down and told him i think i am going to D. H. He said good. Surprised the H out of me. He is a Baptist preacher. He said that my h lives in a very small world, me myself and I and it will never change. Unless God works a miracle. So no i didn't talk to him. This has turned into a marriage that is broken, its no longer just about the on going A its about respect and disrespect. I have to get out. It is hurting me and my children.

Trying to decide what to do now.

(((((((Sara)))))))

You're right about the respect thing. I don't know how you've put up with it that long. I think you'll find you have tons more support than you thought. Small towns can be awful for gossip but wonderful for support.

I'm glad you are working on a plan. Draw up some boundaries and stick to them. Your H has a lot of work to do on himself before he could ever begin to work on your M.

I did explain how this was important to me. That is was like a wound that wasn't going to heal. But maybe you are right about the time thing. Maybe it's too soon to be asking these questions. However, for me waiting is torture. We are both trying sooo hard right now that I feel we are totally different people. I have to wonder when the "real" us will break out of our shells and take over our lives and we'll be back in the same old rut again. Oh, well. I guess I'll just enjoy the "new" us for now....

I hope you do something soon for your own peace of mind, sanity and YOUR KIDS' SAKES. I hope that spurs you on.

Have a good lunch.
DB