Just want a little advice. My H and I have been in MC over a year now and things are going slowly. H finally filled out the EN questionaire and received mine. He has known all along mine because I have been very open with him about things he can do to help me get over the A. Needless to say he still hasn''t started to do the little things I need.
Since Christmas is just around the corner I'm giving him til christmas to put in some effort. My question is do I let him know about the deadline I set in my head or would that be a LB?

Thanks
SH01

IMVHO, Men are NOT mind readers. Although I like to think my H and I share a special connection, I have to keep remembering if I want it I gotta ask for it.

Also, my parenting technique is that I let my children know that I don't like their behavior before they do it. If they do something I don't like, for example, come home late, How can I be mad at them when I didn't tell them what time to be home? If I told them before they left the house what time to be home - then they should suffer the consequences.

I think you'd have to apply that to your husband as well.

Also, it's not the action that causes the LB but how you say it. Be tactful. Maybe others can give advice about what to say exactly. I'll start and others can add or change cuz I'm not sure I've got it down yet:

I feel like I'm working on our marriage and we aren't going anywhere. What do you think we can do to work harder?

I don't know - work with the sentences.
DB

Thanks DB,
I feel like I do let him know, we've talked about my needs for affection alot in MC. I don't want to sound pessimistic because things are a lot better in our marriage than before the A.
I love my husband deeply and realy want our M to work but at times I feel he needs a kick in the a**. Maybe to realize what he has to lose and how he's losing me (I've also told im this)
I do agree that you need to let expectations known but what do you do with someone who doesn't seem to be listening???
I still going back and forth about letting him know. But I'm going to be adding to his LB to cause I hope this works.
SH01

Is the A over? Are you sure? And how long has it been over? He could be still in fog or going through withdrawal? Just ideas for why he isn't listening.

I don't understand when someone almost blows away their whole past and future and their families' and the one they promised to love and honor and CHERISH and then they say they want the marriage and then the don't LISTEN. I don't get it. Why won't he listen and try? Of course, maybe he thinks he is trying especially if you say things are much better. Maybe his level of trying is lower than yours.
DB

DB,
The A has been over since this past January, but contact came to an end when he changed jobs in April. At times I still feel like he's in a fog because he does admit to still having feelings for her.
I don't understand why he won't to little affectionate things it almost feels like he's just trying to drive me away. I don't know if it's guilt and he thinks he has hurt me to much..
Our M is better in the sense we do not fight hardly at all and are co-existing. Our love life is just sex... he just not into kissing and foreplay again it may be guilt and/or depression. I have asked him to see our doctor and to try antidepressant that it doesn't mean he's weak.
I guess this is all part of the emotional roller coaster called getting over the A.
SH01

Dear SH
I've never liked rollercoasters and here I am - living on one!!!

I've been up and down so many times this week my name should be YoYo!

However, I don't think that just because you don't ever fight you have a good marriage. My H and I NEVER fought or had a disagreement and look where it got me! I do think fighting in a constructive way is better than not fighting at all. More healthy.

JMO for what they're worth - nothing!!!
DB

DB,
I've also had weeks like that. Sometimes I feel as if my life is that. And I'm not the biggest fan of rollercoasters.
I totally agree with you that not fighting doesn't neccessarly mean a great marriage. In our earlier years when we fought we had so much fun making up. Now it's just like were co-existing...nobody wants to rock the boat.
Not quite what I would like in my marriage.... not that I want to be fighting frequently, but as I said previously fighting helps get out whts bothering you .
SH

Since Christmas is just around the corner I'm giving him til christmas to put in some effort. My question is do I let him know about the deadline I set in my head or would that be a LB?
It's not a lovebuster but it is NOT agood idea to give them any kind of time.
Tell him he has till Christmas and basically you are telling him it's okay to screw around until Christmas.

You want (ideally) them to make the decision to come home/work on marriage on their own. Telling them a time is trying to force their hand which is never a good idea.

Also, if the time you had set and you still felt like waiting awhile, then it shows your spouse you can't stick to something you say, as in, "I've learned a lot in Plan A but I'm only doing it to get you back, NOT like I've really changed."

Keep it to yourself and you can change the timeframe if/whenever you want.

You'll KNOW when it is time to move on...

Thanks Chris,
I think you have a good point there. I think that is what I'll do. I'm really hoping that he comes thru for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
SH01