Hi, It has been almost a month since the day I knew about my H's affair. I believe I need to explain how this happened. It was one year ago that he made such a terrible mistake with his boss' secretary. She is divorced and has 1 child, her ex-husband doesn't seem to care for the child, so my H usually feels terrible about this kind of stories and I believe this made him go to bed with her. He says it only happened once and some other close encounters before. The way I noticed was because I founded an e-mail he sent her just saying hello, which she answered telling that it has been a while since they haven't seen each other, then my H replies that he has been really busy but that he would do his best to see her. The name was not familiar to me and since he signed with kisses, it just didn't smell any good. So then I sent her an e-mail on his name!!!! telling her that I(him) didn't remember when and where was the last time we (they) saw each other... she replied one year ago, at my house, we drank some wine! That was it, I confronted my H. he asked me to forgive, I told him that all I knew at that very moment is that I was not able to take a decission. Since then, he has been nice to me, we talk more, he's home earlier, etc. But when it comes to talk about what happened he doesn't really show any interest. He's here and he's nice but I don't feel he is connected to my feelings, he has not been very emotional, we haven't had any sex after that day. On my side I feel that flashes come into my head more often than before, so I have planned to try to make him connect to my feelings telling him that I had kissed and so another man, and after a few days maybe tell him that it is not true but that I just wanted to make him FEEL what i feel. What do you think

Me 31
He 37
Together for 14 years, married 9
1 boy (5years)
5 Monthes pregnant second child

I Think your playing with fire doing that..

I understand your hurting..so explain to your husband how much your hurting..don't play games that could destroy your marriage...

What if nothing happened other than they had a glass of wine?

the problem right now isn't about Him..and what happened..it's about you still hurting, and because he hasn't given the 'right' answer your looking for...would you feel better if he said
he had sex with her?

You need to let him know that your still hurting over this issue, and that you can't move forward until it's resolved..so maybe the two of you can sit down and disuss it until you have a clear understanding of why he felt led to go have a drink with her..if you need to talk all night then do so..

but no, do not play the jealousy game..it's not worth losing your marriage over..

Dear thornedrose, I would reaaly love to know that nothing happened, but it did, he told me so. I have also tried to talk to him, as I wrote, he just tries to move from the subject really fast. He's not very emotional with me at this moment. The A was not really emotional since it has been a year he has not seen her, and as far as I know they only had sex once. But his lack of emotional connection with me, is only making me think most of the time what he did, what he felt. Touching somebody else, getting in somebody else, it's just hurting so much!

Mia - a HUGE ditto to TR

Don't go there!!

Assuming the affair is over, nothing matters what went on with OW. Sure, thoughts of it hurt. But this has little to do with OW.

To the contrary, PLENTY matters regarding what went on with YOU and your H before the affair. I suggest you examine everything adverse that you potentially contributed to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to happen.

Don't believe that crap about what "made him go to bed with her." Get hot on Plan A and get some counseling. Read Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Therein you'll discover why he did what he did.

Mia71:

You say in your post he did have sex with her--okay..

I realize this hurts you very much..and your husband apparently has asked forgiveness, and has
not seen this woman since...

So why has he not been having sex with you?

Is it you push him away, because your still hurt?
Apparently you've been together since he was with her back in January, as I seen from your by-line that your pregnant.."5 Monthes pregnant second child" --

Something you may need to do is explain to your husband that your still hurting..and that this needs to be resolved, and the only way it can be resolved is by talking about it..what was he feeling about your marriage that led up to that point? were you two having trouble? if you can get the answers to these..there will be more questions as to why he felt that way..and why didn't he talk to you about it, or maybe he tried and you ignored it..those are the underlying issues that need to come out..in order for you to heal..and it may be you need to get into MC in order to do that..

TR I'll try to answer your questions, please keep helping. Why is he not having sex with me? I don't really know, maybe i did push him away. After I knew what happened, that very day we had sex, but i just couldn't stop crying and telling him I couldn't do it, so he stopped, that was a month ago!! since then he has not shown any interest on sex, though he has try to be nice to me (basically on the way he talks to me). About what made him had sex with OW, this is what makes it tough for me... during years I had acted sexually very timid (I mean very), but since my 30th birthday (feb. 2001) something happened and I really changed, we did things I never thought I could allow (we went really wild, believe me). Our relation was working better than ever in every sense, we both agree on that. Looks like he was with her back in Aug 2001 or so, and all he says is that he was weak and "hot". I just don't understand why he risked our family in such a way, why did he cared so little? why did he sent this girl a new mail a few weeks ago, I'M PREGNANT! He answers that it's just stupidity, but his answers and explanations are not enough for me. We talked plenty of times about infidelity, actually my sister by those days (aug 2001) came back from Brasil with her 2 children because her husband left her for another W. He saw her suffer, he supported her. It just doesn't make sense... hot stupidity??!!!