I read your posts to Kaniston and was encouraged by a lot of what you said in terms of beliefs about marriage that are mistaken, the A and all not meaning you don't love your spouse.

Can you tell me how you came to all of this realization? My FWH continues to tell himself the story about our M and my behavior toward him forced him to be so unhappy that he chose to have an A. He sees now that he could have done any number of things differently than have an A, but still doesn't see a balanced picture of the things we were doing wrong in our marriage. It is just all my bad behaviors. Any insights for me?

Well, I'd like to tell you it came to me in a vision...that would have been much easier. But it didn't.

I read a lot...books suggested on another board I posted at before here. I talked openly with friends. I also went to a good counselor. So really I had information and opinions hitting me from all sides. Even still...I held on to my pride and arrogance for a long long time. It took our divorce almost being final, and the knowledge that my husband was indeed moving on with his life (he had a girlfriend) to shake me up enough to jump off the throne for a while. Everything everyone had said finally culminated into clear thoughts.

Honestly, even at that point I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. But H and I committed ourselves to each other again and just decided we were going to have to find new, more effective ways of managing our marriage. Once we really committed ourselves it didn't really matter how long it took....we were in it for life...period.

Are you guys seeing a counselor at all? Have you read any of the good books mentioned around here? No matter what...it does take time. Hope that helps!