I've been an anti depressants for 4 months, they worked well to start with, but now I find my feelings are going backwards. H had 2 year A. He has been trying hard since DDay, but i find it hard to forget. He doesnt want to talk about it anymore, but even though i've asked a million questions i still have more (mainly about his thoughts and feelings during A).

This has really rocked my self esteem and I'm struggling. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to pack up my remaining self respect and walk away. We have 2 daughters and they are my main driving force. H just wants me to forget it and get over it. But I dont know how. I see OW constantly as we live in a small town.

Another thing that really gets to me is he lent her $250 just prior to DDay, shortly after he asked her to pay it back (in small amounts she could afford) through a mutual friend, now 7 months later there is still nothing. I feel she is just laughing in our faces and H wants to forget it. I dont, she took enough from me without letting her have anymore, and this is the only thing she took that can actually be returned.

Why do I feel back to square 1. Is it normal after this long?

Thanks, any input appreciated.

Robyn

Hello Robyn, I am not in recovery but I have learned enough and read enough here at MB to know that what you are experiencing is very normal.

You have a WS that is still with you and sounds as if he is repentant. However, the "get over it" concept is dangerous for both of you. Both of you need help to get through this successfully and there is so much out there. Are you in counselling?

Yes we are in councelling. She's good, but can't really tell me 'how' to get past it. I get the impression I should be happy i "won" and he chose me. But just what have I won? H got 2 years of excitement, great sex, getting his ego boosted, OW got the same plus she's now got a new boyfriend, and me........ I'm left stuggling in the middle of this sh.t that I didnt know was happening and had no say in. When my H admitted that the A was good for his ego (OW 19 years younger) I told him that everything he gained came straight from my self esteem.

Thanks for the input

Robyn

Robyn,

It is normal to still be struggling with this, however, it is made 10X worse because he withholds vital information from you. It is information to which you have a RIGHT to know and won't recover without it. When they withhold or let out a little at a time, you die a death of a thousand cuts. Every new little piece of information that you dredge out will put you back to square 1. But without the confession, you won't recover either, because just the ACT of confession is immensely healing for the BS because it shows a willingness to share secrets with you that were once just the domain of the WS and the OW.

The idea that you should just be happy that you "won" is preposterous. Like you said, WHAT did you really win? A crap load of heartache.

The bottom line, hon, is that he needs to have the balls to answer ALL your questions and get it over with or this will drag out forever, hurting you both. He needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to get it all out. Whatever he does not tell you will be blown out of proportion and imagined in the worst possible light in your mind. That is a form of torture that you should not have to endure. He owes you the truth if you are willing to stay in this marriage.

<small>[ December 14, 2002, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Here is what Harley says about it:
“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

Robyn
Maybe I can shed some light here.

Im a FWS. I was the one that cheated on my H. We have been in recovery almost 3 years now. We are doing really good BUT we do have our moments that sometimes feel we are back to square one as you say. That, I feel, is normal to a point. For you, it's still early. It has not even been a year for you. You will be going through many stages of grief which is grieving what you feel you lost, anger at your H and the OW for what they took from you, still some shock in there that this could actually happen to you.

As for your meds. Perhaps go to your doctor and tell him/her that you don't feel they are working very well, they may have to up the dose or change your meds. That happens to alot of people.

My H and I have been working hard on our marriage. I have walked a totally straight line since DDAY and never looked back. I want you to know it's very difficult. I don't agree with your husband telling you to "get over it". You cannot be expected in 7 mos to get over what he did for two years.

There is a book, a friend of mine here on MB told me about, Torn Asunder. I don't know if you read it. It talks about this timeline for recovery. I found that part interesting. I have yet to read the book but the way he explained it, is that...It takes about as long as the affair lasted for the BS to get past what happened if not longer. I think that is right. In other words. He cheated for 2 years as you said, and it could take you that long to get past it. I hope Im saying that right.

My EA went on for a long time, we are three years into recovery, well almost 3 years and while we have made AWESOME progress, there are days that are not so easy. Its very difficult. We are going through one of those times right now. My H still has some anger issues he is dealing with. In regards to what I did. We are getting tons of help from this site to work through it. I won't quit on him and I try to reassure him much as I can. Ive had a few bad days here lately myself BUT please remember this. ITS NORMAL..to have those bad days/weeks that pop up.

I know you feel this is not fair. H seems to have moved on from the A. OW has a new man, you are left with the baggage of their actions. Its not fair. I agree but you can get past this. It takes alot of work but you can do it. Please go back to the doctor.

There is no magic answer for what it will take for you to personally get past it. That is something you will work through on your own but the support is here for you and please see your doctor again to check your meds. Its normal to feel how you are feeling.

Im sorry you are feeling like this and if I can help, please let me know. Im a FWS. Maybe I can help.

One more thought. I don't know why anyone is making you feel like "YOU WON". No one wins in a situation where an affair takes place. Everyone loses. Trust me...everyone loses.
Zoey

<small>[ December 15, 2002, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Thanks Zoey

I'm going to the Doctor today. H has been great, very understanding and I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. 2002 was a sh.t year for us and i'm going to make sure 2003 is much better!

I wouldnt wish this situation on my worst enemy, but it helps to know that there are others who understand exactly where I am and it's comforting to know that i'm not going crazy.

Hope you all have a great xmas and new year.

Robyn

Robyn. GREAT to know you will get back to the doctor. I know this is rough. I say the same thing. Im the FWS and I would not wish this on anyone. I wish to god I could take back what I did but the truth is, I can't BUT I can make damm sure it won't happen again and that is what Im doing.

Its hard I know. Its very hard but you hang in there and come talk to any of us anytime. Im here for you.

Zoey