And It hurts me. Why won't he read it, he says its because he thinks the book is just trying to justify the affair. Is that what the book does? I admit afer reading the book I feel like the explaination of the affair happening was much too simple, but it sounded right on.

I know he wants to forget about it and I know reading the book will make it more painful to think about it, but how are we suppose to heal if we don't understand why it happened?!?!?!

FTR he also stays away from this site....too hard to read. Talk about an ostrige(sp)

<small>[ December 14, 2002, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: euphoria ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why won't he read it, he says its because he thinks the book is just trying to justify the affair. Is that what the book does? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a BS, when I read the book it was painful because it put all the cards on the table. Although an A is NEVER justified, I had to look at my part in setting the stage, which is a tough thing to do when you are reeling.

I would not force the issue. Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "Love Busters". Those were less painful to me and IMHO they focus more on making a M better, than rehashing the past. Maybe that's the path to take. Give it time and lots of love.

Euphoria I agree with Luki in that 'Surviving an Affair' is hard book to read. As a FBH (who is divorced and engaged to be married next year) it was extremely painful book to read because so much of the bad behavior of the WW Sue was so reminiscent of the behavior my xWW when she was engaged in her multiple EA/PA's. Unlike you, who ended her A with OM and showed remorse, Sue's behavior was so over the top abusive that it was incredible for me to swallow that her BH Jon would even want to continue to be married to her. I wish that Harley had used a less extreme case than the one of Sue and Jon to prove how the MB concepts of marital recovery can work wonders.

BTW, 'His Needs Her Needs' also has a chapter on infidelity with less painful stories than Sue and Jon's, and like Luki said, it's main interest is to make the M better and not concentrate on the mistakes. My favorite is 'Love Busters' because it identifies the destructive habits that destroy romantic love and how it opens the door to have the spouse that feels most abused in the M lose all love for the other spouse, thus helping to weaken the body of M and leave it susceptible to the infection of an A. So you might want to try these two instead.

Definitely don't force the issue, or anything like that.

Perhaps the surveys in meeting each others needs could help.... they are on this site.

Have you tried therapy.

As a ww, try showing him your remorse and concern to make things better.

Hugs, H

Hi E,

Im a FWS. If I can help. Please contact me via email or maybe I can help you here. Please don't force any issues and don't take it personal if your H will not read the book. Reading the book for him is not justifying it but perhaps a painful reminder that indeed this A happened. My H would not read or look at anything initially. It took a long time.

Let him do it in his own time. Its still way to fresh and painful. Don't give up. Just go slow. Im confident you can make this work. Is H willing to try to recover from this or has he said he wants this marriage to end? BS's are shattered beyond words when they are betrayed by a WS, you have to really give them time and understanding and lots of reassurance. It's a long road but Im glad Im on that road, even with the bad days that get thrown in the mix.

You must use less words and more action. Actions speak louder than words. Right now your words don't mean alot to your H. Try not to talk alot, but do reassure him. Try to SHOW him you want to save your marriage. Believe me you can do it. It will take alot of time, energy and committment.

In time he will come to terms with WHY is happened and HOW but for now, give him some time and be by his side. Its very painful. Go Slow...

Take care of yourself too.

Good Luck
Zoey

ZachandZoey@yahoo.com

<small>[ December 14, 2002, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

thanks for the suggestion, I belive his response is how Luki and TMCM have explained. Reading about it would make it too real and personal.We don't watch movies with any infidelity ( or shows) at all. Too hard for both of us.Those other books sound better.

AS always I am very thankful for your insight everyone.

We have discussed LB and ENs I think a book about them would be more benificial.

I am the BS and I read SAA. I can't get my FWH to read it even though I think it would help him tremendously to realize all the feelings he feels are normal as well as all the feelings I am feeling.

He says he'll read it when he's ready but he doesn't like to think or talk about the A now - he's really going for the sweep under the rug and bury the rug plan! I really think it would do him a world of good but I can't make him.

I'm going to get Torn Asunder. My next Internet purchase since I went to two bookstores and they didn't have it!

His Needs Her Needs sounds good, too though.

Good luck.
DB

euphoria,

The road to recovery is very hard and narrow, as the one the understand MB, you should know that you should never ask your spouse to do anything that they are anthus. about (POJA). Now your dilemma what to do ? ... you are seeking for a better M and BS still sitting still. Here is my 2¢. You know that if one allow you to fillin their top 5 ENs, within 6 month or so he will be "in-love" with you ?. I would not push anything to H but fillin his ENs. I know it is hard and your taker could wake up and seeking someone else to fillin yours (dont' make second mistake) ... but this is your ammends to your H. For now, don't expect anything from your H for at least 6 months. Ask him to fillin LBQ, ENQ, RAQ ... start your Plan A clock from that point on. If you have specific questions on ENs, there are more veteran's on the other board.

Good luck. -rh-