Ok, here's a rough draft of the letter...let me know your impression and what editing might be good. THANKS!!
H & W,
I realize, sadly, that this letter will most likely only reach one of you since you two are apparently currently separated. I have also heard that you may already be preceding with divorce. I hope that’s not true, but if it is I felt compelled to share some things with you.
First and foremost my sympathies for what you all are going through. From personal experience we know it is hell. I know, H, that you spoke to me about our separation (and I believe we were divorcing at the time). I appreciated what you said very much. It’s my hope that I am not overstepping myself by sending this letter and that I might just offer some words to the two of you as well. I’m not sure if you knew, but just a couple of weeks before our divorce was to be final (December of last year), Tony and I reconciled. We’re still married, a family, and happier than ever.
That would not, however, have been the case if we had jumped quickly in to divorce. I highly doubt we would have come back together if it had actually finalized. We had been separated for over 6 months before we finally started moving forward, and we moved at such a snails pace that we had time to let the resentments and anger subside a little. Even though H and I were living our lives as if we were not going to be a couple in the future, with time we started to really come to appreciate what the other actually brought to our life, instead of just seeing all the stuff they didn’t. I say we…but mostly I mean me. I can be quite stubborn and hard headed, and I was blinded by my anger, hurt, and feelings I believed I had for someone else.
H and I saw two counselors. The first one actually did us more harm than good. The second one was great for us individually, but she practically talked us out of our marriage. It was her opinion that we were just too different. I will say though, if she hadn’t of done such a good job helping me become more emotionally independent, I probably wouldn’t have ever had the courage to disagree with her and come back to my marriage. She meant well for both of us, she was just biased. So if you’ve tried counselors and it hasn’t worked for you, don’t think it’s any indication that you just don’t work together. You’ve probably just had the wrong “help”. If you haven’t even tried a counselor then PLEASE atleast try. A marriage is just WORTH ALL EFFORTS, both for yourselves and your children.
The most help, and best information, we’ve had has been from the Marriage Builders website (
www.marriagebuilders.com) and from their books (and some books recommended there by others). I have most of the books they list there. If you’re interested in reading any of them, they’re yours, just let me know. They have books on tape, if you don’t have the time to sit down and digest a whole book. They are also the leading expert in infidelity. It’s a common epidemic, unfortunately, and hardly ANY counselors out there really understand the dynamics of it. I know ours just swept it out of the way as over and done with. So many people think that their marital problems are so different and unique from anyone elses – we certainly did – but if you read, or visit the forums there, you’ll see some definite reoccurring dynamics and similarities. The forums are where people go to talk about their situations and get help from others who have been there. It’s not like chatting, and the “whole world” doesn’t “know your stuff”. You get an alias (a screen name) and you can write and correspond with others. The help and information I received there has been invaluable. People really DO understand, and others really have been there done that. They also offer phone counseling consultations that are said to blow the socks off of any counselors anyone else has ever had actual in-office counseling with. Probly because they don’t drag things out forever…they cut right to the chase and get you on your way to making things better, one way or another.
We found that many friends and family distanced themselves somewhat while things were going on with H and I. They also didn’t understand many things because they HADN’T been in our shoes before. If either of you feel that too and ever need someone to talk to who HAS been there and does understand, even if you are certain things won’t change, feel free to call ANY TIME. Or if the Marriage Builders site sounds of interest to you, but you don’t know your way around and want some guidance, I’d be happy to help you around.
Some of the best books I have read:
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder – Recovering from Extramarital Affairs
His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters by Willard F Harley (Marriage Builders material)
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
I would guess you are probably both tired and just want to get over all this and on with life. But realize that the very same dynamics that led to the disinigration of your marriage will follow you in to the next relationship. And because of children you will still be dealing with your ex for the rest of your life. All the hurt you can’t find a way to get past now, will still be present then. As difficult and painful as it is to reconstruct a marriage…it’s still easier than not dealing with it and still being party to the pain the rest of your lives.
It takes commitment from two to really have recovery and a good marriage, but it only takes one person willing to make some changes and try something a different way to make a huge difference and get you on the right path, instead of the one your on. If EITHER of you has any wish to remain a family or any love left at all, please do something about it and don’t let the divorce speed forth.
Anyway, again, I hope I haven’t overstepped myself by sending you this letter. I hope, if nothing else, I can offer you some hope. We went through similar times, and many many other people go through this as well…and many of us HAVE made it. It’s my greatest wish that you will too.
Sincerely,
FWW
