The girls said I should post my story here to get some more advice, so here it is!

Long Story:

My husband is sleeping with a woman he works with- his employee, actually. I think he is in love with her.

We have been married for 6 years, we have a 3 year old son and I thought we had a pretty good relationship. For the last 3 years, though, I have not been "in the mood"...we have sex about once every 6 weeks...(I had no idea- he had to tell me that.) He expressed his discontentment with the situation many times- he even joked once that I was sending him out into the world with a loaded gun- I thought he was kidding. I know you will all say I am not to blame, that he made the choice to have the affair...but he warned me! I didn't want to see that it was a problem! I don't know why my sex drive has gone away- he's a handsome man, and I love him, and we have fun together...but thats another story.

So this other woman- I've met her, and she's 10 years younger than me, and pretty and nice and she is in the same line of work as my husband (which I find so dull) AND she golfs, and I think it's the stupedest sport ever...he golfs 3 days a week, and works 50-60 hours a week- so I dont see him very often- and she sees him all the time!!!

I found out when a friend called and said she had seen them together at a mall...she was about to say hello to what she thought was "us" only to find it was another brunette, that looked like me even!!!

I am so scared he will leave me for her!!! They have everything in common and we have less and less!! He is a wonderful father, and has been a wonderful husband until recently. He told me the other day that our problems have nothing to do with her- that even if he had never met her he would be looking around for SOMEONE! He says he loves me though, but he cannot live the rest of his life like this. He thinks we were always sexually incompatible, but he loved me so much, and he says I was such a wonderful person (and I told him before we got married that I was having trouble being open with him sexually because I wanted a commitment, but that it would be better when we got married...and it was, for a while...)

I dont know what to do- can someone help me? I dont want to lose him, but I feel like he's already gone.

Well, I think you came to the right place. I, too, gave my husband indications of my unhappiness, but honestly...neither of us had a clue as to what to do about it. Don't beat yourself up for missing his clues...learn from it and make the changes so it won't happen again.

If you're in to reading books, the book Passionate Marriage might explain some of the marital dynamics that might have led to your sexual supression and the feeling of not being in the mood.

It really does sound encouraging that he cares so much about you. Fixing the sexual part of your marriage is still difficult, but it certainly can be done. He needs to realize also, that for you to committment to meeting his sexual needs, you're going to need some committment from him towards working on your marriage.

I would also insist that he be tested for STD's. You don't want to be playing sexual russian roulette.

Don't let your fears control, or worsen, the situation. I know you don't want him to leave, but if you let your fear of him leaving keep you edgy and short tempered...he'll be more tempted to do just that. Him leaving would hurt, but you would live through it. Concentrate on the fact that he is still there and work with that. GOOD LUCK!!

Kat,

You're in the right place! There are wonderful, kind compassionate people here to help you.

It's time to become an expert on affairs. Good reads include Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs and Give & Take. All by Dr. Harley and can be purchased from this website. They ship fast from here.

I too became incompatible with H's sex drive. And, yes he gave me clues he was unhappy. That still does not justify an affair. In fact I believe having an affair is "conflict avoidance".

Fortunately in my case recovery is going well. I am really understanding what my role was in our marriage that put it into a condition that an affair could happen.

What I've learned that might be helpful to you is that I was in a state of withdrawal in our marriage. In MB terms there are 3 states of marriage. Conflict, Withdrawal & Intimacy.

I was in withdrawal which included less sex. I was in withdrawal because I didn't feel emotionally safe in my marriage to still be in the state of intimacy from when we first fell in love.

Now that recovery is going well and my H and I have learned so much - we are in a state on intimacy & behold I am far more interested in sex.

Not to say that it has been easy. It hasn't. I've had to face issues within myself that needed addressing a long time ago.

My husband still lives with the guilt of his affair. We're still on the journey to recovery.

Have you read the basic concepts on this website? I strongly believe in filling out the emotional needs and love busters questionnaires listed on this site. It gives you a starting place to find out what went wrong in your relationship.

Let us know how you're doing! Blessings CSue

Hi Katrina,

I saw your response to me, and I thougth, that is a perspective I never thought of.

Now, you think golf is the dumbest sport ever. I know watching it, is pretty dull. So I neve had an interest. I decided I needed to find more interests that we have in common. So, I will give golf a try. I was not able to sign up for lessons last summer. By the time my class ended, lessons were done. I told my H I will sign up this summer when I sign our son up. He wants to learn so him and dad can golf together. I hope he likes it. We are givng him Jr. clubs for christmas. H, is all infavor of me learning.

I recently told him that I don't like it that we have never gone camping, fishing, none of that stuff that I enjoy doing. I used to fish all the time with my dad. Since I have been with my H, we went fishing one time.

Have you tougth of taking up golf. A friend of mine thought it was dumb too, that is until her H took her with, taught her how, now she is hooked. She says it is fun to do, boring to watch.

Is there other stuff you and your H could do together? One of the things the Harley's recommend is having some common interests.

And you need to identify, the sex thing. I know, it was a slight problem with us. For me, it was I was angry at him, so I could not get in the mood. I had to get past the anger. Now, I am the one complaining about not enough LOL. But I suppose, since I come home at midnight, it is a bit unreasonable for me to want him to wake up. (I don't wake him up)

Hi Sue!

I have thought about taking up golf- but now that I know SHE golfs...I don't want to be in direct compitition with her! I need to find something new for us to do together! BUT- if I did golf, it would be hard for him to sneak off and golf with her if I was always with him...just thought of that:)

He actually bought me golf clubs a few years ago...as hard as I tried, I could not hide my disapointment and shock...I took it to mean he had no idea what I liked, and not that he was begging me to do something with him. Wish we had talked about that at the time...

Anyway...I think by taking lessons you'll be showing your H you are interested in HIM and what HE likes...and being with him. I'm going to take the lessons, and go with him, I just decided. Thanks for helping me with that!!!

Kat

You might be surprised and like it. If you take up golf and like it, then guess what, now he has not excuse to take her with.

I don't think my OW golfs. My H recently talked about us going camping this year. Well, we cannot go camping with her along.

I hate to say this, but in a way you are competing with her. Something as the wife you should not have to do. What other interests does he have that you might enjoy doing? What interests can you two do together?

We used to bowl on a mixed league. We have not bowled since our first child was born. (hes 9 now). I remember, we were single, at that time, an old girlfriend was causing trouble between us. She claimed she was PG by him from before they broke up, she miscarried, and was threateing to kill herself if he left her. (she was under the delussion they were still together. H was in school during this time. She used to show up to his classes to see him.) He didnt' know what to do, and I told him that there is no way our R, can continue while he is dealing with her. He has to get rid of her first. I joined a bowling league to have something to do. Next thing I know, he is showing up, and the team captain asked him if he wanted to join.

We used to play on a dart league also, except he did that to have something to do with his dad. He never really enjoyed that.

I cannot play softball, but I'm thinking about trying to learn. That is one thing I always wanted to do, but no one taught me how. I was too self conscious to join a team and learn that way. He keeps trying to get me to play on his mixed league that our neighbor plays on.