If anyone out there has had experience with a W who has had an A with same sex I would be interested in hearing from you. My W is having such and A now. I am convinced there is nothing physical but only an emotional affair - which is plenty bad enough. I believe the greatest difficulty is the fact that her actions are not clearly wrong when individually viewed. I cannot demand that she stop her behavior because it can be justified since theirs is not a physical affair. "This is the way women best friends act and talk to each other", is a difficult thing for me to refute with data. My opinion means nothing. Others who weigh in don't understand my wife's motives, according to her.

Specifically, I am wondering if their are any books out there that talk about this topic. I am afraid that information on typical, same sex affairs, might be less than applicable??? Also, if there are any men out there who have been through this I would really appreciate the opportunity to talk through some of this with you.

I think an affair is an affair.

IMHO, this site will help you and so will the books. Now if your w is changing sexual preference, don't know what can be done there... sounds like she is feeling like experiementing and maybe not getting all of her needs met at home.. not saying she is allowing you to right now...

Look at how things were before this started and see what you can do alone to change things.

Hugs, H

Put
Sorry that you find yourself here but you did find a place where people understand the pain that we all go through when marriages break down.
I have alot of experience dealing with same sex affairs. I was married for 16 years have two wonderful children and what started at first as a friendship for my XW ended being an affair that broke our marriage in half. I to a certain degree think that same sex affairs are actually worse not only on the spouse but family and children.
I would be very careful with that EA that your wife is having and I would try to lead her away from that woman slowly so that she don't think that you're taking her away from her.
If I can be of any help let me know I have been to the very bottom and have crawled my way back and actually feel good about myself again. Do you have any children?

Carl

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 08:46 AM: Message edited by: Carl ]</small>

Thanks for the replies: Carl it seems as though you have gone through precisely what I am experiencing right now. It has been a year and it started with two signs 1) W began getting close to this OW in church as co-leaders on a worship team. 2) W indicated to me that she did not feel or need same level of affection (physical and emotional) toward me as we had before. These things started at precisely the same time and W says this is simply coincidental. It got worse and worse with W spending a great deal of time either in my home or away from my home with OW. Perhaps I am naive but my wife insists there is nothing physical, they are just best friends, so I do believe her about that to this point (I have suspected anything and everything). They now talk every day on the phone and most of the time my wife isolates herself for privacy. I ask what they are talking about and she says just normal "how was your day" stuff, etc.

We have two children (girl 9 and boy 6) Both have independantly noticed the change in mom's behavior and have talked to me about it. They both indicate that when OW is around Mom is less patient and is more "sensitive" about things. My son tells me in his own words that Mom is single minded in her wanting to make OW happy and clean the house for her arrival and in wanting to do things that please her.

I have had suspicions about OW's sexual orientation for some time. W and I discussed this very early on and she even had her suspicions. She indicates they have talked about this at length and that there is no reason to suspect anything.

They spend a good bit of time IM'ing and e-mailing on a regular basis. I have been torn for several weeks as to whether or not I should snoop. On the one hand I think I need to know exactly what is being said. On the other I think there might just be conversations that will hurt me but will not give me any concrete evidence to confront W with "wrongdoing". I know you can appreciate that it is more difficult to deal with than an opposite sex affair, because that type of behavior has been societally stamped as an affair. Same sex "friendships" are harder to crack because the behavior can be masked as "best friends". If you are willing Carl I would like to exchange e-mail addresses and talk about this. Not sure what kind of support this site offers for such exchanges on a confidential basis. Thanks for your input.

Put,

trust your instincts / gut feelings.

Thinking of you

It seems to me that I am in a real quandry. Since my wife sees this as only a best friend her advice to me is to deal with it and stop acting the way I have been acting. With an opposite sex affair (PA anyway) it would seem pretty clear cut. This is wrong it must cease or our marriage will disolve. In my situation, how can I show my wife that in fact she is participating in an EA with another woman? If I can't do that then I am stuck in a non-ending situation wherein I feel extremely frustrated, angry and very, very hurt. Any suggestions?

Put,

Yes, I have a suggestion. Snoop, Snoop, Snoop, and then Snoop some more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is wrong it must cease or our marriage will disolve. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you honestly feel this is true then snooping can serve you well. True you may find out things that will hurt you and your children greatly. But, I ask what is the current situation doing? Seems to be causing you much pain already. Not only that, but the not knowing, the wondering, will drive you quite nuts.

I would not wait a day longer. Get the spy software for the computer. Go to Radio Shack and purchase a phoneline recorder. Then find out what is true for yourself.

Just a couple words of caution. 1)The phone line tap could be considered illegal in your area, check it out. 2)If your wife finds out what you are doing your marriage may end because of that alone(understand that point, privacy is cherished by most people including the WS). 3) DO NOT confront your wife until you have irrefutible proof that she is having an affair.

Lastly, a point you may have overlooked. Suppose she is not having a same sex affair. Suppose the reason they are so close is due to them both having affairs with other men??? Is this a possibility? Just thought I would mention it.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. I pray you are wrong. Please come back often and keep us informed.

jd

Putasunder
I read your response am I affraid to say that all the signs are there. My X accused me of being crazy told me all along not to worry about it that they were just friends. But like your situation my X was spending more and more time with her and not our family. The private telephone calls the giggling on the phone like two little schools girls were all signs to me of something happening that was eventually going to crush our family. It got to a point where I just had to know the truth. Was I going crazy? NO I tapped into her emails and IMing and I found out exactly what was happening and she still denined the whole thing.
I won't get into here if you don't want me to. If you need to my email address is C_grilo@hotmail.com

Carl