I had a question for you and the thread got deleted before I could post it. Now that I see you have been back, I will ask it.

Throughout the thread there was talk that you could not get a divorce for a year because of your religion. I will admit I had never heard of Bahai before but I went to their web-site to see what that was about and what the religion is about. Following is a cut and paste from their website:

If a Bahá'í marriage fails, divorce is permitted, although it is strongly discouraged. If Bahá'ís choose to seek a divorce, they must spend at least one year living apart and attempting to reconcile. If a divorce is still desired after that year, it is then granted, dependent on the requirements of civil law. This "year of patience," as it is known to Bahá'ís, is supervised by the local Spiritual Assembly, the local Bahá'í governing council.

If you are following the year requirement, how can you omit the "attempting to reconcile" part of this sentence and still be in good graces with the governing council. It says this year is supervised by the local council. Do they allow and condone this year to be spent living with another woman?

I hope I'm not intruding Becontent. I just had something to say to Mr Decided, and figured if he checks out this post he might see it.

Mr Decided, I too was decided at one time. Actually many many many times. I was SURE I didn't want my marriage, or atleast that it could not be what I wanted it to be. We came within a couple weeks of actually divorcing before I saw the REAL picture of how my future was to be.

What it came down to was NOT that my marriage couldn't be what I wanted it to be, but that my husband could NOT be the OM. Every time we got back together and tried to reconcile I tried to turn him in to someone he was not. Well, as time went on the OM proved himself not to be the person I thought he was....not that he isn't a good person, just simply not the soulmate I made him out to be in the fantasy in my mind. Once I realized that NO MAN, not the OM or any other man on this planet, would EVER live up to the expectations of my dream world I began to look inside. I started to realize that although my H had truly let me down, I let myself down more. He hadn't failed me near as much as I had failed myself.

Anyhow, I have my doubts that you are always truthful about how you are feeling with your OW. And if you are, I have my doubts that she's as understanding as you think she is. She went from trying to act as if she's understanding and gracious to a foul mouthed and completely insensitive little beast in a mere couple of posts. All it took was for your W to disagree with her version of how life is. She's clueless as to what she's REALLY gotten herself in to.

I remember well the flipping between going back and being a family, to heading out to enjoy a less responsible more "free" life. The free life looked pretty fun and good for a while. It didn't last.

I don't think you're really decided. I don't think if you KNEW that this OW was THE ONE that you would have gone back to be intimate with your W.

Anyway, good luck with your future. I wish you would take some time to look inward and see what failings it is IN YOURSELF that brought you, and your family, to this place in your marriage. Because even if you divorce and marry this OW...if you are still the man you were in the other marriage, it can still fail for the same reasons.

bump

Becontent,

Yes it's true the point of the year of patients is reconsiliation. And it is a time where we are suposed to be seperated and obstain from intamacy. Obviously this is asuming that their is not a theird party involved. The asembly body only knows what they need too. I didn't want my h to loose respect or his rights,so they do not know about the ow. I can't speak for him on the spiritual justifications he's makeing.And our year of patientce is not yet aproved, he still needs to met with the governing body.

My h is a very spiritual man. And like many other qualitys,beilifes, and values,that he once held dear, the fog now seems to have tanted them.

I don't know how this situation will turn out. Lately my life feels like a soap opera. The rolicoster ride from ****. I'm so tired I just want it to end one way or another. I want my marriage terriably. But I rather not go threw the emotional ups and downs anymore, Mr. Decided seems to be not so decided once again, and then I'm left here wondering what is real. His words do not match his actions. And the bit that you saw of him , well I was very imbarised. He is not that man, that man was an aragant jack [censored]. My husband is a very sensitive, loveing , sweet man, that loved me and our family more than anything. I hope some day he will be truley Decided, and it will be back home with us.

Decided, if you read this I want to tell you something.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND I WANT YOU TO COME HOME. I WILL NOT WAIT FOREVER.AND IF YOU WANT THE LIFE WE HAD , AND THE LOVE THAT WE SHARED, IT'S HERE WAITING FOR YOU. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

limited time offer,boundries in place, no trade in's allowed, no contact a must, and a deposite of love and commitment required. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ December 17, 2002, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: Heavy - Heart ]</small>

H-H

Only one thing... you are not offering the life you had to him. You are offering a BETTER marriage and therefore a better life than you had before. This experience has made you grow in all respects and the way you are handling it shows to me that you will have a better marriage.

Be well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by becontent:
<strong>

If you are following the year requirement, how can you omit the "attempting to reconcile" part of this sentence and still be in good graces with the governing council. It says this year is supervised by the local council. Do they allow and condone this year to be spent living with another woman?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe its the cafeteria plan?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

UC,

Very true. He knows that already, though. I feel I can't say to much here for obviouse reasons. But I'm more confused than ever. Sometime this week maybe I can share with you all the new developments. Though I'm takeing everything with a grain of salt(I think that's the saying). I don't know what else to say.

But , yes a BETTER life than before. With consiteration, no love busters, and netheir of us takeing for granite the other. The ow knows nothing of our life before, just as she knows nothing about me.

I spoke with her several times and know how she really is, well at least the scary qualitys that she has. I'm nothing like her, I do not have those qualitys, nor would I ever want them. She can say anything she likes. How commpashionate she's been etc.. But if this is her showing me connpashion I would hate her showing me contempt. Her perseption is her own. And I feel she has to hold on to it, b/c the reality would be to much for her to handle.

My h, well I can't say to much there. Though it seems he has boughts of clarity.

I hope he ends up happy , and I know I will too.

Even though I feel he is the love of my life.