My husband stated that he was unhappy with me, the house and life in general and says he needed time to think. He said that since we have been married for 12 years that he gave me enough time to make the marriage work and says he is not interested in working on our marriage. He said he has 2 choices 1) Get divorced and be happy or 2) Stay married and be unhappy. WS spends all of his free time (for the past 4 months) with a single co-worker who he calls his good friend.

Although he says he does not want to work on our marriage, he does things that shows he is willing to work on it. For example, he filled out the EN Questionnaire 2 months ago and he has read through my needs. But he says that he does not want me to meet his needs right now. He has read HNHN and SAA along with listening to the Quick start tape twice. He refuses to see a counselor as he says there is nothing wrong with him. My question is, Why does he say he does not want to work on our marriage and yet still agrees to fill out the needs questionnaire and read the books that I suggest? He is really confusing me.

lj,
Is he having an affair with the coworker? Unfortunately, noone here can tell you what is in his mind and why his actions don't match his words. That is pretty common behavior with a WS. If you have both filled out EN's questionaires do you know what his needs are? I would identify his EN's and do the best Plan A you can. And while the situation doesn't sound good, it is certainly not hopeless. You have come to the right place.

LJ, Do not know if this helps, but my WS filled out the EN and the LB's questionares with me a week before I caught him with MOW. That is what threw me for a loop, why do that knowing what he was doing of going to do? (Just the way they act when they are in the fog). I found it odd that your H would tell you he did not want you to fulfill any of his EN, that brought a redflag up for me in reading that to suggest to me he is not being so honest about everything going on around him. I could be reading to much into it, but what normal feeling being would not want their needs met by their wife unless something was hindering that??

quote:
He said that since we have been married for 12 years that he gave me enough time to make the marriage work and says he is not interested in working on our marriage
What?? The last time I checked out the protocal for a happy marriage, was BOTH people tried. That is a cop out for him as far as I am concerned, and if anyone has been on this earth long enough, then they have learned, noone can MAKE a person happy, it comes from within themselves to be so and others can feed that need thru love. He's throwing too much blame on you LJ, and that is not for you to bare!!!

Then he states he does not want to work on M, well isn't he contradicting himself by reading the books and doing the questionares? He sounds like he is doing the typical "fog shuffle". There are so many people on here that are hearing and experiencing this that you will get plenty of support and guidance. I'm glad you are posting and reading books. Take Care and best wishes.

Melody Lane,

Yes, He is he having an affair with the coworker. As far as I know it is only an EA but it has been going on since Aug. He has worked with her for 4 years and hated every second working with her. Then he comes home one night and tells me she is the nicest person he has ever met. He apparently put tires on her car (someone stole the tires off hers) and no one has ever done anything like that to help her and he was just wonderful. I, on the other hand, never admired him for anything that he has done in 16 years (his words). You can probably guess his #1 EN is Admiration. It is hard to admire him though, when he is only around to sleep at the house and shower in the morning.

His second EN is Sexual satisfaction and he has said that sleeping with me clouds his mind and he does not feel like being romantic with anyone right now. So, how can I possibly meet this need?

Affection is his 3rd need and he could care less whether I hug or kiss him or show that I care. At least that is how he appears. So, how do I go about meeting these needs if he does not want them met by me?

Neesha,

You are right...the hindrance is the OW - a single co-worker. She is admiring everything he does and he can't get enough.

As far as the M, he said you should not have to work at it, it should just happen and if you have to work at it then we aren't meant for each other. He said it is so easy to talk to the OW, she does not judge him and there is no stress. He feels that our marriage should be that way too. I hate the FOG! He is throwing ALL the blame on me. I got over that guilt quickly though and started working on myself immediately. He saw the changes BUT says I will change back.

Thanks for the replies, I truly appreciate all your help.

lj,

He may not let you meet all of his EN's so you have to focus on the ones that you can and do the best plan A that you can. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to break up the affair? Is the OW married?

The OW is single, 36, short, dumpy and not attractive at all. Totally opposite of me and I cannot for the life of me understand why my husband wants to be seen with her. He never even gave attractive girls the time of day and always said I was everything he wanted.

There is really nothing I can do to break up the affair. Unless you have an idea?? She knows he is married and has 4 children. She also knew I was pregnant and just gave birth to our newborn son.

She lives in an apartment with a roommate and my husband feels as though this girl needs him to take care of her. She claims she has no family or friends to take care of her. She is acting like the damsel in distress. He knows I can take care of everything here at home along with the kids and even said how "tough" I was after giving birth to our son.

As far as EN...Any ideas on how to fulfill Admiration? I tell him he does a good job when he fixes things at home or helps with the kids but he looks at me kinda strange. This is where I had been seriously lacking in our marriage.