I posted this in divorcing too but we're not there yet (I hope). I really need some feed back and help.......

Just four days ago my wife of 4 years (been together 9) told me she was unhappy and didn't think she loved me anymore. She said she was thinking about leaving me. The day after I was totally broken inside and out. Then I came home from work and in desparation looked on the web for help. I found this site and was encouraged to try and save my marriage by "basic concepts". My wife is in the withdrawl stage. Unwilling to talk or listen or give us a chance. I even printed out the entire "basic concepts" for her to look at but she just won't. She says she doesn't want to try. I didn't even know that we were in such trouble.
From reading basic concepts I realized that we had had trouble communicating for a long time. I had become a "taker" while she has been mostly a "giver". I was particularly interested and encouraged by tips on how one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy from withdrawl. I know it's only been four days since the true nature and depth of the problems between us have surfaced but I'm not even getting the slightest hint of and encouraging response. She insists that it's too late and she's pretty much made up her mind she's leaving.
I'm trying sooooo hard. I'm giving everything of myself I can think of. I'm taking her out to do things she enjoys, I'm doing all the houshold chores, I'm trying to hug her and tell her I love her every day as much as I can. Nothing though. Is this normal? How long does this behavior usually last before she takes down her emotional barriers. If anyone has any insight into this I would appreciate it. There's nothing in life I want more than to save this marriage.

-Help me-

PS. There's never been any physical abuse or infidelity to my knowledge. I don't toally know what went so wrong. She won't talk.

tellmeitsnottoolateforme:

It's not too late for you. Sounds like you have a chance if she hasn't moved out yet... show her that you love her and adore her... continue to do what you are doing.

Try to see if she will try counseling...

Keep an open mind, she may have had an Affair- this sounds like affair type behavior.

Hugs and hope, it is not too late, these concepts along with giving and giving and giving can save your marriage. Be prepared to be the giver for a while.

I hope you have some faith in God, that is where my true strength is coming from. Give her to God, you can't change her or make her different. Do what you Can do, work on you and being the best you you can be, for her and for you.

Be strong and take care of yourself , this will be a rollercoaster and quite a ride.

My spouse acted totally insanely, and I do think it was the affair that made him so ready to walk... nothing else, the a.

Hugs and hope, Honey

I thought of it being an affair but I just can't figure out when it could have been happening. I know where she is all the time. We spend almost all of our free time together and I can account for what isn't.
I asked her to get counselling and she's turned me down. I keep telling her I love her and holding her. Tonite she asked me why I'm torturing myself. She's hurting me so bad.
She hasn't made any move to leave that she's told me about. We're still sleeping in the same bed. I'm just hoping that my behavior will somehow get through to her.

Hi There
Welcome to MB
It may also be helpful to post your message in Emotional Needs or Recovery. Between the 3 Forums you should get great help.

Glad you found this place. Its a GOD-SEND. I too, like Honey, feel its not too late for you and your wife and especially if there has been no A.

You can really save your marriage. All the tools you need are right here on this site and there are so many good and loving folks to help you that are in the same boat as you are.

Is it possible to set you an appointment with a counselor? Would she agree to at least go or commit to a few sessions. Also discuss with your wife that you would like to go over your Emotional Needs list together. Tell her you want to know what you have been doing wrong and want a chance to correct it. Tell her you truly believe the marriage can be saved. You need to really listen to what she tells you. Have a good heart to heart with her.

Now if she is acting like she is adamant and foggy, please look further. I pray that she has not had or is not thinking of having an A. That is why its very critical you get right to work.

Its a great sign that you reached out and found this site.

I was the WS in my marriage. I had the EA. My husband and I are in recovery. Its a tough, long, hard road but its worth it.

Good luck my friend
Zoey

P/S

Check back during the day. Nights and weekends there are not too many people logged on. Hopefully you will get more responses in the morning.

Praying for you. You are not alone.

I've tried to talk to her a bit everyday. She's totally put up a wall between us. This morning she told me to just leave her alone for a couple days. What does that mean? Do I still try and do as much as I can and try to be near her? Or do I just stop trying to get her to talk for a bit?
Asked her point blank about sleeping with someone else this morning. She swears no. Asked about seeing a counselor and she said "no way".
Looks like I'm just going to have to bring her back to me all by myself. I'm so afraid it can't be done. Has anyone out there done this successfully? I'm afraid I'm going to run out of ideas to try and get her to open herself back up to me. It's very hard. She (as I do as well I'm sure) has major issues confonting problems.
Where do I go from here? Is pressing her to talk about our problems every day pushing her further away? I'm being very calm and non threatening and non judgemental (perhaps one of my past problems when trying to get her to talk about things) but she just won't have more than a few words with me and hardly says anything at all.
Sorry for rambling but I soooooo confused and hurt right now I can't think straight.
BTW I'm very new to this board (last night) and don't know what all those abbreviations are.

tell me its not too late for me,

Hang in there. Read all this site has to offer. Establish a support system: family and friends. But be careful about who you share your problems with. We can cross that bridge later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We spend almost all of our free time together and I can account for what isn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is good. Are you currently spending all your free time together? What about work?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Asked her point blank about sleeping with someone else this morning. She swears no. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That still doesn't mean that there is no affair currently, or one in the past. I hope that I am wrong on this. I would not ask any more questions of this type w/o proof. Whether you want to snoop is another matter which others on this board can advise you on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is pressing her to talk about our problems every day pushing her further away? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. No R talk, just be the best H you can be.

At this point I would recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and get into M counseling on your own.

Here is a link to some more info:

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

Another thing, best the best H you can be, but do not act weak or sulk around her. That will only drive her away. If you feel the need to vent do it here or in individual MC. JMVHO. Keep strong.

Hi- It sounds to me your W is behaving like a "Runaway Wife". There is a therapist named Michele Weiner-Davis who talks alot about the best way to deal with this. She has a terrific book out called "Divorce Remedy' which would really be helpful to you. And she has her own website that has online articles about "Runaway Wives" who just up and decide things are over all of a sudden. Be sure to check out her website and get that book- I think her advice would be the best available for you right now. And DON"T try to press your W to read anything yet- I know my H was totally unwilling to go to counseling or read anything when he was in the withdrawal stage. My H just wanted OUT, OUT, OUT at the time. At least that's what he THOUGHT he wanted. Fortunately I got the help I needed to figure out how to handle things and eventually he came around and began to want to work on things.Don't try to fix your W right now- learn all you can about creating a good marriage first! Take care- lifeismessy

I agree with the runaway wife idea. I've also seen it called the 'walkaway wife' syndrome. On this site, it's also called the 'giver snap.' One spouse (often the wife) is fully in the giver mode, and it goes on for a very long time (even years), until one day that spouse 'snaps' and decides they are done. No more to give. Don't even want to try. Does it sound like this is where your wife it at?

In addition to the Divorce-busting stuff, you might try doing a search of the forums for the walkaway wife or giver snap concepts. You might also want to read the article on 'Why women leave men.' You can reach it through Harley's article list, or there is a link to it on the forum page (there is a forum devoted to discussion of the article, but no traffic). Also, there is an interesting post I suggest you read about trying to bring a spouse from withdrawal to intimany. It's called
The Cat

Don't pressure your wife too much right now. If you've truly had an 'awakening' you can start making the changes that you want to make in your life. But if you change too quickly, too drastically and push these changes on your wife, she may see it as a manipulating tool. Don't do anything different now that you aren't willing to do forever, or she may see it as a ploy to get her back, and not trust that you'll keep the changes.

Personally, I don't think lots of heavy relationship talks and big promises are the way to go right now. Don't do things that pressure her or push her away, because living in the same house gives you the best shot at marriage recovery. Acknowledge that you've made mistakes and hurt her, and accept that this is how she feels right now. Meet only the Emotional Needs she is willing to let you meet--if you push other things on her, it will be seen as a Lovebuster. Start with small changes, and give her some room to see them.

Good luck,
Martes

OK I've read all the helpfull posts from all of you kind people. I've visited the links suggested and I'm trying to formulate a plan. First of all I'm going to make an appointment to get counselling over the phone from marriage builders. What I do next I'm not sure. I've gotten many suggestions that I should give her the space she needs. To stop trying to talk about what went wrong and stop trying to hug her and tell her I lovee her every day. At the moment this seems like an insurmountable task to me. We've been through many problems together and no matter how hard things got everything was ok when we held each other and said "it's okay honey I'm here for you". Every time one of us hit a rut in life the other one was there to help. I guess thats why I just can't understand whats going on. We've come so far in life together as a team. Overcome all odds together. We came from having nothing but each other to everything we could possibly want. Maybe I guess we've been losing touch since we've become so successful. I just don't know what is so bad about our marriage. I love her more than anything in the world and have never neglected to tell her that. I thought I always treated her like a princess. I talked to my parents today about this and they were in total shock. Everyone that knows us thinks we're a perfect couple. They asked (like you people) if I thought she was having an affair. She has said she isn't and hasn't and I believe her. I trust her completely. My stepfather suggested I just tell her to get out of the house if she's going to hurt me like this. I said I couldn't do that. I really want to work this out but I'm feeling so empy and alone and helpless. Someone posted that I have to be strong and not sulk or mope. It's so hard to do. When I look at her all I want to do is cry. I can't remember the last ime I cried and now thats all I do...like 10 times or more a day. I'm going to give this everthing I've got though. It's all I can think of to do.
Anyway thanks for listening and trying to help everyone. I'll keep you posted and asking your advice. Someone told me to vent here instead of dumping on my wife so thats what I'm doing.

Thanks

Some details for you all. I see everyone posting these:

Married 4 years
Living together as a couple for 9
No kids
Both work

OK so I've spent the last few hours thinking about the advice I've gotten and what I'm going to do. I've decided that I'm going to step back and just be as considerate as I can to my W. I'm going to stop trying to get her to talk, stop telling her that I love her and need her all the time and stop hugging her. I'm just going to let her be alone. This is flying in the face of all my feelings right now but seems to be the consensus among psycologists who try and save marriages (been doing alot of reasearch). I'm also getting some MC by myself to help me get through this. My W for now is still in the same house and the same bed as me. It's only day five after what I've been calling the "bomb" she dropped on me. I'm going to put all my emotions and instincts on hold while I'm around her and just leave her along unless she approaches me first.
I have two questions:
1st does anyone think this is a crazy approach besides me?
2nd Should I explain this to her so she doesn't think I've given up too or just do it?

Thanks all

I agree w/ the other posters, but also think you should especially read up on Plan A on this site.

john39:
I've looked aroud the site but can't seem to find out in detail exactly what plan A is. It's probably right in front of me but my concentration skills right now are horrible.

Thanks

Go to the Home Page of this site, Click on the words "Search our site" at the lower right-hand corner of the red header area, enter the words "Plan A" in the search area, and it will find 33 html pages of information for you.

Read through them until you think you "get it". Then take a week, try to apply what you've learned, after which come back and read some more. Then, and only then may you post a question on the Plan A/Plan B Forum Just kidding about being forbidden to post until then. however, if you DO that, I bet you will quickly realize that you know more about Plan A and Plan B than a lot of the other posters...

Knowledge is power...if you use it.

Seriously, the LBQ and ENQ are probably going to give you a surprise or two. Her too, maybe. Usually (not always) the sexual history things only bite you when your spouse's EN's are not being fulfilled, either because you don't understand what they really need, or they are withdrawn to protect themselves from abuse or control.

I am going out on a limb a little bit here, because you have only given us a small amount of data, but you sound like you could be a conflict-avoider. If so, you should pay particular attention to the part of the Basic Concepts section that talks about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). You will never get what you want if you don't tell her, and telling her won't do any good if she does not enjoy it, too.