I am the WS, had a EA that turned into a one time PA. All this happened last year. Since then my H and I have stayed together, me trying, him not. (He tried the whole time I was in the fog.) I have really turned myself around. I go to a counselor once a week. H will not go. He says that he doesn’t want to make the M work anymore. I show him how much I love him each day. My question (and I plan on talking to my counselor next week about this too) is should I just move out and give him the space he desires? He did ask me to move out twice before but stopped me before I left. I don’t think he’ll do that this time. I’m scared that it will be a big mistake but at this point I’m willing to do anything. It’s strange to me because I feel like he’s in the fog that I once was in.
Thanks to those of you who respond.

LWH,

If you want to save your marriage, I think moving out is NOT a good idea.

I don't know your circumstances, but the fact that he has asked you twice not to leave shows that he wants you there.

Maybe you would share more of your story with us so we can get a better picture of what is going on.

Why would you move out? I wouldn't suggest doing so unless he insists. He is probably going through a serious recovery period and could very well come through this. If you move out, its unlikely that the marriage will ever recover.

If you were withdrawn from him for quite some time, then there is probably an enormous amount of anger towards you. You can help him get over that by continuing to show him as much love and committment as possible. He probably needs to be greatly reassured by you before he will trust enough to reinvest himself in the relationship.

But I would stay put and just do as much as you can for now. Be as patient and understanding as you can. You also have 2 sons, I noticed, and they need both of their parents, so I hope for their sake that you can work this out.

LWH - am I right to assume your sons are young (based on your ages)?

Observation for other long time MB'ers: Doesn't this drive you nuts? One extreme or the other, why? That is, when a former WS wants to rebuild, the BS doesn't? ....or maybe we only see those FWSs who come here looking for help and their BSs haven't "accepted" that infidelity can be overcome?

I don't think you should move out. Sometimes separations can be helpful, but I believe if anybody should move out, it should be the one not working on the marriage - especially when children are involved.

Are you sure he's not having an affair of his own?

What was the state of the marriage before your affair?

If either of you moved out, where would the boys go?

Have you suggested to your H that he visit this forum? Assuming your marriage should be recovered, I'd love to explain to him the pain of "losing" his family.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I'll try to fill you in.
Our kids are 13 and 6.
The whole thing EA - PA lasted 5 months.
During it my H suspected but of course I was in denial and fog. I am the one who came out and told him the whole truth. Since then I have tried very hard--changing things within myself, seeking out a very wonderful Christian counselor, etc.. To make matters worse, after I confessed all of this my H admitted to me that about 8 years ago he had a EA with a co-worker. I suspected it then but he assured me it was nothing. Now he feels like we have both screwed up and should just move on.
Our M before--really good but we did have issues with me being more affectionate, needing more in that area, him not being that way. We had a few spats about that.

He assures me that there is nobody else. Says that he wishes there was because it might help me understand more of why he feels this way.

I DON'T want to move out, I only sometimes feel like maybe it would help.
If I did move out, I would go to my moms with the boys and we would share them.

WAT,

Could you do a separate post on this anyway? I woud find it very helpful.

One more thing I forgot....
I have not mentioned MB to H. He just still seems so angry and I don't think it would do any good right now. I have bought Surviving Infidelity and he won't read it. And he won't go to counseling.

And I've suggested he move out for awhile to see what he wants and how he feels and he won't.

I made the mistake..I move out.

LWH - what kind of a Dad is he? Loving? Involved?

I can't for the life of me figure out what more he wants, unless there's some important item you don't understand or have not communicated to us. Are you SURE he's not having an affair? Guess he could be depressed. Has he seen a doc?

kily, I'm not sure what you're asking for, but if I had a chance to talk to LWH's H I'd attempt to describe how my family went from a couple and two sons to one son split between two homes. One of my boys died and my wife fled her pain into her best friend's H's arms. I got ZERO choice in either loss. I busted my a$$ trying to keep my remaining family together and lost. Now, LWH's H has a chance not only to keep both his boys, but his full family as well and he has a wife willing to make it all work and he's choosing not even to try!! What an idiot! I would've given ANYTHING for that opportunity. He should just imagine what it would feel like to see just one of his sons half the time. Really imagine it. Pick one, then the other. And don't forget the confusion and pain of the surviving son. What would he be learning from his Dad who chose not to try? Since he still has two boys, just double that.

To LWH's H: look at your family and imagine them gone.

WAT

WAT

Thanks. That was exactly what I was looking for.

I know that you have felt very deep losses in your life. I thought that sharing your story might help people realize just how much they are giving up when they choose to walk away from recovery.

Thank You.

To WorthATry---

I have said this before on other posts. The only other thing is that I work with the OM. Now hold on a second and listen to me.....
I work at a school in the office. One of my kids goes to school here with me. I have talked at length with both my bosses. They know the whole story. I work directly with them. They have offered to talk to my H. My H even acknowledged that that was a big step on my part. And I have told my H that I will look for another job (14 yrs at this one). But that if he wants a divorce then I need this job for awhile for money and insurance. My H insists that this is not the reason that he doesn't want to try. He even said that if he does want to divorce he wants me to have my job because I've been here so long and make good money.
Let me state that my family means more to me than my job. I also have to think about my kids (which I didn't do before or I wouldn't be in this mess) and can't just quit because they would have to switch schools.