I just wanted to say a little something to all you BS’s out there.
(I am the FWW whose H tried very hard to get me to see what I was doing and who finally came out of the fog and now my H is mentally and physically drained and has nothing left for me. He doesn’t know if he wants our M now or not.)

I just want you all to know that I have read a lot of threads out there to help me understand what I have done to my H and my kids and to help me to see how my H is feeling. My eyes have been opened up. During my A I was not me. Looking back I don’t know who I was. It makes me sick to think about it and how much I hurt my H. Just reading your posts has helped me so much. You all are trying so hard and are wonderful, strong people. I wish my H would come here and read. We are 9 months past D-Day and are not in recovery. Oh, how I wish we were. Your spouses will one day see what they have done and what special people they are missing out on in their lives. I now see that but it might be too late for me.

For those of you in recovery, give it all you have and keep loving each other.

For those not in recovery, don’t give up. I’m not.

Happy Holidays

Living, how long did it take you to "wake-up" and realize it was not you? You might have posted it somewhere but I don't remember reading it. Did you come to MB when you were still in the A or after you became commited to saving M? And the final question, ( I know, questions, questions questions) What do you think made you come out of it and also how long did it exactly take for you to do so, and tell us some of the awakeing triggers to help us BS's that our WS's are way out there and totally ignoring that we live in any shape or form let alone even act human towards us? So could you please take the time to help us, and maybe we all can help each other in helping your H get back on track himself. We all know that you can move mountains if you have the desire and will to do so, so he has to get that type of thinking back. Thanks so much for posting.

I cannot tell you enough how proud I am of any WS who finds MB, posts, tries to change and turn their life around. Especially, in spite of the fact that BS doesn't come here.

You are truly a wonderful person and just hope your S comes out of his FOG (yes, I believe we have fog, too) and figures it out before it's too late.

At least you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you tried. I know he tried too, but it really wasn't fair because he wasn't dealing with a rational human being at the time (no offense, please).

My FWH doesn't come here and oh, how I wish he did. The A is over and we are in a state of recovery but.... I wish he would come here.

Good luck to you. I think you are great!
DB

Thank you both! This is an extremely hard time for me and my family and to know that I caused it makes it even more painful.

Neesha--I will answer your questions...give me about 15 minutes and check back.
Thanks..

Living,

Can you call my W and tell her your story?
Can you call her and tell her the *fog* IS real?
Can you tell her it is the fantasy that makes her feel the OM is the love of her life?
Can you tell her what she is destroying?
Can you tell her the last 10 yrs of our lives have not been a waste?
Can you tell her that the next 10 yrs will be a whole lot better if we both make it so?

I can go on and on. I have to tell you I am very happy for you, but it is unfortunate that your H reached that stage. I am starting to reach it myself. My last hope now is to go to Plan B so I don't lose the love I have for my W. Now it is your turn to be strong for him, for your M. Don't pressure him, don't force him, read the principles in this site and apply them. Do Plan A.

You've come a long way, help him regain that love he has/had for you.

Be well.

I am sort of new to MB so my story isn’t posted anywhere. It’s a long one and full of hurt for my family.

My H and I have been married for 12 years next week and together for 16 years. We have two boys 13 & 6. Our M has really been good and especially good the year before this happened. (Weird to me and H) There were emotional and physical need issues that we had always had. Me needing more than he felt he could give. I guess I’m just a needy person when it comes to emotionalness (is that a word?!) and physical affection.

We started having some get togethers at our house in November of 2001 and everyone was a couple except this one guy I worked with. He was going through a divorce (his wife left him for OM). I started listening to his problems and that’s how it started. I became the person that he looked for to help him. I should have cut that off really quickly, but I couldn’t see it happening. My H even asked me a few times if something was going on…of course I denied anything. Honestly I really felt like we were just friends. Nothing had happened at this point. We were just talking. I didn’t realize it was an EA. I don’t think I had ever even heard of an EA.

Around December I started pulling more toward him and moving away from my H. Our 11th anniversary was at the end of December and my H knew I wasn’t happy. He took me away for the weekend and tried his best to talk some sense into me. I actually felt loved that weekend and vowed to myself to cut off contact with OP. I wanted my M. The month of January was pretty uneventful. My H was wonderful, showed me love, kindness, affection. He was the world’s perfect husband. I didn’t talk to OP except for a little here and there at work.
February, things got worse. I felt stuck between two people and didn’t know what to do. I really wanted to die. I told my H that I wanted to move out because I didn’t know what I wanted. I moved to my mothers house. I ended up staying there for two weeks. My H was devasted. He had been showing me everything I have ever wanted..how could I have given up on him? I couldn’t see that. I was in the “fog”. Of course I didn’t know what fog was then.....

Part 2 coming……..

Part 2--
During the time that I lived with my mom (2 weeks) I went to OM’s house and we had sex.
I felt horrible. My H was a wreck during those two weeks. (He didn’t find out about the sex part until March.) He called me crying, wanting me to come home really bad. During that time my husband also felt it was a good time to tell me the truth about an EA he had aprox 8 years ago. That’s a whole other story, but I suspected it then but he kept telling me “we’re just friends”. Well, he told me the truth then because he hoped it would help me to realize what I was doing. It’s weird to me now as I look back, but I had no feeling then, no emotion. I was so unlike myself it scares me.

I did come home but I still wasn’t trying really hard. I felt horrible about this secret and still had some feelings for OM… and of course I saw him everyday at work. I had told OM that I was at home and I needed to work on my M. I was stupid and thought “ok I can have my marriage and be friends with him too…this can work”. WRONG. It doesn’t work like that.

One night in March my H and I were having a conversation it came out and I told him the truth. It was awful. We both cried and cried. I actually had feeling that night. We stayed up the whole entire night crying. The next day I went to work and he stayed home from work. When I came home he was a mess and at first he told me that we needed to separate and we started figuring who would have the kids when, etc….. Then we figured out that we would try again.

I had still talked to OM on my cell phone a few times and my H blew up at me. That was when I started to come out of the fog. I printed off all my cell phone bills and showed them to him in tears. I made an appointment with our priest. I tried to do anything. I was desperate for our marriage.

Since then things have been not too good. The OM and I still work together. I know that is strongly not recommended but there are other issues.
To show my H how committed to our M, I went to both of my bosses (who I work directly with) and told them (through a lot of tears) the whole story. They were wonderful. Didn’t judge me and offered to talk to my H. They both had suspected this last year but had seen the big changes in me and OM—the fact that we never spent any time together anymore and were staying away from each other.

My bosses are actually a great source of support for me now because they desperately want me to stay here. I work at a school and one of my kids come here to school with me. That’s the main reason that I can’t just quit all of a sudden. My kids will have to change schools.

I have told my H that if he commits to working on our M then I will look for another job. But if he’s going to Divorce me then I need stability (14 years here) and medical insurance, etc…..
The OM doesn’t bother me at all. That is completely over. The fog for me is gone and now I look back and think—“what in the **ll was I thinking? Who was I?

Honestly, it is very difficult for me to know that I did this to my family. I turned away from my H when he was trying his best to come to me and give me what I needed.

The past three months have been hard. I started seeing a Christian Counselor. I go once a week. That has been wonderful for me. It’s helping me to realize my mistakes and helps me to deal with what my H is feeling. H won’t go with me and says he may never.
We pretty much just live in the same house. Not much affection. He just isn’t ready to work on our M and doesn’t know if he will ever be able to. I rejected him over and over. The pain is too great.

It seems as though now my H is in a fog of his own. In a different way. I am determined to keep showing him my love and commitment for our M and family. Hopefully one day he will see that I mean it. I’m not going to give up.

Everyone here on MB has been wonderful.
Thank you for listening to my story. I’d be glad to answer any more questions.

Welcome to MB!!!!!!

If one of your children were gravely ill ... if he had stopped breathing ....would you wait to see what might come of it?? Of course you would NOT. You would do "whatever it takes" to save your child's life .... you would call 911 and do CPR, and whatever else became necessary.

What you and your husband have on your hands now is a family crisis ... and your family needs CPR.

Tell your H this family crisis CPR analogy. Ask your H if there is anything he will NOT do to save your family.

Tell your H this ....

"I will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to restore our marriage and earn your trust."

Repeat often.

best wishes.

Pepper

Living with Hope,
Thank you so much for your story, you have given me hope (and probably others here) that my WH will some day come out of his fog. I do understand that your H is physically and emotionally drained, I'm geting there. Unfortunately, I'm getting too tired to fight for myself right now and just figure for now till I get some strenghth that I'm just going to have to live this way. As someone else said, they wish that you would call their spouse, I truly wish that you could write my H a letter so that he could see what he is doing, he swears they are just friends but I have a recording of her saying what she did to him (sexually). Maybe you should write a generic letter on this board for all of us to print and send to our WS. My H would never come he and read, he would probably have a fit if he knew I was here. Thank you for coming here, I think you can help some people here.

All of you are amazing to me. I see in you what my H was trying to do to me last year. Keep trying...don't give up.

Utterly Confused--Can I take ALL of you home to my H?!!

Pepperband--Your words that you bolded are great. Our 12th anniversary is the 29th and I posted earlier on another post for help with writing an anniversary card. Those words would be really good.

H doesn't really want to do anything for our anniversary so that day coming makes me very nervous.

Living each day with the pain that I caused my H is very hard. Counseling is helping with that. Each new day I feel like giving up but coming here helps give me another dose of strength.

Thank you Living, for taking the time to tell us things that I know is hurtful and still taking its toll on you. I am very respectful of anyone who has been a WS that takes the time to post for their healing as well as to help anyone else heal or feel that there is hope left somewhere in their relationships. Thanks and welcome to MB.

Utterly Confused---Something else I forgot to add...

Thinking that the OM is the love of your life...
That is so true...In the fog that is what you think. I can't tell you how many times my H tried to get me to see that it was just a fantasy.
The OM was a person who I had known less than 3 months. My H and I have been together for 16 years and shared the birth of two sons. What was I thinking?????

I pray that your wife comes out of her fog soon.

LWH said: "Pepperband -- your words that you bolded are great."

Sweetie ... those are Mr.Pepper's words ... my FWS.

He convinced me to stay and try with those words (over and over and over again)

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

LWH -

I also want to chime in here and say THANK YOU for posting your words.

I love my wife very much, and I do want her to be happy. I just wish she could read your words and realize that, while today she might be happy with OM, one day, she will probably realize what she has left behind.

I have been so willing to address what was missing in our M and learned so much in the past few months, and I feel like she's just fogged and not doing anything but whatever makes her happy at the time.

Reading that your eyes one day did open to what you've been doing to your family, and seeing that you've come so far, even to MB, to understand how to resolve things, is hope for us all. Especially for guys like me, with a WW currently separated. I'm in the lowest demographic as far as reconcilation goes, but reading your story does give me some hope.

Thanks for posting here, and let us know if we can do anything to help. Hopefully your husband will come around and work with you to make your M better than ever.

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LivingwithHope:
<strong>H doesn't really want to do anything for our anniversary so that day coming makes me very nervous.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just do not get your hopes up for anything. I knew that my WW did not want to do anything for our 16th Anniversary but I at least thought I would get an acknowledgment that it came and went. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Even knowing that, I was still disappointed when it came and went with absoutely nothing. I did give her a gift and card. Nothing expensive as she was/is at a point where gifts and afffection are LB's to her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Imagine that.

But is you go into it expecting nothing and actually get something then it has been a great day indeed.

I admire you for the courage to come here and tell us your side of the story. It helps us BS's understand what is going on in the minds of our WS's and gives us hope that the FOG does go away.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> There's an idea! I can get my WW a FOG horn for Christmas.

To all of you who have responded to me. Thank you.
For a long time now I have felt like a horrible person. I know now that I'm not. I'm human and so is my husband. With counseling and MB I am feeling better each day.

Pepperband--When I just read your last thread, my heart skipped a beat.

I'm not giving up...Thanks all of you...

I am grateful to all FWS's who come to this board and give their input and support. It gives me hope that my FWH really does see the pain that he has caused me even if he can't always verbalize it.

I agree with doing Plan A. Give him the opportunity to fall back in love with you - so to speak.

God Bless!

Living,

We'll make you a deal... You can take all of us to your H if we can take you to our spouses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My W met the OM in March and by April she knew this was it, God put him on her path, etc. They had not seen each other since May until Thanksgiving and in this time period she *decided* she did not want to be in the M but instead wanted him. He is her "partner" not her lover, or boyfriend or anything else. In fact, she's not even having an affair because our marriage was invalid it's only a piece of paper. It does not matter that we married in a church before God. According to her, God knows our M is not valid because she didn't know what she was doing and we didn't do it right (the M).

I'm afraid the A has turned physical as of Thanksgiving but I don't know that for a fact.

Anyway, just giving you a little taste of my story. I'm still hanging in there with my hopes still up. You have reaffirmed what I've been hearing all along about the fog.

All I want for Christmas is for the fog to start lifting.

One day at a time. Thanks again.

Utterly,

Thanks for your post. I'll take the deal!!!
Your W is not thinking in her right mind. It is the fog. Something that I didn't say earlier is that I found MB while I was kind of still in a little bit of the "fog". All of you helped my fog completely go away. My eyes opened to what I was doing.
Hang in there and I want the same wish for Christmas.
I think I need more like a miracle......do those exist??
One day at a time.

miracles do exist. They happen every day in ways you least expect it. Believe, a larger miracle may yet happen soon.

As far as the fog is concerned, I have another question for you. My W says that even if the OM doesn't work out, she would still not change her mind about not wanting to be with me. "I don't want to be married to you," she said to me last weekend. In fact she told me that when she was with me during the summer, she felt she was not being faithful to him.

Did you ever feel anything like this?