Isn't that what so many of us BS want to tell our WS and have them understand?

I think that if my wife could truly put herself in my shoes for a day, with the tables turned, and truly feel what I'm feeling, it would go SUCH a long way. I don't even know if she'd have been able to hold up as well as I have.

I want her to honestly sit back and think of what she'd feel like if she discovered that I was seeing a female co-worker behind HER back. And then, worse off, if I continued to do so even more aggressively AFTER she found out, right in front of her! In her current fog, I guess she wouldn't be able to understand what that might feel like, but months ago, when our M was at its best, I wish she could imagine what something like that would have felt like to her.

Along with that, here's a list of some other questions that I'd love to have answers to right now, but that I know I can't ask my WW:

Do you regret starting the A?
Do you regret not ending the A on D-Day?
Do you miss me?
Do you ever think about coming home to work on M?
Did you ever take our M seriously?
Was I ever your type?

So many questions, but stuck in the distant Plan A I'm in, not anything that can be asked. Sometimes I just wish, whether my wife is going to come back or not, for just a few moments of honesty from my wife, and the answers to all of these questions. Right now, even if I DID ask, I couldn't even be sure they were real (probably not).

But it does feel good to get it all out here anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyone else, thoughts?

ALS

I would love for my WH to be in my shoes for even an hour. He would blow up, I'm not sure what he would do first, either strangle the OP or leave me. I have thought about making him believe that I'm having an A, just to bring him out of his denial. It's probably not a good idea. Good luck to you, ALS!

My WS could not handle it mentally, emotionally or physically!!!! I could bet on that!!! Isn't that the irony? And then put the shoe on the other foot (try too!!) Do you think if you were the WS, that we would act like they do or are?? I don't think I would have, I would hope I would have acted more sensitive to what lives I have destroyed. What do you all think, let's try seeing what the BS come up with from that perspective. Should be intersting, and even though it's a stretch there might be some wisdom that comes about with it.

Hi All, I know all of you read my story.. Thanks.
Right now your spouses can't feel anything that's real. I know b/c I was there. When I was in the middle of my A, all I could think about was myself and the OM. I had known him for only 3 months and I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. It makes me sick.

My H understands how EA's can happen...he had one. But mine went to a PA and that he'll never understand b/c he stopped his before it went that far. That's why I might never get my chance at recovery.

Please don't give up hope.

Hi.

I hope you don't mind inout from a former cheater.

XBF and I had this conversation over the weekend. He asked me point blank how I would have reacted if the roles were reversed. I wanted to share my response with all of you.

My answer was in two parts and it went someting lke this:

If it had been you to have the A, and I was the person I used to be, I would have probabaly lost it! I would have treated you ten times worse than you ever treated me. I would have stalked you, harassed the OP, and I would have LB'd intil I was completetly empty inside.

Then I answered:

Being the person that I am now, and knowing what I do today, I'd like to think that I would be supportive of what your needs were that drove you to the A. I would let you go to make your own decisions, and gently remind you that you are loved and wanted. I would try to trust that you know what choices are right for you, and I would pray that eventually you would decide to come home.

This is basically how I treat him today as he has started a "new: relationship with someone else. It's difficult, but I love him enough to step away and continue to Love him from a distance.

In answer to these questions:
Do you regret starting the A?
Every single minute of every single day.

Do you regret not ending the A on D-Day?
I forced D-Day because I wanted changes to happen. I was tired of living in the Chaos. Yes I regret not stopping then.

Do you miss me?
All the time. Especially at night when I am alone and you are with your newfound love interest.

Do you ever think about coming home to work on M?
I would get down on my hands and knees and walk ten miles that way if I thought for a minute it would allow me to come home.

Did you ever take our M seriously?
I wish we got married. I never valued that commitment the way that I do today. If I had the chance to show you how much t means to me, I think you would never have any doubts about my love for you and our family.

Was I ever your type?
Always. I was too ANGRY to realize that you were EVERYTHING that I wanted and NEEDED in my life.

Thanks,

This hurt, but it's nice to say what I feel and not get trashed for it!

Kily,

If only my WW answered all those questions to me the way you did. If only I was able to ASK her those questions without it being a LB today. Maybe someday, though who knows. I fear her stubbornness would prevent her from ever being that forthcoming with me. Though we can all hope!

It's really hard when, despite all your WS has done to you, and how much you know, you still love them and want them back, and they just don't seem to care. For example, I know PA is ongoing and lies continue when we talk. But I STILL feel I could take her back. I wish that meant something to her. I wonder why it doesn't.

By the way, I think the hardest part of the "Do you miss me" question for me is that my WW seems to be spending so much time with OM in her new apartment, I worry that she doesn't have time to miss me. I think, if she truly had just given herself some time away from us both, she could have had a clearer mind on everything. OM being there for her so much is not making any chance of her wanting to come back any closer to a reality.

I just continue to hope that one day, maybe soon, the chance at a future for us would outweigh the guilt she would face in coming back. I wish there was a way she would let me show her that she has a good home to come back to. I hope she starts getting in contact with me more often.

ALS

<small>[ December 18, 2002, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

I've wondered this, too. Just today while I was in the shower, as a matter of fact. It got me thinking how far reaching it is ... how many lives it's touched. I'm convinced that my wife feels it's between me, her, OM and OMs g/f (and that's being generous). My count shows it's affected roughly 30 people on our side alone (including each of us, immediate family, mutual friends, and individual friends). Now, of course, add in those affected on OMs and OMs g/f's side. It's maddening.