My WS will not eat dinner with his family. He has been eating out for over 4 months. He was home for Thanksgiving and we had a wondeful meal. I asked him when he planned on eating dinner with us again and he said I don't know. I just don't get it. He is having an EA with a single co-worker and the dinner bills are quite high. He has no problem taking her out and spending over $100 on dinner but when he was home, he would search for a coupon to reduce the cost of the bill. AND he would have a heart attack if the bill came to $100 for his entire family. Why all of a sudden does he have no regard for his spending habits? His usual lunch at work was a piece of pizza or he would skip lunch all together. Now his lunch bills are $30-$40 since he is paying for his "friend's" lunch also. I am wondering when this will stop? I would think he would want a home cooked meal with his family and tire of eating out.

He also says that he loves his children and wants to spend time with them, especially his new born son. This is the reason he said he moved back home right before his son's birth. BUT since he moved back home, he comes home anywhere from 12am-2am in the morning. So, he spends no time with the children other than kissing them goodbye in the morning. I would say that he has held his son 3 times since he has been born (he is now 1 month old). So, why bother coming home at all? I am also getting annoyed that he just rolls in whatever time he pleases and acts like nothing is wrong.

Anyway, these are just 2 of the things that are bothering me for the moment and just wanted to know if this was normal for the WS.

ljl, normal? only for a cheating spouse. And a newborn in the home needs more of the money he's spending on his friend! I would be furious about the money going out while making you and children do on less! If you have access to the acct. take the amount out that he is spending on little dolly. Each time he spends $100 or $50, go take the same amount out, When the bills can't be paid, let him worry about it! Better yet, transfer a lot to your own name. Because you're going to need it for yourself and kids. Have you confronted him with all this spending?
I can't speak from being an expert, except in pain. But it's time to tell him to not come home, and file separation papers, demanding support for you and children. When he has to pay the bills and you, he might not have the funds to keep dolly in the style she's become accustomed to!This man doesn't deserve one break at all. And you're the on who deserves time away since you're a new mom. You need the nice dinners out, babysitters and such. Every new mom needs time for herself, and a few luxuries to boost her morale after having a baby. Sheesh, his dinner would be over his head! and hers too!LouLou

I think you need to seriously consider Plan B. This man is cake eating. You have 4 children you are taking care of. Him living outside the home will be no different to them than what they are experiencing now. And how can it only be an EA if he isn't coming home until 2 a.m.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I think that you need to take care of you and your kids and give him a wake up call. I am pro-marriage, but what he is doing to you and those kids calls for drastic measures.

Get an appointment with an attorney asap.

I know you love him, but faced with the reality of paying expensive divorce fees or giving up the OW, most men get bounced back to reality. This is NOT the time to be nice when money is involved.

ditto KS

I haven't read your story, but I've read enough above to want to bop your H with a 2 X 4.

I'll look for other posts of yours to understand more. Specifically, what's the status of the OW? Married? Co-worker? How long has this been going on? Could your H support himself AND you and the kids if he moved out?

What do your in-laws know about this? Are they located near you?

OK, I've read your other posts.

This is a full blown affair, certainly PA, but the EA part is worse. All likely driven by a mid life crisis. You'd be surprised how many scum guys do this right around the birth of a child. He is reading the WS script perfectly.

Here are my suggestions:

Please do not believe any of his criticisms of you. He's playing the blame game in order to justify his actions to HIMSELF. That said, address his criticisms - fix even the most trivial ones that you can. In short, eliminate any of his excuses that you can. This is all part of Plan A.

Continue Plan A, consult with an attorney on how to protect your assets and/or how to unload the new SUV. Also discuss potential legal separation.

The problem will likely be that you cannot legally force him out of the house, but you don't necessarily need to do this anyway.

If you are close to his mother, consider confiding in her.

Finally, but most importantly, get a counselor. The MB counselors are great and you can do it on the phone while home with the kids and they'll understand the interuptions.

Keep posting and learning.

You cannot break up the affair. What you can do is whittle down his excuses via Plan A, take legal steps to protect your finances, and expose the affair to the light of day.

WAT

LouLou - I am furious about him spending the money on his OW. He even took OW out for an expensive dinner the day after our son was born. There I was in the hospital eating hospital food and he was out with her. It really hurts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you confronted him with all this spending?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I confronted him with his credit card charges and the withdrawals from the checking account. He says nothing other than " I have to eat" or "It was a business dinner". I am tired of hearing that.

When I took money from our account he went ballistic. He said I was stealing money from him since he was the one that worked. Mind you, for 16 yrs. everthing we had including money was "ours", now it is all "his". I had all the joint credit cards either closed or transferred to my name. I felt sorry for him tho and gave him one of my cards.

There is not money to w/d from our accounts. He alreay has our checking account in overdraft status. He also bought a new vehicle last week, without telling me. We had talked about purchasing another vehicle prior to his A and we decided that it was not practical and we did not have the money to pay for it. Well, he borrowed money from the OW for the downpayment and bought the car. He also is keeping his Miata. So our insurance is almost double now. When I asked how he ws going to pay for the new car, he said "Don't worry about my bills". So, I won't.

He wants me to make the decision for his as to what we should do with our marriage. When he brings up divorce, he always says "Is this what you want?". I do not want to be the one to give him the answer by filing for a separation. At some point, the money will not be there for him to spend but he also alluded to the fact that he will "file bankruptcy". We have perfect credit and worked hard all these years to keep it that way. It was very important to him to keep the bills paid and watch our spending habits. Now, he just doesn't care.

onlyUcan - I am considering plan B. Not sure exactly how to go about it tho. I was thinking of starting it after Christmas so that he leaves with a good memory of his wife and kids. The kids are really starting to be affected now. My 4 yr old is acting out in school, my 6 yr old has totally shut down and will not talk about things and my 2 yr old was totally potty trained and is now regressing and having many accidents. I talked to H about this and he said "Don't use the kids against him" or "Don't blame things on me". He will not accept responsibility for his actions. My 4 yr old also said that she was not buying Daddy a Christmas present since he is not home with us. My 6 yr old said she would buy him a present because he is "My Dad".

KS -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you love him, but faced with the reality of paying expensive divorce fees or giving up the OW, most men get bounced back to reality. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has been getting a lot of divorce info from the OW and his new divorced friends. He believes eveything will get settled out of court and split in half an he will get the kids on the weekend. I don't think he realizes how expensive it will be to pay child support for 4 children and the mortgage. He has not spoken to an attorney but I wish he would to get the true facts and hopefully force him back to rearlity. I have told him that I will not get a divorce.

worthatry - How can you tell that it is a PA? I guess I have been denying this from the start but eveyone elso who knows hime, including his Mom say it is just an EA. The girl is not even his type, she is fat, short and ugly. How can I be sure that it is a PA? He has denied this from day 1.

I have been trying to eliminate all excuses for him to blame me for his actions. Each time I have scewed up, he has thrown it in my face and walked out the door to be with the OW. He noticed that I changed 2 months ago but is afraid that I will change back to the "old me". Should I continue with Plan A? I was thinking it was time for Plan B. He already told his Mom, that I have to get used to his "friend" in his life and that if I gave him an ultimatum, he was walking.

If I consult an attorney, isn't that giving him what he wants? He wants me to make the decision for him. If I file for separation, I am the one ultimately deciding to end the marriage. Then he will be free from guilt.

My mother-in-law knows every detail of the A. He will not listen to her and told her that he loved her but will do what he wants to do. His entire family know what he is doing to me.

I have counseled with Steve one time but I do not have the money to spend. I had gone to a counselor that our insurance covers but it was horrible. I felt worse when I left their office.

Can you explain to me what you mean by "exposing the affair to the light of day"? He knows that I know he is with this person all day. He told me he was sleeping on her couch for almost 3 months. He does not hide his credit card receipts (he puts them where I can see them). His family and friends know what he is doing and they try talking with him but he will either not listen or not return their calls. I don't know how this can be exposed any further.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worthatry - How can you tell that it is a PA?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's obvious. No logical reason to believe it's not. You don't really believe the "sleeping on the couch" story, do you?

But this doesn't matter. Legally, it's adultery. He's demonstrated the pre-disposition and admits the opportunity. EAs are actually worse for recovery. PAs are more symbolic and "define" adultery, but get far too much weight placed on them compared to "innocent" EAs. Assume his is both EA and PA. Your actions should be no different. Explain to his Mom that EAs carry the extra weight of feelings of love that are FAR more difficult to counter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I consult an attorney, isn't that giving him what he wants? He wants me to make the decision for him. If I file for separation, I am the one ultimately deciding to end the marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No - far from it. I follow your logic, but I recommended "consult" an attorney - not file for divorce. An attorney can advise you how best to protect yourself financially which is your first legal concern and most pressing non-relationship matter. Yes, I believe you should also make preparations for a legal separation. A separation document can clearly state that you do not desire divorce, but it would also be a binding contract stipulating such things as child support and division of financial obligations. This can also specify certain other expenses he must support - like counseling for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you explain to me what you mean by "exposing the affair to the light of day"?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like this has happened if his family knows the truth.

Save all those credit card receipts and any other hard evidence like cell phone bills with itemized calls.

Your logic is sound in wanting to avoid being the one to file for divorce - this allows him to blame you. But guess what? - he's gonna blame you no matter what. Nevertheless, don't file unless you WANT a divorce.

A legal separation is another matter, IMHO. Ideally, he'll be the one to decide to move out - again - if this has to happen. But in your case, unless you can somehow "separate" yourself financially, he'll exhaust your assets. As bad as that can be, it may represent good news in that it could be money alone that interests OW. He goes broke and the affair goes bust.

So, do not try to prevent him from moving out if he "threatens." Be prepared with an attorney, a separation document - specifying he "abandoned" the family - new locks for the doors, and a Plan B letter. Plan B is not an option for you until he leaves.

The ideal situation for you is to gain control of finances with the help of an attorney and keep him in the house until you can't stand it any more. Then figure out a way to get him out, if at all possible.

WAT

WAT Thank you for the advice. I will consult an attorney regarding the finances. This really is my main concern at this point because he is putting us into debt.

I believe a legal separation would also force him to see what he is up against as far as child support and expenses and how his standard of living will change. I do not want a divorce, I have said that since day one. He knows that and is testing me and pushing me, by all his actions, to get me to change my mind. He said "Well, I guess I am just stuck in this marriage".

I have all the evidence I need...receipts, cc bills, phone bills, bank statements...But I love him (not who he is right now) and I want to make things work. I know he is confused right now but I will not let him destroy what we have established for 16 years. Although he feels everything is his now, we both worked to get where we are. We both decided when our first child was born that I would be a SAHM. Now, he feels I should be supporting the household too. I operate an online business but have not been able to devote time to it with the birth of my son. I told him that if he was home to help with the kids, then I could generate more income. But I will not help pay the bills as long as the money goes to feed the OW.

If he plans on leaving, I will be ready this time.

ks,
faced with the reality of paying expensive divorce fees or giving up the OW, most men get bounced back to reality.
So you think she should play games (file for divorce to get him to wake up) to try & get her husband back?

Don't file for a divorce UNLESS you WANT a divorce.

ljlingerie,
I confronted him with his credit card charges and the withdrawals from the checking account. He says nothing other than " I have to eat" or "It was a business dinner". I am tired of hearing that.
It matters not what you show him as proof, he will deny everything.

I will consult an attorney regarding the finances.
As WAT said, make sure you tell this attorney, you do not want a divorce and are simply trying to assure your financial protection. Lawyers tend to tell the client what they need to do rather than the client telling the lawyer what THEY need to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Lawyers tend to tell the client what they need to do rather than the client telling the lawyer what THEY need to do.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well stated by Chris.

Let me amplify: Right off the bat, the lawyer will likely assume you want a divorce - and further, will be very surprised you do not given your circumstances! Make sure the lawyer understands this!! If he/she treats you like you're abnormal - go to another one. Like society at large, lawyers have an assumption that infidelity = divorce. They make their money with cookie cutter divorces. Marriages that recover are not good for business!!

You want to prepare for separation and financial protection - period. Nothing more for now. The lawyer will get his fees for this - the same hourly amount as if you were going for the full Monty right away.

Echoing Chris - make sure the lawyer knows what you really want.

WAT