Hi folks, things have been rolling along well past a year now, doing great with W. Received the following messasge today from OM:
on email:

"They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you will never forget and remember to send it also to the person who sent it to you. It
is a short message to let them know that you will never forget
them. If you do not send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and that you have forgotten your friends.

Jack, Merry Christmas to you and your family and have a great new year.
Regards,
Joe."

I almost fell over and not sure how to respond. Past advice on this site has basically been "forget about the jerk" but I am kind of sappy to begin with. Here is my PROPOSED response , stop me if I am nuts OK?

"Joe-

I’ll tell you the truth, I considered you as good a friend as I’d ever had, right up there with my life long buddies like Tom or Scott. I really loved you more like a brother and there is nothing I would not have done for you. In the past year amid all the personal pain and devastation I’ve actually felt bad for you and figured that regardless of who was at fault you must be hurting too and believe it or not I wanted to reach out somehow but couldn’t find a way. I think the hardest part for me personally was having to deal with two betrayals not just one. It was easy to see and accept responsibility for how I had failed as a husband but I couldn’t figure out how I failed as a friend. There is an odd sense of imbalance now in the fact that Mary and I have had such wonderful healing and reconciliation, for which I am fortunate and grateful, but with you and me it feels like there is an uneasy sense of unfinished business, and for that I am sad. Maybe it is business we never want to revisit and wouldn’t do any good if we did. I am not sure.

I guess this is more of a response than you probably wanted, but Merry Christmas, I wish you the best.

Jack"

What do you think? I am not making a move without you!

JACK218

Jeff

I think it's obvious he's making an effort. Is he worth the response? Would a simple thank you be a more appropriate response? I don't have the answers, either. On it's face, I think your response is well crafted. I just don't know if you should send it.

Jack, I think that sounds very insightful on your part, and I also think he wanted to open up some lines of apology and recognition of the pain he caused. Maybe I'm as sappy as you because I do not know to what extent he went to during their A that would make the email sound "fake" as far as his true feelings, but I think that it is a personal choice for you, if you really mean what you say than I say send it as I like how you worded the part about "unfinished business and being sad for that and that there has not been healing done on any level between you and him as you seemed to have been like brothers once. JMHO.

Jack - If he truly meant it and deserved a response, he would have composed his own original email instead of sending you an Internet chain letter. JMO.
DB

Jack - I agree with DB. Besides, opening yourself up to the possibility of regaining your friendship with the OM also means that your W will also be exposed to him again. Why risk what sounds like a good recovery by intentionally exposing your M to more triggers? My advice, for the 2 cents its worth: do not respond back to him in any way at all, negatively or positively.

Neesha-

Does it matter waht his true feelings were? He had A for 2 yrs and loved my W, during that time were good "friends"

dazed-

I know what you mean about composing his own message but the guy is very dumb, almost childlike, and I think this must have been a very difficult first step.

All-

I don't want to renew friendship, but I am interested in helping myself to move along since this seems to be the remaining area of pain, and if I help him, isn't that good? Righteous people don't need help, sinners do.

Jack

Jack what you posted in your posts back to us was what I was asking you in a round about way..see you answered your own question.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Jack
I was waiting to see if some of the "older timers" posted a reply... Have you posted this question on the recovery board? I think you might get additional insight from there, since some have probably gone through this.

My personal opinion is that your proposed response, while very well said and thought out, is a little overkill at this point, considering what "Joe" wrote to begin with. Maybe it would be better held until a later interaction with him. DazedBlonde and 3xLoser both had valid points - will opening this dialogue bring more harm to you (and your wife's) recovery???

<small>[ December 19, 2002, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi Jack - You were kind enough to respond to my questions some time back regarding my wanting to forgive the OP. I really admired you for the way you handled forgiving the OP, especially your telling him you had forgiven him without being asked. I thought it was awesome.

I love what you've written as a response. It shows how much you cared for your friend, and as you said, there is nothing you wouldn't have done for him. I love that you said you could understand having failed as a husband but not how you failed as a friend. I think that is something he should probably know. It does seem as though he's thinking, but it wouldn't hurt to have him think a little more.

I too don't think that becoming friends again is the answer here, but that's obviously not what you're looking for. At this point, I think it's all about you. In our case, the OW was only a friend to my husband, she was never genuinely a friend to me. At least that part I am thankful for, although I do realize (in retrospect!) that she had no business being his friend exclusively.

I do feel that there can be healing by saying what's on your mind, as you do. If you think you'll feel better by sending your response, than I think you definitely should. You have already shown me that you're a bigger man than many would have been in your situation. I find nothing wrong with letting him know how you feel. He should know, in my opinion.

Sincerely,

MT

Thanks all, and for the kind words maybetomorrow
i will check out the recovery board too. Yoo know one big difference between now and back then is that tonite Iwill happily dicuss all this with my W in good spirit with no emotiona baggae, ok maybe a little bit, but upbeat I guarantee you.

jack

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack218:
<strong>
"They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you will never forget and remember to send it also to the person who sent it to you. It
is a short message to let them know that you will never forget
them. If you do not send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and that you have forgotten your friends.

Jack, Merry Christmas to you and your family and have a great new year.
Regards,
Joe."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi again Jack - I was just thinking that I really did not address just how hokey I felt the e-mail chain letter portion of his message to you was. It strikes me as really odd, especially since it asks you to send it back to the sender. Sort of putting words in your mouth, I would say. JMHO. Personal words on his part would have been more sincere. But I do think the intention was there...

But then you did address the fact that he's not real bright. Maybe this was the best he could do. Sounds like that's the case.

I was in a somewhat similar situation prior to the EA. I feel that I lost a "friend" due to my H discussing our problems with her. She then decided he was right, and I was wrong, I guess. I initially thought his indiscretion cost me a friend of many years, but after giving it more thought, I realized I didn't lose a friend at all. A friend would not have listened to him and turned on me. She was not my friend, I only thought she was. And I must tell you, I struggle with this one - I have always wanted to tell her how I feel, and how this affected me, but I never have.

IMHO, Joe has proven he is not your friend. I think your reply is a considerate way of telling him how you have been affected by his actions. Nothing wrong with that! In any case, I think that those who have hurt us should be aware of the pain they have caused. And like I said, this is about you. If it will help you to say these things, I'd say go for it. I don't think I would want it to start any dialog between the two of you - maybe you do?

But this sure goes against the NC rule, doesn't it?? I am looking forward to hearing your wife's thoughts on this. Please keep us posted.

MT