Decided to step out of all the fog in my life and look only to clear skies. New beginnings, tis the season, new resolutions, all the good this time of year offers, and for many, all the bad.
The density of my WW's fog combined with my own personal fog and the cold winds of maritial bliss, well a storm's a brewin on the horizon.
I've turned every light on I could find. What have I done? I started by interupting and finishing the script I keep hearing. I've been asking questions that I need answers to. I explain my feelings and why I feel that way. I share the my most intimate thoughts. They mainly consist of Love, Pain, Anger and Hurt.
When you are faced with the fragilities of Life and Love at the same point time, the very essence of who you are changes. I decided to start my new life armed with only simplicity and the desire to make the best of the time that will be afforded me by life. Yea, a new light has shown on my life.
I flicked on a few lights for my W also. I flashed light on her life of screcy. I put the spotlight on the A and the OM. I shared knowledge and perspective of her friends, the OM and the situations she finds herself in. At times I am able to do this calmly and constructively, sometimes it escalates, only black light shines, confussing but helpful upon reflection.
She still would not open up and start talking. I know talk is cheap, but communication is not. Also, actions speak louder than words, in this instance, they are saying all the right things. I just kept barraging her with everything though.
No juice left to keep all the lights going so I pulled the plug. Nothing left, I told her that if she can't be honest with herself and me then that's it. It's over, I'm ending it now. After a weekend of sweet bitterness, I was on my way to the lawyers.
I droped her off at work (oh yea, heated discussion on the way) and had to stop at home before I LEFT or HER. Not in the door 5 minutes the phone rings. "I don't want it to end but I just can't..." I said stop there. We will talk. We talked, I listened. I heard her version of recent events and a lot of admissions.
She cracked open like an egg and spilled out everywhere. She told me things she held inside that she thought would destroy me, stuff she could not tell me, everything. I resiprecated by listening but with understanding, compassion and caring. I was focused on discovering the real problems that hold us apart.
Funny how her version of events fits as well as my perceptions and interpretations of what I know, think and feel. Consideration time again, this time with the light of openess and honesty.
For me this will truely be a season of relection, good and bad, but the anguish and turmoil in my reflection is being replaced by sense of peace I have come to realize inside.
If you take anything from this post take only honesty and communication. I am in a unique position to gamble as I did but time and circumstance influences me greatly. My time is now, if it works or not time and effort will tell, but I will still feel, and face each day the best I can.
WAT - you are right again, OM is pond scum, ignorant at that. My W sheepeslessly admitted she had to explain meanings of certian words to him.
