I was asked on another thread what made me change my alcoholic ways and become a 'new' person. I did not want to steal that thread so I'm starting one here. I'm hoping that those who are involved with someone who has an addiction (WS or BS) can see some hope during the holidays...

A snapshot of my story:

I am an alcoholic. It goes back in my family for 5 generations. As far as I know, I'm the first to 'quit drinking'. My addictions became worse from 1996 to 2001. I've always had alcohol in my life, but managed it, or my usage was considered normal in the group of people I was with. From 1996 to 2001 my drinking was my affair. It swept me off my feet and allowed me to forget that my M was failing, my health worsening, and my life was out of control. Alcohol had me in it's jaws.

I became resentful, withdrawn, self righteous, and a pompus [censored] to be with.

On Oct 11, 2001, my boss came to town to tell me that inspite of my record achievements, I was on the verge of being fired. Not because of performance, but because I was jerk. That same evening my wife of 20 years told me "I love you, but I am not in love with you". And was not sure, but a divorce was probably what she wanted.

Folks, that was my bottom....

I was hit with a right cross, then an uppercut. I layed on the mat for a week asking to die. One afternoon I was driving through the hills of Arkansas and realized I had two choices:

1. End my life
2. Change my life

The next week I attended my first AA meeting and I am 14+ months sober. One day at a time...

That's my story short and sweet. How about yours?

Gib

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

Hello Gibby,

Congratulations on being sober for 14 months. That is an achievement of which to be proud! I am the child of an alcoholic. My Dad was given a choice by my Mother when I was only 7 years old--his bottle or his family. He chose his bottle. Although he wasn't a mean drunk or physically abusive, he was defintely an absentee father for most of my life. It wasn't until after my Mom's death in the late '80's that I finally got close to him and any lingering resentment took a powder, so to speak. At that time he was terminal with liver disease. Amazingly, after 40 years of being an alcoholic, he still would not admit to a drinking problem. Simply amazing.

I am now married to a sexual addict; was previously married to a sexual addict. Although the addictions are closely related and the causes can be the same, sexual addiction is definitely a horse of a different color. My previous husband made no effort whatsoever to change; he is simply content with his life as an addict. I was drawn into the addiction (copendency issues.) But by the time the marriage ended, I was no longer in love with him and hadn't been for years. He had destroyed anything even resembling love on my part.

Upon discovery of my current husband's addiction (believe it or not, I didn't have a clue....) things are defintely different. I love this man beyond limit, and we are working through recovery. So now, I get to my answer to your question.

What made my husband finally admit his addiction and seek to change was the last short-term affair. In the addicts mind, and maybe you have seen this firsthand, he leads two separate lives--lives that have nothing to do with each other. As my husband puts it so aptly, he is like a tree that branches off into two different directions. One branch is his addictive life and behaviors. The other branch is our life together, our families and our marriage. In his mind, he totally separates the two. He rationalized the typical--that what I don't know can't hurt me. But with the discovery of the last affair came the "rock bottom" he needed to hit to finally admit, verbally to me and others, that he has suffered from this sexual addiction for years. It took seeing the devastation on my face, the pain I was experiencing, and the thought of nearly losing "us" that finally woke him up. For other addicts, this wouldn't be enough to shake them up--fortunately, for my husband, it didn't take a suicide or an endangering situation to see the light. Simply the thought that, "hey, this does affect other people, and my two lives are not separate," was enough. Thank God. Also, the realization that he was exposing not only himself, but me too, to the risk of STD's, HIV, etc. was a pretty scary thought (OW had been having sex with him and many others--all kinds of sex--you name it. He had no idea--he thought he was her only lover.)

Sorry for the ramble, but your post really made me think about our situation again this afternoon. It made me realize that maybe we are one of the lucky couples who rebuild and start over. It remains to be seen.

Thanks for the post, Gibby, and good luck with your journey through recovery.

Take care,
my move

My Move said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In his mind, he totally separates the two. He rationalized the typical--that what I don't know can't hurt me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My Move - Thanks for the reply. You are so right. That was part of my thinking too. In my warped mind I was saying to myself, "I provide a six figure income. I am a good father. I buy my W nice presents. I am a great guy! Now pass me another drink!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Two lives - the responsible me, and the escaping me...they were separate.

Thanks again My Move and good luck!

Gib

Gibby,
I am sober for 17 years and I quit when I ran out of lies and excuses. I finally hit a wall and couldn't even fool myself about my drinking anymore.

I was a housewife with 2 small children and one night while my DH and children were asleep I decided [in a drunken stupor] to go to a bar by myself. That's really all I remember except standing in the driveway later with a strange man who was kissing me. I heard my DH yell out the window "get your GD hands off my wife."

That was it for me!! I was so ashamed I couldn't look myself in the mirror for a month! My DH drove me to my first AA meeting and told me that I would never drink again as long as I lived with him or I could leave. I was so devastated and scared at my slutty, shabby behavior that I was willing to do anything to avoid that embarrassment again. I would have never done that sober and was horrified at my behavior. I was in a cold blackout and to this day do not know who that man was or how he ended up in my driveway kissing me.

Anyway, that was bottom enough for me and I have been in AA ever since!

Hey Melody, thanks for being here and sharing with us. I hope people will see that we all have differnet bottoms (no pun intended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !). Most of us had to reach them in order to facilitate change.

I hope this thread turns into a small beacon of hope for those in a marriage with an addicted partner.

MelodyLane, if you don't mind answering this...Once you decided to quit drinking, was it hard? For me it wasn't. The drinking was easy to give up because I finally saw what I was losing and how much it meant to me. I'm still riding that 'pink cloud' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Thanks again Melody.

Gib

Sorry MelodyLane. I forgot to say congrats on being sober for 17 years!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One day at a time, right?

Gib

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Like Melody Lane, I also have been sober for 17 years. My sobriety birthday comes up next month.

To answer your question: For me it was the classic "sick of being sick and tired" thing. I couldn't stay in college for a full semester, I couldn't hold a job. I was spending all my money on booze and cocaine and had to lie all the time.

I basically hated myself and was ready to get out from under the cloud of guilt and shame and become the person I knew I had the potential to become.

A good treatment program, AA, great friends and family and my desire to change helped get me out of the fog of drugs and alcohol. I love leading a sober life. It's the only way for me.

My life was awful during my binge drinking days. It hasn't been perfect since, but I have few regrets and I just try to do the right things every day and stay honest with myself and loved ones.

Thank you all for your kind sharing in regards to overcoming addictions. I appreciate the forum addressing this concern! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am now again, after a time in my marriage where I quit going not to upset my drinking spouse, back in alanon, thank goodness. I have been for a yr, but have had a new sponsor for 2 months. I was hesitant to get a sponsor dur to my last 2 yr experience in alanon, where my sponsor and other friends in the program convinced me to walk out on my h. I did seperate, but his drinking got worse during the seperation, and in order not to lose my marriage..> i basically just went back to it as it was before with my h being angry I had left... there was some change but not in the drinking, and the drinking is what made so much drama and heartche happen in our home, and still does in my life as an alanon.

I am no inncocent. I certainly don't want anyone to think I blame my drinking h for our marriage problems... a lot of them come from the way I respond to react and deal with the drinking behaviors. Alanon helps me learn to be a better person for me, for my family and for my life. I don't have to do the reaction that comes first to mind or reaction when My h drinks. I can let it go and let him deal with the consequences., I don't have to fight it. I don't have to lecture and in fact shouldn't- alot of my marriage problems are born from my h saying I have the better than syndrome.

Also I started out a drinker too early in our relationship... college days... I thought partying was something one could take or leave and stop. I always could and can stop. though I like a good time , even still.. but now I realize how hurtful the stuff is, and destructive, and at times don't even have a desire for that nice glass of wine.. b/c of what alcohol has done to my life. I wish I could be married to someone who could exercise moderation... but everytime I would buy a bottle of something.. it would be gone almost that day if not real quickly... after... by my spouse... and there he was encouraging me to drink more and more wth him... I guess it was fun to have a buddy. But party pooper I am when I don't want to live that way for me or the kids, or my h....

I love my husband so much, that is why I still try. I was always afraid the drinking would lead to affairs.... and worse which it has.

I sometimes act worse than a drunk even sober. I have tried to fix and control in ways I cannot believe. Everyoen wants their family to be ok, right? But try making things sane when they are out of control with drinking, and the drinker won't face that the drinking has anything to do with it.

I am so thankful for alanon, and open aa meetings too! I loved attending one last week. I appreciate you guys particuarly sharing what it took to stop it.

My h still blames like crazy , it is all me. I try not to let him have anything else to blame me for.. but even healthy boundaries I now draw are something for him to get angry at me over. My h is smart, handsome , and very capable, but destroying his life and harming me and his wonderful kids.

I pray a bottom will come, and that no one will be too damged by the time he gets there if ever.

I fear he may never, his family is generations full of alcoholics , but most of them have been able to remain employed and not as broke as he is living... quite successful actually. He has been too, but right now, is not. He is money poor, and emotionally poor too, but it is all me and everyone who mentions his drinkings fault.

Pray if you have time a prayer for Jim that he will realize his drinking is part of the problem... in our family and his life.

Thanks for the posts, they help me to see... there is always a possibility...

If anyone has a magic formula, I am listening.

Hugs and thanks for posting on this thread. I have an alanon meeting this am at 9, and I am sure will come out with more health again... I will prob. go to the open aa tomorrow.

In particular, though I am not shorting any of your kind responses.. I want to thank kings kid and Gibby. Thanks for your heartfelt concern for me and my family in this mess.

Hugs, Honey

I still love the man inside of him.

<small>[ December 21, 2002, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gibby1:
<strong>

MelodyLane, if you don't mind answering this...Once you decided to quit drinking, was it hard? For me it wasn't.
Gib</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It wasn't hard, it was horrific. It was pure hell. I was in daily emotional pain for about a year. I quit drinking when I was 27 yrs old and had not lived sober my entire adult life. I was not used to being alone with me and it was very hard learning how to cope and face life like normal people do every day. I was profoundly immature and selfish and had to go through years of counseling.

I also had to deal with hypoglycemia, which saps energy levels and causes mood swings and depression. The alcohol did a good job of masking that for years so when I quit drinking I had to deal with all the effects of hypoglycemia. Finally, I found a diet that cured it {Atkins diet} but it took years of trial and error to get to a good place. Its amazing what a profound difference a good diet will make!

All in all, AA was the best thing that happened to me, but it was far far from easy. Losing alcohol, to me, was almost as devastating as losing my son. Alcohol was the absolute center of my life, the love of my life.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Here's my story. I am at least a third generation alcoholic on my father's side of the family. When I was about thirteen, I got drunk for the first time and it was all downhill from there. A few years later I began using drugs and became a daily user of anything I could get my hands on. I used LSD, herion, cocaine, marijuana and other drugs in very large quantities. Several of my friends died, were murdered or committed suicide over the course of the next few years. My drug use became so severe that my mother had me move to Virginia to live with my uncle and aunt, as there were not may drugs there when compared with New York. A few months later I enlisted in the USAF and began drinking heavily again. After 26 months of service I was dishcarged for attempting to kill a fellow soldier with a sword while in a druken stupor. I moved in with my dad in Texas and coninued to drink and began using drugs again. I was arrested one night for disorderly conduct and public intoxication, not my first time in jail but enough to finally wake me up to what my life had become. I have been sober for twelve and one-half years now by the grace of God. I went to AA in the begining, but have been on my own with sobriety for the last ten years.

Wow guys and gals!

I've been out for much of the day and haven't kept up here like a good thread starter should! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Where do I begin to say thanks to all that have shared so far?

Kings Kid - your son's story is a true inspiration. You sound like a proud parent, as you should be! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I also say the serenity prayer each day. My higher power has answered that prayer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And as far as the gun in the mouth analogy - I can relate. The whiskey I so enjoyed was the barrel of my gun....

Peter03 - thanks for your story and an early Happy Bday to you! In AA we learn that while each of us is different we all share the common thread of alcoholism. The 'tired of being sick and tired' is so true. My job forces me to wake up at 3AM sometimes. Let's just say that when I was drinking, I was less than 'ideal' at that time of day... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Honey - We have traded opinions for a while now. You are getting stronger and as you can see you are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! As far as magic formulas? AA, MB, and my family have all combined to make that magic formula for me. But as with most magic formulas, luck has been the main ingredient (for me at least).

MelodyLane - WOW! What a hard road towards sobriety! The fact that you made it and have 17 years sobriety is awesome! I wish I could hear your story in an AA meeting. I'll bet you would make a great speaker! It makes me feel even more lucky that my journey has been less traumatic.

Mfisher - Congrats to you too for 12+ years of sobriety! You describe a deep addiction that others can only imagine in a movie. But I can remember doing some very stupid, illegal and dangerous things also in my younger drunken, stoned days. Sometimes I think I have a guardian angel that has kept me from falling into that pit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

To All -

I was not sure if this thread would attract much attention. I am glad you all are here to give hope to others during the holidays!

Please keep it going!!! I'll try and keep up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !

Gib

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kings kid:
[qb]Honey,
[QUOTE]Pray if you have time a prayer for Jim that he will realize his drinking is part of the problem... in our family and his life.

Thanks for the posts, they help me to see... there is always a possibility... " </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey, I have called my S and he and the ones in his recovery program are going to have special prayer for Jim. He also said to tell you that if there is ANYTHING he can do for your H in order to help, he is willing to help via phone,email or any way possible. I promise to say a prayer for Jim,too.I do understand that you still love him and hold on to the hope of rebuilding your relationship. There are still people who are angry with me for taking my H back. They do not understand. Your honesty about your shortcomings is to be commended.The first step to resolving a problem is being able to admit you have one.I did not care for ALANON for myself as there was personal problems in the group here but I do recommend it for anyone dealing with a family member in this situation.Mnay times they have no where else to turn.I am sorry that they gave you bad advice.Letting go does not always mean separating from the person.It means that you do not enable any longer and you continue to take care of yourself and your family while letting your loved one know that you love them,there for them when they are ready for sobriety,etc. If there is physical abuse then there is need for separation."

WOW! You are amazing. Thanks for the prayers from people who understand and are on the right path. Thanks so much to you King's Kid. I am so happy your son found the path to a sober and serene life and has that strong spiritual faith.

I appreciate it, and would love to email you... email me at lisaannsmail@yahoo.com for now if you have time.

I don't know if Jim is going to open himself to help yet. I pray the counseling will get him to again try sobriety... but I am the last person to get him into it. He has to want it. I have asked, begged, pleaded for him to attempt it. He was sober the longest during our marriage when a dui landed him in some mandated recovery programs.... that was a while back. He is very careful with his driving and doesn't drive drunk like he used to.. thank goodness.... at least not as much as he used to, I am sure he does on occasion.

My kids have told me more of their ventures with dad this wkend, after talking and watching a lifetime movie Shattered Spirits last night. It was sad, the kids were taken to cps after the dad hurt the kids, or at least one of them physically and the neighbors called the police. That family was in total denial of the true havoc of Alcoholism, but the ct. made him go through recovery and leave the home and be 90 days sober to return... I was in tears at the end... I just wish my h would get sober. I hope it does not take a catastrophe to cause it.

I am stepping back as he attacks me lately, this week... it is a jekyl hyde kind of thing.... I never know. My memories are bitter sweet.

For Christmas I am giving him happy framed pics of us and the kids... hopefully it will jar his memory, as he is convinced lately how miserable our lives together were.. ugh... so untrue... so much of the drama was the alcoholism in full fury.

I hate this disease.

I appreciate the support a million thanks.

Thanks for all of you sharing your bottoms and recoveries.... thanks a million.

I probably, well , yes, I know in ways I enable... perhaps my and others endless plan a of him.. his dad, and others... He is smart and he knows we all fear his cutting us off and losing him to the bottle or just party friends who won't criticize what he does. FIne line indeed.

Alanon is a wonderful help. I live in Houston, so I visit many meetings, so I don't get unhealthy in one... I did experience that before.. and I do fear that again, but I round myself out with lots of people on many paths to recovery and make sure I am ok with all the steps I make.

Thanks again, will go as my headache has returned.. it must be the holidays.

Thanks, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 21, 2002, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Gentle ^bump^ as the holidays approach...

Gibby

I forgot to add in my reply that I wish you well in your sobriety. For me, sometimes it was a second or minute at a time, along with the day at a time philosophy.

This was the best thread I could find to brag that, tomorrow, my FWH is sober 90 days! It has been absolutely wonderful!! FWH, if you are reading this because I know sometimes you do lurk, thank for the wonderful early Christmas present to yourself, me and our son!

Brit's Brat/BS-41
FWH-43
DS-14 months
Status: One Day At A Time

Hey Brit! Good to here from you again. 90 Days!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !! Woooooooo! Hooooooooo! Way to go Brit's hubby. The first 90 days can be the hardest...no time to start new good habits to replace the old bad ones.

Get that 90 chip and replace the 60 day one! 6 Mos is right around the corner...

Peter03 - thanks very much for the well wishes. And right back at ya...I found your thread. I'm glad to hear that your M is getting better.

My wonderful W is acting like her old self to me again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Guess that's what can happen when I'm not drunk, arrogant, and rude <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ...

Any more stories out there? Care to share here???

There is always hope. You may not see it, feel it, or taste it, but it is there.

Gib

Congrats to Brit and family, I am very happy for all of you, what a wonderful Christmas present to you all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Happiness and Peace.

Honey

^Bump for Christmas Eve^

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Gremlins seem to be a hot topic on the Emotional Needs board!