I think I went to the Preston group, hard to remember, I lived in Dalls for a few yrs in 90-92. It has been a while, I attended my first alanon mting there.

Wow, us texans? Thanks for all the kind hearted truthful posts.

Honey

Honey - I lived in North Dallas during that time frame. Wouldn't be funny if we had been at the samw meetings ?!?
D.

^Bump^

^^one last humble bumple^^

I spend most of my time on the D/D forum so I didn't see this until tonight... while sitting alone at home on New Year's Eve.

This is a very meaningful post for me. My STBXH is an addict/alcoholic and I believe, a sex addict as well. We were together 20 years. The first 8 he was an active addict/alcoholic. I got into Al-Anon within the first couple of years of our relationship but only went off and on in crisis mode until the last 2 years of his drinking. STBXH had been through numerous treatment programs, but after I left, he finally got sober.

I totally agree with Gibby's comparison of drugs and alcohol to the OW. I felt like he was having an A with alcohol way back then before I realized he was having affairs all through our marriage.

Our lives turned completely around after he got sober. He went from treatment to a 1/2 way house to a sober living house. We lived apart for about 6 months but worked on rebuilding our relationship. Two years later, after I felt sure he was actually going to stay sober, we got married.

We moved, I stopped going to Al-Anon, we started a business, everything seemed to be going well, but my H withdrew from me physically. There were always rumors of other women but I never believed them, mostly because they all overweight, unattractive, and/or not very intelligent. But they were all much younger and adoring.

My H started secretly drinking again. I don't know when exactly, but I've been aware of it for the past 3 years. He began to be verbally abusive again as he had been when he drank before. He was also rumored to be using speed (and he's now is back to using heroin, his drug of choice in the past).

Then, 2 years ago, he left suddenly and moved in with a much younger, very unattractive, both physically and in her personality (foul mouthed, lazy, whiny, belligerent) and overweight married employee who also is a heavy drug user. He's been with her ever since. He hasn't worked in 2 years and neither has she. I'm supporting them by sending him a check every two weeks and paying his rent - this is less than he feels is his due for his share of our business.

He blames me for everything: "stealing" "his" business from him, not admiring him enough, and loving an old boyfriend more than him (based on his reading of my 20+ year old journals).

At this point I have a restraining order and have had no contact for the past 9 months to avoid hearing what a horrible person I am. He's broken in and trashed the house three times, totalled his car with a blood alcohol of 0.28, lost his license, been charged with violating a restraining order 3 times, spousal abuse, burglary (which means breaking in for the purpose of committing a crime, by the way - I didn't know this), driving on a suspended license, and others I forget. He's also verbally abusive to the OW, according to several of the landlords who've evicted them over the past 2 years (5 evictions and counting...).

Last Friday, he chose not to accept a plea bargain that would have dropped all charges but one count of violating a restraining order, so now he's going to trial and I have to testify against him. All this from a man who totally turned his life around and was once loved and admired by his family, friends, and employees...

But, in his mind, I'm the problem, not him. If it weren't for the 4 Al-Anon meetings I attend weekly, I'd be a total basket case. Instead I'm just a partial basket case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

I appreciate stories of people who've made it, but my H had almost 10 years of sobriety when his swollen ego from all his success in sobriety got the best of him. So, remember, there's NOTHING more important than our sobriety/sanity.

I fought hard to try to save my marriage, but I finally had to let go and move on. My H has no contact with his family, my stepson is in prison for drug-related crimes, our business suffered because he was using drugs and having sex with some of our younger (former - since I took over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) employees. It's a devastating illness.

Thanks for this thread. I'm sorry I don't have a more positive story to share. I really congratulate those of you in sobriety as well as those of us whose lives have been touched by addiction who are actively working a program, focusing on ourselves, and deepening our connection with our Higher Power. God bless and Happy New Year.

LetsTry, Thanks for your post. I am still trying, but my H is so far in lala land at times I wonder. We are in counseling, and I wonder if the counselor realizes the depth of his illness... b/c when he shows up for counseling he is sane and his normal self.... now I deal with him so much in the pm hours it is scary for me and our sons- he drinks pm most of the time.

Hugs to you for what you have through. I know how hard it is, though I have not been through as much as you.. yet. I know there will be more, as he is the father of my children. I only pray my wh will get sober.. he too has the swollen ego.. and his last great job.. went to his head while I was ill with a bad back... and thus the first real ow... real serious one that is.

I don't know what to do anymore... alanon is a life rope for me too. I am getting myself back now that I have been back in attendance.. also posting here and friends I have made here and in alanon and also at church.. that is my life. I still like to have a glass or wine or two.. but that is usually it, and I start to look at drinks and say UGH... the damage it does...

Anywat I appreciate your post!

Hugs and HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Honey

WOW LetsTry, what a story <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I think your post adds hope to those in similar situations. Even though your H is declining rapidly, you are strong, level headed, and have kept a business going. All things that required emotional strength.

Your post reminds me that my sobriety is a daily quest in my journey. A swelling ego can ruin that effort <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

You mentioned that your H blames you for his problems. I think blaming others is an inherent trait in many people. Both alcoholics and non-alcoholics. But it seems to be a VERY consistent theme in alcoholics. Maybe because they know deep inside that they are to blame for thier problems. But 'going there' emotionally is difficult and taking the easy way out has also become a habit. I know this was true for me...

Anyway, thanks again for your story.

Gib

It's important to post all the stories not just the successes beacuse in reality that is the way it is in life.

AA is for those who want it not those who need it. If it were, all the major sports stadiums would be filled up at AA meetings! The sad truth is that most never grasp the simple program that could bring them happy, contected sober lives.

My WH was sober for a number of years as well, but looking back and knowing now what I know about the AA program, WH never really worked the program. He went to Promise Keepers a few times and participated in the Church, but I think deep down inside that he really hadn't given it up.

Swollen ego is an alcoholic trait and ALL alcoholics blame everone else but themselves. When I grasped that fact dealing with an alcoholic (even tho I am one myself) it was easier for me not to take it personally and become like teflon. WH has spent less and less time with me and that is a compliment these days. That shows me that I am healthy and no using alcoholic wants to be around healthy people. They are attracted to others just like them or others who are sick needy people who put up with their S*#t and stroke their egos. But this perpetuates the problem. I never thought I drank too much because I hung aroung others who did the same. I didn't know I was being insensitive or a jerk cuz everyone around me acted the same. Those that were healthy I might associate with at Church on Sundays or talk to in the Grocery Store but that was it.

There are others on the DV board who deal with this as well so I'm going to post a link there for more input.

D.

WillGet THruThis,

My healthy behavior is also unattractive to drinking ws.

He actually had a partying photo of me in the old days pulled out of the albums at his house.... albums I had let him borrow... it wasn't that bad, but obviously I was drinking.. in the photo... he had stuck a sticker on it that sd come to my party... years ago.. those picture stickers.. My son found it in his drawer and upset and told me. He didn't think Mom was like that. I had actually considered trashing that pic a while back, but had left it in the album... obviously it had some meaning to wh.

I know I partied a lot with him in the early days -right out of college.. this is why I got in this relationship, obviously... I allowed this behvior in the beginning.. but I did not know the damage it would do.

I never knew alcoholics and what happened when people drank too much. I grew up in a home with No drinking whatsoever. So for me it was fun to do the forbidden at least for a while... but not for life.

Hugs, Honey

Honey,

The pix that your son found can be used in a positve way in that you used to party and had drank but that you don't do that anymore. That way kids can see that we are human we do stuff, we make mistakes, but that we CAN turn our lives into a positive direction.

My grandparents on my Dad's side where alcoholics but passed on years ago. My Dad never drank very much and for years not at all I think in response to his parents drinking. My Mom has never has more than 2 drinks at a time. I drank alcoholically from the first time I had a drink but had no idea at the time. It did something to me that I liked. I had been shy, moved a few times at it made me feel like I was superwoman! I could talk to anyone! IN college I partied like "everyone else" that is everyone else who partied as much as I did.

I have been very open with my kids on this subject. MY D 's body can not process alcohol and the 2 times she did drink (it was a small amount - 1 drink) she ended up in the emergency room. The first time she thought it was a fluke that someone had put GHB or similar in her drink. Now, she knows that she CAN NOT DRINK cuz it will literally kill her.

Honey, that is good that you are in the awareness mode right now, just take things in and concentrate on you and the boys. The right answer will come for you when you ask day by day for God's will for you and your family.

Hugs on this New Years Day to you and your boys.

God Bless,

D.

I've changed the name of this thread to better reflect its purpose. ALL stories are welcomed and encouraged <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !

Thanks WillGetThruThis for inspring the name and direction change...

gib

Here's what I have done as an alanon that has helped me -

Go to alanon meetings

Go to open AA meetings

Read the Big Book of AA

Listen to alanon tapes. There are some great ones from Dallas TX. I don't have them with me but when I get home I will post the names.

Read the daily meditation books - courage to change, one day at a time and hope for today

Participate in a ladies step study - don't underestimate this. I am on my second one since August & we have both AA, Alanon and double winners in the step study. So much growth has come from them for newbies and old timers alike.

I have taken a section in the alanon book - in all our affairs, making change work for us - For example I read the entire section on awareness making notes about the stories or what was said that struck a cord or a nerve with me. I then went back and wrote about it. About me, what it triggered in me, what I thought I should do or change....

This may seen like a lot of work, but it's not just time that heals. We have to do the work to heal and grow. Either we grow in a positive direction or a negative one. For years and years I didn't do the work necessary for me. Now I am willing to do what ever it takes. I am a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life. It's the journey not the destination.

If there are others out there that are afraid to say anything - this is a safe place - I encorage you to share your story.

Thanks,
D.

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Hi,

My name is Tom and I am an alcoholic. I grew up in a family where the highs and lows of life were dealt with by drinking. So when I started facing lows when I entered the teens years, I followed in my family's footsteps and started drinking myself. Mostly snuck beers or homemade wine from my folks and guzzled it down and learn quick that I felt good after drinking. Started hanging around with friends in H.S. that also liked to drink and so my drinking behavier was found to be socially acceptable. Got my first OWI in high school. Went to collage and kept up my binging habits. Met my wife one night in a bar and got my second owi the night I met her. Spent the night in jail and then spent 3 or 4 more days in jail after that for second offense. Lesson I learned from this was not to drink and drive, but to stay home if you are going to drink. Wife moved in with me after I gratduated from collage and I spend most weekends drinking. Despite this wife and I got married after a couple of years of living together. Continued to keep good, respectable jobs and wife and I had two daughters and kept up my own affair with alcohol. Shortly after my first daughter was born, wife began indicating to me she was not happy with marriage. Found out later that during this time a one night stand, assault thing happened to her. Marriage coninued to spiral and my drinking continued. My younger brother ended up in treatment for his own alcholism and my wife told me about he incident that had happened 6 years ealier. I knew I needed to stop drinking, so I did, but got no help and continued on a dry drunk. Several months later, I found out my wife was having an affair. I soon started drinking again, my wife's affair went on for about a year, and then I finally went to counciling, got into AA and have been sober for about 3 years now. Sobriety has been good to me. My marriage is by no means perfect, still don't know if it will last or not, but I enjoy life now. About a year ago, started attending an adult children of alcoholics Alanon group. AA helps keeps me sober and Alanon helps me to understand relationships. Have done much in the past three years that I was never able to do while drinking. Have been working on finishing up a master degree and hope to have it done this summer. So life goes on. Three years ago on new years eve was my last major drunk. Good luck to all and grateful to be sober on this new years day.

God's strength and much patience to all.

Tom - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (in AA terms that is)

You're an 'oldtimer' here on MB. A log in name of 'Tom'...bet you cold sell that to some people on these boards <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry that your marriage is not perfect yet, but remember, "we do not claim perfection...".

You write like a happy person. One that has hope and can see a brighter future. Good luck with the Masters degree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! I'm still struggling with that goal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...

Thanks again for being here!

Gib

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

Hi Tom, Haven't "seen" you in a while... Glad to hear you're doing well.

WGGT & Honey, Interesting that you say your healthy behavior is unattractive to the alcoholic WS. That's so true. My STBXH has fond memories of me getting high with him at work, where we first met, which are totally false memories since I never did that. He worked hard to get me to use drugs with him this time around too. I actually did a few times trying unsuccessfully to compete with the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

My parents were social drinkers, but one of my brothers is a sober alcoholic, and I used to drink a lot and hang around with alcoholics. Their behavior seemed normal at the time because I was doing essentially the same thing. When my drinking caused me enough problems - fired from 3 jobs in a row <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> , I quit drinking heavily, and ironically, that's when I met my STBXH... switched addictions from alcohol to him and spent the next 20 years trying to fix him - it seems so much easier than fixing yourself, especially when you convince yourself that everything would be just fine if he'd only stop drinking...

I, too, spend a lot of time working my program: 4 meetings/wk including a step-study, a book study in which we're going through the book, Al-Anon, How It Works, and a women's group. There are quite a few "double winners" who attend Al-Anon here, too, and I really appreciate their input. We've recently started a monthly meeting called Families in Recovery. We have a potluck first and then an AA and an Al-Anon speaker and occasionally an Alateen speaker. I also read all three daily meditation books as well as a couple of non-program daily meditation books, Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go, and a book of meditations for women in recovery from Hazelden called Each Day a New Beginning. I've read and reread In All Our Affairs as well as The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, and the Big Book of AA.

I too get frustrated at my seemingly slow progress and pray for patience. I remind myself regularly that I'm right where God wants me to be and that I'll make progress as long as I keep doing the footwork.

Honey, My story may sound severe, but I feel for you dealing day to day with the alcoholic, that's the true test of your program! I avoid all contact because I'm still not made of telfon, like WGGT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , and my STBXH still pushes my buttons!

Gibby, Thanks for pointing out that blaming is part of the disease. That's true for both the addict and the codependent! I can't get anywhere until I stop blaming my STBXH for my misery. I need to "continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it," to stay focused on my part. I've always chosen alcoholics for relationships, or they've chosen me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . And I participated in the madness completely sober. At least the alcoholic/addict has the excuse of being drunk or high!

Tom

Thanks for posting your story & Happy Birthday #3

D.

I am so glad so many of you out there recovered or are in recovery for alcoholisim. My marriage could not survive the neglect caused by my husband's rampant (but seemingly "mild") alcoholic behavior. I always thought he'd "outgrow" that kind of drinking.

I know he loves me very much and I loved him with all of my heart. I love him still. But even after all of this...after all of what his family calls "rock-bottom" - he still drinks, stays out all night and has a grand old time. He was so surprised when I left him. He couldn't understand why I was so unhappy. When this all came down, he could not understand why I was leaving him. He said he didn't know how much he was hurting me.

I have been hurt by an alcoholic that I love very, very much. His alcoholisim killed the happy, hopeful girl that married him. I'm not "beating-down" alcoholics out there,I know that it is a monstrous addiction; but how can you not realize or care about the damage you do to people who love you? What was it about me that made my husband want to stay out all night partying instead of coming home? He never knew what it felt like when it was 4:00 a.m., your spouse isn't home and you don't know whether to start calling the hospitals or the bars. Did he not know how badly it hurt when I'd meet "friends" of his who would exclaim "Wife!?? I didn't even know he was married?" Did he never understand how hurt I was (when I WOULD try to go out and "hang" with him) when he would tell me to "drink-up!" - that I wasn't any fun without a few drinks in me.

I knew then that I wasn't the best wife I could be, but I really did try. It's only now, that I am removed from the situation, that I can see where we both went wrong. Even after we separated, I begged for him to venture to try AA, to no avail. He says that he is not an alcoholic, although he will admit that alcohol was a great problem in our marriage.

He is much better off now; free to drink in peace. I am a little worse for wear, but I am recovering nicely and taking notes of the lessons I've learned from all of this. I include in my prayers, all people who are suffering at the hands of alcoholics - including the alcoholics themselves.

HowManyChances -

Thank you for adding your reply and welcome to Marriage Builders.

I am sorry that alcoholism has affected your life and Marriage the way that it has. Alcoholism is a VERY selfish disease. You asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but how can you not realize or care about the damage you do to people who love you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alcohol is what helps us not think about that pain that we cause others. It is the 'medecine' that stops hurt and keeps it away for as long as we drink...
of course I'm speaking as if I were still drinking. But you can see that the circle is never broken. We drink to not feel the pain, the pain is caused by the drinking.

HowManyChances, if you have not read this entire thread, I suggest you take the time. IMHO, it shares some very deep, real feelings from alcoholics.

Also, have you attended Alanon? How about an open AA meeting. You know the open meetings are not just for alcoholics...

Anyway, thanks again for youe story and welcome!

Gib

HowManyChances -

I forgot -

Thank you for your prayers... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gib

Gibby1-

A heartfelt thanks for your post in response to mine. Reading all of the posts I've read on this M.B. site still fills me with awe - discovering that there are SO MANY people out there struggling with these issues. Alcoholisim certainly wasn't the ONLY deterring factor in my marriage, but it was a large and looming one. And you are welcome for the prayers; they are sincere.