On Oct. 18th my wife told me she wanted to get divorced. Four weeks later (and 1 week after we started counciling) she admitted to me that she had a fling with an online friend (since over, he has moved on, she is very resentful towards him, feels he used her.)

Our marriage of 6 years (and relationship of 8) has been far from perfect. When we began dating we lived in different states while we attended college. The summer I graduated I moved in with her and we spent four months together before I got a job in another state. We visited each other nearly every weekend and kept in touch online - she planned on moving out with me when she graduated that spring.
As time went on it became more difficult (do to constraints of my job) to visit every weekend and things slowed down - when I visited one weekend she told me she has slept with a friend of ours who she has been spending time with and expected I would leave her. She explained it as he had been helping her deal with missing me, wasn't quite sure how it happened, but said she had almost felt obligated to do so. I had felt guilty about leaving her alone and forgave her thinking we could move past it.

A few months passed and she prepared to graduate and move out to be with me. A few weeks before this happened an old boyfriend contacted her, he was going to be in-town the weekend before she was moving and hoped to see her. We had spoken of this guy previously - they had dated during her first year in college - but the relationship had died when she walked in on him in bed with another girl. She had admitted to me that she still had the 'I wonder what if' when it came to him. A week or two after she moved out with me, she admitted to me that things had happened with him the night they met for dinner. She told me that she realized she no longer had feelings for him and that this had let her 'close that chapter of her life.' - Loving her as I did I could understand her point of view and again forgave her.

The next six months were wonderful from my point of view. Sure we got into little spats now and again, but I always figured thats just part of being in a relationship - people disagree from time to time. We grew to know each other even better, and I proposed to her that winter. It was during this time that I learned a lot more about her past - she told me more about how she was adopted, how her adopted dad had died when she was young, and her mom had remarried bringing 3 step siblings into the family. How the step-sister she was closest to had died in a car accident. How she had been date-raped once and taken advantage of (I hate to say raped, but thats what it was) by a friend of her brother's who came into her room while she was asleep. - How her first real boyfriend in college had cheated on her and she had then 'gone nuts' with numerous meaningless relationships - ending with a relationship with a guy that had physicaly abused her. I felt very badly for all she had been through, and I used it as the reason for why she had cheated on me. I was determined to prove to her that I could be trusted, that I would love her forever and that I would never hurt her as others had.

As the reality of getting married started settling in with us, we both got a little nervous, but we told each other everything, being completely honest about how we felt. I had never had a serious relationship before her, and part of me was worried that in the future that fact might worry me. She had the same concerns that I had been with another girl. She also expressed concerns about monogomy, how could we make sure things didn't get 'stale' in our relationship.

We had both considered ourselves to be very openminded when it came to our sexuality - at least with each other - and somehow we began talking about 'swinging' - which we had read about online and in certain magazines. She had found out that there was a 'club' in a nearby city and she was curious to go and see what it was all about. Being young and naive we both thought it was something that could 'enhance our sexlife'.

So we went a few times, but we just watched and never participated, realizing that we just weren't ready for that type of scene. Still, she spent a lot of time online talking to other couples in chatgroups. She met a couple and invited them to visit and we wound up having sex with each other. Afterwards we both felt uncomfortable with what had happened and decided to no longer pursue it.

Several months went by and it was mostly forgotten, our day of marriage arrived (the same day we discovered she was pregnant with our daughter) and life went on. The reality of life hit us hard that year. Her mom and her got in a fight before our wedding and she refused to come as did her brother and step-siblings. We moved into a new house from our apartment - and the pregnancy had probles which resulted in our daughter being born premature - and we had many weeks in the hospital with her before she could come home - then further complications afterwards.
It was then that we really started to drift apart. I focused a lot of time on my job and being successful there so to be able to better support my family and our suddenly huge debt. She started going back to school to obtain her teaching certifcation - and we didn't have a lot of time for each other, being pretty exhausted most of the time.
Things proceeded to get worse, but we did our best to bury our heads in the sand. I noticed she started having mood swings. During this time she started visiting the chat-groups again, looking for couples - in her words 'for friendship and maybe more'. We did meet another couple, near our age, that we started spending time with - and one time we started 'messing around' but it didn't amount to much. I think we all realized it wasn't really what we wanted.

So, we decided we wanted a change - and picked up and moved back to be closer to our families. The move, which we thought would be a good thing, turned out to be much more stressful than we ever could have imagined. I had to leave in May and she couldn't join me until the end of June - so we spent 8 weeks apart with only one visit in-between.
Once she joined me again we had more difficulties, We couldn't find a house we liked, we wound up staying with my parents for a month - where our daughter (then 2) broke her leg in an accident at their home. (Full body cast for 10 weeks!)
My wife's mood swings started getting worse, I figured because of all the stress in her life, and tried to encourage her to seek some professional help. - This led to a huge fight, at which time she told me she didn't want to be married any more and admitted to me that she had had a one-night-stand with someone while we were apart during the move. I spent a few days at my parents - but then convinced her we could work things out. She agreed and also agreed to talk to a Doctor about her mood, commenting that she felt it was depression.

She went on Prozac for a few months - things in our life got better, or so I thought. She then decided to stop taking the medication because she 'didn't like the way it made her feel.' Things still went along mostly ok, although we did have minor diagreements (I soon realized that these fights typically happened as her period approached, and investigated 'PMDD' as a possible cause - she agreed and talked to the DR about it - his suggestion was to go back on the Prozac again, but at a different dosage. She did and again, things got much better for us. Still our sex-life was lacking at this point and she went back to the chat-rooms again talking to couples. By this time I realized that it wasn't something I wanted to do, but I saw that she would get excited about it and seemed happy pursuing it so I went along with it. And well, even if all we did was go watch, it 'got her in the mood.'

We then started talking about having another child and started trying - when she became pregnant with our son she stopped taking the medication, but still things seemed to be OK. The pregnancy was again problematic - but the proper precautions this time around allowed our son to be born healthy even if a few weeks premature.

Over the past 18 months since he has been born, we again began to drift apart. The trials and tribulations of everyday life just built up - and by the time the kids were in bed we were exhausted. Both choosing to either watch TV or play games on our computers. Her depression deepened - and she went back to the DR a few times to adjust the medication - but nothing helped. I began to feel neglected and would push her to have sex, but was lucky if we did anything once a month, if that often. I just did not realize the scope of our problem, figuring it was just her 'not being in the mood' because of stress and her depression.

Gradually I began to realize that we were spending too much time on the computers - so much so that instead of waiting to get on after the kids went to bed we would login as soon as we got home from work. Withdrawing both from each other, but from our kids as well. During this time my wife met several people from the game we played online - and we went on short trips to meet people, or had them visit us. I guess this is when the red flag should have gone off in my head - as most of the people we were meeting were other guys - and most of them were her friends, not really people I knew well.
It was one of these people that she eventually had a 'fling' with - resulting in them sleeping together twice during a visit (while I was at work) - As I said above - he has since moved on - and she now feels used by him.

Then she 'dropped the bomb' telling me that she wanted to get divorced. She seemed very determined and the reality finally hit home for me. I convinced her to go to counciling with me - but that turned into 'how can we get him to realize that I'm right and we need to get divorced'

During that time I did a lot of soul searching - I found this website and posted on the 'Just found out' forum. I have read many of the articles on the website and started reading the 'Surviving an Affair' book.

I have come to realize that I have contributed my fair share in the failure of our marriage. That I had been naive and ignorant about what it took to have a strong marriage. That I was unable to meet my wife's emotional needs (and to a certain extent the needs of my children.)

I have come to see that both my wife and I are obsessed and addicted to the internet and the friends/lives we have created on there in which to hide.

My wife tells me that she no longer loves me. First she told me that she still considered me to be her best friend. Now, since I have questioned her and keep trying to salvage things, she tells me that she has now lost the feelings that I am her best friend. She says that she no longer trusts me and that she thinks that I have been stupid in our relationship. And that there is absolutely no chance in us ever fixing anything, because she doesn't want to.

Still, she does not want to move out - she does not want to be away from the kids (nor keep me away from them, at this point atleast.) But she does want to be 'single'.
She has taken off her wedding ring, moved out of our bedroom into our guest bedroom. She has contacted a lawyer once to 'learn what her options are' and has been telling people we will be getting divorced.

I have started to understand the Plan A and Plan B ideas. I realize that with Plan A I am supposed to present my good side to her - try not to judge or question her or give her reasons to hate me. -- I just don't see how this can work. She got mad at me the other day for 'being too nice' saying that it was making her feel guilty and that I was doing it on purpose to make her feel guilty -sigh-

As for Plan B. That seems un-thinkable to me and unrealistic. If I leave, I leave my kids which would tear my heart up and cause them a lot of pain and heartache (they are only 5y and 18m.) How could I leave and withdraw my financial support from her? (What about the joint bills for the house, cars and credit cards?) Should I move my paycheck to a private account instead of the joint account? Too many questions...

I really do not want to give up on her. But I realize that I cannot force her to do anything. Part of me just wishes that she would leave me and the kids - but I know she won't leave the kids.
I half expect her to come home with a seperation agreement kicking me out of the house and forcing me to pay all the bills (ie. more than my fair share)

This has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I just don't know what I can do next. It seems anything I try only serves to push her further away and damage things even more.

I keep thinking it would just be easier to give up and I think in a sense that it would be - but I'd be filled with regret and I fear what it would do to my kids happiness. (Even if our psychologist tried to minimize my wife's fears that divorce would hurt them - she told her that the kids could suffer just as much, if not worse if they were raised in a bad environment)

Ugh, I even feel as if the psychologist was not on the side of our marriage succeeding.

Sorry for the long post, but had to get things off my chest.

Am I being a fool thinking this can be saved?

AWD,

Quite the contrary, I think you have a lot that can be saved (and welcome by the way)!!!

I will admit, I was quite shocked at how "open" your relationship was -- it was nothing less than an invitation for disaster. Having read some of the materials here at MB, I think you probably realize that now.

That being said, I think it is definately time to move away from this type of relationship and seek to build one that is still open but this time on open communications which is built on each other -- not "others" as you both seemed to have come to depend.

Your Plan A efforts are working as they should. These efforts will feel uncomfortable to both you and your W as you are not accustomed to them at the moment. Your reply to you W when she brings up the guilt should be something like, "I'm just trying to finally bring out affection that I've felt for you always and I failed to do that in the past." It will seem pecuiliar to her at first and she will probably think you are playing a game. The main thing is consistency. Read more on Plan A and excercise your "new self" when ever you have the chance. Hopefully over time she will see your good deeds as sincere and loving and begin to return that same type of affection.

I would not "press on her" about relationship talk -- try to act "more natural." If you can keep her in counseling all the better although it does sound as if you may need a new marriage counselor. "Outside" counselors are fine but I would also highly recommend additional "coaching" either Steve or Jennifer. Even if your W will not initially participate they still can work wonders with just one of you...

Where is her medication now -- is she still on A/D's??? By the sounds of it, hopefully she is.

With regard to Plan B, FORGET IT for now! You are in Plan A! I was coached by Jennifer to make a timeline for Plan A. I will not even suggest a timeline for you as every situation is different, but my "line" was several months.

Forget about her guilt right now. Work on you and the changes you want to see occur in your M. If she sees you as sincere and if these are values she's always wanted in a M she may come out of the fog and begin to see things clearly for your M.

I wish you the best of luck here on MB. I would read and re-read several times the information about Plan A and SAA! Keep coming back to post often...

Let the work begin!!!!!

MITT

I think we were both extremely naive when it came to that choice of 'experimentation' in our relationship. At the time I didn't comprehend the damage it would do. I think perhaps on some level both she and I thought it could keep her from straying as she had in the past, essentially giving her an outlet. But all it did was help us to avoid the real issues.
Sure, we tried to justify it - and I still want to now (there are a lot of people participating in this type of thing, while I won't judge them, I do wonder how secure their relationships are.)

As for her, yes - she is still on the medication - now at a much higher dosage than she was - which does concern me. I am thinking two things: 1) this is not the right medication, and 2) her issues involve more than depression (of course I am not an expert and I am sure my judgement is compromised and far from impartial) (I also realize our problems can't be solved by finding 'the right pill')

In regards to continuing the Plan A - I am finding it very difficult to do so consistantly. I try and she nitpicks, trying to find even the slightest thing and makes a big deal about it - constantly telling me I'm being disrespectful and demeaning to her. I find myself responding 'in-kind' when she gets saracastic or snippy.

I guess I am only human, but I don't know how you others can find the strength to keep it up - especially when facing what looks like the impossible.

Thanks.

AWD,

Well, I won't judge other people either and I have heard that many do participate. I've also heard that swing can be devastating to any relationship. I guess I would also question their relationship security also. Never the less, this stuff is in the past and it doesn't really do any good to dwell at this particular time.

With regard to the medication. If she is on A/D's I really do not see any problems with that at all . I have also been taking A/D's since finding out about the A almost two years ago. A/D's are VERY misunderstood. A/D's are nothing more than synthetic serotonin -- the same chemical your body produces naturally to enable relaxation and sleep. Personally, I think they're great. I am just starting to wean from them after all of this time. I would even highly suggest that you consult your MD about using them yourself for the time being. They help to add "clarity" to an already very difficult situation such as the one you're going through right now!

With regard to Plan A, be very aware of the disrespect and demeaning her as these are traits that are can erode a relationship further(LB's). Can you provide a little more detail as what she thinks is disrespectful?

I know first hand how you feel and I know how impossible this all looks right now. But there is a chance this can be reversed. Unfortunately many of the unpleasantries are up to you. Your W is lost in a dense fog right now unable to find the way out. Think of it as though you have to go into that fog to find her. Every move you make must be one of precision, as there's treacherous terrain "in there." You're bound to slip and fall just trying to get to her. That's OK, because you'll get back up and continue your search. Hopefully, just hopefully as you're blindly feeling your way, you'll touch her, then take her hand and ever so slowly you'll begin a journey back out. There may be occasions that you'll lose her grip and she'll slip away from you again. But again that's OK. You love her, you want to find her again and again...

For those WS's that make it out, there are many who are eternally grateful to there spouse for being there. I hope you are one of the success stories that move into the recovery process.

MITT