Up and down it goes... down I go again.

My lawyer called me today and said that my W beat me to the punch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Her lawyer submitted the order to drop the lawsuit last Monday before I could put mine in. This means that I am out of luck. According to him if I fight it (which I will) I have a 30% chance that it will not be thrown out and if it is thrown out the only way TX would have jurisdiction is if I file for divorce, something I do not want to do.

Part of the problem is that if she comes next month I'm out of luck for some time with the "no contact" I wanted to establish between my son and OM. The other problem is my impending trip to TX. If I get offered a job I would rather either reconcile or go through the divorce in TX than here.

I finally broke down and called her sister who initially was supporting me on everything I was doing. Even though I detected a tone of resentment, she listened to me and told me how she does not agree with what my W is doing. I think her reaction was more about feeling that she's being pulled in two directions.

Interestingly enough, she had the same opinion that I had regarding her trip during Thanksgiving. She said to me that her mother always, always told their daughters never to accept an expensive gift from a man who was not their husband. She said she couldn't believe that she had accepted it and that she actually went.

I found out as well, as I suspected, that my W has been making the case against me to her family (which I expected). My SIL gave me a chance to set the record straight. She didn't know a few things about what's being going on between my W and me since everything she heard was from my MIL not even from my W because she will not talk to her. Why? Because my SIL does not agree with what she's doing.

Something else I thought was interesting was that she said that I shouldn't have hope because of the way my W is. She is very stubborn and too patient which means that it would take her years to realize that she made a mistake. She agrees that she will eventually realize her R with the OM will not be what she thinks it is but that it will take her years to get out of it.

My SIL was really surprised at me that I would marry my W again had I known 10 yrs ago she was going to do this. See, the difference is I would have my M different.

I also had a chance to talk to my SIL's husband who's supported me from day one and who still supports me. He told me a few things about what's been going on with my in-laws and he says he's very disappointed how they are treating my W. He believes our in-laws are concentrating on the divorce and how she should not be with me and are treating the A as secondary. He says our MIL has asked him his opinion of what's been going on and he's told her he reserves the right not to say anything. He told me they probably do not want to hear what he thinks. He also said that this situation has affected him in some ways especially that he does not see our in-laws in the same manner anymore. He believes it will be difficult for my W to get out of the fog as long as mommy and daddy are supporting her.

Anyway, long post as usual. I talked to her briefly tonight and I LB'ed a couple of times. She's due to call me back later tonight. Please pray that I remain calm. Now I can see how she's taken advantage of me. I guess I should not hesitate and think about Plan B letter any longer. She has been slowly depleting love units from my love bank for a while now but lately I feel the withdrawals are huge and getting larger in the little that's left. I am not sure I want to be married to her anymore.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Utterly,

The only thing I want to say is, I was also was warned by my one of my SIL 's that "I should move on, that all hope was lost in the M" and her sister "WOULD NEVER" change.

We began reconciliation a couple of weeks after SIL told me that. That happened almost 2 years ago! Since my SIL told me that, I have NEVER seen her "in the same light" that I used to see her. In fact, I don't even care to see or hear her anymore but I occasionally have to tolerate her -- that's it!!!

MITT

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: MakingItThruThis ]</small>

So, I had my talk with her. She is trying to make me believe, once again, this is not about OM. She's told me that before but has been trying to convince me the last two weeks. She keeps saying she wants to live in the midwest and that I knew this before meeting the OM, which is true.

As usual, she blames me saying that on d-day she told me she wanted to separate from me, live on her own and contact an attorney to proceed with a divorce. I answered "what was I supposed to do? Sit on the sofa with my arms crossed and tell you OK, honey, go on with him, I'm happy for you. I will not fight for our M."

I really don't know what the deal is with her. I tell her that right now my main concern is the stability of our S. I don't want him to break his routine only to be broken again later. Her answer? "His stability was broken when you moved us to TX." My reply? An LB (probably) "His stability was broken when you met this guy and fell in love with him." I told her my point was that right now he is the most stable he's been since d-day and why ruin that. I told her that she keeps blaming everything on me. She keeps telling me that I'm trying to control everything including her life. I said that I made a suggestion only for her to stay in TX until the end of the school year; by then I will know what happens to my job.

I'm beginning to think that when things don't go her way (regarding her A) she turns it around and says that things have to be done according to what I say. I told her she can live wherever she wants to, but that I wasn't going to lose my job just because she wanted to live where the OM lives. I also said that I'm pushing for *no contact* between our S and the OM because I really believe in the damage this may cause and that I was backed by our IC, two lawyers, a priest and books I read on the matter. I even suggested that she talks about this to her IC. Has she done that? No.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

btw... SIL told me, so what if you take her back, work on the M, wouldn't you be afraid that she would do the same in 5 years? What would you do then?

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Utterly Confused: I think that 'unknown' is very hard to deal with. I know that I always had a fear of 'would I ever be able to trust and feel confident about my H again if we did reconcile'.

Because I had no warning, and my H seemed very happy and then just announced one day he didn't love me anymore and then left, I know that I would probably have walked on eggshells the rest of my life thinking 'he seems happy, but maybe tomorrow he'll leave'.

So..it's a valid question you pose about what would you do if your W did it again in 5 years.

I think the longer the separations are, the harder that question becomes because we deal with more and more 'stuff'. If my H had decided to come back home and it happened fairly quickly, I think I would have felt more confident. The fact that months kept going by made me think about the risk factor if he came back. This is obviously a moot situation for me now, based on my current situation, but that fear was always there and I wondered what would have been the biggest risk..him wanting to come home and me feel insecure for ever, or me saying no if he wanted to come home and then never knowing.

Very difficult.

You have put up with alot for a long time. Thinking about you..take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
As usual, she blames me saying that on d-day she told me she wanted to separate from me, live on her own and contact an attorney to proceed with a divorce.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what is it that's really stopping her, other than you? If that's what she wants why hasn't she filed? Hmmm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I answered "what was I supposed to do? Sit on the sofa with my arms crossed and tell you OK, honey, go on with him, I'm happy for you. I will not fight for our M."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably not the wisest answer you could have given. (Chalk it up to that famous Latin passion, no? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) If you must throw something back at her, use her own thinking.

I'm sorry you're having it so rough at the holidays, UC. As always, I'm thinking of you.

MITT, thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, what my SIL told me is something that has crossed my mind several times before.

Kimmy! I've been thinking about you lately. I read your other post and I'm sorry you are feeling down. It must be hard for you right now especially with the holidays coming up. I may be dreaming but I think that if I am able to fulfill her most important emotional needs why would she have another affair in 5 yrs? Unless of course she was a serial cheater which I don't think she is. But you know, the other day I told my W that I would rather be unhappy with her than happy without her. See, the difference is that even if I was unhappy with her at least I would have a chance to be happy. I still pray for you and your family.

Whippit, yes, but keep in mind that the latin passion is what makes me more determined to fight for my M so it works both ways <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am puzzled too as to why she hasn't filed for divorce. On the one hand she hasn't met the requirements in TX to file for divorce but on the other what confuses me is why did she drop the lawsuit if she was in a hurry to get divorced a month and a half ago? See, the lawsuit was about custody of our son, my lawyer told me that the divorce would build on top of that.

I am still guessing she dropped it to prevent it from tying her up in TX, that way she can come to the midwest sooner. She told me today that she wants us to work everything out ourselves (as I suggested to her many times in Sept and Oct) and that all we have to do is get an uncontested divorce for $500 and two months later we're divorced. And I asked her what are we going to do when we don't agree on something and she said "we'll get a mediator." Again, something I told her I wanted to do months ago.

The other reason she gave me for dropping the lawsuit is that I've been sending her child support faithfully and that she is no longer afraid I will not seek custody of our child and that she didn't see the need to have the lawsuit and didn't see the need to continue to pay the lawyer. Yeah, right and I will sell you a bridge in the desert. I again reminded her that I told her all this in September and NOW she wanted to do it but not when I asked. She says that at the time she didn't agree with me but now she does and that she doesn't have to do everything on my timing. Is that what she will say when she comes out of the fog and I am no longer willing to take her back?

Utterlyconfused: I admire your determination. Yes, you should be right.

Thank you for your prayers. I keep checking your posts and following your story. Take care.

I am creating a new thread for Who Moved my Cheese

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Dec 24th: Day is not starting out good. Just venting. She called me this morning for some last minute details regarding Santa and at the end I didn't even get a "what are you doing for Xmas/where are you going?" nor a simple "have a merry xmas."

It hurts me to think that after 10 yrs and so many xmases together she will not even miss me. At least she told me that yesterday while shopping with our S, they sat down to eat and he said wistfully, "I miss my dad." This just tears me up.

I did send her two gifts each labeled from UC-dad and UC-jr. She said she received them and said thank you.

Anyway, I hope not to dampen your spirits with my venting here but I wish every one of you and yours a Merry Christmas. May the love of baby Jesus fill your heart and those of yours. If you are not christian or religious have a Happy Holiday.

I spoke too soon. I called my S later that day and she wished me a Merry Xmas.

Had a pretty good xmas with my parents, who are visiting my sister, in Chicago. We had a white christmas and pretty much a good time.

I called my S this morning and he told me about his presents, etc., but also told me mommy "loved" the presents *he* and I gave her. She politely thanked me for the presents.

I've come to realize for the first time that there may not be a reconciliation after all this. My W is very stubborn and I doubt anything will change her mind. Even if there is a break up with the OM she may still divorce me.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way today. Maybe the holidays just caught up with me. Maybe I'm just feeling down.

I feel withdrawal pains, this is so weird. Every now and then thoughts of the past come back to me, thoughts of a future without her, thoughts of a future between them. I know the odds are their R will not last but still, I cannot remove the thoughts that she's giving away what is mine and he is stealing it from me. And no matter what I do it can't be stopped.

Just venting. I really do feel withdrawal pangs; it is the weirdest feeling ever. I also feel like everything is doom and gloom regarding the M.

Is this the first step of acceptance? Is this the first step to Plan B, the first step to letting go?

My W and I briefly talked last night. Since she's been asking me what it would take for me to accept that there is no M and that it will never work out, I had the courage to ask her what it would take for her to work on the M. I was expecting her to say what she's told me several times, "it will never work, we have too many differences, I am not interested, I don't want to," etc. However, her answer came as a surprise to me. She said "I don't know." I asked her what she meant by that and she said "I am not ready to give you an answer right now, I need to think about it."

I am traveling to TX tomorrow and will see her tomorrow night and Sunday morning before my S and I leave for my parent's. Question for everybody is, should I ask her again when I see her. I don't want to push her for an answer. I should be mailing my Plan B letter in a couple of weeks.

Regarding the EN questionnaire, I asked her to send it to me and her answer was "I don't know if I want to share this with you." I'm like (but didn't tell her) "I asked you to fill it out, you do and now you don't want to share it with me???" So, what's going on here? Is she using this for the benefit of her R with the OM? If it is, that s*cks (among other things).

UC,

Maybe she is just afraid that you will react to the things that she has written in a negative way. Don't be too judgemental right now, you need to gain her trust and make it safe for her to open up....

Have you considered sharing your needs evaluation with her? It's very hard for anyone to be willing to be vulnerable, especially if they are afraid of the consequences of doing so....

Hope you are OK. I don't think you will be really doing well yet, but hope you are OK.

Let us know how things are in TX.
Still praying for you.

SS