Hi Sharon,
I read your post on Guard's thread that was bumped up. It's hard to believe that was almost 3 years ago. He's a completely different man today than he was New Years of 2000, when he was preparing to leave for the last time.

I don't know where the "real" Guard was...but I'm very glad he found his way home.

I believe it is ok for you to go ahead with the divorce for financial reasons. With your H's actions, you and your kids have to be your priority, he hasn't left you a lot of choices. And you've given him the opportunity not to have divorce as your top option.

Divorce wasn't God's plan for you, but your H's choices brought it into your life.

I wish you well and hope you will keep posting.

Thanks Lor, H_P (we posted at the same time) and SS,

I appreciate all you guys are trying to do for me. I am over my pity party from last night. I just got down for a couple of days and things started not to make sense again. But today I feel better. I know I will make it through.

H_P I wrote on your thread. I am thankful for your encouragement not to give up. I don't think I am giving up. Just changing my focus. I think I have mentioned this before. It is interesting the feeling of needing to validate the affair. I wonder how often this is true. I bet a lot. When this first happened some people warned me that even if H KNEW he made a mistake he might never be able to admit it to me or maybe even himself. This is the strength of character I talk about in my post to you. Hang in there. We will all get there, wherever there is.

SS, Thanks for the thoughtful post. Would you tell me how you do quotes I can never make it work. Your advice hit home. I was getting into the why? woe is me, thing last night. I know that is the wrong way. There is a reason this happened, and I agree maybe this is the only way for Heavenly Father to accomplish what he is doing. No, I am not saying it is a good thing, but answers can be very complex sometimes. We cannot understand everything. As you said line upon line. We can only hope someday to be able to see things with the Lord's eyes. The BIG big picture so to speak.

As for my connections. I just live in Pres. H's old neighborhood and some of his kids and grandkids still live here in my ward and stake. No real connections. I was just funning you.

About last night. Let's just say I was in a place I shouldn't have been and ended up having a narly old, willie nelson looking, biker man, coming on to me. Kind of scary but funny in the morning light. Needless to say I need a crash course in the single scene. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Lor, Guard's post really touched me. I didn't notice the date until later and for one moment I wished it was my H writing. I am so glad your H came to his realization before things were to late for you. A family is the most precious gift. I think that is why we try so hard to preserve. Especially in this day and age when families are falling apart left and right. That is what I wished and dreamed to do. It is my most fervent prayer that I will be able to hold this family together H or not. We love each other and are happy, there is a piece missing, a lost piece, I just hope it turns up somewhere.

Well HAPPY NEW YEAR!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I pray and hope for all your wishes and dreams to come true this new year.

Love to you all,

Sharon

Would you tell me how you do quotes I can never make it work.

You use the brackets [P] with the letter B in place of the P to start, and you use [/P] with B in place of P to end.

Your advice hit home. I was getting into the why? woe is me, thing last night. I know that is the wrong way. There is a reason this happened, and I agree maybe this is the only way for Heavenly Father to accomplish what he is doing.
We all do it, I do it some days. It is hard to be up all the time.
Remember we speak of Christ as the prince of peace, but he once said he came to cause a division. It is not that he wants to cause people to separate, it is that he polarizes them. We choose which side we are on, and that creates a split between those for, and those against. You have simply made your choice and H chose the opposite. Not much else you could have done.

About last night. Let's just say I was in a place I shouldn't have been and ended up having a narly old, willie nelson looking, biker man, coming on to me. Kind of scary but funny in the morning light. Needless to say I need a crash course in the single scene.
I must admit, I read this and started shaking it scared me so bad - knowing what you are trying to do.
I don't know how to communicate correctly why this affects me so much. Much of what I feel, I can't tell here. My older sons were fond of saying ( in their teen years) "it's not a big deal" when they did something against our family values. My third son just came back from the Tacoma Washington M. My 4th son ( 16 years) said that very quote and the 3rd son corrected him. He said " M. Russell Ballard came to our mission and spoke to us and he told us that everything we do has eternal consequences, and that everything we do is a big deal." Have you reached your goal to go to the temple yet?

This is hard, I'll just muddle through. I hope it doesn't sound like a lecture, for it is not supposed to be one. I don't know why you wanted to do what you were doing the other night. I don't know your background, or your history. I do know that with the goals that you have, you were in the wrong place. If you are always in the right place, at the right time, you will find what you seek. I don't think what you are looking for will be at that particular location. There are a great many things I wish I could say, but probably this is enough.

I sit and stare at the screen and wish I knew how say what I know. There is no way I can communicate so many experiences in a few words, indeed, it would take a long time even if I could speak to you. I feel to say be careful, but that isn't enough, not near enough. You probably know that there is a great deal of danger for us daily but we are somewhat insulated from it when we make correct choices. Please make correct choices.

It is my most fervent prayer that I will be able to hold this family together H or not. We love each other and are happy, there is a piece missing, a lost piece, I just hope it turns up somewhere.
Perhaps you said it much better than I can. If you want that missing piece to turn up, look in the right places for it. I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I am not near good enough at this.

Sharon, happy new year to you too !

SS

SS,

It's okay. I know what I did was wrong. I also know that Satan won't be satisfied till he destroys this family. You are right I have to be VERY careful. I know that too. It was a peculiar set of circumstances that put me in the situation the other night. They ARE NOT usual for me. I am sorry about what happened but it also reinforced my belief in my above statement.

Don't ever apologize for saying what is right and true. I must say that this whole thing has turned my world upside down. I know as far as trials go this is probably not the hardest thing. But it does seem to be the hardest I've ever gone through.

I haven't really ever explained the whole story here about the reasons that this A and subsequent events have been so hard spiritually for me. It isn't all about the A, it goes back about 4 years and has nothing to do with my H, it is mostly about me. Let's just say I feel lucky that I have been able to hold on. It would have been VERY easy for me to give up. I don't want to do that and it is a battle I fight almost daily because I am still not where I want to be.

I hope though that you don't feel that I take what happened the other night lightly. I know I mentioned it was kind of funny in the morning light. It was, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the possible implications and dangers. Through out my life I haven't always been one to consistently make the "right" choices. I can be a royal goof up sometimes. I have made significant strides in the last 10 yrs. But I recognize that I have weaknesses, when everything was hunky-dory here at home it was easy for me. But now, well it is true what you said about the refiners fire. I hope you don't get the idea I have ever been really "bad". At least not by the world's standard, but as far as eternal standards some of my choices have been less than stellar.

The interesting thing is that it was easier to focus on the Lord and what he wants me to do when I was really struggling in the beginning of this thing. Now that I am feeling better it is getting harder. I need to re-focus. I know it is because I was so focused on prayer and fasting and staying close to the Lord. With the desperation, sadness and fear of the initial 7 months subsiding, I haven't been keeping up.

Anyway SS. Thanks for your kind guidance. I hope you are all well and enjoying your new year. I welcome this new year in more ways than one. Chronilogically this whole thing, at least for me, started almost 1 year ago to the day. Jan 8. So a new year really represents a lot to me. I can't believe it has been a year.

Well thanks again.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
You are probably busy - with no time to post, so I thought I would make things worse and see if I could get a response out of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Often I think about things for a long time before I reply, but I doubt you are looking for instant help these days.

It's okay. I know what I did was wrong. I also know that Satan won't be satisfied till he destroys this family. You are right I have to be VERY careful. I know that too. It was a peculiar set of circumstances that put me in the situation the other night. They ARE NOT usual for me.
I admit, I was worried about a repeat. You have come to far for that. That's why I said I didn't know your history, but I was worried about you.

I am sorry about what happened but it also reinforced my belief in my above statement. Don't ever apologize for saying what is right and true.
I try to find the best way to say things. Sometimes I am harsh, but usually not. Isn't there one that says "a soft answer turneth away wrath." I try to find the softest way to say things that will still get the point across. There is no point in offending anyone here, if I can avoid it.

I must say that this whole thing has turned my world upside down. I know as far as trials go this is probably not the hardest thing. But it does seem to be the hardest I've ever gone through. I haven't really ever explained the whole story here about the reasons that this A and subsequent events have been so hard spiritually for me. It isn't all about the A, it goes back about 4 years and has nothing to do with my H, it is mostly about me. Let's just say I feel lucky that I have been able to hold on.
I am glad you have been able to hold on also. You should see me grin, I wonder about that story, but that's probably not one for this forum. I suspect there is a lot more to most of us then there seems to be. Many, many stories that we may never hear.

It would have been VERY easy for me to give up. I don't want to do that and it is a battle I fight almost daily because I am still not where I want to be.
I am not where I want to be either, and it is hard for me. But I believe I know what you mean. Please keep going, it's hard, but it's the only way. I think you know that.

I hope though that you don't feel that I take what happened the other night lightly. I know I mentioned it was kind of funny in the morning light. It was, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the possible implications and dangers.
I thought you were trying to make yourself feel better by saying that. Kind of like " well, I won't ever do that again, and I'm over it, so lets put it behind." You really did scare me badly, and I was shaking afterward. I am not sure why It affected me so much - except that we all have stories to tell, and I do have my own that make the fright real for me. I waited a few days to come and back and post, because I wanted to look at things with a little more detachment.

Through out my life I haven't always been one to consistently make the "right" choices. I can be a royal goof up sometimes. I have made significant strides in the last 10 yrs. But I recognize that I have weaknesses, when everything was hunky-dory here at home it was easy for me. But now, well it is true what you said about the refiners fire.
I don't know what to say about that one. It's pretty hot where I sit most days, and not just in July and August. I suppose that's what life is, improving ourselves. Some days it is a lot of fun, others it is very hard. Please keep on going.

I hope you don't get the idea I have ever been really "bad". At least not by the world's standard, but as far as eternal standards some of my choices have been less than stellar. The interesting thing is that it was easier to focus on the Lord and what he wants me to do when I was really struggling in the beginning of this thing. Now that I am feeling better it is getting harder. I need to re-focus.
We need some hardship but this is one I wish you could have skipped. Kind of like King David, and King Solomon. After things got easy, they slipped up. I keep telling Him that if it is better for me to have hardship in my life, then keep it hard. I do enough slip ups now, I don't need any more. It's just that it would be nice to have a few good months..........

I know it is because I was so focused on prayer and fasting and staying close to the Lord. With the desperation, sadness and fear of the initial 7 months subsiding, I haven't been keeping up.
Please keep up. There is too much at stake to let down now. Your goals are good, and they are real. I think you know that too.

I hope you are all well and enjoying your new year. I welcome this new year in more ways than one. Chronologically this whole thing, at least for me, started almost 1 year ago to the day. Jan 8. So a new year really represents a lot to me. I can't believe it has been a year.
Sorry to bring up sad memories. I trust you didn't have too bad a case of the blues. I hope one year from today, you are as happy as you could ever imagine.

Let us know how things go, probably slow with the legal work, but let us know. I would like to know how you personally are doing. Really, it's none of by business, but I would like to know, and it would be good for you to report.

SS

FBW,
Just checking in to see how you’re doing. Sounds like you made it through the holidays.
I spent Xmas eve with W and her family, but that was after she went to dinner with OM and his family. New years Eve I took our Ds to her family party while she went with OM. That upset her, but why should I stay home.
I am just waiting for W to file. She says she has talked to her Lawyer and he will serve me so I'm waiting. Her excuse is that she needs it to get rid of the guilt. Well whatever you have to tell yourself right.
I commend you for staying strong. I feel like I try but its never hard enough. I want to talk to my stake pres before I sign anything. I already talked with then bishop, but he really didn't have too much guidance for me. I did have a blessing from some of the guys at work, I got the feeling to fight it at the time, but now I am feeling as if I need to let go and fight from a different angle. It’s hard to go to church with my Ds and have to answer the questions of where W is.
I pray for you, that guidance will be bestowed unto you.
CD
Looks like if I don't sign it will be 3 months from now.

Dear Sharon,
Your thread popped up and I have a chance to write. I'm sorry the e-mails dropped off, sounds like your H isn't coming out of the fog anytime soon. It seems like you are in a good space. You know you went all out to save your m, there was really nothing more you could do. YOur H seems to have taken drastic steps to sever himself from you and his children. He is really hell bent on ending his M, and even his fatherhood to some extent. It is evident by the choices he made. These are choices he made, not you. And these choices speak to the depth of his moral crisis and illness.

He knows that he could change the course of events- he knows that he can pick up the telephone and call. Your lawyer's demands are simply the consequences of his choices. In his fantasy maybe he was going to walk away from you scot free of financial obligations. Don't forget, maybe you weren't making money but you were raising his children and being both mother and father to them. Your contribution enabled him to go out and focus on succeeding in his job.

I know you are nervous about his reaction to your lawyer's papers. Don't let him make you defensive. Take a stance as though it's out of your control. This is what your lawyer believes you are entitled to. You're sorry, you're a bit devastated right now so you have to follow your lawyer's advice, you just can't think for your self right now. I don't know if I would bother acting too strong right now. It might be better to seem like a weak, damaged flower who he's practically destroyed. Don't rile him up or fight with him obviously. You are sad over the loss of him, you are devastated- that's why you have to rely on the advice of your lawyer and your lawyer typed it all up in those papers. Yes, he might feel disappointed in the papers but after all, he has a new home with a wonderful woman who can make him happy. You're glad that he will be happy finally but he does need to take care of his legal obligations. And you are really too upset to discuss it, he needs to take it up with your lawyer himself.

Did I ever ask you how he felt about more children? Did you say he's had a vasectomy? (If so, does OW know?) Or is he planning to have kids with OW?

Have you ever discussed visitation? Does he plan on ever having the kids to his home 1,000 miles away? Or taking them during vacation? How often does he contact them?

When he says that OW has nothing to do with it, you can point out- Yes we had problems in our marriage created by both of us and OW had nothing to do with that. But you threw away your wife and family without one marriage counseling session, without making any attempt or investing any time to see if the problems could be fixed. And that has everything to do with the fact that you werre looking forward to, and impatient to begin, your new life with OW.

You've mentioned a few times that your H resented your religious involvement. Did he ever express this to you, or give you a chance to hear his concerns? Did your religious activities take up alot of your time, did he feel left out? Did you discuss your religion with him much? Did he have a say in your children's religious upbringing? What is his religion? Have you always been religious/belonged to your current church or has this changed during your M?

Hi everyone,
I have been around just not posting. It was nice to hear from you all. Guess I will answer in turn. You will have to excuse errors I am really tired.

SS, I am really trying. I have to admit that beginning to see myself in a new way has brought new problems and challenges. I wish it were easy but He never said it would be easy, only worth it.
As I said I have to re-focus. The last few weeks/days have brought some DRASTIC changes in the way I am feeling about EVERYTHING.
Today is the anniversary of my H leaving and I am not sad at all. I had a great day. Amazingly it doesn't bother me anymore. I had one last 4 hr. cry/pity fest on New Year's Eve and now I am really truly DONE. I don't think I would take my H back if he came back. I can truly say that he would have to make huge changes and REALLY Plan A ME for me to even consider. Right now I am happy, almost happier than I have been in a long time. I feel GREAT. I am doing things that make me feel good and confident in ME. I made some changes during my Plan A that were MUCH needed, in a way I have to thank my H for that. I never would have done these things without his leaving. Thanks.

CD, I can really relate to the getting rid of guilt. I think that is the reason my H wanted D so badly too. I am glad you are getting blessings and guidance. They really helped me. My SP and Bishop are great and really helped. I am sorry your wife is so bent on the D. I know how it hurts. But I also know it can get better if you let it. I don't know what your outcome will be. But stay strong and you will come out okay. I can't say that for our spouses though. Even though my H was inactive. HE KNEW. I know someday it will hurt and haunt him. Your W too. I feel sorry for them. I HOPE my D will be over in about 3 months. CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M WRITING THAT!! I can't. I NEVER thought I would feel this way. But now I am the one who is ready to move on. The whole thing is very sad but I am getting OFF the roller coaster for good. I pray for you too. I hope things work out the best for you. It is strange but sometimes "the best" isn't what we think it is. It was very difficult to let go, but doing all that you can to save the marriage makes it easier. I have no regrets and I cannot think of ONE single thing more I could have done. I can let go in peace. My best to you CD. Take care.

Espoir, I am glad to hear from you. Glad you could write. Yes up until about 2 weeks ago my H could have just picked up the phone and changed things. Not now. As I said above. I don't know what my H was thinking, what he wants, I don't care anymore. I hope he is happy. But I will be happy nonetheless and so will my kids. I don't need to know the why's, whats, where's and the how's. They don't matter anymore.

I don't care how he reacts to the papers... He got them. We filed this week. As far as more children for him??? That's up to him.

As far as visitation and stuff. He calls once a week and vists every 3-4 months or so. He has legal visitation set by our state, but he can't afford to have them come there much. It will be a problem for HIM. I am not going to worry about it. It is one of his consequences.

Him and OW. I don't even know or care what is up with them. They can get married for all I care. I know this sounds like a vent but it isn't. I love my H, I care for him, but I don't want to part of him anymore. He is no longer what I want. I deserve better and maybe someday I will find it. He did throw his family away. He didn't try. That is something he will have to live with. I wouldn't want to be in his position. I hope he finds happiness.

My religious involvement is/was my H's biggest problem, he says. We are both the same religion. I just came back to church after many years. He didn't want to dicuss church. But NEVER said it was bothering him the way he says now that it did. I did not try to force him. I would ask him before I took callings (church jobs) he never said no. He just silently resented me. He wanted the kids in church said he knew that it was best for them, but NOT for him. That he could never live that way. That I deserved to be able to find someone who did. Whatever. We could have talked it out, he didn't want to. I don't know if he felt left out. He was always invited to things. They asked him to do Scouting when my son was that age. He said no. He would not come to any of the kids programs or things at church. He says he hated my church friends and that they looked down on him. He never gave them a chance. I never complained that while we were at church he would go to movies or sit in a bar with his best friend. He never wanted to do much with us anyway.

I was born and baptised in this religion as he was. His parents were not church goers though. They just sent the kids. I did not complain if the kids wanted to go with him on Sunday, or stayed home with him. But it was my personal choice not to do things on Sun, and to go to church. He resented that also, but never said anything. I wish he had expressed his concerns so we could have worked through them. He never did. I knew he didn't want to hear about it so I didn't bring it up. He would always get really touchy and it was totally counter-productive.

Anyway everyone. I am sorry this is so long and if it sounds like an anti-H rant. It isn't. I am just in a different place now. My H has many good qualities and is a good man, but I don't feel like his wife anymore. He has done admirable things even during this whole thing. I am thankful for those things and always thank him for anything he does. But the feelings aren't there anymore.

Well, thanks everyone. I really do feel good. I am happy and getting better every day.

Take care all and my best.

Sharon

The things he is asking for I know will make H mad and defensive AGAIN. What should I do?
Your lawyer is not asking for anyhting. You are! Your lawyer is simply putting on paper what you say (or let the lawyer tell you) what you want.

Divorces aren't easy. Sometimes (okay almost always - 99.99% of the time?) one party or the other, usually both, will feel screwed out of something.

If you think your h may be coming around, tell your lawyer to sit on it for a bit. Is there any particular need to hurry?

Hi Sharon, I just updated with you I didn't know you had filed for D. I will be too in the next two week, guess where following the same path.

I am not happy about it, but I am pleased for myself that I have got this far, I feel I am sending him a clear message and doing it completely for me, not for revenge or to please anyone else. I'm almost certain this is how you feel - I'm sure because some of the stuff you've written I've said the last month or so.

Anyway I will keep checking in on you

Liz

Wow! You sound great! In a way, you really sound like a classic Plan A/B. Your Plan A was about working on yourself- as you pointed out- doing things you never would have if your H hadn't left. Making changes for you. And although Plan B was forced on you, it has enabled you to emotionally separate from your H so you are no longer hurt by his lack of response/abandonment.

It's so nice to read that you don't care. That you are focusing on making your life good. That it is about you.

Your answer gives me a better picture of religion in your life. It's too bad your H never discussed his feelings with you. And he never gave you a chance to take his feelings into account and make changes for him- using POJA. This character flaw will hurt him in years to come.

Hope the D goes quickly and has the most favorable outcome for you financially!

Thanks,

Seahorse, so good to hear from you. We've kind of lost touch. I am sorry that things are going toward D for you too. I guess we are following the same path. As I said sad. But I am ready. I just can't believe I am here, feeling the way I do now. I never thought it would come. But I welcome the change. Life is getting good. Heck, it's getting great. I hope the same for you. Take care friend and visit the ocean for me. Let me know how you are doing. I don't think I will be posting much but will lurk.

Thank you, Espoir. I always wished my sig. line would read as yours someday. Oh well. I am happy and doing well. Thanks for your help and concern. I felt pretty guilty about the church thing for awhile. But he did never give me a chance in that or in the M. So I can move on with no regrets. I know I did what I could, and I know I always had my families best interests at heart. So I am happy, with the decisions I've made. And I am happy and content with the ones I am making now, including giving up.

Thanks again and I hope you have a GREAT new year.

Sharon

If you think your h may be coming around, tell your lawyer to sit on it for a bit. Is there any particular need to hurry?

He apparently didn't love me. He said he gave up 5 years ago. 5 YEARS!!!! So I was living a sham for 5 years.
That is a standard load of dookie from all ws. You know it's not true. They do too but they have to at least think they felt that way in order to help justify an affair.

Chris,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I know it might all be a load, but as I said it doesn't matter anymore. There is not a particular need to hurry but I have no desire to drag it out any further. I want it done. IF there is any chance of reconciliation, which for MY reasons I am beginning to not want, it will have to be AFTER the D. I WILL NOT stop it now. That may sound stubborn or stupid but it is the decision I have come to.

Anyway thanks for your concern. Hope things are good for you.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm thinking of you. It sounds like you're doing so much better, so strong now! I'm feeling stronger too, and it is a good thing!

You said,

IF there is any chance of reconciliation, which for MY reasons I am beginning to not want, it will have to be AFTER the D. I WILL NOT stop it now. That may sound stubborn or stupid but it is the decision I have come to.

I don't mean to push you, but as someone who is divorced now and wanted to try before the divorce, why is it you feel that way? Why would you want to go through a divorce, and then remarry, instead of holding off on the divorce? I am asking only as I want your insight in particular as a BS. Is it to make you feel in more control, which is so understandable? Is it to show him you're strong now?

You must do what you need to do, but please know that from his point of view he may see it as you not wanting him or loving him at all anymore, EVEN IF you do. Just my thoughts--as how I experienced it.

Sharon, I ask this not to put you on the defensive but to try and understand perhaps how my husband (oops, exhusband) feels. Hope this makes sense to you.

Thanks again for your help and insight , Sharon. I'm thinking of you!

H_P