Hello,
First time on the MB. Not sure where to start so I will give a brief history. Been married 6 years with two boys. My wife cheated on me and our two boys(5 and 4)with an ex-boyfreind from highschool who got stationed with in an hour of us just six months after we moved to this area in Jan. 2001. She never told me that he was here but states she only made contact with him Aug. 2002. She claims this is the only person this could have happened with and that it is because he is her best friend. She says that she was never able to confide in me and that she can with him.

During the time of affair she moved into the guest bedroom but made no mention of the affair. We attended counseling during this time to work on saving our marriage but she denied any affair and placed a large amount of the weight of our problems due to my inability to trust her. There were obvious signs of an A but I felt guilty in questioning her because I was "supposed" to be working on my trust issues.

I finally gained concrete eveidence which she still denied untill I gained an emergency custody order for the kids. The next day she told me she cut it off with him and did so because the kids were too important and she realized she could lose them. This happened the happened the first week of December 2002. Since then we have come a long way and have resumed marital relations. We both admit to a great deal of love for each other but also having a tremendous communication problem.

I don't feel she is fully comprhended the level of pain and devastion this has caused me. She is also elevating and sanatizing this A with the OM. Today I showed her some comments that SH made in one of his articles. He said that:
" Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once. "

She had been date raped in highschool and upon me reading this to her to illustrate how painfull it is to me she lost it. She said that there is no comparison and that this was absolutly ridiculus. She said that I was completely insensitive for even suggesting this.

What are the thoughts on this?

Weeble --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you've had to join us; we'll help you with this all we can.

It's a puzzling and painful and completely disorienting experience and your W evidently has no idea how much so. Her casual dismissal of your thoughts and feelings about her A shows that so very well. She just doesn't know how much she's hurt you--no clue. Given that, you nonetheless need to have your reactions and pain validated. If she can't or won't take responsibility for this mess (if not now, at least at some point), it's going to be a very long and pothole-filled journey for you both.

To begin with, her reasoning is faulty. To say that "this is the only person this could have happened with" and it was "because he is her best friend" is absurd and demeaning to you both--as if those "excuses" could possibly justify her actions and poor choices.

It's unfortunately very common for the WS to try to blame the partner in a vain attempt to rationalize or lay blame. Don't buy it--this isn't about you, it's about her and her weak and irresponsible actions. You did not cause her to have this A; she did it of her own free will.

I'm encouraged that you've since "come a long way and have resumed marital relations." Your residual communication problems can be fixed with time and with good direction (i.e., counseling, reading, caring, etc.) and plenty of patience and commitment on both your parts, this marriage is salvageable.

She probably is at a place where "teaching her" about the situation and your pain will not be well received. She doesn't want to hear how badly you've been injured and certainly doesn't want to hear that it's her fault. Leave the article for her to read on her own, but don't expect that she will. Remember that you're growing and learning throughout this experience. Whether or not she can or will is really up to her. At this point, my guess is she's just not interested.

Are you still in counseling (job #1 here!) Does she still want a reconciliation? Is she sorry? Has she asked for your forgiveness? Is she still "sanitizing" the A? You need guidance and direction with this. Don't try to do it all yourself; it's far too big a job and, frankly, needs her participation and commitment so that recovery is feasible and solid. You can't do it alone.

Keep in touch with us. Weekends on the board are a little slow but some of us are around. We'll sit with you on this as much as you need. We're here for you...

Ammon

What a sad story for you. Your wife blames the problems with your marriage during counseling and her moving into the guest room due to the fact that you did not trust her. Yet during this entire time she engages in a sexual affair with a "best friend", puts your health at risk for STD's and lies to your face about it. She breaks it off only because she is faced with losing custody of the children which she does not wish. Her comment that is the only guy she would cheat on you with sounds ridiculous. She seems to have trivialized her affair. An expert in the field compares it to date rate and she gets angry about it. I have been through deaths of relatives and nothing compares to the effects of adultry.
It just seems to me that she is staying with you only because she does not wish to lose the children. Until she shows great remorse and understands the pain she put you through; I do not see how you can possibly trust and respect her. It really sounds like she has played you quite well and it sounds like she is insincere.
If the roles were reversed, would she be able to laught it off like it was nothing. I hope you both have been checked for STD's because you both need to have this done. I wish you luck because it sounds like you will have great problems if you do not get into counseling so she can comprehend the disrespect, and the humiliation she has done to you as a man, as a husband and to your marriage.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

First, I have to say thank you all, I was of course hesitant to post here as I do not like to admit I need help with much. I however realize that there is much I do need help with. That is one thing this A has done, I have developed emotionally in ways I did not know existed and if nothing else I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON after all this.

My wife saw the posts here and became very agitated by them. She feels that no one knows us or her and our particular situation. Although this may be true this story has been played out many, many times since the beginning of time and only the characters change. I attempted to illustrate to my W that there are some 25 thousand members to this site and that they all can not be wrong and making up the level of pain and devastation A's cause.

My wife is a very intelligent woman but does not take "criticism" well or, least as she say's, from me but I know that right now she is in the fog (although she will not accept that from me or anyone else right now and will be very upset that I or anyone else is "making that assumption". She does not think that what she feels or her attitude about the A will change with time or understanding. She may be right, I don’t know. For myself, I have to come to grips that I am in an emotional fog and not seeing things clearly. I realize this and that is my purpose here. This appears to be a good sounding board and not just a place to commiserate with other BS’s. That is not what I want.

I have and continue to make many errors in dealing with this, my wife and our marriage but I am trying to learn to become a better man…a better person. That is what I want help and constructive criticism with.

I suggested to my W that she post here to give her side since she feels it is not being given but she refused. My "view" is that she either is not ready or simply does not want to hear the reality. She say's she takes full responsibility for the A that she is not trivializing it and that she knows it was her poor choice. She emphatically states that an A in no way could cause the pain and devastation as a rape, death and other emotional damage and that she knows how I feel because she has been through it. I explained that this is not the same as past boyfriends and that I too have had girlfriends cheat on me but that this does not even come close to comparing. It is because of these types of statements from her that I know she is the fog.

So in the interest of fairness to her and me, please ask for any background that anyone feels is necessary in better understanding our relationship and this A. I would just offer it but I can be very verbose at times and I do not wish to weigh this MB down.

Basically though we have had a very bad communication problem and there has been a level of unhappiness for some time for both of us. My wife started meeting the OM she says just to have a friend to talk and confide in. She says that talking to him is easy and that he does not judge her. She had been distancing herself from me and staying out later and later. We had it out and talked divorce and then she moved into the guest bedroom. She states that in her mind we were over and that we were getting a divorce and although she knows it was wrong and a bad choice that was what was in her mind. This all happened in a matter of two to three moths mind you and the physical A happened very quickly or at the same time as separate beds and continued despite my pleading and to the detriment to our kids from her absence. The nature of the sexual relations she still emphatically states were out of love but occurred in parked cars at 4 and 5 am while other vehicles passed them!! and in hotels and while going out with OM and friends of his to bars and such. I “feel” right or wrong that this A obviously had a great deal of infatuation and was more of an escape for her from the pressures of home, me the M and the kids. Their behavior was obviously reckless and without thought and therefore implies such.

Well I will stop here (if anyone has read this far <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and please ask questions of me, give criticisms or suggestions.

Thank you once again…

Sorry to post so soon but upon broaching the subject with my W of an A even coming close to the level of emotional damage that a rape causes, my wife completely shuts down and “loses it”. She will not even discuss it and says that even the thought of such is bull sh… and even people like King’s Kid who has been through it is full of BS for comparing the two. This upsets her so much that I will not try to discuss it again but I need to know.

I have not been raped but I know how much this A has hurt and emotionally devasteaed me. I can only try to imagine how long the effects of this will stay with me and I can only imagine that the last thing my wife wants to accept is that she could of caused me “this” much pain. Even the thought of this must be more guilt than she can bear and therefore I will attempt not to bring it up again. I hope this is the reason for her reaction because the only other alternative I can think of would that she is that self-absorbed and uncaring.

My friend you have been emotionally raped and humiliated. I assume your wife does not see this because she felt that the marriage was over and therefore assumed that you felt the same way. Thus, this allowed her to have sex in cars at 4am in the morning with OM and at other places.
Since she mentally left you and therefore felt you realized the same she was therefore in her mind a free agent. She therefore cannot relate to you feeling emotionally abused since she felt it was clear to you that the marriage was over.
There is logic to this position. However, the problem is that you in fact did not feel this way and felt great betrayal, humiliation and disrespect because you still felt the marriage and the committment in the relationship was in tact. The problem of course was a failure of communication.
I understand your wife's position but you never felt the marriage was over and she needs to understand that. I think it is a waste of time to argue about whether adultry is the same emotional devastation as date rape. I would assume for some it may be and for others absolutely not. Nevertheless, when one person feels betrayed by a spouse that he loves and could always count on; the pain is enormous and gut wrenching. Your wife needs to understand again that many spouses cannot simply walk away from the pain and move on as if it was a bad cold.
Some simply move on and leave the marriage because the issues were not resolved and the pain was not sufficiently appreciated by the offending spouse. If your wife wishes to reconnect and have a healthy marriage with you she needs to validate your feelings and your pain. If she does not, then your pain will fester like a cancer and guarantee the destruction of your marriage. In short, your wife may not understand what you are feeling or comprehend it but she must acknowledge it and empathize with you. Ask her if she would feel all right knowing that you were screwing a girlfriend in park cars and other places and you tell her that you simply made a bad choice and it therefore is time to move on and get over it. I am sure she would have a different perspective on it. I am sure she would be wondering when you have sex is the girlfriend better than me, is my husband thinking of her when we have sex, does he sexually still miss his girlfriend etc.. Your wife seems to discount the thoughts that must go through your head at the present time.
I have no idea what to say to make your wife more compassionate and understanding of your pain. The fact that you have a need to post here shows you are still in pain. If your wife refuses to work on your pain then I am sure it will be her happiness and her marriage that will be at risk in the future. The choice is hers.
I wish you luck.

My first sexual experience was also being raped. And while there is nothing like the voliation of being raped by a stranger or even a date rape situation, I too would have to agree with SH on this one. (There are however many degrees of damage that a rape victim might suffer, which could possibly make a large difference in my opinion on this. ie. extreme violence/fear etc.)

Being betrayed is a voliation of our trust in THE ONE we trust most. It's having our emotions "raped" by someone we love. It's having our trust and beliefs in not only ourselves but in our very source of what should be the first one we would turn to for comfort.

It's losing the same sense of "self" which we lose during a rape. It's having someone else make choices and decisions which effect our lives without giving us any options. Just as a rapist does. Being betrayed is being "raped", not in a physical sense of course, but in an emotional one.

Your W can't understand as she hasn't felt the degree of betrayal that you have been dealing with. She understands the pain, sorrow, grief, and shame of being raped...this she has experienced and by doing so, she can't think of anything that could be as soul wrenching as rape of the body.

The WS, unless they have been betrayed themselves, can never truly feel and understand what level of sorrow and pain brings to the betrayed. Hopefully, they do learn to empathize with it and do whatever is needed to help ease the healing...but...unless they've been where you are...they can only empathize...they can't feel it.

Just as you can only empathize with her sorrow, pain and anger at her experience of being raped. You can't truly understand what she feels/felt. But you MUST empathize.

I'm glad to hear the affair has ended, I wish you much success on your healing path.

<small>[ December 22, 2002, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Weeble, I am sorry if I offended or upset your W with my opinion and my endeavor to support you. I did not intend to make her feel invalidated or to sound like I was discounting what happened to her in the past.There was no intent to add insult to injury.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Last night I spent a great deal of time going over MB. W did not say much and headed up to bed. I came up shortly and after some brief discussion she broke down and had to go back downstairs. I followed her and continued to prod as to the reason of her current discontent. She was visibly shaking and crying. I asked to hold her to try and offer some comfort and she replied “don’t you understand I can’t. If I hurt you this bad then I can’t, I am disgusted. If this is how bad I hurt you then I just can’t”. She was basically saying that she is completely disgusted with herself that she could have caused me such emotional damage and does not know how she would be able to be with me as a result. She was having a hard time dealing with the realization hat my pain and devastation could compare to her rape.

I told her that I am sorry she is hurting so bad and although I am not trying to compare the two experiences I do hurt very badly. What I can’t quite seem to comprehend emotionally (intellectually I can) is why WS are soo surprised as to the level of emotional damage their A causes. I know for me that is one of the primary reasons I could never do such a thing. When one gets to that point just prior to A is not the thought of their spouse and kids the biggest obstacle for them to overcome? It would be for me and therefore that foresight would never allow me to follow through with it.

Today we did not broach the subject and just did some last minute shopping. We are both very excited about the holiday but for me it is of course a very mixed “rollercoaster”.

Today more than others I kept having triggers that would send me into a brief depressive state. I know intellectually the absurdity of comparisons with OM and for the most part I do not think I am having that much trouble there but today the reoccurring theme kept creeping back into my mind. I keep questioning why she was so quick to do things with him and is there something about him that she could not resist. We have always had a very active sex life and she had told me one of the reasons she decided to be with me over this OM many years ago was our superior compatibility sexually. Now I feel that was a lie and that it is really the reverse.

My W is exceptionally beautiful, bright and fun and certainly gets more than her share of “looks”. Before I took comfort that she kept “those things” for me and that allowed me to not worry. Yes there is and I suppose always that underlying fear but I truly believed that she would not “go there”. Now that she has my world and view of her is completely jumbled.