Cry2Much-

Just got back from an alanon meeting for families and friends of alcoholics/ addicts, etc.

I do feel the affairs are so much like other addictions- and we the poeple who love these ws's hurt so much.... but wanted to add a few nuggets of wisdom to you I gathered this am.

Happiness is an inside job.
At any time when things go wrong you can decide to start your day over.
YOu have to take care of yourself in order to be good to anyone you love or want to be there for.
We can't control others.
Don't preach or lecture to others.
Decide to be happy, when people ask you how you are make your instant answer great or terrific, it can instantly lift your mood and theirs even if not true, you start to feel better.

Do things that you did when you were happy, you might start feeling happy again while doing them.

I know these things might sound pat, but they work, put them in the back of your mind.

Love yourself, you have to right now, and you deserve it! Go to church, support groups, even a cosa mting, codepen of sf addicts... I loved those meetings, but they are far from me! but I go on occassion.. support from others who have husbands who choose women or porn et c as a coping mechanism to make them feel happy...

YOu can do this, I want to know your new name if you change it. I chose mine when all the sad names I was picking were taken and My h had left and he always called me honey.. I wanted to be called honey again, so I chose it.. at times just being called that here, makes me feel a little loved.

Hugs to you C2M.. you will make it, you can and it will get better. Be good to snl so you know you did your best in spite of him....

Hugs and Love, Honey

Yes, the action of him not getting life insurance is a biggy with the judge. I am having another appt. with my lawyer. We are going for life insurance, immediately, at the same amount. No cutting it in half. And if he should die, it will all go directly to me. Which I will give all the kids a good amount. To get them going.

Also, he has no health insurance, which the judge ordered. We are going to talk about this.

A new subject came up. Physical therapy on Friday, asked me if SNL sent in the $350 payment (monthly payment) for this month. Has to be in by the end of the week. I said no, that he is stating that he is not going to pay it. So they scheduled me only for Monday, and if no payment comes in, I will not beable to continue with physical therapy. So I guess there will be no more healing. More of the thingy control. So I will notify my lawyers if this happens. See, more of the not caring, control thingy. I know that I mean very little to him. More and more actions are coming out that I am crap to him. Like I said before, kick me in the butt, and toss me in the ditch.

As far as talking to the kids, they want their dad here once in awhile. So I let him come. I don't hate SNL, but I don't like his actions, he is quite selfish. I don't like him eating our food, now that I have to feed three older kids on what I get. This is not easy.

I am in need of cat food, again. Now that we have 4 cats here.

Just hoping to sell some of the stuff here, and get some of this cleared out, and pack things that I don't want to display, and get rid of things that I really don't want anymore.

Maybe I should just go down to the bare walls, and leave. Been thinking of that, and leaving this state and moving. So many decisions to think about, so many things to worry about.

Also, I am on antidepressants. Been on for 2 years. I have increased the amount 50mg. Zoloft. Just increased it a couple of weeks ago. Had to, cause the depressiionn was very strong. Felt suicidal, and didn't like that.

Have to think about what a 52 year old woman with a disability can do. But also have to be cheerful and wanting to live. Which is not strong as yet.

I went to the store this morning, didn't get much, but spent 52 dollars. He doesn't realize how much I spend, didn't even get pop. Bought things reduced, with $1.00 off coupons, and vegetables that they put in $1.00 plastic bags, that are getting older. Green pepper, yellow peppers, orange peppers, and red peppers, 4 for $1.00. Got 4 bags, cause the kids & I love them and dip them in salad dressing.

Bought 8 cans of jellied cranberry sauce for 29cents apiece. This is good with chicken and pork. Just buy things like this to make side dishes. The store has a reduced rack for packaged goods. I always look to see if there is anything.

WEll, I have to get the kitchen cleaned up, and get ready for making a dinner later. Oh, yeah, I got 8 sweet potatoes for $1.00. So I am going to peel them and put them in a casserole dish, with some butter, and a tiny bit of brown sugar and whip them up. Should be good.

I just need to talk, and listen to you all.

Orchid, yes you talked to SNL, but he is not a caring man. Sometime I will call you. He is a selfish man.

C2M,

I have never posted to you before. I don't know where you live but you might want to check out JETBLUE airlines online it is www.jetblue.com and see if there is any reservation agent jobs available in your area. They train, provide you with a computer and you work from HOME! It is a good company with excellent benefits. Maybe some others know of some companies that have good
work-at-home plans. I know I have some friends that work for doctors, insurance companies etc., that work from home. This would be a excellent opportunity for you. You might want to check out agencies that help displaced homemakers in your area. In some cases they can help with employment, mentoring, job training, etc. Hope this helps.

Sharon

football, will look into jet... site. I need something that has good insurance, and good pay, and a decent work situation.

Not sure what the heck I am going to do, just living day by day, with pain, and trying to get things done.

Dinner today got changed drastically, so had to go to the store again. Changed to lasagna and banana bread and salad and garlic bread. All homemade. Daughter had her boyfriend over, and his brother. So had a big group to feed, and that is what she said he would like.

I feel I just give and give. I am so sick of giving, and wish that someone would look after me. I am going to talk to the kids and say, I am getting older, and really depressed. If I don't start getting some respect, I am going to disentegrate, and poof be gone.

Right now just sitting here on the computer, my back is really aching, and I have to take my meds. Once again, I have been doubling on the pain meds to sleep, and I will tonight.

Nights like this, I just feel like taking more and more, and that will be it.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good morning C2M,

I felt sorry for you when I read your post from last night. It seems that you are not getting information that would make it possible for you to make informed choices/sacrifices in your life. They are YOUR choices to make and you have the RIGHT to make those decisions; you also have a RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF to make the decisons that you are willing to live with. I'm feeling angry at your dr for not educating you--I will share a little bit of what I know.

First, PAIN is the body's way of telling you that something is wrong and to take care of it. PAIN MEDS are for PAIN MANAGEMENT (not for becoming painFREE). The dosage that a dr prescribes is the amount that he believes will manage the pain that is unavoidable. If the prescribed dosage is not enough to manage the pain, then something is amiss--either the dr has underestimated the dosage OR the patient is doing things he should not be doing, or is not doing everything he is supposed to be doing. Btw, taking meds other than the way they are prescribed by a dr is self-medicating--most times not a good idea.

We have many decisions to make when we live with injury/chronic pain. Sometimes something will be very important to us so we do it knowing what the result will be--and we make the decison to endure the consequences when we decide to go ahead and do it. Other times the consequences are not worth it, or we are not in a position to deal with the consequences, so we decide not to do it. We make these decisions many times every day. Sometimes we make a decision we are content with, and sometimes we make a decision we regret--and we learn from both results and apply it the next time.

C2M, besides the pain meds, what other pain management techniques do you use? Especially in the case of longterm pain, pain meds are usually the last item on the list for pain management and adapting your lifestyle is usually the first item on the list.

Sidenote: Many pain meds are mind/mood altering--this makes it difficult or even impossible to handle/control emotions and could contribute in a big way to becoming suicidal.

C2M, I hope this helps get you started. Talk to your dr about these things ok? Especially alternative pain management techniques.

Take care C2M

The information that I am getting is suppose to help me in ways, but no one realizes the day to day criticism I get, and the unthoughtfulness.

Today, I invited SNL over for dinner again. Had a nice chicken dinner, my oldest daugther is still here with her boyfriend, and he doesn't eat beef, so had chicken. SNL ate, in the kitchen, watching some program, while the rest of us ate in the living room watching Men in Black II. He actually cleaned up the food, which was really nice, I said thankyou. But did ask where the chicken was, needed to take the meat off the bone before storing in the refrigerator. He did ask why I do this, I actually can't remember, but something to do with the bones. Anyways, this was nice of him.

I asked him if he wanted me to cut his hair, cause it was getting really wild looking. He has naturally curly hair, and it needs to be short, cause it sticks out all over. And he is balding on the top. I asked him and he said if you want. I got the stuff set, and had him in the bathroom. Anyways, I started cutting, and it set memories off in my head. I started cutting, haven't cut his hair in 9 months. I thought of the last time I cut his hair, and it was an intimate thing.

He would want me naked in the bathroom, and he naked, and we would touch each other, and play. But of course the tension between us is so strong, that I just said, this is just a man. So he starts talking while I am cutting his hair. He says he doesn't have a problem paying me for the other kids in the house to eat. Suggested me saving all the receipts of food that I buy for this month. I said, more work for me, but I guess I will. Anyways, says he will pay for the other kids eating here, and I said, why didn't you want to earlier? Anyways, I will save the receipts and see what happens. Just seems like I have so much paperwork, and I am sick of paperwork.

The conversation morphed into bashing each other. He bashing me with lieing, which I didn't. And I bashing him with his affair. Spending money on the other woman, with my hard earned money as well as his. He said it was money he earned 10 years ago, and I said can't be, because we were possibly going to go bankrupt. Anyways, things got ugly, and I didn't have his hair cut done, just part of the back and one side, not quite done. He throws his towel off his neck, and slammed the door, telling me I am a liar. Saying he should of divorced me when I said I wanted a divorce. I said, I didn't want a divorce, but he wouldn't let me finish, and it morphed into an argument. I wanted to state, what was said a long time ago here on MB, people state things, saying things that mean they are not getting their needs met. I could not tell him anything, cause he was walking out the door, telling me I am a liar. I am not a liar, I just was not getting my needs met, and I told him earlier, that If I had a good counselor, things would of been spoken in a different manner. And actually if we both were to a good counselor, things would of been handled in a different manner. But we went to this counselor that deals with inmates. He was not a good counselor for marriages. I was upset, cause my husband was not meeting my needs. And I was not meeting his needs. Needs were never expressed in our counseling sessions. We never wrote down our needs. That is another clue, this guy was not a marriage counselor. He dealt with inmates.

SNL is not a perfect person, none of us are. He has good qualities, like all of us do. God does not make junk. I would of liked SNL to be more attentive to me, and his personal care. I hated to ask him to take a shower, brush his teeth, and etc. You know men, when you were dating your wife, you brushed your teeth all the time, and wore clean clothes. You wanted to look and smell your best. NOt saying you had to do this all the time, but put it at a high on your list. How would you men like us women to wear the same outfit for 3 days, not brush our teeth, not comb our hair, and not put perfume on, or take showers. No WAY!!!!

Woman are more into appearances, and so therefore they see their men and how they smell and look. Seems most men would like to dress according to their wifes needs, and be desirable.

We both criticized each other tonight. I hate that we cannot talk anymore. Not at all. I hate it. I am not saying it is more on one side than the other. We both are equally at fault. I am sorry SNL that our marriage has deteriated into a battle of who wins. I am sorry that we hurt each other with words tonight.

There is so much anger between us, and hurt. He is hurt for reasons too and angry. But, I feel he does not have the power in him to confess to all of us the damage he has done. I feel, I have done a lot of damage to our family, by putting him down in front of the kids, calling him names, and saying things like calling his woman a whore to him. I feel the other woman is of unsound mind, and has a sex issue. Her last conversation with me, (long time ago) she stated that her counselor said the same. That she was mentally unstable and had sex issues.

Anyways, I am sorry our relationship has deteriated to this.

He called me a little while ago to tell me to pay physical therapy by check tomorrow, and that he will reimburse me. Says, I belittle him, by telling you all that he won't pay the bill. I am stating the facts, and if he is griping, fine. But I am the one who will get stuck with the bill. So yes, that worries me. Basically, because he didn't reinstate our health insurance, it is my fault I guess.

There is so much damage between us. He was aking me while I was cutting his hair. Where I am going to live. I don't want to stay here long. I want to get rid of this place as soon as possible. The house is too big, and costs too much money to pay the heating and electric bills. I have to pay for 5 of us here. And seems lately, that we have been having 7 or 8 here. I want something that has a basement for storage and doing crafts of any sorts. I just want a place that is a ranch with 3 bedrooms and a private master bath ( 2 baths upstairs and 1 in the basement). I would like to make 2 bedrooms downstairs for guests, and if the boys want to live with me. Also, I want a garage.

This is one thing that SNL, didn't get done. Put up a garage. I have always wanted a garage to paint furniture, redo furniture, remove paint, varnish and stain. Also, I like working with wood. I would of loved for us to work on building some furniture. Him guiding me with the tools, and construction. I would of loved to help and build the furniture. Then we could of selected the color of stain, and I could stain and varnish, and we could of had a great piece of furniture.

Also, to put all his parts on shelves and organize his stuff. I am a organizer, and would of loved to put all his things on shelves, and labeled them, so he could find things, and keep an inventory of what he had and needed on a weekly basis. Instead he had things all over the house in boxes, and it really was disorganized. This upset me, cause it was like my organized side of my brain would say, clean this up. If I touched anything of his, he would get angry and YELL. I am a good asset to him, I kept things filed, papers in good order, when he let me. I tried to organize parts, to the best of what I could work with.

Like when we were working together on jobs. We worked most of one day organizing his truck. Labeled containers, and got things fairly nice. I would put stuff back, and try to keep things organized.

But now, he is working by himself, and yes I feel sorry for him. But we are divorcing, and he has to do this by himself. I am getting this house organized, and selling things, cause I want to downsize, and get rid of stuff. I can't afford anyhouse that is this big. He asked me where I am looking. Really don't know, said do you really care. He comes back with why shouldn't I tell him. And it just morphed into an argument.

I will tell him when I make a decision. I don't even know if I will get this house. So what difference does it make. All I know, is that this house is way too big, and costs too much money to heat, and I want an economical place. Someplace that I can put a wood burning stove in for power outages and someplace that is efficient. With walls 10" thick. I am looking into plans of an underground home. The front of the home, which is facing south, for passive solar. A house that is built into the side of a hill. This way the house stay cools in the summer, and takes little heat to warm in the winter. A garage that will be able to work in in the winter. For the garage to be built into the side of the hill also. Also, I don't want a long driveway, like this house. My place didn't get shoveled out, so it is one sheet of slipper mess. His place was shoveled out, by the kids. But when I asked the kids, they didn't do my place. I know I am a whimp. But if we had a short driveway, I could do it myself. SNL bought a snowblower a few years ago, but it doesn't work, so it is sitting on the porch.

So many issues to deal with, that is why sometimes I wish to just quit and die.

C2M,

Suggestion--just keep an envelope to put the receipts in. If snl needs them itemized on paper, give this assignment to one of the kids.

C2M, if it's too hard to be around snl without LBing, then you might have to limit your contact with him. I realize that you wanted snl to watch tv with everyone and that you missed the more intimate way of cutting his hair, but LB's are not a good way to deal with the emotional pain.

After you have started an effective treatment plan for depression and for pain management, you will be able to handle these situations better. In the meantime, please protect both yourself and snl even if it means you must be a little less giving than you would like to be. It won't be for long, just until you're not so overwhemlmed.

Take care C2M

You too snl if you're reading this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SNL is reading, when he was at my home, I went to the computer room and he was on MB reading. Anyways, to cut his hair, was a thoughtfulness, cause he was looking wild. When he gets his haircut at the shops, he gets it cut soooo.... short. I liked it with some fullness, I am not a professional haircutter, but learned by trying, and do a decent job.

Yes, he doesn't realize how many things trigger responses in my head. Maybe he is immune to the triggers, or doesn't care. They do bother me, and it is hard trying to deal with all this stuff by yourself.

Getting up and getting ready for physyical therapy. Going to call my Dr. shortly, to see about the new anti-depressant medicaiton.

My shoulder is so sore this morning. Hard to turn my head to the left again. Must of done something yesterday, or during the night. Unable to sleep on my right side, and I know I tossed and turned. Cause I would end on somewhat on my right and have to back off of it. Pain shoots when I put pressure on that shoulder, body weight pressure. Got to get going, need to get the cats done, and fish and dog, and pack.

cry2much,

I am going to warn you now that my post is even in my opinion tough...ignore if you need to...that is OK with me...but know I offer it objectively and with hopes of enpowering you and moving you away from where you are now....

I am a firm believer that our thought process can get stuck in certain a pattern...and that it becomes automatic in our thinking to continue this pattern in our heads....and that at times these thought processes cause us to stay stuck in certain path or belief....

I am concerned that you may be caught up in a pattern with your encounters with WS and that it is stopping you from moving in any direction...

And it is up to you to change the pattern...and lots of people advised that..and yet over and over you invite this person into your world...when the reality even if he behaved as a perfect angel there is no way in the world you could even see it or acknowledge it...you are in no state of mind to be around him at all period...

We can lable ourselves as givers....but when we volunteer to be givers...and then resent those in our lives that we are "doing for" it is time to stop and take a look at that pattern. It does no good to volunteer to do something and be angry at others....

cry2 you must stop letting this person into your life and THOUGHTS for a period...you need a break and time away from this....your mind is spinning and you relate every action, thing, and encounter to you WS...even innoculous things about yourself you relate to your WS...
example...

I had a nice dinner, didn't eat much, cause I was having a hard time dealing with SNL, and life, and everything.

We both are readers, he of course being a bigger reader.

I don't like him eating our food, now that I have to feed three older kids on what I get.

you have to stop stop stop...
You have placed unrealistic expectations on your wayward spouse that are really just blockades that stop you from moving on...
examples...

"Why is it that SNL didn't tell me he was happy that I asked to have him over for christmas. " Quit trying to make him happy quit waiting for him to tell you anything you do makes him happy...who cares about his happiness...that is his responsibiltiy NOT yours...

"he has to realize that their are a lot of hurt feelings in the family." No he doesn't...it might be nice but he doesn't have to...and he never may

"I know that I mean very little to him. More and more actions are coming out that I am crap to him. Like I said before, kick me in the butt, and toss me in the ditch." Quit putting your butt in his face to have the opportunity to do this....

I don't like him eating our food, now that I have to feed three older kids on what I get. This is not easy. Then quit inviting him to dinner...now today...no more dinners with HIM>..

"Dinner today got changed drastically, so had to go to the store again. Changed to lasagna and banana bread and salad and garlic bread. All homemade. Daughter had her boyfriend over, and his brother. So had a big group to feed, and that is what she said he would like. "

I feel I just give and give. I am so sick of giving,"...I am sorry cry2...but the time has come to quit ASKING what anyone wants for dinner...going shoppping AGAIN...changing a whole menu...and the RESENTING THEM for your actions and choices...time to say..it's meatloaf for dinner...all are welcome...if you don't like it...I do so apologize...but here it is....

You are making yourself hurt by volunteering for all these things...when you are in no position to do these things either physically or emotionally...so stop....

"The information that I am getting is suppose to help me in ways, but no one realizes the day to day criticism I get, and the unthoughtfulness. "
cry2 we hear that loud and clear...but what we also hear even right after your statement is you INVITED him to dinner....WHAT!!!! WHY!!!!

there comes a time when we own responsibility for some of the pain and disrepect we allow in our lives...some is certainly unaviodable...but when we volunteer for it...over and over again...by inviting toxic people into our homes...by placing expectations on others and then attaching our own emotions and agendas on them when they don'tmatch...all of these are in our own control...and you my friend must take that control back...

minute by minute, day by day...limit and detach your encounters with this person...for you ...and your safety and sanity....
What you have isn't working...it's beating you down...time to stop.,...

Ok I am done badgering you...but please please set some boundaries....
ARK

Just checking on you C2M.

Were you able to schedule an appt?

Post if you need to ok?

Take care C2M

Ark - I could see you sitting in the chair opposite me, and stating these statements. Yes, you are right, I have to not let him get me down, not expect anything from him, and give him nothing. I've been doing this for 25 years, and it is hard, to get out of a pattern of doing for others, and finally doing for yourself only. Today, I left early for physical therapy, and returned some things that were not necessary. I can use the money to buy things at the end of the season at 75% off. I am a money saver, and a good bargainer at garage sales. Which I don't do hardly, but I am now dumpster diving, and going through peoples stuff that they throw out in the garbage.

To get SNL out of my mind, is hard, and we interact every day with this business. Tomorrow, I am going to take and sand down my oldest daughters door (I got out of the garbage), a folding door. SNL, bought the track for it, and I am going to sand it and paint it a nice color, for her. Then the other room across from her, I got another folding door out of the same garbage, and SNL bought a track for that door also. So, I thought I might as well paint both the doors the same color. Also, I am going to clean the carpet that I got from someone throwing them out. I got 2 of them, about 8 x 10 an off beige, and all edged. And I put one in the extra room that is storage and an extra bed. I cleaned the rug in my daughters room, it is a 14 x 12. I have a little BISSELL upholstery cleaner, and spot cleaner, that I got out of the garbage, and brought it home and it works. Been using it for 2 years. The carpet in her room turned out really nice, and I did it twice. I am looking into SNL buying me a carpet cleaner, and trying to get ratings from consumer reports. I found one on the internet, that has a rinse tank. Never saw one of those before. So am looking into how much they cost, and what is the best for the price, without going into big bucks.

I won't beable to afford to have someone come and clean, cause it costs about $150 dollars each time. So I thought, might as well get a steam cleaner, that does upholstery. Have to look for motor power, so that the extraction is strong, to get the wetness out, and therefore drying time is less. My friend of mine told me to put a very little bit of Oxi-clean in the solution, and it did make the carpet in her room brighten up.

As far as calling my doctor. They are closed today, will open tomorrow, and only open 3 days this week. So I will call tomorrow, and putting in a request for medicaiton to get changed, and mention my depression, and thoughts of not wanting to live. So hopefully, I will be placed in to see the Dr. soon. Need to have anual checkup and mammogram done too.

Physical therapy, was tough today. She is really stretching the arm. And now I am experiencing pain running down my right arm. It is caused by spasms, took my drugs, and once again an extra pain pill. So I should be getting drowsy soon.

When the pain comes like this, is when I just want to fold up. That is why this post is titled as such. Pain does cause depression, and therefore I need to see my Dr.

Also, I am not looking forward to Jan. 2. That is the 1st year of death of my father, which I was really close to. I had a lot to deal with during his illness and death. SNL's affair, his ballistic attitude, and attention of my fathers death. I pray sometimes, that I will die, and my body will be creamated, and my ashes thrown over Lake Michigan or a nice field or a field of wild flowers. Something that is serene and filled with wildlife. That is what I want, to be with Gods natural artwork, with Gods waiting arms, to hold me. I want to be held and cuddled by God. I need someone badly to hold me, and cuddle me.

Bye for now. I like the name C2much - should of been my name during SNL's affair, I feel God was putting me in places to see his deciet and lies, and to realize that he was being unfaithful. Why would I get up off the couch, and put my shoes on and go pick up my prescription at the drug store. They didn't have it quite ready, and I stand by the door looking across the street and see SNL carrying a big white canvas bag in to the bank, and when I am done, I find him in the safe deposit bank. I told him about this, and I think God got me off the couch. Like when I needed a sweater or sweatshirt to go to Retrouville, and went back to our bedroom to get the sweatshirt, and heard him talking to the other woman. So many things that God was telling me to do. He even stated that he was amazed at what I found out. And to have SNL use my social security # for his new cell phone, and then I had all the bills sent to our house, cause he had them send them to his private pobox in canton, and then I showed them to him and he was so upset, but I said, I could get you for fraud. Like when we were out in her state, and that is when SNL had his sex with her. He rented a car, under my SS#, cause he has bad credit, and I found out about 3 weeks later. Called the rental car place, and I could of set charges against him. I was sent the paperwork, which has his signature on it, only he signed my name. I asked why he didn't check the drivers liense. They I bet do now.

So many things. And I am not proud of them, just seems that someone was tapping my shoulder, and telling me to go here and there, or be here or there. But I am in pain tonight, and I think the drugs are starting to kick in. Maybe I am becoming addicted, and tomorrow, I will need 3 Lorcets for pain. Anyways, all for now.

C2M,

When you talk to your dr, let her know that sometimes you double your pain med dosage and that you feel that you might need to start tripling it. Your dr will be able to sort it out with you.

Take care C2M

Yet Again - I am up early, with Pain. Took another pill. I will let this Dr. know what pain meds I am on, and spasm meds too. This is not the Dr. that prescribed them, my ortho. specialist that did the surgery did. Will talk to the nurse of my Dr. first, and give dosage and name of med. to her, and my depression. Ask if Lexapro would be a better choice right now.

Knowing that this pain is temporary is true, just wishing faster progress, range of movement progress, and less pain and spasms. I am exercising as recommended at home, physical therapist found that going into the pool and doing my exercises are beneficial for her, my body is less ridgid, and manipulation is a bit easier. She puts heat on the area after I am done in the pool, and then manipulates, and then after I get 20 minutes of icing.

Yesterday, physical therapist asked how weekend went. She sees that my shoulder was tight. Talked about emotional status, and relates tightness to emotinal pain. And of course I had to talk to the person who receives payments. SNL finally told me Sunday night to pay the $$$$ that they want monthly to pay off the overdue amount. They have been after me asking if he has yet sent the payment in. Knowing this issue of $$$$ gets me down, I try to not be focused on that, instead trying to focus on doing my exercises and healing. SNL asked me to have phpysical therapy talk to him only about payment, but I am the recipient of treatment, and I signed the paperwork, therefore, she has to ask me first. Yesterday, I did talk to her yesterday, and asked, if possible, could you call SNL, and make arrangements with him about payments. She said it is my/SNL responsibility to have payment on time. She will call him, and arrange for payment to be on a specific date. But if not received, she will talk to me. All in all, I am the responsible party, and if it is not paid, I will be asked for payment. Delaying bills is hard to deal with.

SNL has many bills, mostly medical bills, that he does not pay. Which results in bad credit ratings. Some of the bills are 3 ? years old. He feels that hospitals and Drs charge too much. Our oldest daughters credit ratings have been damaged by her surgeries of 3 years ago on her left hand, which she broke 3 metacarpals on a horse. These unpaid bills results in collections calling often, and bills being sent regularly.

This is a source of disagreements, which causes tension. SNL did not reinstate health benefits, therefore, my surgery had to be paid out of pocket, and recovery out of pocket. I fear for our family, that if anything major happens with any one of us, with no health insurance, we will lose everything. And with him not continuing the life insurance, after I wrote the check to pay for the this year and part of 2003, for both of us, and him canceling it, that is another source of tension. Seems, insurance is of no value to SNL, but it seems to be causing a great deal of stress. This is some of the effects of giving up. Tired of trying to be reasonable, and asking why? Like my ortho. shoulder specialist said to SNL, you should not have a family and not have health insurance.

Maybe some of you do not see, the risks SNL is leading our family into. I was always the one to make sure bills were paid on time. Trying to save pennies here and there. Now it is all out of my hands, and SNL has complete control. He states he is buying groceries on sale. Which he is for himself. I buy many groceries on the reduced rack, and meat reduced for quick sale, because of date of sale. There are other things in a family that need to be taken care of. Insurances for one. Never thought, that SNL would jeopardize the family with no health insurance or life insurance. If he would die tomorrow, this family would be in deep financial status.

Yes, I am a worry wort, part of the giver in me. Trying to make ends meet and everyone taken care of. Therefore, there is much more tension in this family, than spoken of here. SNL was always good in finding insurances, but the last few years have shown a different story. I still feel he is in a midlife crisis, stating words of depression, and actions of depression. I just am not able to handle all of this, and seems things just keep getting worse.

Trying to cope with $$$$, insurances, bills, physical therapy, losses, family torn apart, daily calls of collections, is hard. Our one son the older one, when the collections call, he deals with them in his own way. I have been just giving the collection depart. SNL's #, but they are so persuasive, so they must call all the #'s. CAuse we are still getting calls here.

Just an update, will talk to the Dr. later, when the office opens. Needing to sllleep now. Can feel the meds. kicing in.

Hi C2M,

C2M said:
"I am up early, with Pain. Took another pill. I will let this Dr. know what pain meds I am on, and spasm meds too. This is not the Dr. that prescribed them, my ortho. specialist that did the surgery did. Will talk to the nurse of my Dr. first, and give dosage and name of med. to her, and my depression. Ask if Lexapro would be a better choice right now."

Are you still going to print out ALL the posts from your two recent threads and give them to your dr(s) to read?

I think that giving your dr(s) copies of all the posts will give your dr(s) a better understanding of your situation so that she can form an effective treatment plan for you.

Take care C2M

cry2much,

My state has a program that offers medical insurance to those beneath a certain income level - it is actually a version of Medicaid. Also, free hospital care is available to those of low or even moderate income. Is there something equivalent in your state?

No one should be denied health care because they can't afford it.

Hi Nellie,

That is a good idea for many people, but I doubt that C2M qualifies. First she must allow her attorney to do his job and take the legal steps to make snl responsible for what he is financially responsible for. Until she takes the steps she is responsible for taking, she neither deserves nor will receive state assistance.

It is up to C2M to decide when/if to take these steps or to continue with the current way of handling finances. This is a decision that only C2M should make, not us--since she is the one who lives with the result, not us.

Yet again - yes I have the posts printed out already. I called this morning, and the office is not open till thursday. I thought the date was today, so I have to wait till thursday.

I am going to express an urgent need to see or talk to the Dr., and say that I have posts printed to read. Express my feelings of being down, and not giving a crap about life.

As far as health insurance. We could of afforded it, but SNL decided he didn't want to pay any more health insurance. So, we are out of insurance. I am getting the message about SNL, that he is doing this purposely to shove me further away, a passive agressive scheme. To have me see him as not caring, and I guess he doesn't. Otherwise, who in their right mind would allow their family to live without health insurance or life insurance. The caring is not in SNL's mind, that is what I see, and others see. This is a severe midlife crisis he is in. It is all about him, and the heck with the family. Of course, he would take the kids on a vacation, always has money for vacation or gifts to buy for christmas. I was very conservative, and didn't buy much, just what I could find on sale, and with coupons. But here he is shopping the day before, and buying. Why didn't he put this effort into health insurance, and life insurance. There is a problem with his priorities.

He stated here tonight, that I can work for my son. I said, I want to work for someone who has good insurance, and good benefits. SNL comes back with money is the object. What if you made $100,000 working with son? I said, I would like a guarantee of income weekly, and benefits. I basically fear the next 20 years are going to be downhill for health. We are now approaching the later years of our lives. 50 is halfway there, and we both are 52.

I don't know if we have insurance for low income, or if it is just medicare. If it is medicare, that is what I guess I will have to have. SNL doesn't care, what Dr. I get, just as long as he doesn't have to pay for it. But I bet, when he moves out to the state of Arizona where his other woman is, he will have health and life insurance for the two of them. Our kids have no health insurance either. He doesn't see, one accident could put us down so low, we will never see the top. But that is what happens when one is in the FFOOGG so.... badly.

If he cared enough, he would of had insurance of both types.

He tells our youngest daughter she is 19, she is complaining that we didn't do anything this christmas, no vacation or nothing. He tells her next year. So he can afford to take the kids on vacation, now that he will be a single dad. But he can't afford to pay me alimony the rest of my life, provide health insurance, or life insurance. There is something wrong with the picture in his head. But of course, he will buy them, and I can't, so the kids see me as the one who is boring, and not exciting. I am trying to feed many people here, on the one child support. It is not getting it, and he doesn't seem to care.

Going to take a bath, and soak in the hot water with bubbles. Shoulder is sore, and need to have a relaxing bath. I saw a plastic piece that you can put in your bathtub for laying in a relaxed position. I might purchase it, for soaking. My neck gets so cocked in the tub, and I find it difficult to really relax. I can't remember where I saw it. Maybe the Bed and bath shop. But I saw it and said, maybe that is what I need.

Will update when I do talk to the Dr. What a time to have to talk to a Dr. the holidays. They deserve the vacation, they work their butts off, and they deserve time off.

Just a little silly that happened tonight. I had the bath running with bubbles. My oldest daughters kittens are living with me. Demsey is the beautiful gray fluffly little boy that is neutured. He was watching the tub fill up with bubbles, on his back tippy toes. I got in, andhe was so mesmerized with the bubbles, I laid down, and put the hot dishtowel on my chest. It runs up to my chin to help with the spasms of my right shoulder. He jumps on the ledge of the tub. He is watching all the bubbles, pop, and I was making them move around. He puts one paw on my chest, then the other, and then his back feet. He is in a resting position laying with his feet curled on my chest. Then he puts one paw out and pats the bubbles. The problem is his butt end is towards my face, but he was soooo.... cute.

Just a little cuteness to end this rotten 2002 year. SNL was here before I was ready to get in the tub. Basically just asked if there were any service calls, and said the pizza was good. But nothing else. Said, he is going to get in for the rest of the night. He said probably someone will call for a service call. I said they might. No happy new year, no how is your shoulder, he was here earlier and I forgot to get canned cat food, so he said he would get it at Meijers, cause that was where he was going. That was why he stopped here again, to drop off the cat food. I did thank him for the cat food, like I stated before, my mind is so out of sorts, can't remember hardly anything.

I plan on going somewhere for the weekend. Not sure where, just to get away, and get relaxed without anyone around? Is this wrong or what? Somehow I mentioned this to him, and he asked where you are going, I really don't know, wherever I end up, he said how can we get a hold of you. I said, I could call my mom and give her the phone # where I am at. Or I could take my cell phone. Is there anything wrong with just going and leaving and just being by yourself? What if I feel the need to be alone, just to cry my eyes out, or just to sit in a room and read, or just to walk in the woods, or just to do nothing, but stare at the walls. Is there anything wrong with this. This day is hard to deal with, nothing to do, just have both boys here, and one son has a friend over. But I could use a party or something. Something to recognize the new year. Then I have to deal with my dads 1 year death on Jan 2.

I took the old calendar down, and have my new one up. I worked on all the dates, and highlighted all the occasions coming up, and school activities, and things. That was hard, my dads death of 1 year I put on there, his birthday would of been January 10. I put SNL's birthday on the calendar, and kids, and parents, and siblings on the calendar. So hard.

Then to hear SNL softly talking to my youngest daughter about next year doing something. So disrespectful, but he doesn't care. He knows I can't afford anything, but he will pump up all the kids with a vacation, and leave me to fend for myself. Yes, SNL, I am talking about you, I am not deaf, and that hurt today, to hear you say that to daughter JDB. Do you think this helps, do you think doing things like this makes things better between us? It hurts SNL, and yes, I am crying right now. I don't know why you are such a unthoughtful person. I have feelings, and hurt daily with pain.

I asked him if he got his haircut. He said his hair is fine, like shut up and don't ask. Excuse me for asking, I just wanted to know if he got someone to finish the job I started, and SNL left in a anger mood.

I do care SNL, but you seem to make sure that you show nothing, and seem to care so little about me. Hope you are able to face the mirror, seems life is so unfair for the betrayed spouse. YOu are getting what you want, a divorce, so like the others said, I need to protect myself, you are not there for me, I am the only one who is protecting myself. You have made it abundantly clear, and this hurts. I still love you, and you told me to unlove you, why don't you decide if it is that easy, to love me.

C2M,

I hope you weren't referring to my posts when you said these things:

"I am getting the message about SNL, that he is doing this purposely to shove me further away, a passive agressive scheme."

"The caring is not in SNL's mind, that is what I see, and others see"

This is not at all what I intended in any of my posts, so if you got this impression from my posts will you please show me exactly what I said that gave you this impression (so I can make the effort to be more clear in what I write)?

As far as I can tell, my posts have been to and about you. My intention is to do what little I can to support you in the hope that you will not commit suicide before having the opportunity to see your dr. You have a lot of life left to live. I'd like to see you take the opportunity to live well!!

Take care C2M

C2M,

Please focus on getting yourself through these next couple days until you see your dr.

Please take your focus OFF snl. It is NOT helping you at all, and you don't have a clear head right now to sort it out.

Please, C2M, just take care of yourself these next couple days. I wouldn't advise going away by yourself unless your dr ok's it.

C2M, you may have to go to the hospital (even with no insurance) if this gets any worse.

snl--if you are reading this, please continue to help C2M however you can. A man does what he knows is right even if he's not getting credit for it. Oh, and follow through with the judge's orders too, ok?