C2Much, is it inappropriate to ask here what state you are in? I'm in Ca. Now, when we were about to divorce, and saw and atty, the way it goes here is I get alimony for life! Even if I remarry. And health insurance can be ordered also for H to pay for. We are not divorcing,but if we did, I'd not be having to worry as the length of time we've been married, assets accrued together, etc. You've been married a long time, have you not? Doesn't matter if kids are grown, you are entitled to alimony and if he won't pay, it can be taken from his pay check. If he has a business, at least here they will go stand in the business and confiscate the money coming in to meet the court order! Yeah! Either you're in a state without good laws, or you're not using them. Could it be you have a bad atty? All medical could be ordered that he pay for as he did the injury also. But your care is his responsibility either way. Just a bit of info that might help. Get tough and quit letting this guy call the shots! Maybe that's why mine doesn't want a divorce now? LOL Because he'd still be paying me for life! I loveo California laws! LouLou

Maybe you are right, I shouldn't go away. But the need to just go somewhere, just to get out besides going to physical therapy 3/week, I need something else. I just got done making ginger cookies for the boys. They are really good. Ate one, and the boys can enjoy the cookies.

Well, it is now 2003, what a crappy 2002, wish I could go back to 1995 and relive the life, knowing what I know now. No one to say happy new year to, no one to kiss, no one to hold, or hug. Just myself and this computer. Kids and I said happy new year, watched Jay Leno and the BAll in New York. Oh well, another year, another crappy time in this house. Just dealing wtih SNL and his whining about lawyers, if he wants this divorce so bad, why does he make me the victim, and say I am wasting money, when he is the one that procrastinates.

Hopefully, the Dr. will recommend new medication to take. But I am thinking about going away for the weekend, or just one night. Stay at a motel, and just sit and cry. Or maybe have fun, find a bar to go to, don't drink, but find something to do. I don't know.

It is amazing how alimony differs from state to state. So in Ca. (I am in Mich.) you get alimony for the rest of your life, even if you marry again. Pretty cool, considering it was a long term marriage. Ours was 25 years, this past Dec. 17. You haven't had to deal with SNL, he is so adamant that he is going to do things his way and only his way.

I do have good lawyers, but I am getting burned out, and SNL wants me to cancel my lawyers. I am also running out of money, so it seems I am losing all around. My lawyers were highly recommended, and I know one person who used him in her divorce. Hey, if this is what SNL wants for me, to be in a ditch, then that is what I have in life to look forward to. While he goes on his merry way, making good money, and providing his OW with what she wants, and all the other stuff. Just get rid of the old lady and get the new lady, and live a life of newness, new body, new sex, new kisses, new everything. Forget about this woman, who gave birth to 4 healthy babies, and raised these children, during the hard times. And don't forget about the one baby that was a miscarriage. Forget about the wife that was there for you, helped make this business a success, while working another job, plus taking care of the kids, and building a house. I did plenty, and worked hard for you, and this is what I get, a kick in the butt, and tossed in the ditch, to sink or swim. The current is getting stronger, and seems like I just want to give up and go with the current to the end.

WEll, I guess I better take my medication, and get to bed. Just drug myself, and sleep forever would be great. But I have the kids to think about. So for now, take my meds. and quit for the night.

C2M,

I read your posts and I am touched. But I also want to offer you strength. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you are going through. But I do know one thing. You DO NOT have to let it destroy you. I know this is going to sound harsh, but SO WHAT if your H moves on to the wonderful, fantasy land you invision for him. Truth is it is as much a fantasy in your mind as it probably is in his. NO ONE gets through this life pain and trial free. Who are you going to let win here? YOU or your H? You can win. I know it may be hard, I know your problems may seem insurmountable at this time. But you have the power within yourself, you have the power of a loving God. You do have all those things that you say your H has forgotten. YOU DID all those things, be proud of what you have, what you have done. Your H, OW, they cannot take away your life, accomplishments, your dignity.

You have control over your own mind and heart. Not your H, or anyone else. YOU!! Believe in yourself. Give yourself some credit.

You do not have control over your H or his actions. He can make his choices good and bad. Make YOUR choices. I know he has hurt you, I know he has abused you. But he cannot, will not EVER control your essence, your spirit. It is your God given right to control your destiny. Even if you are locked in a cage, your mind, heart, spirit, imagination can transend any earthly bonds.

Stop looking to the outside and trying to control things you cannot possibly control. Focus your energies on things that are within your power to control. Focus inward. What makes C2M shine? I am not talking about being selfish. Service and love shine outward. Think of life. Some of the most accomplished, loved and admired of mankind are those who have survived. The easy life does not make strength.

C2M, you have people here who love you. You have family who love you. You have God who loves you. Please don't give in to the wisperings of Satan who would want you to believe you are nothing. Listen instead to the still small voice that says C2M you are wonderful, worthy and deserving of a happy fulfilling life.

Sharon

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>

What a wonderful post to read on the first day of the new year! Thanks football widow!!

C2Much,
It is so easy to listen to the negative part of our mind. I would replay things over and over and get really upset. It is hard to control sometimes,but, God can help you. Read the Psalms...
and get on a different anti-depressant.
Pray, pray, pray
Hard to believe right now you'll make it, but you will!!!! We have all been there.
You'll be okay. You have to tell yourself that.
Warmly,
KK

football - what you wrote is beautiful. Just hard getting through the days. SNL called me last night and says he doesn't like what I am posting here on MB. Was aggressive, and said, state what he wrote to me in his e-mail. So here it is:

He doesn't want me to do personal things for him. Too confusing to him, says I want nothing to do with him, and talk disrespectfully to him. Says, for a long time that I think it is ok to say whatever I want to him. He says he is a good person, worthy of respectful treatment. My comments about whores, sex, lies money issues, is unacceptable. Says I have the nerve to write on-line that I love him. He says, no thanks, he doesn't want that kind of love so please 'decide' not to love him. Said I spoke about divorce before. I use him as a punching bag. Says my pain is no greater than his, he endured my sharp tongue for years, lack of emotinal support, and emotional neglect. Says I am not the perfect loving supportive wife, but a full partner in a highly dysfunctional lonely marriage. Says we both broke our vows, and your sins are no less than mine, God does not rate sin. He says he has apologized for the last time for calling me names, for the affair, or any other past behavior. I continue throwing this in his face reveals I have issues with conflict resolution. He says he has done his best to find some kind of common ground between us, a healthy interaction, to no avail. He cannot seem to get through to me. He cannot stop me from making him the reason for everything that is wrong with us. He says he doesn't have to participate. Says I complain he doesn't pay any attention to me, don't care, and I drive him away. He will no longer try to act in any caring supportive manner, it just leads to verbal abuse. He says he does care, but I am going to have to ask him to meet any need I might want. He will confine himself to communications about the kids, and financial issue, no personal comments. He will continue to worry about me and my well-being, but he will not ask anything. However, if I need something, or can talk respectfully, he will be willing to do so. This seems to be the only way to avoid the very hurtful behavior that goes on between us. He states it is obvious his presence, is a source of irritation to me. Says, so take him for all I can (my threat to him) and x him out of my life, if that is what I must do, it is not what he wants, but it takes two and I am clearly the one to not be motivated to have any kind of a healthy relationship.

I read this, and have feelings about what is stated. Just wondering what you all think! Would like info just to place yourself in my shoes and read this.

C2Much. I hear despair in your post. You have been dragged through this so much you are losing you fight. Whatever you do, get that much needed time away, or get some family members to watch kids and get out some. Whatever you do, do not give up your fight for your rights. Even in Mi, I can't believe you cannot sue him to pay your attys, and take care of you. there is the injury as well to sue for. Just because he's your H, doesn't give him lawful rights to abuse you. Have you been a stay at home mom? Did he ask you to stay home with kids? If so, make sure to ask your atty to include money from him to retrain you for job, good one! Your depression is also one thing you can use for payment from him. Inability to work caused by his abuse and infidelity. States vary, but laws are about the same when it comes to damages! Never, Never give up your fight for your 25 yrs of life you gave to this man. Use every avenue available to fight for it. I think you need to regroup,because I think he has intentionally done things to pull you down and make you lose your strength so you will just give up and let him have what he wants. NO WAY! Stand and do whatever it takes in the way of therapy, meds, counseling, atty. and even if you have to seek legal assistance from state. With your injury, which he caused, you're not able to work right now anyway I'd think. Use it! Good luck and you're in prayers. LouLou

C2much, I do know that as long as we keep bringing up past issues, we can not move forward. Some of your H's complaints might be legitmate. But both are usually at fault in a dysfunctional marriage. It's the way one deals with it that causes more problems. The hardest thing in the world for me is to stop questioning, and bringing up the past hurts. When that continues, it kills any chance of recovery. I think that is what you have to work hard on. In counseling or here or wherever. Vent it all out,it is valid what you feel, but telling him will do no good. The guilt just keeps building until they give up.Don't know if this helps you, but I've had to resolve to leave it all in last year and not take it into this year with me. Things are starting to go well and recovery is doing good. God bless, LouLou

Reading his e-mail, maybe I am out of whack on thoughts, but it seems he has done everything, and I have done all the damage. You know, this is hard, cause he knows who was the one that did the financial stuff, he knows who is the one that took total care of the kids, we both decided that I was to stay home and take care of the kids. It would of cost too much money to have daycare. That is where I took kids into my home and provided care. Gave piano lessons, and made sure the kids did their homework when they got to my house from school. And when the last child of ours was born, he had problems. I was going to pediatric drs. for evaluations, and he was diagnosed as having weak back muscles, and failure to thrive. We had physical therapy come into the home 2/week, for his muscle strength. And he was seeing the doctor every 3 weeks for progress. When he started walking, he had to wear a helmet, cause he would fall easily, and hit his head against the wall or whatever. This was not easy, and having 3 other children already. Plus taking kids in. I tried to please my husband, I was tired, and worn out also.

He doesn't seem to see that my role was as tough as his. There were many days, I wished that we could get away, by ourselves for the day, the night, just the two of us alone. Just be husband and wife for a short time. But he didn't want a babysitter, I did, and felt I found a good sitter, but he said no.

So he didn't trust me, or didn't feel I was capable of being a wife, who knows.

Just some thoughts, and input on the e-mail he sent me.

c2m,

Just some quick thoughts, ok?

1. If SNL has 'any' care left in his heart. Let him show it to you. Don't ask for it. If he doesn't then his non action will speak volumes.
IMHO (remember it is just my opinion), for as eloquent as SNL can be he just can't show and say his true feelings. He may even be willing to live the rest of his life in anger..... as a result. That is his choice. His words his own words to others will ring in his ears. SNL does have good point also, right? You often defend those good points. Well don't forget them. That is what you learned to love. He needs to remember them also. IMHO again, it seems SNL is giving up on himself. That is his choice. He doesn't have to and I certainly wish he wouldn't. He is a talented man who is currently letting his pain hide his goodness. SNL, it doesn't have to be this way.

In my case, my son and I did wish our WS happiness. Even my son said so.....such a wise boy at such a tender age. WS was touched....he said, you mean if I wanted to leave to be happy???? I said, yes.....if you can be happy away from your family, then by all means, please go be happy. SNL, can you do that?

2. If you care for SNL, treat that separately from the required interaction due to business and family items.

3. If you care for your children, do so separately and with love for them and them alone. You will always be their mom. Know that they might not always appreciate it until much later.... but they will.

4. If you care for yourself, take care of yourself. Fix what you can fix. Let the rest slide. You can't fix it anyway.

You have worked hard all your life. That is not a secret. Do you deserve better? Yes. But we all have made choices in our life and have to live with the consquences. We also have the choice to better our lives and live with those consquences also. Don't be afraid to let go. It doesn't mean it is gone.

Prepare for the worst and when less than that happens, you will be ok.

You know what I see? I see that SNL is reading here. Some of it is sinking into his hardened heart. He may even feel that you and the rest of us maybe even the world is against him (not true but most WS' feel that way). That is something he will have to resolve in his heart. SNL knows the route. He has helped many a WS and BS see that path and encouraged them to find a better way. He is no different. He has to personally find that better way. If and when he does, he may find you at the end waiting to greet him with open arms and a beautiful smile. The one he fell in love with. A bit worn but still beautiful.

....and you? You will see a better man ready to meet and care for his better wife.

Well that is my personal wish for the both of you. Yet I can't make it happen. Only u 2 can and right now that healing must be done on an individual basis.

The path is there, you must choose to move forward. Individually for now and may later..... well we will see.

Hugz,
L.

Yes, Orchid - SNL does criticize MB, calls it a cult. But he also, says MB has good insights. He has stated that he learned a lot, and basically found people to talk to here.

I will not ask him to do anything. This is what I should do? You know Orchid, I am so confused, and so hurt by his actions. If he does not have the love to show me attention, concern, why would I ask? Is asking a way of him having to do something he doesn't want to? Heck I don't know anymore, I don't know anything, it seems.

He told me before I went a laid down for a nap, that he would go to my fathers grave tomorrow. Tomorrow will be his 1 year of death. My father died in my parents home in the family room, on a hospital bed, with oxygen, cathether, his wife, his two children, his grandchildren, around him. I was by his head, looking down at this frail body, a body that held the father that loved me unconditionally. The father that protected me, from my mothers words, the father that we had a special connection, the father that loved his grandchildren (especially the oldest) our first born daughter. I saw looking down at dad, his right eye totally closed for 1 year by a tumor, his left eye would open a little, he had the bluest baby blue eyes, I looked at his sunken cheeks, the pain in his brow and forehead, yes he suffered extreme pain those last 3 days, morphine under the tongue every 2-3 hours. I talked to dad the last 15 minutes of his life, telling him it is time to go dad, God is waiting for you. I told him that I loved him, that everyone was here to say goodbye, kept telling him, dad it is time to end your suffering here, it is time to go, we will be alright, everyone of us is here to say goodbye. The pain, I felt, to lose my dad, was so strong. But what hurt, is when I kept looking into his face, and eyes, watching his chest grasp for air, a few tears came out of his one good eye. That was so painful, my eyes were only about 5 inches from his eyes. And I can vision it like it was now. That was so painful, for I don't know if it was tears of pain, tears of saying goodbye, or tears of happiness for where his soul was going. The unknown. The question. The wondering. My father suffered enough, suffered for months of pain, suffered extreme pain the last 3 days of his life, suffered the side effects of radiation, my father did not diserve these last few days.

SNL has not been to his gravesite after. Except for last week for christmas, our oldest daughter bought a bouquet of flowers, and I had a wreath to put on his grave. SNL came, cause he and the daughter and our youngest son went on from the grave site to go shopping. I think that was christmas eve, not sure, events kind of all fade into a bowl of mush. But he has not offered to pick me up and go to the gravesite since his burial.

I used to walk to the grave many times before my shoulder injury, and talk to dad. Take a dog and I would sit by his grave, and talk and sometimes I read something I found in Guidepost, tore the page out and took it with me. This was a time for us. My dad loved reading to the grandkids, that is what our oldest daughter remembers about grandpa, reading in the chair with the grandkids surrounding him. And the tractor ride, grandpa would take her on.

I am sorry that SNL did not go to his fathers funeral, but that was his decision. I would of loved to go, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid that he would criticize me, but I wanted to go, to be there for Norma his wife, she endured many hard years with his father. And for his half sister, who loves her father, even though he was an alcoholic, a mean drunk. But I wanted to be there for her too. More of the giver in me. SNL was going to send our oldest daughter, but not asking me if I would go for him. His wife. So therefore I didn't ask, I didn't want to interfere in his path. I did send a beautiful card, with thoughts that I could express. With thoughts of kindness and love. Anyways, Orchid, could I call you sometime? My e-mail is Tazziblack@hotmail.com. Thanks. Are you doing anything tonight?

Hi c2m,
I am stuck in my least favorite place right now....work.... but I can post today. Normally I can't so I can't be too mad. I am running my reports and trying to keep my staff's head above oceans of work that seem to be overflowing here.

I will try to call you this weekend, ok? I may be getting home kinda late tonight.

C2m, you are a giving person and sometimes the best help is not to help. Your description of the time spent with your dad is not bad. It shows love.

Remember, not all can show the same kind of love or the same amount. I think the men we married are among that group. So it pains them to see it flow so easily out of us and yet it can't even trickle well out of them. I think it makes them angry but we are often quite sensative to that anger and pick up the initial blow by stepping out in front of it. Now we see how painful that is but no one seems to know we are in pain. I sense that you are beginning to speak it out and finding it hard for anyone to listen. Yet should you clam up? No, this is not good for you. Will those around you want to hear your pain? Maybe not. Yet they will have to feel it just be seeing you.

I have to think about what I need to say next. Let me go back and concentrate on my work for a while and I will post back later ok?

Hugz,
L.

take care,
L.

Just tuning in for a little bit, made dinner once again for my kids, and 2 extras. Was going to have a beautiful roast I put in the crock pot. But didn't get it in time, usually I get it in around 8-9am. But I slept today until 11am, and didn't get it in till 12am. With going through the ritual of taking care of all the animals, and feeding them in turns, cause the little kitties, are scavangers, so I have to let the two older cats eat first.

I did something that I feel God was wanting me to do. Like I said earlier, God seems to touch me on the shoulder or wake me up at odd times. I was touched, by calling SNL's fathers wife. SNL's stepmother. It was ironic, cause Norma just walked in the door about 5 minutes earlier. We talked about SNL's fathers death, about how sick he was for the last year. Didn't realize he was going to the hospital monthly for treatment. He had a shunt and it was plugging up, so he had to get fluid extracted from his body, monthly. He would lose 15-20 #'s each time. The Dr. told his wife he can endure this until his body decides to quit. No one knew how long that would be. She is doing okay, she said the amount of paperwork is so draining, I could relate to that, but it seems to be almost over now for her. She said, that her husband decided to not take care of his body, and harmed his body with smoking and drinking. He knew he was ending his life prematurely. When he was admitted into the hospital, his kidneys were shutting down, and his heartrate was slowing down, and irregular. Therefore, she knew his time had come when his body decided to shut down.

Asked her how she is doing emotionally, she stated something that is soooo... true. She said, death is so much harder for the family than birth. Birth, you experience joy (as long as the baby is healthy), family gets together, with laughter, joy, taking pictures, and all. Death, family is afraid to call, afraid on what to say, time is of essence before the body can be taken care of for permanent placement (burial or cremation). She said getting everything ready, is rushed, getting his suit cleaned, getting the preacher, getting the site, everything. And it is done and over. With a birth, you watch the little one grow, start to laugh, coo, turn over. Death, there is nothing, but a hole in the ground where the body is laid, or cremated and ashes held whereever. Very few call to see how you are doing. The uncertainty of what to say, you can feel in who calls. I once again expressed my regards to her husband, and said he was a good man, he had his failures, but he was a good man, and you loved this man. She said yes!

Anyways, she talked about how hard it is to clean out closets and drawers. She said the history, the memories, are so hard. I told her my mother hasn't done much of that yet. Expressed to her, no hurry, take your time, and do things with friends, and family. The right time will come when you can do all of this. Just do for yourself now, and do things with your daughter and granddaughter.

She thanked me for the christmas gift and card, and the card of her husbands death. She is a good woman, and I appreciate her, and her kindness to me. So this was good, feeling better that I was able to talk to her, and hear her voice.

Well, got to go again, will check back later.

Revelation, I changed my name. Had a hard time logging in, but I think I have it now. I like my new name, yes I cry too much still. But this is my new 2003 name. Jim my pastor has been wonderful, and his wife have been a real help. So I decided that Faith was to be my upmost need this year. So here is my new name.

Can't say, it will take away the depression, that is for real. Tomorrow, will be a hard day, but hopefully I will beable to sleep tomorrow night.

Just checking in, and stating my new name. Been thinking about it a lot, and I like the name Orchid gave to me. I would of liked that name earlier, with my husbands affair. But I wanted something different, something just for me, not for SNL, just for me. A name that reflects my soul, my body, my mind. Nothing to do with SNL, nothing to remind me of his deceit. Been writing it down on paper, and finally it came.

I also, like my first name, thinker. I know I think to much, and try to read everything in every word now. Every action, I try to decipher and think about. But thinker just was too much work. So Faith, is calm, soothing, knowing power is over me, knowing I have someone to hold me, to help me.

Well, Orchid, will check in tomorrow after physical therapy. Thanks for information from all of you. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day, and I have been shedding tears today, up in my room by myself. I stay up too late lately, and finding sleep hard to come, until I take the meds. So going to go downstairs and take my meds, and hopefully sleep. Have to get up early for physical therapy, they didn't have a decent hour, since I had to sign up Monday for this week. With not knowing if I was going to continue physical therapy after Monday. Goodnight.

I love your new name Faith4me!

Faith4me--you asked us to put ourselves in your shoes and give you our thoughts about what snl said. In many ways I was and am already in your shoes, and in many ways my FWH was and is in snl's shoes.

Here are my thoughts:
1) I think that what both of you have said has a lot of truths in it for each of you, and that you both need more from each other than either of you is able to give right now. I also think that each of you wants to give more to the other but just can't right now.

2) I agree with Orchid that you each need to work individually right now.

3) Suggestion--read and re-read Orchid's posts every day for a while, and football widow's (that's what I'm going to do too).

4) Suggestion--try to avoid one LB to snl during this time of individual work, just one because more than that is more than you can give right now (ask snl which one? my guess would be what he feels is verbal abuse).

5) Suggestion for snl--I think you care a lot for Faith4me and always will whether or not your marriage survives. Will you work a little bit on one EN for her during this very difficult time? Will you ask her which one or if you need to pick one yourself will you tell her what that is? (my guess is that she would pick holding, soothing, cuddles--if so and you are willing, maybe choose 10-15 minutes to do that daily or even 5-10 minutes if 10-15 is more than you can give of yourself right now)

5) My final thought is that I hope that both of you do your individual work--you both deserve the healing and I sincerely wish that for you both.

Faith4me--thank you so much for these posts, they have probably helped me more than you.

Happier New Year to us all!

P.S. snl--I would love to give you some insight about chronic pain issues (I have over 10 years experience and I once was where Faith4me is now) and about insurance issues (more recent experience). If you would like that, and if Faith4me is in agreement, just have her post an email address for you (I don't post mine).

Take care Faith4me (I really love typing that name!)

You too snl

Faith -- I am going to give you a different perspective. I am appalled by your posts. You are living in a terrible situation with a man who neither loves nor respects you, and who can only feel like a man when he's tearing other people down to his level. He is 100% focused on himself and always will be, yet you still think there is something here to save.

Please do not confuse dependency with love. Women often do this. Yes, you need him for financial support and do to things around the house, but a job and a few helpful friends and neighbors would supply the same things.

When I read your posts, I see a woman who has no boundaries when it comes to the way you let other people treat you. Absolutely anything goes, no matter how hurtful or draining or damaging or disrespectful, and you do nothing to stop it except secretly complain.

You seem to think that this is the way to get people to love you. You do anything and everything they want, and let them treat you any way they want, without a word of protest. When that doesn't work -- and believe me, it doesn't work for anybody -- you are hurt and confused and become more and more mired in victimhood.

This is a terrible situation. No self-respecting woman would struggle to keep a selfish, narcissitic man who clearly cares nothing for her except to use her, and who thinks he is justified in emotionally and physically abusing her.

You are making the #1 mistake of all who are in your situation: you are sitting back and waiting and hoping these people will just magically wake up and start doing the things you want them to do. It's not going to happen like that. It will if you stand up for yourself and stop being a punching bag and a doormat, but not before.

You think you are powerless here. You're wrong. You have all the power to change your life. You just have to choose to use it instead of waiting and hoping somebody else will use it for you.

Good luck.

Psycho - thankyou for your input. You have some good points. I am working on myself, and trying to survive.

Today, was my fathers 1 year death. SNL took me to the gravesite, and it was hard. I prayed silently to my father, and SNL was there for me. This is so hard, he was a good man, a good christian man.

Yes, SNL is definitely in the FOOGG....! For him to see my feelings, like orchid said, is hard. All I can do is try to survive, wtih days like yesterday and today, this is quite hard.

What do you think about my new name, Psycho? Hopefully it will enlighten my spirits. Yes, there is a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of pain I suffer daily, from the injury, and emotional pain. Maybe SNL will one day see what has happened to this family, and all the pain that we are suffering. Our children are suffering, and maybe one day he will see that too. It is his decision, and I pray he will, for our childrens sake. Not for mine, but for my kids sakes. They are the ones that have their life turned upside down, and are at a loss on what to say, and do. They are expressing their anger, in talk back, foul langauge, and aggressive behavior. I accept it somewhat, tell them I love them, and I care for them. Sorry for what has happened, and right now just trying to get them to organize their stuff in rubbermaid tough bins, so that when the time comes, they can move by hauling out these bins. Not real motivated myself, but trying to do a little at a time. Maybe the motivation will come when spring comes. Right now, we got a bunch of snow, and wishing I had a fireplace to just sit back and listen to the crackle of the wood, and enjoy the warmth of the fire. Or a wood burning stove. That way, I could put a kettle of water on the stove to get humidity into the air. We have a humidifier on our furnace, but hasn't worked in quite a few years. Static electricity is in the air, thought of buying a room humidifier, but this house is too big.

Anyways, Psycho, I am listeneing, and I don't want to be used anymore. I am not a doormat to be stepped and shoved aside. I am a human with a great giving heart, and a gentle demeanor. SNL doesn't see that, that is his problem. But I know that I am a good person. I love my family, his mother, and my mother, and his sibling, and my sibling. I love people. I was talking to a salesman today on the phone, and he gave me a compliment. Said, you are a sensitive person, and seem to be a natural caregiver. We were talking about some issues, an I was really surprised. Anyways, the caregiver has been my plight, and I know that I have to quit giving. I need to do things for myself. No more for everyone else. They are to fend for themselves, and that is the way I will try to handle things. Just hard, after 25 years of giving.

Psycho, thank you for your advice.

An update. I went to physical therapy, and the dizzyness might be caused by neck. She manipulated my neck and the dizziness came. So I am going to see the other Dr. that was suggested, and see if there is anything else wrong.

Also, I am discouraged by phhysical therapy, hoping for greater success with my arm and shoudler. I feel so much pain in my arm, it is spasms from my shoulder surgery. I went to counseling after the physical therapy, and that was so depressing. I cried, and Carmen my counselor, said I have to work only for myself. She told me to go on strike, don't do anything for the kids anymore. Don't do anything except for yourself. If you want to have a nice fish dinner, make yourself a dinner, and forget about the kids. Kids are 16-25. Anyways, this is called tough love. Asked why I am suicidal, showed her some of the comments here I wrote. She suggested I see a psychiatrist. I said, we don't have insurance. So, maybe I will have to go through state aide for help. Says, I need to see someone, and get some help. Also, told me the holidays bring on depression, and with my fathers 1 year of death, this was extremely hard to have all this placed on you. And with your husband, and his attitude. And you are experiencing more pain than one should have. So she suggested the pscy. and maybe I will go through state aide.

So I came home, and the place looks trashed. Very little done, I made a list before I left. The same crap, on the computers, and doing very little. I started crying, and just hate coming home to this crap. I need to get away, and Carmen said the same. She said, get a hotel, and find a place with a pool. Or a jacuzzi. Take some books, and get a bottle of wine if you want. But get away.

I have no vehicle, mine is in the shop, went in today.

So I griped and told the kids they better get their act in gear, or they are out of here. I said I can't handle all of this by myself. I put a list out, and it is like trash. They don't look at it, and just laugh it off.

SNL came in and I yelled at him, just can't take it anymore. Sick of no respect from him, and the kids. Sick of pain.

I go see my massomasologist, and she really helped tonight. She worked on me for 1 hour. The pressure points, and manipulation hurt big time. I screamed with pain, but you know what, I am able to move my arm almost straight up. Can't come down smoothly yet, and still hurts, but this is the best in months. I can't reach behind my back yet, the Dr. said that is the last motion to come.

So I made an appt. to go to her 2/week, and then physical therapy I am going to cut back to 2/week. Anyways, I feel better in motion with arm, is sore, and throbs. Quite normal for all she did. She recommended me seeing the Dr. for the dizziness. She did crack my back, and neck. And she worked on my shoulder, kneaded it for about 10 minutes, and cut it really wwarm, then started the manipulation. I have to say I did cry out in pain, she ignores the pain, and says we have to do this. Breathe like you are in labor, and she stretched the arm, and it feels better.

So I had some good results tonight.

SNL came over, we talked civil. And he looks better. Talked about his working out at the gym. Says they have another offer of $99 for a year. So maybe I can start going to the gym pretty soon. SNL and I met in an exercise class.

I want to get in shape, I used to walk 3-5 miles a day with my dog. But now I don't and I am flabby, and not toned. Would be nice to be in shape before summer comes, and to get my hair colored, and maybe get a perm in my hair, to get some bounce, and body. Been thinking, and might try it. It is expensive, but what the heck, I need to do something for myself.

My pain is causing the depression, and now it is for sure justified by the physical therapist, and my massomaologist. I am not going nuts, but am experiencing real pain, and real depression. Not suicidal tonight, but not jumping with joy. Just happy that my arm is moving some. Explained that I can't sleep on the right side yet, and both said not for awhile. I think I need one of those bed pillows, to sleep next to. That way I have a rest for my right arm when I am on my left side. And if I am on my back, then I can sort of lay next to the pillow to have a bit of body turned towards the right. I just can't seem to sleep on my back.

Working on trying to sleep tonight. Haven't slept well in a week or so.

I am so excited for you Faith4me!!!!!! These are tremendous steps in a good direction!

Doesn't it feel good to be able to cry out in pain instead of keeping it in check? Personally, I found that when I let it fly my myomassologist could do more too--she said that it had something to do with the body's energy moving instead of being jammed up but I can't really remember the ins and outs. Faith4me, just know that the pain will lessen and, in your case, maybe go away altogether or at least be minimal.

Your therapist sounds like she knows what she's doing. And wasn't it a real timesaver for her to just read the posts? Nothing wrong with getting more bang for your buck LOL

I'm so glad to see that you are on your way back up! I am confident that your therapist will help you figure out how you let yourself spiral down so far--so next time it won't be nearly as bad for you because you will be able to interupt the downward spiral a lot sooner.

I'm proud of you Faith4me--good job!!!!

Yet again - thanks. The one thing I hate, is SNL came over again today. He doesn't call or anything, but walks in like it is his home. Maybe he feels he should. He brought a gift over for our daughters boyfriend. Knowing that I didn't get him anything, cause I can't afford it. Daughter gets all excited about the gift dad bought, and it was nice. SNL didn't once say anything like, this is from both of us. Or give any insight that this gift should be from both of us. I even offered to make him a dish of food, which he took and didn't even thank me for the food. Once again, play up to the kids, and kick me in the A**. He and daugther talk secretly, and I go to the other room. Once again, disrespectful and not including me in the conversation. I didn't know he was getting something just for the boyfriend. He of course didn't include me, so that says something there. I can't go out and buy expensive gifts, I am on a tight budget. But once again, our daughter is so happy, that dad got him something, and of course mom didn't. I made the dinners, I clean, do wash, but that is nothing important. That is nothing to our daughter, just expected. That is just the demenial stuff that I am expected to do. SNL this hurt me, and you have made it clear, that you will hurt me any way you can. Did you see the pain on my face, when the gift was just from you. Daughter made sure you were present when he opened it, and you didn't care if I was there are not. To heck with me, it is clear, kick me in the A** and toss me in the ditch.

Yes, he reads all the time. So this is for you SNL. POOP!!!!!!

I will leave this place, and pack my things up and store them in storage. Been thinking about this for awhile. I am sick of everyone saying, all you want to do is clean. Why not clean up after yourselfs. Why they are mad at me, cause SNL doesn't make them clean. Go to SNL's living conditions in his mothers house that she is suppose to get done and live in. It is a mess, and I would love to have all the kids live there, and see how it is. Make their own food, go to the laundry mat. Sure, the boys would love it, they could spend hours and hours on the computer.

Once again, SNL doesn't care about me, more showing that he can buy things without worrying, and doesn't even have the considereation to tell me, or include me. He can buy everyone gifts, I can't. More control, on his [part.

Hope you are happy SNL. You have hurt my feelings, and yes it hurt to have boyfriend say thank you to YOU only. How do you think I felt? You could of said, it was from both of us. But no, you are making yourself more clearer everyday.