Is it worth it?

I have been reading a lot of the posts and have been digesting as much information on this subject, A, as possible. It is apparent that the BS has to carry the entire burden. Even though they have been victimized they are the ones who overwhelmingly have to bite their respective lips and try to “regain” the affection of the WS. They have to pine away and walk on eggshells making sure to create no LB in the hope’s that these WS’s “choose” them over the OM/OW. Just does not seem right or fair. It makes me feel pathetic.

So I ask any out there is it worth it? In the long run is it? I love my wife and I want my family back but how do you know if it is time to just let go and move on? Is this the part of "for better or worse" that we must have strength for even if our WS does not?

Is is it worth it? Ha, can't answer that one, for me or you. You're gonna have figure that one.

Yes there are burdens. I know the feelings of pineing away and walking on eggshells, hopes, unfairness and more. Hate to say it but you have to take a good look at yourself and what you feel and the way you think.

You've been hit hard and it hurts. But it's not ever going to be like it was or what you want it to be. You will kill yourself walking on eggshells, I don't think you want that or your S. wants that. Time to start thinking more about yourself. Time to be yourself.

You feel. Your love for your W is what you feel. Your hurt is reaction to her actions. The only part you control is your reaction(s) to actions, events. Feelings are feelings, we all have them, basic and complex, it's the way you deal with them that matters.

Example, I realize that I have a deep love for my wife. Life and Love took it's best run at me, at the same time. My love should have been destroyed, indirectly by actions, or directly by words. But the harder my love was hit, the stronger it seemed to get. Nothing could waiver my love because it is my love for her, my feelings, my thoughts. Only I can affect My Love for Her. Now I build strenght from that. My love for her will always last, if we are together or not. That will determine how previlant that love for her will be at any time in my life, although feelings of Love will always be present in my life.

Quit tip toeing around and start walking with a little authority, for yourself. Somehow you have to find a little peace in there and get ready for a long ride. If it's worth, you'll find out.

Head up and stick on the ice.

Yes Weeble it is worth it. You may not save your marriage, but I have yet to read about someone following these principles and not becoming a better person.

You see, that is what it is all about - you. Fix yourself, be a better you. No matter the outcome of your marriage, you will be happier than you are right now.

Gib

Is it worth it? Depends! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> What do you want out of it?

I've gone both routes in dealing with this issue of marital recovery from betrayal. I left my first H and got a divorce after almost nine years and two young daughters, no job, no money, nothing! It was a GOOD decision.

My second H...the man I am still married to and plan to continue to be married to until one of us sees God face to face. This marriage was worth saving! It was worth fighting for! I stayed and rebuilt! It was a GOOD decision.

Now, if you want to talk about doing the Plan A business....and I do understand why it can seem to newbies that it's a plan of being a doormat...please read some more! (Since I know you and your W are attempting to rebuild, I assume we don't need to discuss Plan B as her affair is over.)

Plan A is about keeping your focus on what is good in your relationship. It's about you working on those issues that you need to work on about YOU! It's becoming a better person, not just a better marriage partner...altho, that is an added bonus. And if you and your W are both willing to use Plan A...you'll both miss a lot of "potholes" on your healing path.

It's trying to decrease the negatives in your marriage by keeping you busy with the positives. You're not faced with the situation that many are who are attempting to wait for their WS to end an affair. While I'm not a great supporter of Plan A when an affair is on-going (but it does have some strong points in it's favor if your couragous enough)...I think it's a wonderful plan for recovery and rebuilding your relationship.

Hopefully, you will be able to get your W to start reading what is offered here. I know right now she's upset about the "rape statement", but I hope she doesn't dish the whole site for that one statement that you pulled out for her. There is LOTS of information here which can be of benefit. Some of it may not...but take what works for the two of you and together you two can build a stronger, more loving, more honest, healthier marriage. And that will build a much stronger foundation for your children's future.

Good Luck!

Hey Weeble-

Check out JR's new thread. It's titled Welcome 2003. He is one you should ask about 'Is it worth it". IMHO, he is a MB poster child <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Gib

IMHO...

Is it worth it?

Do you know how experts advise you to visualize the outcome of what you want? My vision of my goal was my W and I together restoring the love in our M and making it successful. It took me months to realize that isn't a goal I can fulfill by myself so it may be 1. unrealistic and 2. I'm setting up myself for failure. Why? Because I am assuming that my W will 1. come out of the fog and 2. still want to be with me when she does. So, I readjusted my goal to something that it is within my reach, something that I can control. My new vision is to be able to meet my W's ENs while at the same time feel good/proud about myself. I would love for my W and mother of my S to receive this, but if it's not to be (because of her) then my future wife.

What am I saying with all this? I am echoing what others are saying. This is an opportunity to become a better person, a better spouse. In order to be able to do that you have to realize that you only have control of yourself and not others. Will our spouses lift the fog on time? Nobody knows, not even themselves. I pray every day that my W does but I don't know. In the meantime, while I work on myself, I am open to my W's return.

I hope this helps. Be well.

Alot of good words of wisdom here.
I am not dealing with infidelity, yet feeling discouraged with marriage in general. An affair is not the only way to be hurt in marriage.
I think that we can all improve ourselves if WE do what we SHOULD as duty to our spouse and not just what feels fair.
Now that I have said it, perhaps I can put it into practice-LOL!

ezra,

The wisdom is all around us where we expect it and where we least expect it. True wisdom, I believe, is putting into practice. Like you, I wish I could, but I'm slowly learning and as long as you are moving forward that's all you can expect.

Good luck and be well.