i need some help. this is my first time in a forum but i need to find my way out of this fog. I had an 18 month affair with my best friends husband. My H found out 6 weeks ago and he wants to try to make it work with us. I also want this, have not contacted the OM at all and never want to but I can't get past the feeling of shame, remorse, regret. I wish i had a concrete answer of why i did it and i can't find it. I hate myself so much and feel that I don't deserve my husband. Help

Welcome to MB. Sorry you had to arrive here under such lousy circumstances ... but, welcome anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H had an 18 month A with the W of his (former) best friend!! So, I was in your H's position.

That was 7 years ago ... and we are doing fine now.

The thing is ... you may not know right now the "why" you had the A ... but , at least you recognize that it was a terrible mistake ... and you want to try to recover within a marriage grown stronger and better protected.

My suggestion for you is, at this point in time, be 100% honest with your H, no matter how crummy it may feel to open up some of your darkest secrets ... the intimacy of a M can only be recovered in an atmosphere of honesty and integrity.

Start writing to your H daily ... a short or long note of your thoughts and feelings .... your worries, your joys ... in other words....

Share yourself openly with your spouse. Become emotionally naked with him.

Ask if H will do the same for you ... write his thoughts and feelings to you daily. You can have a journal that you pass back and forth.

Welcome to MB ... I'll say a prayer for you today.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

dear pepper....thank you so much for replying to me. i feel that no one will ever look at me in the same way again. all our friends know and obviously all are supporting my former best friend which i understand but it leaves me with no one except my Husband. and he is hurting so much i don't want him to have to deal with my pain too. Is your marriage better now? Do you have kids and if yes how old were they and how much did they know? How long until this isn't a everyday topic in our conversations. we have been married 12 years,together 20 and have never talked as much as we have in the last 6 weeks. Thank you again for the support.

fid,

Listen carefully to Pepper's comments. If you are new here, please read the articles posted here. I might also suggest that you check on a book: Surviving an Affair, by Harley. You might find some of your answers there.

I would strongly recommend "radical honesty" with your H, read about this here. I would also like to recommend a tread posted by SKM. She had an affair she deeply regretted, but was very confused by her many feelings. She posted here alot, but you can trace back to some of her posts via the post I am going to bookmark for you. I think you will find this post very helpful in explaining what you may face in the next year or so.

By the way, she and her H are doing great and just had a new baby. They are great people and I have had the pleasure of meeting them. So click on book mark below.

SKM's Chronicles

Please keep posting and let people here know your story. You will find many people who are willing to help, and a few that may be a bit harsh. Take what you need from the posts.

You and your H might benefit from professional counseling, if you can find a good counselor.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Welcome fid,

I want to second what Pepper said, no matter how bad it makes you feel do to so, be completely open and honest with your husband. I am sorry this has happened to you, your marriage and your life, not to mention family and friends. This will likely touch them(family and frineds)as well.

You have taken a couple of great first steps. The first and formost being you have severed contact with the other man. Please, please, no matter how hard it gets for you, do not re-start that contact for any reason. This will only get harder if you do.

Understand that your husband is going through the worst time in his life that he will likely ever go through. There will be many highs and lows in the coming weeks and months. Both for you and your husband. Around here we call this the rollercoaster ride. Intense periods of high emotional mood swings.

You have come to the right place for support, a place to vent your frustrations, a place to ask for help from others going through just what you are. Don't be affraid to ask for help.

If you haven't done so already, go to the home page on this site and read all the articles. Do not worry if a lot of the information seems geared to better suit the betrayed spouse. This information works for any relationship. Either side of the issue.

Welcome to MB.

jd

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

You are actually half way home because you do feel shame, remorse and guilt. By sharing this with your husband it will allow him to feel forgiving. It is clear that your husband loves you a great deal. He loves you enough to want to work things out and forgive you. You can reciprocate by loving him with all of your heart.

The other half you need to deal with is why you had this affair and why did it last for 18 months? Did you have great anger toward your husband? Did you want to have a separate fantasy world? You need to explain this completely to your husband so he can understand and make sure these circumstances will not happen again.

Your husband is going through terrible pain and a loss of self-esteen and no doubt questioning his manhood among other things. Be prepared for anger on his part. There will be many triggers for him. He will think that all of the good times you had in the past 18 months were a big lie and now have no meaning. Many betrayed husbands have a fear that you and the OM were talking and laughing about him behind his back.
Probably the best way to understand his pain is to imagine how you would be feeling if the roles were reversed and for the past 18 months he was having sex with a best friend's wife. Imagine how you would feel. I am sure he will also be wondering if you are comparing him with the OM emotionally and certainly physically.
Remember he is suffereing all sorts of insecurities and self-esteem issues.

The bottom line is that you have self-worth and your husband sees it in you and clearly loves you very much and wants to see you whole again as he wishes to see himself also. I would greatly suggest that you both get into marriage counseling so it can help both of you start the process of healing. It is no picnic. You have done a terrible thing to your husband but thank goodness that you have the rest of your life to make it up to him and to have both of you seek out a life of happiness and love. I wish you all of the best.