My H cheated on me last year and I have since had and affair with a MM it is all a complete mess. What I want to know is even though the H are distraught and so sorry and feel that they have made the biggest mistake of their lifes and are doing everything to try and rebuild, once they have crossed that line will they do it again?? Is it worth the pain and anguish of forgiving only to be let down again??

Your husband cheated on you. So in revenge you cheated on your husband? Could you clarify.

Once they cheat on you, the chances are greater of them doing it again. If they did it twice, the percentage goes up trememdously.

Those of us who were unhappy, but did not have an affair, are the ones that were stronger. I could of had an affair, but knew God would see me as a sinner. I had a chance, and decided it was not worth it, this was after my husband had his sexual affair. I did not want to be labeled as a adulterer, cheater, betrayer. I knew my grounds, and stuck to being faithful. My husband is the only man I have ever had in my life. He can't say the same. Maybe he is proud of what he did, maybe not. I am not sure.

As you can see I have lived through this nightmare twice.

I can't say it won't happen again. However, I can say that with the help of MB I am better prepared to be the best W I can be. I can only control my actions. If it does happen again, I will be better prepared for the final consequences of D as I DO not want to go through it a 4th time (if there ever is a 3rd).

I think all we can do is be the best person we can be in our R and try our hardest and control our actions. We can't control theirs.

Kerry,
I can only speak for myself, although I have seen other WS's here echo the same thought.

I am now divorced due to my infidelity, after being married 21 years. (married 17 years when A started, separated right before 19th anniv) I would NEVER repeat my actions of selfishness and stupidity again. I don't believe that a cheater remains a cheater. The damage I caused is simply irreparable and something I have to live with daily, for the rest of my life.

It is all individual, and it depends on the person's feelings and actions after the infidelity. Am I more flawed than others who haven't cheated, flawed in my character? Yes, I am. I chose to hurt the one person who loved me above all others, and I'm still hoping and praying for his forgiveness and some sort of reconciliation.

BTW, I found out while in the R with OM that he had been unfaithful at least one other time. His other stories led me to believe it was MANY other times. I think he was what is called a 'serial cheater'. He never showed remorse , and only rarely expressed guilt. He felt his cheating was justified as his wife hadn't given him what he wanted. He and I would argue about it--ironic, right? I always told him what we did was awful, and that feeling of guilt and remorse finally helped me come out of my addictive,twisted way. (The fog thing-very true)

Just my 2 cents.
H_P

My WS confessed to his first A 27 years ago out of guilt because he thought he had contracted STD. I was shocked when I found out a year ago that he had continued cheating on me over the years with several women who also are serial cheaters. Will my H cheat again? I certainly hope not because I recently discovered that he did pass that STD to me and I might end up with cancer later. I love him and we've been working on our M, but I know that if he ever cheat on me again, he will be out of my life for good. I've heard "once a cheater, always a cheater", however, I'd like to believe that our WS will not repeat their selfish behavior after seeing the pain that the BS are experiencing.

Kerry,
There are some serial cheaters who make this a way of life and only stop long enough to let the heat die down. However, there are also many WS for whom cheating is an aberration of character never to be repeated. Many feel enormous remorse and pain from their actions and learn from their mistakes. So no, I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. To believe that, you have to believe that people can NEVER CHANGE and never learn from their mistakes, which is simply not true.

I had a friend who used that exact line describing himself..

so i think there are some that will but I can tell you without hesitation about me.

there are only two possible outcomes to my marriage. Success (what i hope and believe will happen) or divorce.

You see i am a different man today then i was then, I have pushed myself to become different, i sought counseloing, i delved deep into myself to discover why i was so weak why i allowed myself to be so disloyal to my wife and myself.

and I learned. I think that when a person chooses to change, and does the work then you have a chance at a different result. I think this holds true for WS and BS alike. so as you look to your H for change, always be in persuit of change in yourself. What is it that allowed it to be ok for your H to be gone all the time, why didnt you change that part of the marriage?

dont give the automatic answer, as it was wrong the first time, think about it, and find why you let it be that way.