Posted in recovery as well but figure might be better here....

Well where to start, I’ve been married for 8 years, I’m 30 and my wife is 28, we have a 7yr old little girl. The reason we got married was to have kids; not we were having a kid so we got married. I lived with my wife for 2.5 years before we got married. After our first child was born my wife became pregnant with a second child. We were living on welfare and didn’t see an end in sight just yet so we decided to abort the child. This was a tough thing to do for both of us but we decided to do it anyhow. My wife went through a time of morning be appeared to recover well. Our lives went on as normal as most for the next few years we moved back to her hometown so she could be close to her friends and family. 3 yrs ago she had a short affair with a man down the hall from the apt. we lived in. She was involved with him and a friend of her was with his roommate. I never knew of this short lived affair (3 weeks) until after the affair started that she is in now. In June of this year she was involved in an auto accident that almost totaled her car and could have hurt her and our daughter very bad, but didn’t both walked away from it but her new car, a 3 month old custom she built from stock in the time she had owned it, was almost totaled. We decide to rebuild the car and this caused a lot of problems with money and time between us. In July we had an intopic pregnancy and lot the child we were trying to have for the last year. She was effected by this deeply as she felt it was a form of payback for the abortion she had years before, she also was 2 weeks pregnant when she was in the auto accident and thinks it could have effected the baby as well, even though we were told by doctors that was not the case. I knew of a man that was tanning at the salon she was working at, he is older (14 yrs older he 42 she’s 28). His advances didn’t alarm me because I felt that my marriage was good and that my wife was protected from his advances by her love for me and the life we had built. I was wrong, in Aug. started to talk more often with him, I didn’t say anything as we both have friends of the different sex that we talk to. In early Sept she told me she wanted to go to Florida with a co-worker from the salon, a female. I cut money from my bills to help her pay for the trip (I paid all the airfare). I knew something was wrong when she didn’t call every night she was gone, she called once and was gone for 4 days. She has taken trips like this before and always called 2-3 times a day just to talk to me and our daughter. When she returned she had a gift for me, a woody woodpecker hat from Universal Studios. This is odd, as she never returns with gifts for me from trips she takes. She slept in our bed that night, and I didn’t question her in any way. The next night she complained of the softness of the bed and wanted to sleep on the couch, as it was better for her back. She slept on the couch again the next night. She told me she was going to stay at the friends from works house on Friday (the next night) so she could hang out and go to work with her in the morning. I let her go as I felt it was a chance for her to unwind and talk was someone about whatever the problem was. She didn’t stay with her friend but with her lover that she went to Florida with. The weekend she spent with me, and everything seemed fine again, she returned to sleeping in the bed and we spent a lot of time together. Tuesday the following week I returned home from work and she said she wanted to go out to eat with her sisters to talk about some problems they were having. I knew this to be a lie as her one sister called me during the day to see if I could watch her son. So she could go out with her ex-boyfriend to a hockey game, and her other sister had to go to school that night so she couldn’t watch him. She never called my wife to see as I told her I wanted to go out with my wife and was making plans to do so. I let my wife go out that night but called her during the time she was gone to she where she was. She lied about everything and was out with her lover. She came right home after the call and we argued about where and what she was doing. I told her I knew about her lover, even though I didn’t at the time but the lies told me I was right. She told me about her affair and said she was unhappy with our marriage. She said she could do what ever she felt would make her happy.

The next week she continued to see her lover and return home. I moved out with our child to my brother’s house out of state, but only 50 minutes away from our old home that we rented. She decided that we needed to live apart for good and she would find an apartment. I paid for the down payment on her new place to get her settled some place. I then found an apartment for our daughter and I. We lived apart for the end of Sept. and all of Oct. with her having our daughter every weekend. I ended up staying the night at her apartment most of the time, as she wanted me to stay but only having intercourse once. She never really lived in her apartment and she had a roommate (friend) that stayed there all the time. She lived with her lover during the week and stayed with our daughter at the apartment during the weekend.

It’s now Thanksgiving week and her parents canceled having dinner with their kids, as one sister was leaving for a trip to see her new boyfriend out of state and the other was having dinner with her room mates. My mother-in-law made it clear that my wife’s lover would not be welcome in her house as well. My wife had thanksgiving with her lover’s parents who are real proper and she felt uncomfortable there. She called my mother’s house to wish our daughter happy thanksgiving but didn’t come to see her even though she had told her she would earlier in the week.

She moved in with lover for 3 days then called me to see if she could stay with our daughter and I. I let her return she lasted 4 days before having to go to the hospital for continued bleeding down under. When we left the house she called her lover to let him know. He arrived at the hospital soon after we did. I remained calm and discussed what was happening with the two of them. She went in to get her care and we (Lover and I) had to wait in the waiting room. We didn’t talk at all to each other, I contacted the security at the desk and he let me back to she my wife. She was doing well and was having an ultrasound done to make sure. I stayed during the ultrasound. When it was over the security let her lover into the room. The doctors all left and we talked about what was going on. He said she had to decide what she wanted and who to be with, I told her she didn’t have to do it right now but that she would have to decide soon for the sake of everyone involved. She decided then and there that she wanted to be with her lover. I left the room calm and told her that she was doing what she felt was best and that it was OK. She came to my apartment to retrieve her things, he sister had been staying with us the last 2 days and she wished to have me take her home later in the day then to return with my wife and her lover back to the area they live in. I helped her with her stuff out to the sidewalk. I explained to her that I didn’t feel right bringing it to his car and that he should come and help her from here. I turned around and entered the apartment building leaving her with an “I Love You”. She returned to living with her lover for 5 days before calling me to come and get her from his townhouse. I went and picked her up and brought her to my apartment. She couldn’t make her rent on her apartment and her roommate couldn’t swing it on his own, so they gave up the apartment. She had me move her stuff to my apartment putting some of it up and some in storage. She did the kitchen with her stuff and pack my stuff away, this made her feel more at home and made me feel she wanted to stay. She talked with me about having the baby aborted to be able to cut contact with her lover for good. I knew she would have a hard time with doing this but did feel that our marriage couldn’t survive if she had his child, as he would never stay away from his child. I paid for the abortion and stayed home from work with her that week to try to comfort her. Monday the following week she called her lover to let him know what she had done and let me be there when she told him. She told him she didn’t want any contact with him. The next day she called him again without me there. She called him everyday after that, She told him she loved him still and she was sorry for what she had done to their child. She said things about me that wasn’t true, and how much she misses him. She states to him that she’s only staying here through x-mas and her sisters wedding day on NewYears eve. She had him come out to see her on Friday 2 weeks ago. All this is what I find out through my sources not from her. I confronted her on Friday last week as I couldn’t hold it in any longer and told her she had to stop contact with him, again. I feel that she has not and that after the NewYear she will continue with her affair at a higher level or return to his home.

I know everything about her lover. I know he has used his resources as a county policeman to check up on me as well as before him and my wife were dating to track down things about her past. He has used his time at work to contact her on the phone and spend hours on the phone with her. I know he was on duty when he left the state (and county) where his patrol is to come and see her. I have contacted the local police department in the area we used to live and they have provided me with contacts to review his conduct as a police officer if I wished to. I feel this would only enrage my wife more so I haven’t done anything to pursue this, but made sure to leave the door open for it later. His last ex-wife he has a child from, she is concerned about the contact my wife has with their daughter and refuses to let him see her if my wife is residing at his townhouse. This is part of the cause for her remaining at my apartment, as he wouldn’t let her be at his townhouse during the weekend when he has his daughter.

When things settle down from x-mas and NewYears I know the hand will be played if she wishes to stay. She has entered concealing for her self as well as marriage consoling for us. But her contact continues with her lover. I’m lost as to what to do. Do I let her stay with me as this goes on? I can’t leave as the apartment is in my name and only my daughter is on the lease. The landlady stated on the lease that only my daughter and myself are to reside in the apartment so if an issue arose about my wife staying there I would have it to show the police or judge as it may be. Do I ask her to leave if she continues to call him? What do I do? I have been from Plan A to Plan B and back to Plan A again…. But for how long? I know I haven’t been involved in any plan for a long time (whole affair is just 4-5 month’s), but I’m getting lost in what she say’s to me and what she says to her lover. I’m not sure how well our daughter will handle her leaving again if that’s what she decides or what I decide must be done.

14,

Sometimes reading a post hits a nerve in me because I see the paterns all too clearly. I read your post and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I just want to SLAP some sense into the WS!

I'm sorry for the reaction, but there were so many similarities to your situation and mine that the triggers were too hard to ignore.

Your wife is running away. She is on a self desturction course and will only wind up doing more damage to herself and everyone around her. She needs to deal with her FEELINGS about the Abortions, EPreg, and the Marriage.

You are wonderful to stand by her, only right now she doesn't appreciate anything because all of her pain is focused on you as the source. I know it sounds harsh, but it's time to let her hit ROCK BOTTOM. She will only change this path if she wants to. You have to practice some tough love here and protect yourself and your daughter.

She's so lost right now. Is there any way that she would consider seeing an IC? LMFT?

14 - based on your post, you get As for holding back lovebusters, but an "incomplete" on your Plan A in total.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been from Plan A to Plan B and back to Plan A again…. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly what did you do?

What contributions you made to the pre-existing poor marital environment have you identified and corrected?

Regarding your wife staying with you in the apartment - yes, welcome this to further your Plan A demonstration and I suggest you be upfront with your landlady - determine what's necessary to permit your wife to live there and be square with the lease.

Most importantly, continue the counseling. Take advantage of these sessions to acknowledge your failings in the marriage. This does not mean you're responsible for your wife's decisions - just that you own part of the real problems. The affair was merely a symptom of these real problems.

Good luck,

I did plan A when I first discovered the affair, I was lucky to find this site 2 days after I found out. When she got her own place I decided to do a remote plan A as it was all I had the chance for. After she became pregnant I decided to go to plan B as there was little else I could do at the time and needed to protect myself and my love for her. When she returned to live with me I went back to plan A again.

The biggest issue she had about me was the long hours that I worked. I redid my work hours so that I would leave before she was up in the morning and returned home at 3:30 in the afternoon. This worked better then me coming home at 7:00pm. I also had a business that she didn't approve of (Photographer for a car magazine where I took pictures of women with cars). She felt that I like they was other women looked better then her, I would tell her how much I loved her and that she everything to me but she wouldn't listen... I no longer own the magazine as I sold it to prove to her that I am commited to our marriage. Now I have all kinds of free time to share with her and my daughter.

She's gone... I came home from work and discovered she was on the phone with OM this morning. My daughter told me about mom calling him and that she understands if mommy's not here for x-mas... The TAKER took over I asked her if she had called him. She said no, a lie. I told her that I have been very kind in trying to work through this but that she was no longer even trying to stop contact with OM. I explained that I have no choice but to ask her to leave. She packed her things, yelled at me "thank you, kick me out one day before christmas". I asked her if she needed to place any calls before she left, she stated no she did. I walked her down the stairs and told her again she is welcome in our home once her affair is over and she would no longer contact OM. She yelled some more bad things and started to walk to the gas station where a phone was. She called OM to come and get her, and he did. I know she can't be at his house on x-mas eve night because of his daughter coming over and I'm interested to know where she'll be at... But still don't feel I did the right thing but had to draw a line somewhere...

14,

I realize how difficult this was for you to do, but your child needs to come first. I believe that you gave your wife much to think about. Her being alone on Christams eve might be the WAKE-UP call that she needs. I know that she will be feeling VERY low and you and your daughter will be on her mind quite a bit today and tonight.

If she calls crying, and asks to come home tonight, what is your plan? Have you thought past your anger to see what your next move is? Will you go to PLAN B?

My heart goes out to you and your family. Your story only makes me want to work harder to show my family how sorry I am and how wrong I was.

God Bless.

Kily,

I'm not angry really, disapointed is more like it. I'm not sure what will come next. If she calls crying I don't know how I will act. I have thought about it, thats all I think about but I'm not sure where to go next... I Love my wife... More then myself but I can't risk the well being of our daughter while she decides what she wants.

I know it was hurtful to her to leave and miss x-mas eve and x-mas with us. But I think I needed to let her know she could lose whats here if she can't stop her A. I know it hurts my daughter as well because it hurts me and I understand it more then she does.

I want to thank everyone for their in put as well, I feel 100% better then I did just last night just being able to get this off my chest and get some other view point's. I'm able to talk openly and get support from people who have been through this.

Well I did Christmas eve with the in-laws. WW called and told her dad that she wouldn't be coming over to exchange gifts. In-laws wanted me to stay when I came over with our daughter because they had gifts for me as well. They proceded to tell me that they want me to still be a part of their family and will always be welcome to holidays and family events. I told them that even though I told her to leave it didn't mean I was giving up on my marriage. My mother-in-law said she knew that I would give up because I still love WW to much to let it die. She told me she wouldn't ever let OM come over to her house even if we ended up D and she remarried.

My sister-in-laws wedding is on NewYears eve and WW is standing up in it, only no-one is sure she'll show up so they are making a back-up plan for the wedding. Our daughter is the flower girl as well and I'm buying the dress for her this weekend. My sister-in-law whats me to attend if WW is there or not, she says it's more importent for me to attend then for WW. I asked her to find out from WW what she felt about my being there first and to try to find a way to make everyone happy.

Main reason for writing is I hurt. I don't know that I did the right thing by making her leave. She did call and talk to our daughter yet, she didn't let anyone know where she is staying (Think it's with OM but not sure with his daughter coming over today or last night). For the most part I just want to hear her voice no matter what the words are...

I thought I did this to try to make her realize what she'll be missing, but it seems like I the one learning how much I'm missing her...

14,

You are doing the right thing. It is painful, but try to believe in what your goals are. You want a woman that will be 100% committed to you and your daughter, right? Well the woman that you married is completely lost to you at the moment and this person that she has become needs to figure out what she wants out of life.

You remind me so much of my X because he loved me more than himself too. At times this can really be unhealthy because you might be ignoring your own needs to satisfy what you "believe" to be hers. What are you doing for yourself? I know it's hard, but are you in contact with any male friends or have you isolated yourself?

I think that it's wonderful that your wife's family feels that way about you. This could be a double edged sword though because WW might perceive the relationship as "plotting" against her and stuff. Just tread lightly there.

The wedding sounds wonderful, and I hope that your WW does show up. It might be hard for you to be there and see her all dressed up so I would suggest trying to detach a little prior to that day. This way you will not be too hurt if things don't happen the way you want.

I'm so looking forward to a time when I can feel better about what I'm doing. I know it is what I must do for everyone involved. As for myself, I'm doing nothing... I don't have any friends in the area I live now... I have a female friend from work that I could talk to about things like this but don't feel right doing it as I could see the relationship going beyond where it's at now and don't need to make things worse. With limited contact I can keep my love safe for use at a later date for whomever I decide to give it to. But for now it's only for my daughter and WW.

The wife's family thing is already at a bad stage. I know WW is having a hard time understanding why the turned their backs on her. She views it as my fault. I've slowed down contact with them and let them know it is because I don't want to damage my relationship with WW.

As for the wedding... thats going to be real tough seeing her like that... I plan on making an early exit just to make things easier for the Bride. It does bring up the what to do for NewYears problem though...

A big ditto to kily, especially the part about treading lightly with your in-laws. Your wife WILL perceive this as being ganged up on.

With this in mind:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 14TheRoad:
<strong>My sister-in-law whats me to attend if WW is there or not, she says it's more importent for me to attend then for WW. I asked her to find out from WW what she felt about my being there first and to try to find a way to make everyone happy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An excellent response from you. Perhaps emphasize to your SIL that she should make sure that your wife knows that what occurs at the wedding is due to your SIL's desires - not yours. In other words, play your part as a good brother-in-law as you would normally do. This WILL be a love buster on your wife, but a necessary one, perhaps, that is the result of her feeling the consequences of her decisions.

Some may argue you should decline participation in order to avoid the LB, and this view has merit. But in defference to good relations with your in-laws and the importance of your daughter's participation, I believe you should take the risk that this LB is worth its cost - and will go a long way for your eventual recovery. I see it coming.

Well the WW called this morning. WW talked to her Mom about the wedding, MIL told WW the family wished for me to attend and that I would. WW called me to tell me she would attend if I was there or not, but if I attend she will cause a scene as she is mad enough at me right now not to care about how her sister feels about it. I don't think I'm going to go as I don't wish for there to be a scene, I'm not sure she would cause one but the risk of distroying the day for SIL isn't worth attending.

On the same note she's back to living with OM, thats where she called from. This is really a good thing, as she'll have to deal with the everyday effects of the R. He has a drinking problem and she can't deal with it, so it's only a matter of time before he LB enough for her to leave the fog. I'm not sure as to if I want her to return to my place though, as I have gone back to my groove and not sure I want to fall out of it again. But still having wishful thinking...

WW says she decided to file for D. She can't live at OM house when his kid are there on the weekend. Until she files, his rules. I told her that it sounded like he was trying to control her feelings by forcing her to file. There is nothing I can do about it so I'm letting it roll off my back. She wants me to keep our daughter with WW having daughter every other weekend. She also wants daughter to stay at OM house sunday and monday night's to get everything ready for the wedding on NewYears. I really don't like the idea and don't know what to do. Just need t find a way to be strong...

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: 14TheRoad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told her that it sounded like he was trying to control her feelings by forcing her to file. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, don't say stuff like this to her. She won't listen and it's an LB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 14TheRoad:
<strong>She wants me to keep our daughter with WW having daughter every other weekend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get an attorney right now and have him draw up a separation document with this offer included and offer to your wife to sign on the dotted line.

This is a foggy gift to you. Seize it.

Otherwise, she could likely legally gain half custody.

This does not mean you cannot still reconcile. But you have to plan that you may not.

Others may argue that initiating legal stuff is ill advised, but she needs a dose of reality and this could do it. Regardless, get more opinions as I may be very wrong.

WAT